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Original poster

What would you think/do/say about this?

55 replies

FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 12:21

I started dating someone a year ago. it's all going brilliantly, met each others friends and families, holidays together, talk of the future, no issues at all. We're both older and been around the block enough times to know what we want - neither of us are looking for anyone else. It's all exclusive commitment and all that. He says that what we've got is everything he's ever wanted and, tbh, I feel the same. I have no doubts about his feelings for me.

He was with his previous partner for 8 years. Never really lived with her and he kept his own flat.

They split up a few months before we got together and she sadly died a couple of months after. He is still friends with her kids (now mid/late 20s) on fb.

I'm aware this is going to sound a bit ridiculous but if you could bear with me...

There is very little of us 'publicly'. He shared loads of photos with her on SM, all the public 'In a relationship' statuses etc. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bothered about it because I want public declarations but he has his relationship status public and he changed it to 'single' when they split up. After a year of being with me, it still says 'single'.

Tbh, I'd absolutely hate a big public X is in a relationship with Y statement but it does make me feel uncomfortable that his profile actively, and publicly, states that he is single.

He doesn't share photos of us, or even really take photos of us/me, yet, when they were together, particularly during the good years, there were a lot. I know this, not through snooping, but because I knew them both for a few years and often liked/commented on them. And, when we are together, he gets memories of posts he made featuring her weekly.

I don't think for a second he is doing it because he wants to appear single but I wonder if he wants to be sensitive to her children who would see it. Maybe. I don't know. He doesn't object if I tag him in a post somewhere but he doesn't do it himself.

Again, it's not that I particularly want it, more that it's out of character/a change in behaviour for him.

I don't know whether to mention it more to get an idea of where his head is than anything else.

What should the balance be between my feelings and the feelings of her adult children? Bearing in mind there is no ongoing relationship between them.

There are also things like she still has an account linked to his Netflix. I understand it's because he wants it to still be available to her children if they want. But it feels like I'm living in her shadow and not quite living up to it maybe?

It was his choice to end their relationship because he hadn't been happy for a couple of years.

This isn't a Facebook issue, per se, more that that is the vehicle by which it feels there are a few inconsistencies.

Is this even worth broaching? And, if so, how?

OP posts:
Notanotherchange · 08/08/2022 12:31

This is tough one. I can see why you feel the way you do.

Maybe he doesn't want to repeat the past? To be honest I am now pretty lazy with photos etc not because I am hiding I just cant be bothered. He may have had to make those previous posts to keep her happy, or may have been more into social media then and isnt now.

If it is something that bothers you, why not mention it ? At least a starter question like maybe a comment regarding you do not have many pictures together and just see what he says.

User838960 · 08/08/2022 12:32

Sometimes I think people's attitudes towards social media change over time. I understand why he would want to change his status to 'single' after a breakup. I certainly posted way more of my ex ex partner than I ever did of my ex partner. I felt a lot more strongly for the more recent ex, I had just grown out of social media a bit and didn't feel the need to plaster our relationship all over it.

I have completely done the thing of comparing myself to how much someone posts, but I don't think it is reflective of how he feels about you. He probably does want to carry himself being as respectful as possible. As long as you're happy with how the relationship is behind closed doors, I don't think it is worth broaching or giving much airtime too.

Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 12:44

Thank you both for your replies!

I had considered that maybe social media just isn't as important to him now as it was then. He probably didn't post as much over the past couple of years and maybe he's just not as bothered. I did also consider that maybe it was for her benefit rather than his. He did previously post more generally - there were most posts of his children then than now but that's because they're older and he doesn't see them as often/do the sort of things you'd have photos of to share.

I completely understand and respect him wanting to be considerate of her adult children's feelings but, at the risk of sounding selfish, they are not in his life now whereas I am. If they 'unfriended' him, he probably wouldn't even notice and certainly wouldn't be bothered. I don't think...

OP posts:
Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 12:44

I suppose it just feels like he hasn't fully moved on.

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Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 12:50

And, again, the Netflix thing, he actively created a profile for her, which still stands (presumably in case her children want to use it) but I have to use his profile.

Again, I don't know whether it's just because he hasn't thought about it or because he doesn't want to upset them by setting one up for me. I know how childish that sounds but the issue isn't a Netflix profile but more about his priorities and feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 12:52

I guess I don't want to ask him about these things because I don't want him to do/change anything for me or because I've asked him to.

But I would like to know what is going on for him. I guess.

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CrazyRatLover · 08/08/2022 12:53

Maybe over thinking a little, but I understand what you mean. Maybe he's happy enough with the way things are going without being over public about it. Maybe the fact is he doesn't want to broadcast it for his daughters to see, it might be too soon for them.
It's a bit delicate really isn't it, you don't want to sound pathetic bringing it up, but him saying you're all he's ever wanted doesn't seem enough?
Maybe give it a little longer and then ask him, but I wouldn't over think it, it sounds like things are going really well for you both.

girlmom21 · 08/08/2022 12:55

You say you have no doubts about his feelings for you but you clearly do.

DP doesn't tag me in much on Facebook. I don't know if he tagged his exes. I don't care. I don't know whether his relationship status is displayed. He did make me my own Netflix account on his but that's because he's fed up of getting recommendations for chick flicks 🤣

If you feel comfortable, don't mention it.
If you don't, just ask why he doesn't post much anymore.

Do the two of you actually take pictures together?

MineIsBetterThanYours · 08/08/2022 12:57

I can tell you how I see FB, the status etc… a pain in the neck.
He might well have changed his status at the time Because it was important to her rather than because he thinks it’s important.

Same with Netflix tbh.

Or it might be that he wants to protect he dcs feelings.

Or something else completely different.

The bottom line is that you won’t know until you ask him.

CrazyRatLover · 08/08/2022 12:58

Her kids sorry.
He got with your very soon after they split up. There's going to be a lot of emotion there regarding her, especially as she died so soon after. Does he seem to be dealing with that okay?

Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:01

CrazyRatLover · 08/08/2022 12:53

Maybe over thinking a little, but I understand what you mean. Maybe he's happy enough with the way things are going without being over public about it. Maybe the fact is he doesn't want to broadcast it for his daughters to see, it might be too soon for them.
It's a bit delicate really isn't it, you don't want to sound pathetic bringing it up, but him saying you're all he's ever wanted doesn't seem enough?
Maybe give it a little longer and then ask him, but I wouldn't over think it, it sounds like things are going really well for you both.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

I'm really pleased people.have understood amd not just jumped in with its Facebook, delete social media and you'll be happier type comments because it isn't actually about that.

It's more about what's going on for him and maybe where he feels his loyalties lie 🤷🏻‍♀️

They're her children not his. They don't share any children.

It's a bit delicate really isn't it, you don't want to sound pathetic bringing it up, but him saying you're all he's ever wanted doesn't seem enough?

yeah that's kind of it.

Like everyone - our mutual friends, complete strangers, my children can see that he's 'single'. It just feels a bit disrespectful to have it public I suppose.

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Devotedcatslave · 08/08/2022 13:02

I think the best thing you could do is talk to him. We can all speculate on what it means until the cows come home, but it doesn't mean anything. If your relationship is as solid as it sounds then you should be able to tell him you are feeling insecure and why, and hopefully he will be able to put your mind at rest. He may not even realise he is doing it, or how it makes you feel unless you tell him.

StopFeckingFaffing · 08/08/2022 13:02

I agree with previous posters that his attitude to SM may have changed over time and that may be one factor. I'm sure we can all think of people we know who have at some point been very active on SM but rarely share anything now so he could easily be one of these people.

Given that it is under 2 years since his ex died then I guess he may also be thinking about the feelings of her family/ friends and not wanting to rub it in that he has moved of and happily enjoying life without her. She presumably died at a relatively young age so for her children and close friends it will still feel very recent

If you have no other concerns about his feelings or commitment then I don't think you need to do or say anything. Just accept that he has a past before you.

CrazyRatLover · 08/08/2022 13:05

Maybe he just wants to give the relationship a bit longer then before he changes his status. Like another poster suggested, maybe it was her wanting to change it in the first place. Maybe he doesn't realise how you feel and would change it instantly if he knew. But then I suppose you want him to just change it off his own back. Only you can decide whether or not to talk to him or not.

Musttryharder2021 · 08/08/2022 13:06

"He says that what we've got is everything"

So why did he stay in an unsatisfactory relationship for 8 years? People like to re write history.

GiselleRose · 08/08/2022 13:07

I don’t think the sm posts matter but I would possibly ask him to alter the single bit in fb bio. The Netflix accounts again don’t matter. I’m in a similar position, with my boyfriend a year and could have written some of these things myself. He also had lots of fb posts with his ex but we have very few together and are not ‘in a relationship’ on Facebook. I see no need for it. We’re low key there but those who matter know we’re together. We both still have streaming service accounts with our exes, too.

Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:09

girlmom21 · 08/08/2022 12:55

You say you have no doubts about his feelings for you but you clearly do.

DP doesn't tag me in much on Facebook. I don't know if he tagged his exes. I don't care. I don't know whether his relationship status is displayed. He did make me my own Netflix account on his but that's because he's fed up of getting recommendations for chick flicks 🤣

If you feel comfortable, don't mention it.
If you don't, just ask why he doesn't post much anymore.

Do the two of you actually take pictures together?

Hm... it's not so much his feelings for me I doubt but the security of his feelings around us and the past maybe. If that makes sense? Maybe there are feelings around the whole thing that he hasn't processed.

I suppose I've taken more photos of us than he has.

Haha, well he just gets recommendations for crap horror films now!

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ComtesseDeSpair · 08/08/2022 13:11

Social media is generally pretty surface based and most people have a lot of “friends” they aren’t necessarily very close with. I wonder if he’s worried that people who aren’t aware he and his ex had broken up before she died will speculate on him having gotten together with a brand new partner so quickly after her death and think poorly of him?

Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:17

StopFeckingFaffing · 08/08/2022 13:02

I agree with previous posters that his attitude to SM may have changed over time and that may be one factor. I'm sure we can all think of people we know who have at some point been very active on SM but rarely share anything now so he could easily be one of these people.

Given that it is under 2 years since his ex died then I guess he may also be thinking about the feelings of her family/ friends and not wanting to rub it in that he has moved of and happily enjoying life without her. She presumably died at a relatively young age so for her children and close friends it will still feel very recent

If you have no other concerns about his feelings or commitment then I don't think you need to do or say anything. Just accept that he has a past before you.

I get that. I suppose its making me doubt myself though. Should I tag him in that post, should I put that photo on? kind of thing. How long do I need to monitor my own activity?

I suppose I'd just like to have a relationship with him without feeling the 'ghost' of her always there amd feeling that she is the priority. I must sound really callous but after a lifetime of shit relationships where I've been sidelined or whatever, I really wanted to have just one relationship where i was the priority. Maybe that's unrealistic.

If she'd died while they were still together and he still loved her, I wouldn't even have got together with him. He ended it a few months before hand and she died, unexpectedly, a few months into our relationship. He had already 'moved on' in their eyes and his own.

I think i just feel second to her children with whom he has no relationship beyond being names on each others friends lists.

Amd I'm not even certain that's the reason. I'm only wondering.

OP posts:
Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:18

CrazyRatLover · 08/08/2022 13:05

Maybe he just wants to give the relationship a bit longer then before he changes his status. Like another poster suggested, maybe it was her wanting to change it in the first place. Maybe he doesn't realise how you feel and would change it instantly if he knew. But then I suppose you want him to just change it off his own back. Only you can decide whether or not to talk to him or not.

I don't care about him changing his status. But it's the publicly 'single' bit that I'm uncomfortable about.

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Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:23

Musttryharder2021 · 08/08/2022 13:06

"He says that what we've got is everything"

So why did he stay in an unsatisfactory relationship for 8 years? People like to re write history.

It wasn't unsatisfactory. They were both very happy but it wasn't 'perfect' - what relationship is? There were compromises he felt he made in that relationship that he doesn't have to make with me. We share hobbies and interests that they didn't. That doesn't mean it wasn't a good relationship.

I suppose we tick a lot more of each other's boxes than anyone has done previously.

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Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:24

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/08/2022 13:11

Social media is generally pretty surface based and most people have a lot of “friends” they aren’t necessarily very close with. I wonder if he’s worried that people who aren’t aware he and his ex had broken up before she died will speculate on him having gotten together with a brand new partner so quickly after her death and think poorly of him?

I shared a couple of things with him in before she died. So most of them knew.

He attended her funeral and all of them knew after that.

OP posts:
Original poster
FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:25

FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:23

It wasn't unsatisfactory. They were both very happy but it wasn't 'perfect' - what relationship is? There were compromises he felt he made in that relationship that he doesn't have to make with me. We share hobbies and interests that they didn't. That doesn't mean it wasn't a good relationship.

I suppose we tick a lot more of each other's boxes than anyone has done previously.

Show quote history

And eventually, it stopped working and they drifted apart. Maybe, with lockdowns etc, it lasted longer than it would have otherwise. I don't know.

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Moonface123 · 08/08/2022 13:34

I was widowed young and feel like l have paid an incredibly high price for that when trying to move on and establish a new relationship. The constant competing and seeking reassurance as to where they stand has put me off dating ever again.
You sound like you have a good relationship, don' t spoil it by being petty. He probably hasn't given these issues a second thought.

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/08/2022 13:36

FucksakeIsItMe · 08/08/2022 13:24

I shared a couple of things with him in before she died. So most of them knew.

He attended her funeral and all of them knew after that.

Show quote history

If they all know the sequence of events, they all know that you’re together, then; in which case, he probably simply doesn’t see it as “disrespectful” not to advertise that he’s in a relationship because he knows everyone knows he is; and indeed possibly hasn’t thought about the fact his profile still says he’s single: most of us don’t look at our own profiles very often.

But it’s more concerning that you don’t feel able to discuss it with him. Explaining that it makes you feel sidelined in his life to have to look at him apparently declaring he’s still single when you’ve been together a year, and you worry that it means he hasn’t properly moved on from his ex, should be a completely normal conversation to have with a partner, even if the outcome is him explaining why he prefers not to change it.