To avoid becoming a hook up

[Scampi89]

Met a guy 2 months ago… he’s lovely and I really fancy him. Been for dinners, he’s cooked me lunch. Last time we met we were supposed to go for dinner but ended up staying in and having takeaway. I stayed the night and we slept together - which was great!! That was 1 month ago.
Then I went on holiday, he left for his holiday (we’ve both got our own kids) and I haven’t seen him. We’ve been texting but definitely much less so for the past 1 month.
he’s back off holiday tomorrow, unfortunately I’m working all weekend so we’ve agreed to meet on Monday and then he’s away again until the end of August.
I don’t know how to play it really. I miss him but am concerned he might not be quite there yet in terms of how he feels about me. He was so lovely with me at the beginning that I’m worried about becoming a casual hook up when he ‘s free.
I don’t know whether to not meet up with him until after summer when he’ll be around again more. Should I meet him and keep sex off the table?
or am I over thinking and worrying unecessarily.

Just go for a drink or a meal on Monday, don't go back to his, then report back after that 🙂

If you don’t sleep with him you won’t become a hook-up. It sounds like life is a bit hectic at the moment and there isn’t much time for a relationship. Go to dinner and if it feels like the momentum is shifting to sex, be honest and say that casual sex isn’t what you want.

Well it is easy to avoid being a hook up. My honest opinion is that it sounds like it is going that way, but if you want to be sure, then yes go for dinner on Monday and nothing else and see what happens.

I think your key phrase here is “but am concerned he might not be quite there yet in terms of how he feels about me”.

Are you having to initiate most of the contact/enthusiasm for meeting again? The fact that you phrase is as “not quite there yet” is telling I think.. do you think if you keep pursuing this he’ll become more enthusiastic?

I would pull right back and give him the space to step up and show that he wants you. If he doesn’t, there’s your answer.

No I don’t have to initiate any meet ups we’ve had so far… he has done it. And as I say, I’ve been round to his where he’s cooked me lunch and he’s been lovely. This was all a few weeks ago though.
I could hold right back… but if I do that, he won’t get to see me shine… and I think I’m a great person! Which is why I don’t want to be a hook up

I agree meet for the meal and then go home, take it from there.
It is a minefield sometimes in the early days...they either text too much or too little!
I'd say just enjoy the moment and if it is meant to be it will be and do not put all your eggs in one basket just yet. Good luck.

I think you are worrying a little too much. You’ve both clearly been very busy and that’s going to continue until after he gets back from going away again. He sounds like he’s been keen so far so doesn’t seem like he’s after only a hookup.

I do think i’m worrying at this stage that he isn’t ‘there’ yet in how he feels about you is a bit premature. You’ve only known each other for 8 weeks and half of those you haven’t been able to see each other. So it’s a little soon to know on either side what this might be.

I’d suggest you meet and don’t stay over - not because you’re worried about being a hookup, but because you’re then going back to another couple of weeks of not seeing each other when he goes away again. So you probably don’t want to be left with a ‘was it just sex’ anxiety while he’s away. Have a nice date and reconnect and then see how it goes when he gets back.

OP I can totally relate here. I'm in a similar position as in I met a man 10 weeks ago but due to work patterns/busy social lives/children we've only met in person 4 times!
One of those times he'd taken me away for the weekend which was amazing, but that was 2 weeks ago. And I won't see him for another 3!

I've no advice to offer as I feel exactly as you do, feel like I should let him initiate meeting sooner as I've asked a couple of times if he's been free in the past 2 weeks and he's had his kids.

I do not want to be a hook up either, and I'll feel really upset if he saw it that way. Like you I predict I'm more into him at the moment, which was definitely the opposite at the beginning.

Hi I just thought I’d join in as I’m in a similar situation (although with someone I’ve known longer), with two sets of kids. I think part of it is just the summer holidays with kids— there is no time. In my situation I’m going to keep going for what I want, that’s my prerogative. I’ve said directly to mine I don’t want to be a casual hookup, so he knows at some point I’ll have an expectation it’ll develop or I’ll end it. But in the early stages I think it’s ok to be how it is. Also I think that as older women (I’m 41) second time round it’s easy to forget how important sex actually is— it is! I’m planning to enjoy it without getting used/hurt

Was he honest from the start about how much he would be away over summer? It was probably bad timing to go as far as sex, just when you were both about to have big gaps of not seeing each other. That ship has sailed now though, so I think your best bet is to meet but not have sex again as he's going away for a long time again (unusual) .
Tbh, if needing to 'shine' to you means having sex, then you could well be heading for hook-up territory with that notion. Holding back on sex doesn't mean you have to hold back on romance, flirting and having a lovely time, unless you somehow change your entire persona when sex is off the table.

10 weeks here too, and alsi breaks due to holidays, but we have managed to see each other at least a couple of times per week as kids schedule aligned mostly.

Lots of sleeping over, and contact has remained consistent.

I wouldn't chase, i won't chase, I need to feel he is putting in the effort.

Not chasing doesn't mean they don't get to see how wonderful you are... It means they have to earn the right. You can't force it on them to convince them 😂

I need your thoughts again… I don’t know what to do.
So I texted him on Wednesday night to ask how he was and got “I am good, how are you?” To which I replied I was good too… then nothing.
I texted this morning to ask what he was up to today (I’m in work) and he said his plans, and asked what I was up to to which I replied I was in work. I offered to go round after work for a quick cuppa and he basically didn’t reply for 2-3 hours then has just replied saying sorry he popped out and left his phone at home and that’s it.
I feel like he’s cooled right off… do you agree?

I’m still supposed to be meeting him on Monday… I don’t know whether to wait now until he texts about it (I feel reluctant to initiate any texting now) and then simply ask, if we’ve fizzled out!?

he did say this morning when I asked what he was up to that he’d been thinking about me this morning - I wonder if that was just b0ll0cks though

Sounds a little like it , leave it for awhile and see what pans out.

Don't message him again and think of Monday as 50/50.

From my experience of dating ( only met DP 18 months ago) if something felt off, it usually was

The fact is, it doesn't matter how shiny you are. Being a great human being doesn't entitle you to a relationship unfortunately. Nor does it stop you from people wasting your time.

I'd be inclined to message something like 'It's been great getting to know you over the last few months but I know you're busy for the foreseeable future so how about we put a pin in things for now? And once you're back we can catch up'. And then IF he makes the effort to ask you out when he is back then you go on the fate and have fun but also, straight up ask him him he is looking for.

YouTube

Elliot Scott

Matt Hussey similar but not as good. It was Elliot who has the best insights.

Insights into how men see things during the courting period, really invaluable.

Sure people may say you can't generalise etc. etc. but... you can.

I feel like he’s cooled right off… do you agree

If you feel he's cooled off, then, as far as you're concerned, he's cooled off. Whatever anybody else might think is neither here nor there. If we all tell you he most certainly hasn't cooled, off, the signs he showing you signal to you that he's cooled off.

Life isn't about tick boxes, and if he does x it means y. Life is about how you feel. Be with someone you feel is enthusiastic. Relying on your feelings to guide you is the key to a happy life, as long as you use your mind to make sure yourself, and ideally, nobody else either. But you, first.

Wait until Monday, then you will have your answer, you are ruminating over events that you have no control over

I’d say he has. You are initiating all the contact and he’s being polite.

From your initial post it sounded like he’d cooled off as you’d said contact had dialled right down while being away. Obviously we can always rationalise this as “he’s away” - but I think you called this correctly the first time. He should be wanting to get to know you more and initiating at least half of the contact. As I suggested before, I’d really sit back and wait for him to come forward - if he wants to. By repeatedly instigating contact, you never have any idea what he really wants. Most polite people will reply to messages.

Tbh I feel like you are game playing too much. If you want a relationship that is authentic you need to have confidence to be vulnerable at this time when seeing people. To me the obvious answer if that you should be clear (with yourself and him) on your personal boundaries, and within that just be upfront and honest.

Eg if you are looking for a relationship just say that. If you don't want casual sex just say that. All this fishing with "how are you" texts is not helping you. It's really obvious to him that's what you're doing, and unfortunately some men will sense this as desperation vibes and exploit that.

Be confident! You are worthy of a loving healthy relationship - if that's what you want. At dinner just say xyz is what I'm looking for right now. If he says it isn't what he's looking for then great, you'll have your answer and he was never the right guy for you. You can just leave on a friendly note.

You can't change another person to suit your wishes. You can only go out there being yourself and being 100% clear until you find the right guy who is your match. There is no shame I'm not wanting casual hook ups. DO NOT feel like you need to alter yourself to come across as what this guy wants.

Don't bother texting again. Just turn up at the dinner being confident clear you.

OP is he going away with his kids or on his own?

I’d wait til normal routine resumes around school. I know the guy I’m seeing really concentrates on his kids when he has them, he told me if they’re watching tv he watches it with them etc — I was flabbergasted! It means he often doesn’t reply. He’s one of those people who is present where he is. Which is lovely when we’re together! I wonder if the good dads are just inattentive to their phones.

I think there’s two options here. 1. You are happy with how things are but you just want to know if he likes you properly or 2. You don’t like the way the relationship is progressing, ie you want a more regular bf.

Thanks everyone
I think I’m struggling because I really like him and there was so much enthusiasm at the beginning.
I will not contact him now and see what happens on Monday

And by the way, as far as I know there is no dinner planned for Monday. The date (as in calendar date) is agreed and I’m going round to his

The only other thing I know is that the man who was most ‘into’ me was my exh and he was so warm and loving and emailed and called and texted me every ten minutes. He turned out to be a toxic, violent narcissist who made my life a living hell.