To avoid becoming a hook up

[Scampi89]

Met a guy 2 months ago… he’s lovely and I really fancy him. Been for dinners, he’s cooked me lunch. Last time we met we were supposed to go for dinner but ended up staying in and having takeaway. I stayed the night and we slept together - which was great!! That was 1 month ago.
Then I went on holiday, he left for his holiday (we’ve both got our own kids) and I haven’t seen him. We’ve been texting but definitely much less so for the past 1 month.
he’s back off holiday tomorrow, unfortunately I’m working all weekend so we’ve agreed to meet on Monday and then he’s away again until the end of August.
I don’t know how to play it really. I miss him but am concerned he might not be quite there yet in terms of how he feels about me. He was so lovely with me at the beginning that I’m worried about becoming a casual hook up when he ‘s free.
I don’t know whether to not meet up with him until after summer when he’ll be around again more. Should I meet him and keep sex off the table?
or am I over thinking and worrying unecessarily.

OP I would sit back a little and see if he messages first.
As I posted in reply previously we are in a pretty similar situation. I have no idea how much he's into me and it's getting to me. I am a woman in my 40's and feel I should be more confident!
We did go out for drink this afternoon but I really couldn't gauge it. He was talking about booking a holiday away for him and his kids New Year's Eve and also next summer....so that probably tells me a lot!!
I definitely sympathise with you!

@Scampi89 please don't go to his place on Monday for your "date". That's not a date, that IS a hook up. Just say no to Monday please

Ok, but how do I do that? Should I just text on Monday saying I wonder if it would be better to leave things for now and see how we feel about meeting up after summer?

@Scampi89 that or say " there's this restaurant I've wanted to try". A man who's interested will take the hint immediately, one who only wants a hook up will oppose. Shame you slept with him already as really the dynamic changes

F

A few thoughts from someone who learned to know better:

• It does sound like he's cooled, otherwise he would have done more than respond to your questions, and he would have replied right away when you suggested going over.
• Never take a man entirely seriously when they text that they're "thinking of you" either first thing in the morning or last thing at night. They probably are, but they're probably not thinking of you in the way you hoped he was thinking of you.

yes ok, hard to accept but I think you’re all right ☹️

What’s the reason that men do this do you think? Meet someone you like, sex is good, you click, you go out. Why do they cool off?

@crispsndip because for many men (most?), once they sleep with you it's "mission accomplished" and time to move onto the next mission (=woman).

Also, without wanting to generalise, if you make them wait, many of those who are not really interested will give up.

@Scampi89 read female dating strategy please. The "book" (posts) will recommend you to throw this one away and start with another man. Much easier than changing this one who now knows you are willing to sleep with him. Just my advice, not easy to do but the "right thing"

Oh my goodness. Go tomorrow OP. Try and relax and go with the flow. You said you were noth busy etc. Man is about to go away for a couple of weeks and is likely getting organised. Cut you and him both some slack by not analysing everything.

Oh I see @forgotoldusername — I reckon I’m in the clear then. We went on a year’s worth of increasingly romantic outings before I admitted I was interested and dtd

Let him get back to you re Monday's plans. Don't text him before then. As a pp suggested, when (if) he contacts you about Monday suggest a restaurant for a meal, or a bar for a drink. Don't go to his. His response to that suggestion will tell you what you need to know.

Definitely don't initiate contact again. On Monday, suggest a restaurant or maybe open air cinema, bar, something date-y, not you going to his. That is hookup, low effort territory at this stage (as opposed to established partners who hang out at home).

Are there any male perspectives on this out there?

@Scampi89 please listen to us experienced daters. I can guarantee you that if you go to his place on Monday and have sex, in a couple of months time max he will say "I'm not ready for a relationship". You know what that means? He's not ready for a relationship WITH YOU. Or, even shittier behaviour, he will slow fade or ghost you. If you go, please update us in the future. This is human nature, he's not special he's just a man, we've all been there.

Yes do this.

As much as this is hard to hear, we're fairly easy to read in this scenario, when you're being pursued you'll know.

He sounds a respectful guy in that he's answering messages and not ghosting so that's a start.

He might just be interested in something just casual or you might just be Miss Right Now.

The relationship isn't on the trajectory you want at the moment, but that's not to say it won't develop.

I think he’s cooled off, but I would keep an open mind.

I definitely wouldn’t go to his house tomorrow and I wouldn’t contact him either.

Let him do some legwork.

If he’s interested in you he’ll move heaven and earth.

From a guys perspective I work full time, study 60 hour a month currently and take care of my daughter etc - I still manage to carry a conversation and show interest regardless of if the woman stayed the night or not.

So the whole going cold thing seems highly suspect, I agree with not going back to his, I'd instead do a little date and probably find out what he is actually looking for.

When he text about Monday, say "where do you fancy going?"

If he suggests you going to his you reply "oh I was looking forward to us going out somewhere, I thought * restaurant or bar would be nice."

If he replies saying he wants to stay in for whatever reason then reply with "oh if your tired or don't feel up to much best we leave it until another time. Have a great holiday"

Do not go to his even if you go out somewhere first.

Thanks everyone

Do bear in mind OP that it sounds like he's not exactly desperate to take you out or 'date' you - that would be be a massive red flag for me at this early stage if you have made it clear you are looking for a relationship.

If you haven't made it clear you'd be interested in a relationship, I think you have to, otherwise this might continue to be a friends with benefits situationship...

Did this

me: what do you fancy doing?
him: I’m happy to cook

do I stick to my guns and push for not going round to his? I sort of think it’s quite sweet he’s offered to cook?

Nope. It still feels off to me.