Advice/help please - I just don’t fancy/want amazing DP. Have I made a mistake?

[TryingToLoveHim]

If you are reading this then thank you so much as I am desperate for advice.

I’ve been with my DP for 4 years. We have a baby.
We got together right after I got my heart broken by someone I was besotted with.

DP is a lovely lovely man. He’s very kind, supportive and adores me and our baby.

He’s house proud and loves taking care of home and his family. He cooks me tea every night, does most of the housework and is 50/50 in regards to our baby. Takes baby off out on his own to give me a break. Does the mornings on weekends so I can have a lie in. Encourages me to go out with friends whilst he stays with baby.

DP has a loving big family who’ve welcomed me in with open arms and his parents are even doing childcare when I finish mat leave. They treat me like a daughter and his siblings treat me as one of the pack.

DP is the definition of ‘family’ man. It’s all he’s ever wanted. He does the food shop every week and meal plans. He’s just done up the garden so me and baby can sit out there during the day.

I suffer with depression and he even reorders my prescriptions for me and picks it up every month.

I’m fortunate enough to not relate to many other womens complaints about ‘wife work’ and the mental load.

Now here lies the issue.

I do not fancy DP. Never have. The sex is also awful.

When we met it was after a break up I’d been through with a man child. My previous relationship to that was with a man I lived with who was also a man child.
By man child I mean the typical not doing housework until instructed to do so and basically me organising everything boring/mundane etc.

I read a lot of forums like this and had lots of friends older who’d settled down with these types of men and I saw what having children would be like. I knew that wasn’t the life I wanted of being with someone who I had to carry the mental load for.

When I met DP he was living on his own in a lovely tidy house. Held down a decent job. And was very ‘grown up’ in managing all aspects of his own life. Plus lovely. The only met I knew that lived like him were older men after divorces/separations. Or had baggage of some kind such as kids etc.

I knew i couldn’t have it all ways so I overlooked the lack of physical attraction and hoped it would grow and it somewhat did. We grew closer and I felt so comfortable and knew life with him would be lovely and simple. So I went against my gut and continued to date him. We had lovely weekends away and got on so well.

Sex was horrendous however. But I put that down to the fact he was so inexperienced. He’d only ever had sex twice before me.

I tried to work at the sex with him. Using toys, lingerie and showing him different ways. But he would always ejaculate prematurely or not be able to maintain an erection.
He went to the doctors and had his hormones checked which came back fine and tried viagra. But never really worked.

Even if he’s able to maintain an erection without ejaculating he can’t get into any kind of rhythm.

if you’ve ever watched the ‘In betweeners’ it’s like that scene when Will gets on top of Charlotte and flops up and down.
I would literally have to guide his hips and everything. The mood would go as I’d be like a teacher and his erection would go down or he’d ejaculate.

foreplay is not much better unfortunately.

I went through a bad depressive patch when I lost all libido so sex wasn’t in the forefront of my mind for a while anyway. During this time he really was my rock.

I came out of the depression and we moved in together. After him being there for me and having so many other amazing qualities I did not want to throw it all away over sex.

I then got pregnant and we were both over the moon. I had 0 libido during my pregnancy so again sex wasn’t an issue.
I had my baby and we were in a baby bubble of bliss.

Now baby is here, we’re in a house we’re renovating and he’s loving life.
But with the depression sorted and baby being born mu libido has now come back full swing.

Weve attempted sex a few times since having baby and it’s been absolutely horrendous. Worse than ever. To the point there really is no point in even trying. He either ejaculates before we’ve even started or if he manages its literally us trying to maintain the one position so he doesn’t go soft.
Foreplay is off the cards as again he ejaculates just by doing stuff to me.
So all we can do is have me use a toy on myself and him not touch himself at all and then once I finish he ejaculates. So there really is no point.

Im at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. How did I let myself get here? I now have an entire family with a dog and all the trimmings.
But I’m only 29. I’m not ready to live a life of no sex.
But at the same time I am not ignorant to the realities of life.
I could split up with him tomorrow and find a man to have lots of mind blowing sex with but gives me ‘wife work’ or isn’t hands on with kids or whatever else.

I keep telling myself that no one is perfect and I can’t have it all ways. I have lots of friends of all ages in various types of relationships. Some put up with partners who don’t pull their weight in the house. Some put up with men who are emotionally unavailable. Some with partners who are tight with money or workaholics. Others with partners who are hands off dads or don’t do the mental/emotional labour of raising a family.
So everyone has to compromise somewhere?

Every morning before DP goes to work he brings me up a coffee in bed. Kisses mine and the babies forehead and makes sure the bottles are all sterilised ready for when we get up for the day.

I think to myself how fortunate I am to have a true partner. But then I feel in the mood or see friends in throws of passion and I think that’ll never be me again.

please please please give me some perspective and advice. I just don’t know what to do.

I really feel for you. I don’t understand though why his ejaculating by doing things to you means you can only use a toy - surely it’s better for him to continue doing things to you till you orgasm regardless of whether it makes him ejaculate..?

I would seriously look into sex therapy even if in the first instance it was finding a reputable expert and having a couple of sessions alone (online if necessary) to get a sense of the best way forward.

Does he know how awful it is for you? It’s odd that he has no rhythm etc. Do you think he knows what good sex “looks like”?

It’s not a conventional solution but I’d be looking to open the relationship if all else is good and if through counselling/discussion this is something he could countenance.

The sex is one thing, but what sticks out for me is have you thought that he is a controlling person? Things that seem nice, like doing all the shopping mean he controls what you eat, what comes into the house. It's as if he's the parent.

Definitely ask the doctor about sertraline or Citalopram, they really do delay ejaculation.

I feel for you as my ex husband was like this, but we worked around it by him giving me oral, but I also did masturbate a lot in between. Like you he was a lovely family man. I left after 15 years but not because of the sex issues per say but the fact that I couldn’t properly fancy him because of the issues and that we didn’t have a touchy feely sexual attraction, I didn’t feel desired by him. Sex was a little perfunctory.

I’d really continue to get help, sex therapy, try different drugs like Sertraline etc. Good, decent men are very hard to find in my experience - it took me 6 years post divorce to find one (I’m a bit older than you however). Good luck 💐

Citalopram made my DH’s penis soft and he couldn’t finish. It ended our sex life.

Sex therapy. It doesn’t matter if everyone knows everyone where you live, even if the therapist is local they’re not going to go around telling everyone you’re seeing them! Patient confidentiality!

Contact Relate, perhaps research some sex educators online who’ve written books on this kind of thing or even done YouTube talks. You really need to invest in working around the issue to make sex pleasurable. He can still do things to you to make foreplay good even if he’s ejaculated.

How would he feel about opening the relationship? If everything is perfect except the sex, maybe getting it elsewhere is the answer?

Thank you all for your replies.

Yes he does really ‘take care’ of me in maybe a fatherly way. I think that may be because his dad is very much the same with his mum so it’s maybe learnt behaviour?
His dad adores his mum and I recently found out after staying at theirs that his dad brings her a cup of tea to bed every morning and always has done. DP has obviously observed this since being small and now does it himself for me.
It just shows how important parental relationships are I guess.

I will try sex therapy for sure.
Maybe also getting him to go to the GP again to see if there is anything else that can be prescribed.

I actually once mentioned about open relationships during the time we tried sex daily and it wasn’t working. I more said it as a potential avenue to explore purely for sex. He said no and went to the GP right after which obviously hasn’t helped.

A few people have said about settling and yes I did. But I ‘settled’ as I was being pragmatic. I mean how do you even define settling? Getting with someone who gives you butterflies and passion but is crap with money? Or has selfish tendencies? Or needs general life instructions?
Couldn’t you say you settled for a crap partner because he was shit hot?
if you see what I mean? No one is perfect and you can’t have it all is what I told myself.
Maybe I’m wrong?

Someone I know was in the same situation as you, they ended up having an affair. Husband found out and threw her out. She regrets it to this day, 5 years later! Just wishes her and her husband had sorted it out as she will never find a man as good as him again. So I really think it’s worth trying to work through it as I think you will regret it when you end up with a man having great sex but is shit in every other aspect of life. I think a lot of women would love to have a husband that does all the things that yours does. Many women are in sexless relationships when the men are not half as good as yours.

Sounds like he needs appropriate therapy.

The fact that he'd only had sex twice (while there's nothing wrong with that, it is unusual in someone past their early 20s who's not eg very religious) suggests its not just a physical "issue", but a mental/behavioural etc one as well.

So his therapy would appear to need to be holistic, for lack of a better word.

I'm also a bit confused by why, if i understand it correctly, he cant do foreplay/non penetrative sex with you after he's ejaculated.... until you climax, and perhaps his recovery period has elapsed and again he's able to get an erection again. Shouldn't the time between be used for non penetrative sex.

In any case, there's a lot going on with him with both PE and ED. He needs decent quality help and guidance. Whether it's joint or not, I dint know. It might actually be better/easier for him on his own.

The danger of reading forums like this is that you do tend to think that everyone is having hot, great sex all of the time with the perfect partner who helps out, isnt controlling. that or they are monsters. there is no in between. and the reality is that there is an inbetween. for all those who have fantastic sex lives there will be other areas of their marriage that arent so great. I feel a bit sorry for your partner actually as he is being what we all expect a man to be in terms of a caring father and partner yet this one area which he will also know isnt great is making you wonder if you want to stay.

Also it'd worth noting he wonderfulness is, at least in part, overcompensation for the sexual issues he knows he has.

You see that among abusers too (not saying he's abusive!) ... overcompensation in other areas which makes their partner think "oh but he's wonderful, amazing in this way ..".

Because the abusers are aware it would be much be easier for their partner to leave if they didn't compensate.

What I'm trying to see is that it's not an altogether balanced, healthy, positive dynamic.

Sorry about all the typos.

Back on the purely physical, arent PE sufferers supposed to squeeze near the head to prevent/delay ejaculation, repeatedly if necessary ... or is that now an outdated thing.

I don’t mean to be rude, I really don’t, but do you love him?
Just love him?
You kind of talked about him just like you would have been writing a pro and con list about him.
Again, no offence.

I agree with PP, if his honestly as you write about him, he is indeed unusually great man. Seriously.
I’ve never heard of man like that.
So it would be shame to end it, even just for your child’s sake.

How important is sex to you, do you think it will eventually ruin the relationship/ you’d cheat?

Personally, I don’t care about sex, so it wouldn’t be a problem for me, but if it is to you then it is a problem.

Oh, and were your previous relationships more sex focused, maybe you learned some pattern from those experiences….

I think this mindset plays into us women feeling we have to accept half measures though - why can’t we expect to have a decent partner AND a half decent sex life? It’s a false equivalency to say that equates to wanting someone who is perfect.

Even that sentence that your friend “will never find a man as good as him again” suggests that a decent man who you can have sex with is as rare as hen’s teeth.

he is indeed unusually great man. Seriously.
I’ve never heard of man like that.

You don't think it's partly because he's aware he's inexperienced and dysfunctional sexually? (The latter being much much more important of course).🤔.

You see, to me your thread title is incorrect "amazing dp" ... he's not actually "amazing", he suffers from sexual dysfunction that leads to a dissatisfactory, awkward, frustrating sex life. And a sex life is an important part of a relationship for many many people.

"Amazing", for the majority of people for whom a good sex life is important, is not him.

@LooseGoose22

Well, like I wrote in my comment, I don’t care about sex, so from my perspective he does sound amazing.
And I know I’m currently on a thread about sex life, but I usually do not pay much (any) attention to that part of life / relationships so I do not agree with you, at all.

This too.

We shouldn't really be dealing in black and white, either/or, extremes.

While it's not easy to meet people who fulfil most of your "requirements", it's not impossible.

Anyway, ops partner needs to get good quality, sustained counselling for a while before it can be seen whether these issues can be resolved.

Well, like I wrote in my comment, I don’t care about sex, so from my perspective he does sound amazing.

Cool.

Other people are not like you, including op or she wouldn't have created this thread.

So your "I don't care about sex so i think your dp is amazing, suck it up, you lucky woman" is somewhere between irrelevant and insulting.

Another one here that doesn't understand why on Earth he isn't carrying on after he's finished and getting on with sorting you out? Imagine sex was like a sit down dinner. You both sit at the table. Pick up your cutlery and he eats a chip. Announces he is full, can't possibly eat any more. If he then removed YOUR plate and said "sorry, I'm done so you are done too. I don't care if you are hungry" then that would be horrifically controlling.

I think there is much more to this than meets the eye and I agree that he is massively over compensating by making himself indispensable at home. I think this is a control issue, even the act of sex is ALL about him and his penis issues. Of it wasn't all about him then he would carry on and give you a full body massage and oral (or what ever took your fancy).

Agreed. But there’s a whole culture of women being told to suppress their needs and men being given a free pass to be incompetent and unpleasant because that’s “what men do” that will take hundreds of years to undo.

Maybe men like him wouldn’t be so rare if society forced men to step up and taught them that respect and courtesy was the absolute bare minimum they should be giving. As women we need to shake off this ‘he’ll do’ mindset as well. It’s not asking too much or being unrealistic to want someone who meets ALL your needs.

My partner was not great sexually at first but put in the time and effort to improve and we developed our sex life together. He is absolutely everything else you describe - generous, thoughtful, helpful, loving, house proud etc. i wouldn’t settle for less - I’ve literally dumped someone before for leaving a muddy shoe print on my rug.

If you love him - and you perhaps need to think about whether you really do - this is probably worth working on IF he is willing to really put the effort in. If you don’t, well, I can’t say I’d settle for someone I didn’t fancy or love just because he makes tea and mows the lawn.

This was me many years ago and we ended up in a totally sexless marriage for years which ended when HE cheated! I had adapted to this sexless marriage and it was a VERY pleasant experience to have sex with a man after my marriage broke up. In fact it was amazing! I realised what I had been missing. I am now married to a man who is good in all those ways you mention and we have a good sex life.

@LooseGoose22

No idea why you’re being pissy at me, and I never wrote what you claim I did.
Op’s writing is kind of all over the place,bit hard to gauge the real issue, that’s why I made more questions, you clearly read my comment but for whatever reason cherry-picked the part that upset you.

God what a really tricky situation! Whilst it might seem petty to throw away an otherwise incredible relationship because of a crappy sex life, sexual frustration can be impossible to ignore.

I was mega horny in my twenties but now 10 years and 3 DC later, my libido has taken a serious nose dive.. The man/sex you desire now could very likely not match the man/sex life you desire in a matter of a few years.

You may seriously regret throwing this relationship away for good sex but a miserable life otherwise. Our priorities tend to change so much in the middle years of our life!

If you don't find him a total turn off, definitely try the suggestions people have posted here. Your relationship sounds worth hanging on to.

Tell him what you want and need sexually and get him onto the job ASAP.
You are way too young to live like this and you will resent him ( and the tidy house!) years down the line, trust me.

Watch films together, read books, watch porn or what ever, so he can learn but address the situation now. Your needs are important!

The reason it fondues when he comes is because I find it hard to remain in the mood when he I know he’s finished as then he’s no longer horny. That would be the same with ANY partner. As he comes so quick I’m only just getting warmed up so it takes me ages from then on to finish. Imagine your about to do it with a partner but they’ve come before their boxers are even off. It’s hard to then continue stripping yourself off and continue when your still at the very beginning.
It’d be different if we’d spent a while doing stuff so I was in full flow and then come, because then id be closer to the end anyway.
Does that make sense?

In regards to overcompensating then a think that’s true. Although what I will say is that even if we weren’t together he’d do a lot of that stuff anyway. He lived on his own for 10 years before me. He’s always liked a clean home. So that stuff he’d have done regardless of his sexual problems.
Hes also always wanted a family and to be settled as he’s that way inclined anyway or that makes sense. Always loved to cook good meals and plan days out with friends and family.
His dad adores his mum and does a lot for her ‘just because’. So I do think it’s learnt behaviour as to how to show love perhaps.