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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner's Ex Needing To Be Present

64 replies

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 17:57

I've been seeing someone for nearly 5 months. We both have children from previous relationships, I have two children by my ex and he has three, two with his ex of nine years and one with his ex of six years.
We have taken things slowly, wanting to get to know each other well before being introduced to offspring. We have begun speaking about meeting his older children, but never mentions meeting his youngest daughter.
I have gone with this, as it is not my place to push, but what makes me uncomfortable is, he has been separated from her mum for nearly 18 months and LO is now nearly 4 years olds, but whenever he sees her, his ex is usually always present. He will go to her house to see her, or she will come to his with the LO. I don't recall a time where his ex hasn't been present, except when he took LO to his family party at Easter.
I understand every family dynamic is different, and don't feel it is my place to say I'm not comfortable with him being with his ex during every visit while their daughter just runs around the house. I'm sure there are people who will disagree, but I feel surely the time has come for him to spend time without her there at every visit. He is a very capable dad, and has shared custody of his other children, so there is no safety concerns.
Moving forward, when we speak about things in the future with the children, he always says his youngest probably won't come because of mum not being there, which makes me feel awful the thought of leaving her out. However, I suppose the other alternative is that we take his ex on every holiday or days out. It is making me question our relationship, and if there isn't maybe more going on. I have asked him if they're over it, to which he said yes, but it makes me uneasy and I can't help that. He's laid back and let's his ex basically say what he can and can't do with LO, but I do feel like eventually, I will need to say, 'I'm sorry but this makes me uneasy', and just pray I'm not made out to be some crazy woman. I understand and appreciate there's times they'll spend together, of course I do, but it's the thing with every visit.
Would this make anyone else a little uncomfortable, and if you have been in this situation, how have you handled it?

OP posts:

ArcticSkewer · 06/08/2022 18:03

4 month relationship, not your business what he does on his days with the 3 year old, and how is she going to feel left out if she's only 3?
No need to be trying to blend families after a few months. Why would you?

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:06

If you'd like to read my post again, it states going forward. So your attempt to run me down is wasted. I am a human and entitled to thoughts and feelings. I'm not here to people please, I'm here to seek advice.

OP posts:

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/08/2022 18:10

Maybe the ex needs more time.

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:13

I have thought this also. We all move along differently. I don't expect to meet LO until everyone is happy.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 06/08/2022 18:21

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:13

I have thought this also. We all move along differently. I don't expect to meet LO until everyone is happy.

4 months is nothing . Don't trouble trouble.

ZekeZeke · 06/08/2022 18:22

Just enjoy the here and now and have fun with your (very new less than 5 month) relationship

Ridiculous worrying about future holidays and the ex coming along.
Perhaps she doesn't trust him to be on his own? Who knows!

MrsOvertonsWindow · 06/08/2022 18:23

So this is a relationship that began in April? He's had children with 2 other women? It's been 18 months since he split up with the mother of his 3 year old (so presumably he left when little one was 18 months)?
Really not trying to be harsh but that's a complex set of relationships. Think I'd focus on getting to know each other properly, working out why he's as he is, before introducing any children into your relationship, let alone fretting about why he's not alone with the toddler?

Undecidedandtorn · 06/08/2022 18:24

I'm amazed the ex doesn't see it as a chance to have a break. Tbh it doesn't really impact on you surely? Me and my ex still spend time together with our children- I hope any future partners would be ok with that.

Hopeandlove · 06/08/2022 18:24

Why won’t the mother let him have the child on his own. - this one has red flags all over it

Fireflygal · 06/08/2022 18:24

and just pray I'm not made out to be some crazy woman

It is an unusua arrangement especially since he can't give you a reason I.e child has additional needs so I think you need to trust your instincts. If he suggested you were a crazy woman then dump him immediately. Definitely don't rush this relationship as I think you need to get to know him and his track record should make you more cautious

Greensleeves · 06/08/2022 18:27

The youngest is only three, and has already been through a family break-up, so it's possible she's anxious and very attached to her mum - that's not abnormal, and I would see it as a positive thing that your DP is a committed and responsive enough father to work around her needs rather than just demanding his time with her whether she's ready or not.

I agree with others (and you!) that you haven't been in this relationship nearly long enough to start voicing opinions about how the care of the children is organised. I can understand your wanting to think ahead - but I'm not sure there's much point. Good parents develop their strategies as the child grows and develops, and nobody knows what will be best for this little girl in six months time, or a year, or two years.

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:28

@ZekeZeke I have wondered the latter part of your response also. I hate posting on here, as people always misinterpret things and so on (some just for kicks), but I do wonder if there's a particular reason she seems to want to be with them every time they're together. Makes me a little uneasy, especially as there may be the potential for him to meet my children in the future.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:34

Thank you for your response.

I am coming to the conclusion that I would be better off bowing out of the relationship and letting the three of them continue as they are.

I'm 39 years old, and would like to find a relationship where my feelings and worries are valid at some stage of my life. Never would I expect to come before any child, but I would like to be able to say something makes me a little uncomfortable.

Whilst we aren't rushing, as I have said, we have been basically at the same place since March, and I'd like to feel that at some point, things may move forward.

Just haven't found my right match yet I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:44

@Fireflygal he has shared custody of his other children, who are 17 and 15, and has always been a consistent figure in their lives. He still has them now. I do know that said ex lets him take LO, if it's a party she doesn't want to attend etc. I'm trying not to say too much on that, as I don't want to seem like I'm slating her in any way. LO is extremely attached to mum, and cries for ages should dad have her overnight etc.

To add a note, he is someone I've known a rather long time, so I am familiar with him and know some of his family also.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:47

@Hopeandlove It isn't that she won't. It's just that she usually just likes to be there with them both.

OP posts:

StillHappy · 06/08/2022 18:49

@Mimimama37

I'm sure there are people who will disagree, but I feel surely the time has come for him to spend time without her there at every visit.

I don’t think it’s any of your business really. It’s his child, and their mother, and it’s neither here nor there what his current girlfriend thinks about how he organisés his time with them.

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:50

@StillHappy thank you for your response.

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 06/08/2022 18:50

@Mimimama37, I think you are being very sensible to bow out. At 39 you are right to hold out for a relationship that makes you feel comfortable and works for you. He maybe a nice guy but he is not in a position to move forwards and you deserve more. I dated a man with a small child but decided it wasn't right for me as I was at a different life stage. Slight regret at the time but now I have zero regrets.

cansu · 06/08/2022 18:50

Clearly he knows that his dd is happier around her mum and that they get along well enough to parent her in this way. It is however odd that you feel so threatened by this.

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 18:53

@Fireflygal I'm very grateful for your response, as someone who has been in this position. I have been in long term relationships, where I've swallowed things that have made me sad or uncomfortable for years and years. I'd like to find peace that I too, could be respected at some point. Thank you very much.

OP posts:

Lostmyway86 · 06/08/2022 19:00

As a step-mum of 6 years this would make me uncomfortable. Unless there's safety concerns there are no reasons for the mum to be there. I'm assuming the child's mother doesn't have a new partner? My DSC were only 3 and 5 when I met DH and they adapted fine. Even if your partner thinks it's a bit early to meet the child, he shouldn't have to only see her with mum present. I think he needs a frank conversation with the mother or he's unlikely to get another relationship that will work. If that gets him nowhere, mediation followed by court action (last resort and where my DH ended up). As a parent he has a right to contact with his child without the mother present. Again, this is all assuming no safety concerns.

Lostmyway86 · 06/08/2022 19:03

Just read your recent updates. I think it's very sensible to bow out. Yes your feelings are valid and you deserve to have them recognised. Being a stepmum has been the hardest and worst thing I've ever done (way harder than two small babies in lockdown!) and I wish I'd saved myself a lot of heartache and walked away at the start with all the red flags.

MissMaple82 · 06/08/2022 19:04

Of he's ok with it, then it really has nothing to do with you. If you find it uncomfortable then you need to reconsider wether you carry on with this very very new relationship

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 19:07

@Lostmyway86 thank you so much for this!

There are no safety concerns. She does let him take her, especially if it's a nursery party or something that she doesn't want to attend. She just seems to want to hang around with them twice, maybe three times every week.

There has been times where he has cancelled seeing me, because his ex has decided she's popping round with LO. I am very laid back and easy going, and love that he is as hands on as he can be, but I do feel she is excessive in wanting to be there.

I feel no shame in looking at this relationship as I would like it to go somewhere, I wouldn't be taking time out from my own children if that isn't what I wanted. But it does make me uncomfortable the fact that his ex doesn't seem to want him to expand outside of her particularly, never mind LO.

He too is very laid back, and did used to keep the peace when they were together. I feel like this will continue. I would love to get to know his children eventually, and wouldn't entertain anyone who didn't feel the same about mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mimimama37 · 06/08/2022 19:09

@MissMaple82 I have stated that. Thank you for your response.

OP posts:

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