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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To avoid becoming a hook up

71 replies

Scampi89 · 10/08/2022 06:06

Met a guy 2 months ago… he’s lovely and I really fancy him. Been for dinners, he’s cooked me lunch. Last time we met we were supposed to go for dinner but ended up staying in and having takeaway. I stayed the night and we slept together - which was great!! That was 1 month ago.
Then I went on holiday, he left for his holiday (we’ve both got our own kids) and I haven’t seen him. We’ve been texting but definitely much less so for the past 1 month.
he’s back off holiday tomorrow, unfortunately I’m working all weekend so we’ve agreed to meet on Monday and then he’s away again until the end of August.
I don’t know how to play it really. I miss him but am concerned he might not be quite there yet in terms of how he feels about me. He was so lovely with me at the beginning that I’m worried about becoming a casual hook up when he ‘s free.
I don’t know whether to not meet up with him until after summer when he’ll be around again more. Should I meet him and keep sex off the table?
or am I over thinking and worrying unecessarily.

OP posts:

LaingsAcidTab · 14/08/2022 21:27

What strikes me about all of this is how uncertain you are. As if you really don't trust yourself, which is a problem when it comes to making healthy decisions.

Look - here it is in a nutshell. When you know, you know. If you have to ask others, then it's not worth it.

burnoutbabe · 14/08/2022 21:30

Scampi89 · 14/08/2022 21:19

Did this

me: what do you fancy doing?
him: I’m happy to cook

do I stick to my guns and push for not going round to his? I sort of think it’s quite sweet he’s offered to cook?

You cab go with

Ah thanks but no need for all that fuss the night before you are going away. Let's go to x, I fancy "type of food you can't get from takeaway "

I don't think him suggesting cooking is defiantly I WANT SEX and NO EFFORT but best to be out to avoid having to have an awkward discussion.

Oopsiedaisyy · 14/08/2022 21:32

I think your enthusiasm to have a relationship with him isn't matched.

DatingDinosaur · 14/08/2022 21:32

Yes it might be quite sweet that he’s offered to cook but if you don’t want to become a hook-up then suggest going out somewhere.

Going round to his is the easy/cheap option where he’s more likely to persuade you into bed and sets the scene for a hook up/booty call.

Just because you DTD once doesn’t mean than all the going out dating stuff has to stop.

Why on earth would you want to get into the come round to mine, eat, shag, repeat routine so soon? He needs to romance you a bit more before you get stuck in that Boring As Fuck rut.

Dating’s supposed to be fun, exciting and compatibility is not all about sex.

LaingsAcidTab · 14/08/2022 21:33

That's what I was thinking too, @burnoutbabe - his half-hearted offer to cook means he'll feel more able to ask for/expect sex later.

figmaofmyimagination · 14/08/2022 21:35

Suggest going out?

Oopsiedaisyy · 14/08/2022 21:38

I think my 3rd date was me offering to cook 😏 and it led to a relationship

Minoloso · 14/08/2022 21:44

I’d expect to be asked out for dinner tbh. But OP, if you really like him then go to his for dinner - but tell him you’re reluctant to stay over or sleep with him because you like him a lot and don’t want to get hurt. If he’s a decent man he’ll answer you honestly and respect that. He may say he doesn’t want to get too serious - but at least you’ll know.

Keep your feeling in check. I still haven’t completely let myself fall for my boyfriend who has treated me really well and it’s almost 8 months of dating.

stnoa · 14/08/2022 21:57

I'd text what @burnoutbabe has suggested

bluejelly · 14/08/2022 22:06

Just let him chase you. Don't initiate. Play (slightly) hard to get.

Watchkeys · 14/08/2022 22:09

bluejelly · 14/08/2022 22:06

Just let him chase you. Don't initiate. Play (slightly) hard to get.

If you have to play a role, it's not the right relationship. Play you, exactly as you are. If his responses leave you feeling good, stick with him. Otherwise, don't.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 14/08/2022 22:17

Did you initiate contact again OP?

It seems like you are initiating each time to get this date to happen.

From your first post when you said you don’t think he’s quite there yet in terms of how he feels about you. Since you felt that feeling, have you been the one to initiate contact whilst having this continuing uncertain anxious feeling?

I think your brain has got this completely right.. but you have an anxious attachment style that is making you keep reaching out to try to end this horrible anxious and uncertain feeling.

Listen to your gut instinct. By reaching out to him continuously you are not going to be convincing him of your great suitability to him…

Original poster

Scampi89 · 14/08/2022 22:40

He reached out tonight… I was determined not to.
Anyway the upshot is, we’re going out for dinner tomorrow and he knows I won’t be staying over.
I feel much better now as I get to spend time with him chatting etc

OP posts:

bluejelly · 14/08/2022 23:07

Excellent. Have fun tomorrow!

Oopsiedaisyy · 14/08/2022 23:12

Let us know how it goes!

forgotoldusername · 16/08/2022 11:25

@Scampi89 how did it go? Hope you had a great time and didn't let him talk you into bed...

Original poster

Scampi89 · 16/08/2022 18:08

Well I think. Nice dinner, bit of a snog and no getting into bed (even though I was tempted)!
Got a few things off my chest including not wanting to be a hook up, so we’ll see what happens

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/08/2022 18:10

There’s very little you can do
seriously
he knows you and will have made his opinion

you could play games and go very quiet
then he’ll text and chase a bit guaranteed

but , if it’s destined to be a hook up he’ll revert to type

forgotoldusername · 16/08/2022 19:19

@Scampi89 well done now the ball is in his court, see how he behaves. Hopefully his feelings develop too. Good luck and keep us updated please

Scottishguy · 17/08/2022 04:11

Scampi89 · 16/08/2022 18:08

Well I think. Nice dinner, bit of a snog and no getting into bed (even though I was tempted)!
Got a few things off my chest including not wanting to be a hook up, so we’ll see what happens

Even by saying you don't want to be a hook up, the implication is that you're open to exploring whether you have a connection. That's a clear steer for him so you're in a good place.

OldFan · 17/08/2022 14:38

Well done @crimsonlake . Keep going in this way, dates in public etc.

This will help you see whether he's a decent guy or not.

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