He does...
Cheat. how far this goes insofar as actual intercourse I don't know, but I know he is constantly chasing other women. I know he craves their admiration. This has gone on for 20 years.
He loved bombed me and asked me to marry him on the second date, saying later that all men would say that to get the girl to sleep with them.
Once reeled in he future faked me until I gave him an ultimatum, marry me or we're done, and we got married.
once married he continued to do what he wanted, enjoying his hobbies and friends and putting them over me and leaving me alone a lot.
Stupid me thought he would change when we had children, and as he'd never shown violent or temper issues, I thought we could still have a good life.
Rages started when I was pregnant. Totally out of the blue, 0-90 full on screaming episodes lasting up to 2 hours. sometimes pushing and waving his fist in my face.
Never apologised, never retracted the hurtful things, eventually refused to talk about it as it would set off the rage again.
Blames me for the bad marriage, tells me I am cold and distant. (I'm not)
Believes his own lies about me and genuinely believes he is my victim.
Had a bad childhood because he has ADHD and was just considered 'naughty' and punished physically and also told he was wicked.
Suffers with anxiety and depression.
Utterly self obsessed, everything is about him.
racist and mysoginist
Secretive.
Lies very convincingly, to the point I think he believes them
Gaslights me all the time
Thinks he should be the alpha male, despite poor job prospects and poor educational achievements.
Massive porn addiction, but pretty vanilla stuff.
Showed very little interest in his own children.
Massively overreacts to anything he regards as criticism.
However
He doesn't Have grandiose ideas that he should rule the world
can empathise with others pain and suffering, but 'feels' their pain as though it was him, so making it about him. Difficult to explain this.
He does feel regret about some of the behaviours in his past.
Has calmed down a lot and the rages are short lived and not as intense (helped by the fact I don't engage any more)
Loves his young grandson but still doesn't put himself out to do things with him.
His past rages were about 4-6 monthly and he was fairly normal in between. We did some fairly normal family things then.
He says his rages are set of by anxiety but he never tells me he is anxious. I think he is ashamed of this 'weakness'.
Not obsessed with body image.
Used to be a good lover, very giving and affectionate.
Happy to take his grandson to nursery and to help our adult children where necessary.
Chats to our DC and takes a genuine interest in their lives.
I'm not asking for advice on leaving etc, thats all in hand, but I want to know whether I took on someone who would never be a husband or partner and what exactly I was dealing with. He doesn't tick to full NPD boxes, and I basically want to know why he married me just to spend 20 years trying to destroy me.
I am seriously considering therapy.