Is my H a narcissist.

[hewouldwouldnthe]

He does...

Cheat. how far this goes insofar as actual intercourse I don't know, but I know he is constantly chasing other women. I know he craves their admiration. This has gone on for 20 years.
He loved bombed me and asked me to marry him on the second date, saying later that all men would say that to get the girl to sleep with them.
Once reeled in he future faked me until I gave him an ultimatum, marry me or we're done, and we got married.
once married he continued to do what he wanted, enjoying his hobbies and friends and putting them over me and leaving me alone a lot.
Stupid me thought he would change when we had children, and as he'd never shown violent or temper issues, I thought we could still have a good life.
Rages started when I was pregnant. Totally out of the blue, 0-90 full on screaming episodes lasting up to 2 hours. sometimes pushing and waving his fist in my face.
Never apologised, never retracted the hurtful things, eventually refused to talk about it as it would set off the rage again.
Blames me for the bad marriage, tells me I am cold and distant. (I'm not)
Believes his own lies about me and genuinely believes he is my victim.

Had a bad childhood because he has ADHD and was just considered 'naughty' and punished physically and also told he was wicked.
Suffers with anxiety and depression.
Utterly self obsessed, everything is about him.
racist and mysoginist
Secretive.
Lies very convincingly, to the point I think he believes them
Gaslights me all the time
Thinks he should be the alpha male, despite poor job prospects and poor educational achievements.

Massive porn addiction, but pretty vanilla stuff.
Showed very little interest in his own children.
Massively overreacts to anything he regards as criticism.

However
He doesn't Have grandiose ideas that he should rule the world
can empathise with others pain and suffering, but 'feels' their pain as though it was him, so making it about him. Difficult to explain this.
He does feel regret about some of the behaviours in his past.
Has calmed down a lot and the rages are short lived and not as intense (helped by the fact I don't engage any more)
Loves his young grandson but still doesn't put himself out to do things with him.
His past rages were about 4-6 monthly and he was fairly normal in between. We did some fairly normal family things then.
He says his rages are set of by anxiety but he never tells me he is anxious. I think he is ashamed of this 'weakness'.
Not obsessed with body image.
Used to be a good lover, very giving and affectionate.

Happy to take his grandson to nursery and to help our adult children where necessary.

Chats to our DC and takes a genuine interest in their lives.

I'm not asking for advice on leaving etc, thats all in hand, but I want to know whether I took on someone who would never be a husband or partner and what exactly I was dealing with. He doesn't tick to full NPD boxes, and I basically want to know why he married me just to spend 20 years trying to destroy me.
I am seriously considering therapy.

It sounds like you unwittingly got into a relationship with a man who has some very well-hidden issues. He is a person who needs continual validation from people. The issues surrounding your pregnancy are explained by the fact that some of your attention is taken away from him and onto your baby. He gets his main source of support and comfort from you but he still needs more.

It sounds like he has been trying to juggle all his sources of supply (perhaps this does indicate some narcissism?) which explains the cheating and the leaving you alone a lot. All the time he's got you secured at home, he feels content, but he still needs more validation.

Do you know much about his childhood? It's possible he was raised by a narcissist maybe? Was he very close with one of his parents but at the same time there might be indications this parent neglected him at times? Is he the youngest child? Does he have older siblings? Was he bullied by them?

Just a guess but I would say he probably suffers from issues regarding emasculation.

All the best hope you look after yourself.

I have spent a long time wondering if my ex h was actually a narc or just an arehole. I think he's probably an arsehole with narc tendencies. I guess I the end it doesn't matter. You are getting out. That's the main thing.

He sounds very much like my ex who ticked all but one of the boxes. Narcissistic abuse is quite specific and does take some healing from so I think therapy would be a good idea.

I found Dr Ramani on Youtube and Maria Consiglio helpful. There will be those who say "Just forget him and move on" but you cannot just forget the quite specific behaviours intentionally done to you for all those years. I needed to understand the reasoning behind those behaviours before I was able to start healing.

I'm glad to hear you will be getting out but please be very careful, it it the most dangerous time for anyone in an abusive relationship. Women's Aid can help you. Keep posting if it helps, we're here for you

@Cheminaufaules He was one of four children. second son, always jeolous of his older brother and constantly fighting each other (they are very alike). His sister he hated as she was always dads favourite and likes his much younger brother, who he has an almost fatherly (superior) relationship with. Got lots of beatings from his father for being so 'naughty', loving mother but he was called a lot of things like wicked by her. As an adult worships his parents which seems so odd.

My mind is indeed totally fucked with it all and I just need to understand it wasn't me. I have good relationship with all my family, friends and children. Good job, people respect me, and I show none of the characteristics he tells me I have.

He loved bombed me and asked me to marry him on the second date, saying later that all men would say that to get the girl to sleep with them.

Stopped reading here.

Yep. Narcissist

My mind is indeed totally fucked with it all and I just need to understand it wasn't me. I have good relationship with all my family, friends and children. Good job, people respect me, and I show none of the characteristics he tells me I have.

No, he wants everything you've got so he tells you anything to make you feel bad about and doubt yourself. It's his twisted way of making himself feel better.

It really wasn't you, it would have been any partner he had. The same will happen to any new supply he gets.

My ex had a not dissimilar upbringing. Towards the end of his abusive parent's life he said he wouldn't miss them and didn't have any time for them but when they died he was positively fawning about his amazing childhood and what a brilliant parent they had been. The kinder parent was always whined about when he was having his regular rants but it occurs to me now he perhaps felt let down that that parent hadn't protected him from the other one and that's why he always blamed them for something unrelated.

It can be quite fascinating trying to work them out. They're not wired like the rest of us.

Not sure if he's a narc but he's certainly a shit.

@VanillaParkersBowl So familiar! Yes, for years he told me he had an idyllic childhood, lots of friends, wonderful parents. Only slowly has it slipped out about the abuse his father dealt out.

Understanding him is untangling the confusion in me and freeing me from his influence. It is very hard to accept the behaviours which predominated. He was lovely at times, and funny and considerate, so not universally hideous, and not all the time, but I simply can't come back from the bad memories he created. The more detached I've become the more I see things clearly.

The more detached I've become the more I see things clearly.

I found that too. When I was with him I thought I was going out of my mind but as soon as he had gone it was like something lifted and the air cleared. I then had the space to begin to see quite what I had been enduring. They keep your head so full of them and their shit that you're not able to see the bigger picture.

I had the good times too and to begin with that's what really hurt but now I just see them as a sham, they were but a device to keep me hanging on.

I simply can't come back from the bad memories he created

That's a good way of putting it. Did he sabotage what should have been meaningful or special occasions for you or your children? Mine ruined so many of my birthdays (nearly killed me on one of them!), ruined my mum's last Christmas, always managed to put a downer on anything until the attention was turned on him then he blossomed!

@VanillaParkersBowl yes, I can't remember any really happy times which he didn't ruin. Holidays were always dreadful

I wonder if that was because he was away from his usual 'supply' at work. And out of his comfort zone.

Dont need to check every box to be a narcissist. Certainly sounds like he is one.

The more important issue though, is that you may have codependency issues. Either as a result of your relationship with him or from before.

Because if you need to give someone an ultimatum to marry you then that's not herhy behaviour. From you.

Concentrate on getting away. But then maybe consider seeking a relevant therapist to help you work on your boundaries.

*healthy

Why do you even care what label it is OP.

seriously

its a very mumsnet thing to be hung up about labelling people narcissists or goingNC or LTB

He is an absolute pig on pretty much every level. I think that’s all you need to know objectively.

so don’t subject you or your children to this environment going forward

What I don’t understand is why you are buying a property with him requiring huge renovation works? Just tying yourself to him even tighter

I am not buying a house with H, I am helping my relative buy one. If you continued to scroll down, you would see its about an inheritance issue and buying a house with a 50/50 Trust. 'We' simply refers to me, relative and other family members.
H and I already have a house. I'm sitting in it.

Op 20 years you have lived like this.

and you are worrying about labels

what you have described isn’t a life. It’s a pretty depressing existence

It could be a personality disorder.
You may find it easier to consider it as neurodiversity.
He could have attachment disorders from the abusive childhood.

Thing is, you'll never know for sure. You only have the information he is prepared to share with you about his childhood. You only know what he tells you about his internal world and thinking.

Narcs never think they have a problem, it's the rest of us that cause all the trouble!

I'd accept that he had difficult, damaging behaviours, and just acknowledge them as that without worrying too much about defining them.

Concentrate on the future. Let him worry about what his 'diagnosis' should be.

The realisation that he actually believes the lies he tells me about myself and not just said in anger to hurt me, is what I find shocking. I'm sure he does this to justify to himself the way he treats me.

I've been burying my head in the sand since the beginning and I just feel I need to process things so that I can move on and not be tortured by feelings that it was me. I know it wasn't but I feel I'm stuck in limbo. I really thought one day he would tell me how sorry he was and take the responsibility but now I know that won't happen. I think its about closure, but I'm not going to get it.

Any idea how much counselling costs?

You say you have your exit plan in hand - how long is it until you can leave the shared home?

Accepting it may be all you need to do. As in, no need to unpick, just accept it and move on.

Try the freedom programme, and Lindsey Bancroft 'why does he do that?'.

Between them they cover a lot of ground! Might be enough!

I’d recommend Dr Ramanis YouTube channel, she is an expert on this!

https://youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani

It is common for narcs to cheat as it’s a way they get “supply”. Rages and tantrums are common as narcissists can’t regulate their emotions well. Love bombing is also common with narcissists. He might be a “vulnerable” narcissist hence not grandiose.

Sorry link doesn’t work!

If you type in YouTube Dr Ramani Narcissists she has many many videos.

@picklemewalnuts Try the freedom programme, and Lindsey Bancroft 'why does he do that?'.
Done both :-)
@ilyx Thanks, I take a look. Agree from what I've read he is not a grandiose narc, but vulnerable. I think thats what has confused me and made me stay so long.

@hewouldwouldnthe I'm sorry to read your story it rings many bells for. I think I feel the same about needing to understand and unpick it all. It’s not you so dwell on that aspect too much I agree that Dr Ramani is very good. I found it helped reading about covert narcissism.