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Original poster

"Sexting isn't cheating if you'll never meet them"

52 replies

solarbean · 07/08/2022 11:01

I am at the end of my tether with DP.

DP has always seen nudes as no big deal, and would scroll through porn subs on reddit casually throughout the day. I hate it but have been made to feel like I'm the abnormal one as men around me do the same, and a ridiculous number of women I know have adopted the attitude of "well what's wrong with that".

Recently, I've found out that he has not just been scrolling, but actively sexting and messaging with these women. He's never sent any photos back, as far as I'm aware, but he's seen their nudes as they've all got them on their profiles! Confronted DP but he's baffled and thinks there's nothing wrong with it because it's just the internet and just a fantasy as he'll never meet these women. Apparently he talks to them for variety and sometimes just casually when he's bored.

Was clicking around his reddit profile and there was a comment someone else made wrt to someone else's relationship with thousands of upvotes and awards talking about how it's controlling for partners to police online interactions especially if it's just fantasy. Am I the insane one here? DP doesn't seem to care and thinks I'm overreacting over nothing but it feels like he's cheated on me??

OP posts:
DenholmElliot1 · 07/08/2022 11:06

I wouldn't like it and I don't blame you one bit for being upset. I guess its up to you how much you're prepared to tolerate.

Just out of interest, when was the last time your partner brought you a bunch of flowers?

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/08/2022 11:20

Of course it's cheating. I'm amazed that you even need to ask. It's completely unacceptable. How would he feel, if you were sexting other men? If he found out that his Mum was messaging other men about their dicks, would he think that was okay? Where do you draw the line? Is it okay to sext Lauren next door, as long as he doesn't shag her? What about a girl at work? The bottom line, is that he is seeking his sexual gratification from women that aren't you. Personally, I think this will eventually lead to full on cheating (if it hasn't already), and I would be out.

ihatebojo · 07/08/2022 11:27

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/08/2022 11:20

Of course it's cheating. I'm amazed that you even need to ask. It's completely unacceptable. How would he feel, if you were sexting other men? If he found out that his Mum was messaging other men about their dicks, would he think that was okay? Where do you draw the line? Is it okay to sext Lauren next door, as long as he doesn't shag her? What about a girl at work? The bottom line, is that he is seeking his sexual gratification from women that aren't you. Personally, I think this will eventually lead to full on cheating (if it hasn't already), and I would be out.

This. Nudes is one thing, there is no interaction and I would just roll my eyes.

But sexting is different. even if the other person is a playing out a fantasy role, sexting still is an interaction on what they would like to do to each other. And as PP said, where are the boundaries?

He is taking energy out of your relationship and putting them elsewhere. He is being dismissive of your feelings.

Not good...

AnyFucker · 07/08/2022 11:30

This man could do what he likes but he would forfeit his relationship with me

Why do you think you deserve less than that ?

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 12:41

And is the equivalent true for you?

He's perfectly fine with that, is he?

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 12:47

has always seen nudes as no big deal, and would scroll through porn subs on reddit casually throughout the day.

Wouldn't be ok with this either.

Looking at nude people, porn etc is OK in your private time and space, but not appropriate, respectful etc in front of your partner (unless they want you to do it/are involved).

What if there are kids, other relatives about? Does he do it then? Presumably not ... so he can extend that appropriate behaviour to his partner, as he should have from the beginning.

As for the sexting .. it's a form of cheating. If you did it, would i bet it would be unacceptable/cheating.

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 12:51

I would just roll my eyes.

I would not be rolling my eyes if my partner was looking at nude images of women in porn threads on reddit throughout the day.

If they weren't dumped, which they should be, I'd find threads with images of male fitness models and male porn actors, and amateur porn actors/uploaded and sit near him looking at them ..... bet you'd see a "discussion" about appropriate behaviour happen rather quickly then.

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 12:51

*uploaders

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 12:55

Anyway he tested you by looking at the nudes etc in your presence ... realised realised we're soft enough to put up with it/wouldn't rock the boat, and felt free to use escalate to sexting, believing you wouldn't kick him out/get rid of him for that either. He's using convenient little "rules" to get you to back off now you've found out "sexting us not cheating", "it's not cheating if you never meet them" etc etc.
Rules he's made up. He's taking the piss.

I doubt he's ever going to stop taking the piss either. He just wants a woman sift and gullible and low self esteened enough to let him do what he wants, while having all the advantages of a relationship

motheroftheyear95 · 07/08/2022 12:56

Similar to a response I put earlier on another thread. Why do some woman put up with this, I’d probably tell him to fuck off to be fair.

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 12:58

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/08/2022 11:20

Of course it's cheating. I'm amazed that you even need to ask. It's completely unacceptable. How would he feel, if you were sexting other men? If he found out that his Mum was messaging other men about their dicks, would he think that was okay? Where do you draw the line? Is it okay to sext Lauren next door, as long as he doesn't shag her? What about a girl at work? The bottom line, is that he is seeking his sexual gratification from women that aren't you. Personally, I think this will eventually lead to full on cheating (if it hasn't already), and I would be out.

And this.

She's asking because he's gas lighting the fuck out of her.

ArtistViv · 07/08/2022 13:00

These men are nuts. Honestly, the behaviour is just unreal with some of them, isn't it? I used to date a guy who would be sent smutty 'love letters' from his ex-girlfriend - stupid man thought this was fine because 'nothing' was going on between them, plus his ex knew about me. The contents of these letters were sexually explicit and I won't repeat them here! In my case, I found it a real turn-off, both sexually and emotionally; the fact it was a) happening in the first instance!, b) he wasn't prepared to take my feelings into account when I said I found it weird and inappropriate to be behaving like this whilst in a relationship and c) he wasn't prepared to put an end to it.

Some of 'em really are just incredibly thick I think.

At least you know the score, so you know what you're dealing with, OP so you can decide whether it's something you can tolerate - and I doubt there's a single female brain cell on here that would think it would be unreasonable for you to ltb.

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 13:01

Apparently he talks to them for variety and sometimes just casually when he's bored.

I take it this is porn actresses/nude "models" etc. .... they aren't messaging men for free. They're out to make money. Is he posting for this in some way? Seems likely. So he's wasting your household income too.

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 13:02

*paying

LooseGoose22 · 07/08/2022 13:09

He's never sent any photos back, as far as I'm aware

They'd block him if he did, probably. This is probably about smchoozing him to get payments for images/videos.

NobblyKnees · 07/08/2022 13:17

Cheating or not, its downright disrespectful and I wouldn't put up with it for a second now I'm older and wiser. I had an ex, when I was in my early twenties, who I discovered was doing this, including trawling those 'affair' sites. Apparently he was just curious, it was harmless and just fantasy. YET if I so much as laughed at one of his male friends jokes I was trying to shag them, I was a slag coming onto his mates and he'd go ballistic, to the extent he'd physically attack me.

It's only harmless fantasy when THEY do it.

These days, the slightest hint of this shit and I'd be out. I refuse to be the one who cooks, cleans and looks after the family and home while he sits back fantasising about other women and using my body to have sex with.

And i don't give a shit how many women have been conditioned into thinking this is all OK. Women throughout history have been conditioned in one way or another to accept being disrespected while considering themselves lucky any bloke wants to be with them.

Nope

Mavissel · 07/08/2022 13:23

Having just gone through several weeks of hell literally regarding this very subject, you are perfectly right and reasonable to expect fidelity in your relationship and you determine what you find morally ethical. Do not let him gaslight you or try and shift blame to you. I have screamed at my husband to get through to him to stop or I was off. He would not let it drop defending his cam girl chats just being fantasy. In the end you have to refuse to believe the lies they are telling you and themselves. I have now hopefully got through to him but the cost to my emotional and mental health has been huge . Anyone who can trample on our emotions so readily are not acting in our best interests.

TooHotToTangoToo · 07/08/2022 13:29

It's cheating in my opinion and would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm fairly chilled about porn and nudes that are on an open forum, I don't particularly like it but I don't see it as an issue.

But personal one to one interaction of a sexual nature is cheating.

Would he be happy if you did this with another man?

Original poster
solarbean · 08/08/2022 13:42

Thanks for the responses. I feel like I'm going crazy as I agree with most of what's posted here but it feels like it's a completely different situation IRL. When only fans was in the news all my friends (even the women) were talking about how it shouldn't be a big deal as only the puritans have a problem with nudes or porn when it should be viewed just like Instagram or regular photos. I still have the WhatsApp chats.

It always made me feel like I was the one being controlling or insecure when I didn't like seeing DP scroll through it throughout the day. The chats are what got me but I'm not surprised because these are all interactive sites and I seriously doubt most people will browse without commenting or interacting. Just feels different when I actually see it happening.

OP posts:
LooseGoose22 · 08/08/2022 15:01

When only fans was in the news all my friends (even the women) were talking about how it shouldn't be a big deal as only the puritans have a problem with nudes or porn

Ffs.

I watch porn myself. Im aware my partnervwatches porn, in private and in moderation.

I would never ever be ok with anything interactive or real-time.

Nor anything involving payment.

(This subject reminds me of lap dancing clubs ... women accepting it while thinking its like a Hollywood movie version of a lap dancing club and having no idea about what they can really be like, in the UK, let alone abroad, and then thinking other women are prudes of they object to them. Meanwhile they have no real grasp on the subject and also are ignoring the fact that there partner would never, in a month of Sundays, tolerate them doing the equivalent. Its some combo of low standards/expectations, submissiveness, accepting double standards, misogyny, ostrich headed, defeatist, naivety etc. Its hard to even define).

Lozzerbmc · 08/08/2022 15:05

My DP doesnt see harm in it either which I just find staggering. They think if its not actually physical its ok…. I’ve repeately caught him out on dating /hook up sites (hes so careless) but im officially broken so making my future plans now.

LooseGoose22 · 08/08/2022 15:05

Do you have any kids with this wanker?

Are you financially dependant on him?

LooseGoose22 · 08/08/2022 15:06

They think if its not actually physical

Would they think likewise if you were doing it?

LooseGoose22 · 08/08/2022 15:09

I’ve repeately caught him out on dating /hook up sites

While it is completely inappropriate and a form of cheating, buying nude pics and videos and messaging "models"/actresses etc. is actually not even as bad as this.

Prunel · 08/08/2022 15:09

It’s not the sort of cheating I would end a relationship over at this point. But I would if it continued after we spoke.
its sexually motivated contact, and contact of a sexual nature, with people outside the marriage
so to me that’s a clear boundary

how would he feel about you receiving and sending nudes. Would it be ok for you to video chat and sext? Are there different lines for you and him?
i suppose you need to work out if he will stop or wants to stop and go from there