Advice/help please - I just don’t fancy/want amazing DP. Have I made a mistake?

[TryingToLoveHim]

If you are reading this then thank you so much as I am desperate for advice.

I’ve been with my DP for 4 years. We have a baby.
We got together right after I got my heart broken by someone I was besotted with.

DP is a lovely lovely man. He’s very kind, supportive and adores me and our baby.

He’s house proud and loves taking care of home and his family. He cooks me tea every night, does most of the housework and is 50/50 in regards to our baby. Takes baby off out on his own to give me a break. Does the mornings on weekends so I can have a lie in. Encourages me to go out with friends whilst he stays with baby.

DP has a loving big family who’ve welcomed me in with open arms and his parents are even doing childcare when I finish mat leave. They treat me like a daughter and his siblings treat me as one of the pack.

DP is the definition of ‘family’ man. It’s all he’s ever wanted. He does the food shop every week and meal plans. He’s just done up the garden so me and baby can sit out there during the day.

I suffer with depression and he even reorders my prescriptions for me and picks it up every month.

I’m fortunate enough to not relate to many other womens complaints about ‘wife work’ and the mental load.

Now here lies the issue.

I do not fancy DP. Never have. The sex is also awful.

When we met it was after a break up I’d been through with a man child. My previous relationship to that was with a man I lived with who was also a man child.
By man child I mean the typical not doing housework until instructed to do so and basically me organising everything boring/mundane etc.

I read a lot of forums like this and had lots of friends older who’d settled down with these types of men and I saw what having children would be like. I knew that wasn’t the life I wanted of being with someone who I had to carry the mental load for.

When I met DP he was living on his own in a lovely tidy house. Held down a decent job. And was very ‘grown up’ in managing all aspects of his own life. Plus lovely. The only met I knew that lived like him were older men after divorces/separations. Or had baggage of some kind such as kids etc.

I knew i couldn’t have it all ways so I overlooked the lack of physical attraction and hoped it would grow and it somewhat did. We grew closer and I felt so comfortable and knew life with him would be lovely and simple. So I went against my gut and continued to date him. We had lovely weekends away and got on so well.

Sex was horrendous however. But I put that down to the fact he was so inexperienced. He’d only ever had sex twice before me.

I tried to work at the sex with him. Using toys, lingerie and showing him different ways. But he would always ejaculate prematurely or not be able to maintain an erection.
He went to the doctors and had his hormones checked which came back fine and tried viagra. But never really worked.

Even if he’s able to maintain an erection without ejaculating he can’t get into any kind of rhythm.

if you’ve ever watched the ‘In betweeners’ it’s like that scene when Will gets on top of Charlotte and flops up and down.
I would literally have to guide his hips and everything. The mood would go as I’d be like a teacher and his erection would go down or he’d ejaculate.

foreplay is not much better unfortunately.

I went through a bad depressive patch when I lost all libido so sex wasn’t in the forefront of my mind for a while anyway. During this time he really was my rock.

I came out of the depression and we moved in together. After him being there for me and having so many other amazing qualities I did not want to throw it all away over sex.

I then got pregnant and we were both over the moon. I had 0 libido during my pregnancy so again sex wasn’t an issue.
I had my baby and we were in a baby bubble of bliss.

Now baby is here, we’re in a house we’re renovating and he’s loving life.
But with the depression sorted and baby being born mu libido has now come back full swing.

Weve attempted sex a few times since having baby and it’s been absolutely horrendous. Worse than ever. To the point there really is no point in even trying. He either ejaculates before we’ve even started or if he manages its literally us trying to maintain the one position so he doesn’t go soft.
Foreplay is off the cards as again he ejaculates just by doing stuff to me.
So all we can do is have me use a toy on myself and him not touch himself at all and then once I finish he ejaculates. So there really is no point.

Im at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. How did I let myself get here? I now have an entire family with a dog and all the trimmings.
But I’m only 29. I’m not ready to live a life of no sex.
But at the same time I am not ignorant to the realities of life.
I could split up with him tomorrow and find a man to have lots of mind blowing sex with but gives me ‘wife work’ or isn’t hands on with kids or whatever else.

I keep telling myself that no one is perfect and I can’t have it all ways. I have lots of friends of all ages in various types of relationships. Some put up with partners who don’t pull their weight in the house. Some put up with men who are emotionally unavailable. Some with partners who are tight with money or workaholics. Others with partners who are hands off dads or don’t do the mental/emotional labour of raising a family.
So everyone has to compromise somewhere?

Every morning before DP goes to work he brings me up a coffee in bed. Kisses mine and the babies forehead and makes sure the bottles are all sterilised ready for when we get up for the day.

I think to myself how fortunate I am to have a true partner. But then I feel in the mood or see friends in throws of passion and I think that’ll never be me again.

please please please give me some perspective and advice. I just don’t know what to do.

Sorry for any typos. I’m on my mobile.

Gosh i don't know what to say but hoping you navigate this somehow.

If the sex was decent would you fancy him? If so I reckon it's worth maybe seeking some kind of sex therapy. He does sound like a brilliant partner and dad but at 29 you can't live your life in a sexless partnership (unless you're happy to, of course!). But as you sound happy with your family set up I would definitely try to see if you can solve the sex issues?

You might need professional and probably private medical help for the PE.
does he want the sex to be better or is he happy with it?

Does he know how terrible it is for you? In the short term I’d stop having any sex until he corrects the problem. It’s sort of ridiculous at his age to be such a shit shag.

Could you and he go to a sex therapist? He sounds like a lovely man who needs help with his technique. You would be mad to leave him, but you would also be mad to put up with his lack of sexual prowess. I really think your relationship is worth saving.

Wow. Really hard dilemma. I would 100% recommend seeing a couples and/or sex therapist. A really good one as a bad one can be worse than nothing. He has issues that need dealing with and it's totally reasonable that he tries for your sake. You can frame it as you want to connect with him rather than as him failing. Good luck OP.

Can he get an erection soon after ejaculating? I had an ex who would ejaculate really quickly, but he would be able to get an erection quite soon afterwards and then the second time he would last a lot longer, so we just worked around it

Honestly I would be prepared to put up with a poor sex life to avoid a lot of the shit that women talk about on here, but everyone has their own personal limits.

Does he masturbate much? The other thing I thought of is women talking about men with delayed ejaculation due to too much masturbation, maybe a little more masturbation would help him last longer?

Definitely look into sex therapy. It would be a shame to give up on such a great partner without trying all options first.

As per PP , can he go round 2 and last a bit longer?
How would do you think he would feel about using delay condoms or taking priligy, or maybe both?

Thank you so much for your replies.

We have considered sex therapy but where do we even start? Is it just him? Or do we both go?
Can it be done online? We live somewhere everyone knows everyone so wouldn’t want anyone who may be connected to us somehow.

he’s been to the GP who prescribed viagra as well as checking his hormones but all come back normal.

He has a good libido and is well aware of his issues so does really try.

Once he ejaculates he can’t become hard again unfortunately so its game over.

If the sex was decent then the attraction would most definitely grow further.
But trying to teach someone how to have sex for several years has definitely affected the attraction.

When we conceived we basically were trying to have sex daily for a few weeks. Sometimes we’d be able to do it if we had no foreplay and stayed in the same position and it’d last maybe 2-3 minutes. Couldn’t change position as by the time we did he’d have gone soft. Other times he’d ejaculate by the time we’d taken our clothes off.

we’ve tried him ejaculating himself a few hours before not see if that’d desensitise him but that doesn’t work.

He tried not masturbating for several weeks to see if that’d make a difference but no.

He masturbates about twice a week if we have no sex like during pregnancy, sometimes once a week or not at all for a week or two. So not a huge lot to get the ‘death grip’ we’d read about.

I would absolutely have professional sex therapy.

TBH if he was decent at foreplay and he was making you cum then I could live the PE if he could.

I'd agree with sex therapy.

Having had some difficult times with sex I don't want to say anything like 'do this and everything will be fine', because it's never like that. But what about passionate intimacy? Lying naked together connected from head to toes, just kissing and talking? Having a bath together and washing each other?

And what about him using the toy on you, licking you? Dirty talk? Taking the focus right off his genitals and putting it back on yours?

I'd say it depends on how wedded you are to sex as the act of penetration. Some people really need it, whereas others would be happy to just have him do things to you and never mind if he ejaculates. Honestly, I think you are accomodating it to the point where it makes it ok. You must get him to do all the other things to you for as long as you want them.

I do have some experience of this as my ex (also very nice, handsome, reliable, clean, nice family etc) had ED and premature ejaculation. Although things did improve it was never good, and that was partly because his issue came to dominate all of the sex. All my ideas and little things another lover might notice went out of the window and it became totally about whether he lasted/could or not. So if he did then that was 'good' sex. But it was all totally unrelated to my pleasure. It was pretty selfish, actually, although of course it was always framed as if poor him.

I didn't have kids with him but eventually I broke up with him and got together with someone horrendous who I am now divorcing, exactly the kind of thing you are aware of. He had no problems in bed, probably because he was literally a total cock. Not sure what the answer is, but good luck.

Interestingly.. my P used to ejaculate quite quickly, but he had to go on Sertraline for separate issues and now sex can last! I read the leaflet and it says it can be a treatment for premature ejaculation. So maybe you could try the GP again? I'd definitely try and save your relationship if I were in your shoes. But it does sound awful :( x

Might be a bit left field, but have you thought about him wearing a hollow strap on or cock sheath ? , then it doesn’t matter so much if he goes soft or cums to quickly?

Sorry you’re going through this OP.
How does he feel about it? Surely he’s not happy with the situation either? If he’s willing to work on it, try sex therapy etc then I think it’s worth staying.
Its not the same I know, but I was in a relationship with an absolutely lovely guy who worshipped me. But I really didn’t fancy him much, I tried to convince myself I did but I used to be so relieved when my period came and I had an excuse not to sleep with him. Then I met my DH. We had an affair, and the sex was amazing. I realised I could never ever go back to being with someone I wasn’t attracted to. It was a terrible thing to do (have the affair I mean) but I know now that I’d rather be alone than live like that again.

Try ringing Relate even if they can't help they might be able to point you in the right direction. Hope it works out for you. He sounds amazing. Maybe needs a bit of confidence as hasn't had a great deal of experience. Don't give up on him just yet.

My husband very similar when we first got together. Although we would ejaculate before penetration and the rhythm wasn't the worst.

We were both virgins but had our own experiences with masturbation and very clued up about sex, He was a virgin and would joke first tine we have sex I'll cum in 20 seconds (he lasted about 40 seconds). He would come very quickly for a while after but we had sex very frequently and he started lasting much longer.

There was a time I was pregnant and we had to pause sex for various reason, he started coming quickly again when we resumed as weren't having sex frequently for a few weeks.
After I gave birth we didn't have sex for 2m + and again he didn't last long AT ALL. when my libido returned and we started having sex daily again he started being able to last much longer. I think perhaps it's an experience thing. You said he only had sex twice before you, he maybe older but his sexual age is still teenager due to his lack of experience. I think he needs to have sex more frequently to last longer.

Also i would highly highly recommend oral sex! If he comes before penetration at least you were taken care of first or you can do oral till you organism afterwards. So at the end of intimacy you won't be left feeling frustrated. Instead you'll be in bliss.

Another thing you can try is shower sex, you stay more in the hot water than him. He'll last longer as he'll be cold 😂

As PPs said I would say try sex therapy if you've tried all other avenues. You could have a Google for online sex therapy, I'm sure there must be a few places!

Best of luck OP

Why don't you get him to cum very fast at the start of the session on purpose. After that's over you can both relax and start properly with foreplay - whatever you want. I don't see why sex has to end with him ejaculating.

If he can't keep up a rhythm why don't you get on top?

We live somewhere everyone knows everyone so wouldn’t want anyone who may be connected to us somehow

Stop putting up roadblocks to getting him help. Go to a professional and it doesn't matter where you live.

What is your relationship with your parents like? What kind of relationship did they have? It seems like he is superb at independent living and looking after you in quite a fatherly way. But in the area of sex, he is inexperienced and gauche and can't look after you. Does it worry him? Is he satisfied? It sounds like you settled.

You've said it yourself: you can't have it all ways. You made a choice and if you can't stick with it, your next stage will be divorce. You seem to be depressed whatever your situation is.

So, you basically "settled"? You're lucky he is bothering with you

Sounds to me like he’s compensating the shit sex by doing all the housework/child care etc.
You’re not married, so plan to leave.