What would you think/do/say about this?

[FucksakeIsItMe]

I started dating someone a year ago. it's all going brilliantly, met each others friends and families, holidays together, talk of the future, no issues at all. We're both older and been around the block enough times to know what we want - neither of us are looking for anyone else. It's all exclusive commitment and all that. He says that what we've got is everything he's ever wanted and, tbh, I feel the same. I have no doubts about his feelings for me.

He was with his previous partner for 8 years. Never really lived with her and he kept his own flat.

They split up a few months before we got together and she sadly died a couple of months after. He is still friends with her kids (now mid/late 20s) on fb.

I'm aware this is going to sound a bit ridiculous but if you could bear with me...

There is very little of us 'publicly'. He shared loads of photos with her on SM, all the public 'In a relationship' statuses etc. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bothered about it because I want public declarations but he has his relationship status public and he changed it to 'single' when they split up. After a year of being with me, it still says 'single'.

Tbh, I'd absolutely hate a big public X is in a relationship with Y statement but it does make me feel uncomfortable that his profile actively, and publicly, states that he is single.

He doesn't share photos of us, or even really take photos of us/me, yet, when they were together, particularly during the good years, there were a lot. I know this, not through snooping, but because I knew them both for a few years and often liked/commented on them. And, when we are together, he gets memories of posts he made featuring her weekly.

I don't think for a second he is doing it because he wants to appear single but I wonder if he wants to be sensitive to her children who would see it. Maybe. I don't know. He doesn't object if I tag him in a post somewhere but he doesn't do it himself.

Again, it's not that I particularly want it, more that it's out of character/a change in behaviour for him.

I don't know whether to mention it more to get an idea of where his head is than anything else.

What should the balance be between my feelings and the feelings of her adult children? Bearing in mind there is no ongoing relationship between them.

There are also things like she still has an account linked to his Netflix. I understand it's because he wants it to still be available to her children if they want. But it feels like I'm living in her shadow and not quite living up to it maybe?

It was his choice to end their relationship because he hadn't been happy for a couple of years.

This isn't a Facebook issue, per se, more that that is the vehicle by which it feels there are a few inconsistencies.

Is this even worth broaching? And, if so, how?

op you actually sound really lovely and really level-headed and I'm assuming he's of a similar nature. I'm sure if you had this conversation with him he wouldn't be upset.

You're probably right about him trying to be conscious of her childrens feelings, especially if you were friends with them both and she passed away very soon after you got together - therefore before people really knew.

I don't want seek contant reassurances on where I stand.

They split up before she died. I suppose there's part of me that feels some of this shouldn't even be an issue anymore. She was his ex girlfriend. Not his wife.

I'm sorry for your loss and the resulting impact bit the situations aren't comparable. You, presently, still loved your husband when he passed away. This is not the case here.

He was in a non cohabiting relationship which ended before he died. It's not comparable and, tbh, having my own boundaries and wanting to make sure I'm not wasting my time or being are a fool of, is not petty.

Presumably not presently.

Thank you and you're right. I think this thread has helped me to process why it makes me feel uncomfortable and you've summed it up into one sentence very well.

Irs not that I want him to publicly declare he's in a relationship with me (not in the slightest).But he is currently actively presenting himself as 'single'. Which does bother me tbh.

I could talk to him but I wasn't really sure what or why it was bothering me clearly.

Thank you. And he is. He's lovely. I knowmif I spoke to him it would be fine, I just wanted to process.my thoughts here first.

I suppose next question would be though, when do his ex girlfriend's adult children's feelings stop taking priority over mine?

And that's probably not so cut and dry.

If it makes you feel any better, I was married to my DH before we were Facebook friends - neither of us really use it any more and we just didn't think to add each other. I only noticed when I logged on to post a wedding photo.

You sound lovely, and he sounds reasonable. I'm sure talking about your worries (both social media and his ex's kids) and approaching them gently together would be the best way forward

Why would you need to monitor your own activity though?

He never said you putting photos or tagging you is an issue. So I’d carry on doing whatever feels comfortable to you with the knowledge that if this wasn’t comfortable to him, he would tell you.

re having split up a few months before her death.
Did you ALWAYS be over someone in a few months, even if you were the one to initiate the split? They were together 8 years. Even if they never lived together, it’s still a long time. I’d say it’s pretty normal for him to have been taken aback by her death. It also has probably made ‘coming to terms with it’ harder. Unless you have actually breached the subject with him, how do you know he isn’t feeling guilty to have separated just a few months before her death, making the last few months harder for her for example? Guilt, feeling if responsibility, all have a possible place to play there.

He's had no contact with his ex's kids (and they're mid/late 20s not children) since he collected a few belongings from the house shortly after the funeral.

Tbh, if he doesn't want them to see his life now, he could put them on his restricted friends list. If they don't want to see, they could unfriend or unfollow so as not to see it.

At the moment, the only person who's feelings aren't being considered are mine. At what point do I count. Essentially.

I understand what you are saying about yours and your husband Facebook accounts but, as I said at the start, this isn't really about fb, it's just the vehicle by which this is apparent.

Well because if he is deliberately avoiding any association with me online to protect their feelings, it's probably pretty uncomfortable for him if I do it. If there's another reason he's not doing it then I'd rather not carry merrily on like an idiot.

He was taken aback by her death. We all were. But if its changed how he feels about me then I need to know.

I don't want to be second best to someone and that's my choice. And, tbh, by the time I end a relationship I've well and truly moved on. I'd still be upset if they died but I would let it affect a relationship I was already in.

We talked about it at the time. He said he didn't feel guilty and it had been the right thing to do.

Who knows if that has changed now though.

I'm pretty sure mine has said I'm single since I broke up with my university boyfriend...I'm almost 40 and on my second husband since then! I just don't care about social media and would be massively turned off someone who thought this was an issue to me.

However....you feel differently and you should be able to bring it up with him. How he reacts will tell you a lot, focus on whether he reassures you and validate your feelings rather than what changes he makes to the profile because one of those things matter and the other doesn't.

It's not that I want him to make a public fb declaration to the world that he's in a relationship with me but that a) he did change it with his ex so its clearly something he does whereas it is not something you do (it's not something I do either); b) it publicly states he is single. Its not that it says nothing (like mine) but that he's publicly stating it. The only other people I know who do that do so to announce they are available; c) there is nothing from him on his SM to suggest he has a girlfriend. Three or four posts I've tagged him in and nothing else.

In your position, I'd also wonder why someone cared right now but that's because yours hasn't changed in a while if you changed it after a uni boyfriend and are now 40 and on your second marriage. He does change his and it publicly states he is single. Mines always been hidden and ice never changed it.

Part of me wonders why he was so keen to show his relationship with his ex and yet so keen to hide his relationship with me.

I'd ask him about the profile, not necessarily as a request that he change it but just to understand. I wouldn't mention the ex, just ask why he still has his profile(s) as single. You can do it in a joking way if you want. If he doesn't want to advertise being in a relationship, it's easy to make the category private or not display.

I was kind of on the "other side" of this recently - "met" a guy online during lockdown via a mutual interest group, not dating-related. I read his SM profiles at some point and he had an "in a relationship" status (no name) on FB. His profile was actively updated with other info (bio, interests, profile pic) so I assumed it was current. I'd had recent experience "dating" people with selective amnesia about their existing long-term partners, so when he started flirting with me I shut it down. Turned out much later he was both single and interested, but I'd already developed a bit of ick from assuming he was a reckless flirter/potential cheater. It's ridiculous on the surface (Blair Waldorf voice: "social media is not real life!!") but it happens.

The profile info on SM is there to tell you about the account owner, no other purpose, so of course people read it and make assumptions whether blatant or subliminal. If he's forgotten to update something on an active account, it's not a big deal to remind him to do it. If there's some other reason he's not done it, you might as well know rather than speculate or be bothered about it.

Netflix isn't "public" in the same way; accounts are linked for functional reasons rather than to communicate connections to the world. If it's inconvenient for you to use his account and you want him to create/link a separate one for you, ask if he can. He may have reached the maximum number of linked profiles he can link.

Paslaptis

Thanks. Yes, I can imagine that would put you off! That's the point though, isn't it? If a woman liked the look of him from his profile and saw that he was single, she'd be well within her rights to message him. He's promoting himself as single publicly. Everytime he clicks on his profile, he'll see it. So he knows it's there. And he went to the effort of changing it when they split up. Not it's not something he's unaware of.

I've just checked the Netflix. There are profiles in his name, each of his two children's names, his ex's name and a family one in their surname for her children.

So he's intentionally keeping hers open whilst I have to use his. It just seems 'off' somehow.

I can't have a profile because his ex has one and she's not even using it.

He's a good man.

I just wonder if these things ae oversights or because he can't let go/move on and isn't certain about me.

In which case, his words and actions don't match.

I don't know whether to mention it more to get an idea of where his head is than anything else

Why wouldn't you mention something to him if it was bothering you?

What should the balance be between my feelings and the feelings of her adult children

Who is the authority who decides what 'should' happen in your relationship?

I think there might be lots of innocent reasons for his actions - he could have changed his social media habits (lots of people have taken a massive step back) and the Netflix thing could just be an admin headache that he is procrastinating about. I think just gently bring it up, say that you’re feeling a bit hurt but that you know it’s probably nothing and could he please explain where he is coming from?

I think the added element of her having passed away as well makes me feel like it might be innocent and not really a reflection of how he feels about you. Maybe he feels like deleting her Netflix account makes her death really final and this is enough of a barrier that he’s avoided doing it. But you are well within your rights to just ask him about it and say how all the things added up make you feel! Especially the single status on Facebook as that’s an easy first one to tackle - “Hey I noticed your status is single on Facebook, I thought we were exclusive, just wondering if your Facebook status is an oversight? If we are exclusive then I’d be more comfortable if your Facebook status didn’t say you were single”,

It’s possible to have NO relationship status on Facebook so he doesn’t even need to be “in a relationship” with you, he can just have no info there. I am in a long term relationship and just have no status on Facebook - why give Zuckerberg more data to sell about me?!

I don't know. I will.mention it to him. I just don't know how.

The second question was more rhetorical.

The blunt and direct part of me thinks, he ended things with her over a year ago. She is dead. Her kids can unfriend him on social media if they don't like the fact he's in a relationship with someone else. The more compassionate side of me thinks, does it really matter?

Because, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. Except it does to me. And I'm only surmising that that is the reason.

How do I bring it up without sounding insensitive? 🤷🏻‍♀️

@FucksakeIsItMe just ask him if you can make your relationship Facebook official as you feel you've reached that stage now and go from there?

Because, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. Except it does to me

There is no grand scheme of things. If you're bothered, you're bothered. If you don't respect the fact that you're bothered, who will?

How do I bring it up without sounding insensitive

'It's bothering me that your facebook status still says ''single'.

That's all you have to say. If he cares about you, he'll be interested in helping you feel better, either by changing it, or by talking through the whys and wherefores until you understand his perspective.

Thanks. Yes, I don't have a relationship status on there at all. Never have. But he has chosen to make his public and chose to declare that he was in a relationship.with her and then chose to declare that he was single and then... well, still single 🤷🏻‍♀️

We are exclusive. I don't have any doubts about that. There's just a niggling feeling of not being as important or not being as 'cherished' I guess. I think it makes it worse that the last man I dated wouldn't put anything with me anywhere. He would put photos up oof himself on days out we'd had, tag himself into places we'd gone to and yet, if you looked at his SM, you'd think we'd never even met! It turned out he was a bit embarrassed by me because I wasn't the sort of woman he thought a man like him should be seen with (I wasn't young, thin or pretty enough - I wasn't a trophy to show-off or be proud of).

The man before that, no evidence of me on his social media because he had an ex girlfriend on there and he didnt want her to know about me.

Obviously, I dumped them both...

I think really I just want to feel that, for once, I matter. That I'm important. That I'm with someone who is proud of me, proud to be seen with me and doesn't care who.knows it. Just once to not feel that I'm expected to skulk back in the shadow's so as not to get in the way or offend 😕

I don't want to be Facebook official! 🙈

I just dont want him to be advertising himself publicly, for the world and our friends and families to see, as single.

I just dont want him to be advertising himself publicly, for the world and our friends and families to see, as single.

Tell him that then. Tell him you're uncomfortable with that being advertised.

'It's bothering me that your facebook status still says ''single'.

Thanks. It probably is that simple. I have a tendency to overthinking and overexplain and themselves up in knots.

I know he won't be a dick about it whatever his reason is.