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Original poster

Anyone else’s partner do this

85 replies

Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 13:52

So my boyfriend lives at my house. Does anyone else’s partner say they are going for “one quick drink” and it never is that it ends up being hours and sometimes he doesn’t even let me know. It’s not often he goes out but it’s causing major anxiety.

OP posts:
PigglePuggle · 10/08/2022 16:26

My boyfriend is exactly the same, I just correct him now when he says he's going for '1' and say 'ha okay, see you around midnight then'. As he is wonderful in many other ways, I no longer let it bother me too much as I don't believe he does it maliciously, I think he intends to just go for 1 but once he is there and having a good time with his friends he doesn't want to leave. He is an extreme extrovert, whereas I am an introvert, so although going for 1 drink is very easy for me, he craves that social interaction a hell of a lot more than I do.

MilliwaysUniverse · 10/08/2022 16:29

My boyfriend has ADHD and is very impulsive, time means nothing to him and he will often be late or lose track of time doing something. The difference is that I know what he's doing because if he stays for longer than the one, he will let me know not to expect him back too soon, and will message while he's out to tell me what he's up to. It's being considerate - ADHD doesn't make you an arsehole.

Chewbecca · 10/08/2022 16:49

I don’t think it is that bad in itself. I sometimes go for a drink after work. Often I tend to have just 1 but DH knows full well if it’s going well, I might stay later. Maybe really late. I don’t expect him to be sitting waiting for me to walk in the door, he just gets on with his own evening. I wouldn’t do it if we had plans together and we don’t have small kids so I am not assuming he will pick up any slack.

Why does it cause major anxiety?

JorisBonson · 10/08/2022 16:56

I'm the "one quick drink" person in my relationship. DH has made his peace with it 🤣

But I don't get in trouble and I always come home. Plus we have a nice marriage.

Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 17:09

MilliwaysUniverse · 10/08/2022 16:29

My boyfriend has ADHD and is very impulsive, time means nothing to him and he will often be late or lose track of time doing something. The difference is that I know what he's doing because if he stays for longer than the one, he will let me know not to expect him back too soon, and will message while he's out to tell me what he's up to. It's being considerate - ADHD doesn't make you an arsehole.

i think aswell I suffer from anxiety so if plans change last minute I find it hard to deal with. But that’s my problem not his. He doesn’t do it if we have definite plans. Maybe I need to do more things in my own life?

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 17:11

Shoxfordian · 10/08/2022 16:19

What do you mean he got into trouble? Is this really a good responsible person for you to be with?

His friends are terrible and although I don’t want to disclose what it was he helped a friend in trouble and got dragged into it

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 17:12

Chewbecca · 10/08/2022 16:49

I don’t think it is that bad in itself. I sometimes go for a drink after work. Often I tend to have just 1 but DH knows full well if it’s going well, I might stay later. Maybe really late. I don’t expect him to be sitting waiting for me to walk in the door, he just gets on with his own evening. I wouldn’t do it if we had plans together and we don’t have small kids so I am not assuming he will pick up any slack.

Why does it cause major anxiety?

Do you let him know you are going to be staying out

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 10/08/2022 17:13

I've done this many times and it's the result of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, purely and simply. It's not ok and I avoid the stuff nowadays.

Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 17:14

PigglePuggle · 10/08/2022 16:26

My boyfriend is exactly the same, I just correct him now when he says he's going for '1' and say 'ha okay, see you around midnight then'. As he is wonderful in many other ways, I no longer let it bother me too much as I don't believe he does it maliciously, I think he intends to just go for 1 but once he is there and having a good time with his friends he doesn't want to leave. He is an extreme extrovert, whereas I am an introvert, so although going for 1 drink is very easy for me, he craves that social interaction a hell of a lot more than I do.

I agree I don’t think it’s done maliciously

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 17:14

HailAdrian · 10/08/2022 17:13

I've done this many times and it's the result of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, purely and simply. It's not ok and I avoid the stuff nowadays.

Every time he’s done it it’s involved alcohol and a lot of it

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 10/08/2022 17:16

Send him home.
He pays for some food at yours, whilst saving on all his bills by not being at home.

Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 17:23

SpacePotato · 10/08/2022 17:16

Send him home.
He pays for some food at yours, whilst saving on all his bills by not being at home.

The more I was thinking about this you know he doesn’t pay anything towards my gas and electric

OP posts:
HopelesslyOptimistic · 10/08/2022 17:23

Dump him, it will be a shock I guess as I'm sensing he sees you as a soft touch. Don't be a soft touch, time to get tough. Just don't put up with this nonsense!

Blueberrywitch · 10/08/2022 17:28

I don’t think this is that bad on its own either, my DP does this and I do this too - weird to be waiting for someone to come back if he’s off for a drink - just make your own plans for that evening or don’t have him stay with you when he’s going out. I would personally find it pretty controlling/annoying if my partner was waiting for my return when I went out for a wine with some friends, even if I had said it was going to be a quiet one.

the fact that he assures you it’s going to just be one hour feels a bit like he’s trying to get permission to go out from you.

when my DP wants to catch up with friends I tell him to stay out as long as he wants as I love the house to myself!

but I also trust him, so you might have bigger issues - but I would say this would only be a problem in the contact of wider problems - not on its own - especially as you say it’s not frequent at all.

Blueberrywitch · 10/08/2022 17:29

*in the context - not contact

houseonthehill · 10/08/2022 17:47

Once a month doesn't sound like much of a problem.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/08/2022 18:01

Once a month is plenty when, given past events, you are the one waiting for the phone to ring, wondering what the fuck he is doing this time.

That's 25% of work free days he chooses to forget his manners, tells a lie about his choices and expects his partner to just hang around wondering.

That isn't the basis of a good relationship. He doesn't seem to consider OP when his mates are on call

Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 18:10

Blueberrywitch · 10/08/2022 17:28

I don’t think this is that bad on its own either, my DP does this and I do this too - weird to be waiting for someone to come back if he’s off for a drink - just make your own plans for that evening or don’t have him stay with you when he’s going out. I would personally find it pretty controlling/annoying if my partner was waiting for my return when I went out for a wine with some friends, even if I had said it was going to be a quiet one.

the fact that he assures you it’s going to just be one hour feels a bit like he’s trying to get permission to go out from you.

when my DP wants to catch up with friends I tell him to stay out as long as he wants as I love the house to myself!

but I also trust him, so you might have bigger issues - but I would say this would only be a problem in the contact of wider problems - not on its own - especially as you say it’s not frequent at all.

I trust him completely in relation to the wider context which I think you are referring to

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 18:11

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 10/08/2022 18:01

Once a month is plenty when, given past events, you are the one waiting for the phone to ring, wondering what the fuck he is doing this time.

That's 25% of work free days he chooses to forget his manners, tells a lie about his choices and expects his partner to just hang around wondering.

That isn't the basis of a good relationship. He doesn't seem to consider OP when his mates are on call

Thankyou for your words

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 18:13

I should also add that it generally turns into a two day session when he goes out I think cause I’ve got pissed off he thinks fuck it she’s already annoyed

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 10/08/2022 18:27

Have you children?

dreammattemousse · 10/08/2022 18:58

Some people are fine with this
My ex was always out with the same friends and some of their wives accept it, but some of them have left the relationship (me included)

It's just not something I will tolerate but we had kids and I barely could go to Tesco on my own so ...

TokyoTen · 10/08/2022 19:45

Sorry but he won't improve, it'll get worse. It always does (in my experience) with lies and alcohol.

wellhelloitsme · 10/08/2022 19:49

Emmasumm · 10/08/2022 18:13

I should also add that it generally turns into a two day session when he goes out I think cause I’ve got pissed off he thinks fuck it she’s already annoyed

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who does this?

If not, every day you stay with him is simply wasting time.

Do you have / want kids?

Do you think he would be a genuinely good role model / father figure?

He gets into 'trouble' with friends you think are a bad influence. What kind of trouble? I assume they take drugs and he says he doesn't join in? You can judge a person by the company they keep OP.

Cas112 · 10/08/2022 19:50

Yep, i hate the phrase going for one 😂

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