Advice/help please - I just don’t fancy/want amazing DP. Have I made a mistake?

[TryingToLoveHim]

If you are reading this then thank you so much as I am desperate for advice.

I’ve been with my DP for 4 years. We have a baby.
We got together right after I got my heart broken by someone I was besotted with.

DP is a lovely lovely man. He’s very kind, supportive and adores me and our baby.

He’s house proud and loves taking care of home and his family. He cooks me tea every night, does most of the housework and is 50/50 in regards to our baby. Takes baby off out on his own to give me a break. Does the mornings on weekends so I can have a lie in. Encourages me to go out with friends whilst he stays with baby.

DP has a loving big family who’ve welcomed me in with open arms and his parents are even doing childcare when I finish mat leave. They treat me like a daughter and his siblings treat me as one of the pack.

DP is the definition of ‘family’ man. It’s all he’s ever wanted. He does the food shop every week and meal plans. He’s just done up the garden so me and baby can sit out there during the day.

I suffer with depression and he even reorders my prescriptions for me and picks it up every month.

I’m fortunate enough to not relate to many other womens complaints about ‘wife work’ and the mental load.

Now here lies the issue.

I do not fancy DP. Never have. The sex is also awful.

When we met it was after a break up I’d been through with a man child. My previous relationship to that was with a man I lived with who was also a man child.
By man child I mean the typical not doing housework until instructed to do so and basically me organising everything boring/mundane etc.

I read a lot of forums like this and had lots of friends older who’d settled down with these types of men and I saw what having children would be like. I knew that wasn’t the life I wanted of being with someone who I had to carry the mental load for.

When I met DP he was living on his own in a lovely tidy house. Held down a decent job. And was very ‘grown up’ in managing all aspects of his own life. Plus lovely. The only met I knew that lived like him were older men after divorces/separations. Or had baggage of some kind such as kids etc.

I knew i couldn’t have it all ways so I overlooked the lack of physical attraction and hoped it would grow and it somewhat did. We grew closer and I felt so comfortable and knew life with him would be lovely and simple. So I went against my gut and continued to date him. We had lovely weekends away and got on so well.

Sex was horrendous however. But I put that down to the fact he was so inexperienced. He’d only ever had sex twice before me.

I tried to work at the sex with him. Using toys, lingerie and showing him different ways. But he would always ejaculate prematurely or not be able to maintain an erection.
He went to the doctors and had his hormones checked which came back fine and tried viagra. But never really worked.

Even if he’s able to maintain an erection without ejaculating he can’t get into any kind of rhythm.

if you’ve ever watched the ‘In betweeners’ it’s like that scene when Will gets on top of Charlotte and flops up and down.
I would literally have to guide his hips and everything. The mood would go as I’d be like a teacher and his erection would go down or he’d ejaculate.

foreplay is not much better unfortunately.

I went through a bad depressive patch when I lost all libido so sex wasn’t in the forefront of my mind for a while anyway. During this time he really was my rock.

I came out of the depression and we moved in together. After him being there for me and having so many other amazing qualities I did not want to throw it all away over sex.

I then got pregnant and we were both over the moon. I had 0 libido during my pregnancy so again sex wasn’t an issue.
I had my baby and we were in a baby bubble of bliss.

Now baby is here, we’re in a house we’re renovating and he’s loving life.
But with the depression sorted and baby being born mu libido has now come back full swing.

Weve attempted sex a few times since having baby and it’s been absolutely horrendous. Worse than ever. To the point there really is no point in even trying. He either ejaculates before we’ve even started or if he manages its literally us trying to maintain the one position so he doesn’t go soft.
Foreplay is off the cards as again he ejaculates just by doing stuff to me.
So all we can do is have me use a toy on myself and him not touch himself at all and then once I finish he ejaculates. So there really is no point.

Im at my wits end and I don’t know what to do. How did I let myself get here? I now have an entire family with a dog and all the trimmings.
But I’m only 29. I’m not ready to live a life of no sex.
But at the same time I am not ignorant to the realities of life.
I could split up with him tomorrow and find a man to have lots of mind blowing sex with but gives me ‘wife work’ or isn’t hands on with kids or whatever else.

I keep telling myself that no one is perfect and I can’t have it all ways. I have lots of friends of all ages in various types of relationships. Some put up with partners who don’t pull their weight in the house. Some put up with men who are emotionally unavailable. Some with partners who are tight with money or workaholics. Others with partners who are hands off dads or don’t do the mental/emotional labour of raising a family.
So everyone has to compromise somewhere?

Every morning before DP goes to work he brings me up a coffee in bed. Kisses mine and the babies forehead and makes sure the bottles are all sterilised ready for when we get up for the day.

I think to myself how fortunate I am to have a true partner. But then I feel in the mood or see friends in throws of passion and I think that’ll never be me again.

please please please give me some perspective and advice. I just don’t know what to do.

As I'm sure you are aware you both will be highly anxious about the whole sex and foreplay thing which is going to make change and trying different things difficult and awkward.

There are some assumptions in your post there

• when he comes he's no longer horny
• if a partner isn't actively 'horny' he won't want to do anything sexual with me
• I don't deserve sexual love for my own sake, I have to wait for my partner to be 'horny'

These assumptions may be true for him or they may not. He may want to stop because he's embarrassed not because he's not willing. A man can still want to do sexual or intimate things even if he's not hard. I think sex therapy has huge potential for you as a couple.

You said you initially overlooked the lack of attraction. If there was no attraction to begin with it’s unlikely to develop all these years later regardless of his bedroom skills.

I find it utterly astonishing that he is so clueless you are actually having to move his hips and I would wonder if there’s an element of willfully being rubbish here because even animals know how to have basic sex. To have zero self control at his age and need teaching to that degree is absolutely not normal.

You're aware PE/erectile dysfunction is a medical or psychological issue? He's not choosing to do it!

@TryingToLoveHim I can recommend my sex therapist - PM me if you want contact details. (This is genuine).

This is a very good post. And given how you've described your relationship I find it astonishing you/he haven't been to sex therapy yet. I am a man who was similarly inexperienced at his age, and I suffered PE for a period in my 20s (although not to the extent your partner does). I really can't recommend sex therapy enough - it helped me get to the root of a lot of psychological issues that were contributing to the problem, and now it is no longer an issue for me. And yes, I did the therapy on my own.

PE/ED is often an extremely complex issue, with so many contributing factors from childhood experience, schooling, sexual history, self-esteem, relationship patterns, attachment styles, etc, and it cant just be simplified to 'he's selfish/masturbate more'. It's also not particularly helpful to tell OP to ensure she gets her orgasm(s) as well - while this is obviously the desired outcome the man's reaction to ED/PE is usually a gigantic mood killer, and this is another benefit of psychological help for the problem. Good luck OP - I really wouldn't give up on your marriage just yet (and please, don't suggest an open relationship to him ever again, that's the worst thing you could have done in that situation). In almost all cases PE has a psychological cause, not a physical one, and can therefore can be fixed in theory.

Sex therapy for sure (and possibly drugs for him).

No one will know you are seeing a sex therapist. As someone suggested Relate might be able to suggest someone reputable.

You will both go together and the therapist will give you “homework” each week. At first, and maybe for quite a while, you will probably be told not to try penetrative sex at all, but just various activities to explore each other’s bodies and desires. A good therapist may have some thoughts about pharmaceuticals to help, so I would start with that consultation as viagra so far hasn’t helped.

Good luck! If he is willing to work with you on this it sounds like you have a lovely partner. He may never overcome the PE, but with help and willing and honesty and love I would think you have a good chance of having a fulfilling sex life.

Good luck!

Thank you all so so much for your replies.

Tgid relationship is definitely worth the work and I’m prepared to put the work in as is he. Especially now we have a child.

I agree it is likely a psychological issue and therefore sex therapy will be what we look into as the next step. Thanks again.