Partner's Ex Needing To Be Present

[Mimimama37]

I've been seeing someone for nearly 5 months. We both have children from previous relationships, I have two children by my ex and he has three, two with his ex of nine years and one with his ex of six years.
We have taken things slowly, wanting to get to know each other well before being introduced to offspring. We have begun speaking about meeting his older children, but never mentions meeting his youngest daughter.
I have gone with this, as it is not my place to push, but what makes me uncomfortable is, he has been separated from her mum for nearly 18 months and LO is now nearly 4 years olds, but whenever he sees her, his ex is usually always present. He will go to her house to see her, or she will come to his with the LO. I don't recall a time where his ex hasn't been present, except when he took LO to his family party at Easter.
I understand every family dynamic is different, and don't feel it is my place to say I'm not comfortable with him being with his ex during every visit while their daughter just runs around the house. I'm sure there are people who will disagree, but I feel surely the time has come for him to spend time without her there at every visit. He is a very capable dad, and has shared custody of his other children, so there is no safety concerns.
Moving forward, when we speak about things in the future with the children, he always says his youngest probably won't come because of mum not being there, which makes me feel awful the thought of leaving her out. However, I suppose the other alternative is that we take his ex on every holiday or days out. It is making me question our relationship, and if there isn't maybe more going on. I have asked him if they're over it, to which he said yes, but it makes me uneasy and I can't help that. He's laid back and let's his ex basically say what he can and can't do with LO, but I do feel like eventually, I will need to say, 'I'm sorry but this makes me uneasy', and just pray I'm not made out to be some crazy woman. I understand and appreciate there's times they'll spend together, of course I do, but it's the thing with every visit.
Would this make anyone else a little uncomfortable, and if you have been in this situation, how have you handled it?

It's a tricky one, it definitely can't continue and isn't normal. I know a lot of SMs and never heard of this setup. It will only lead to resentment. If you have a chat with him and he addressed it then it could have hope, but tbh sounds like he won't so if I was you I'd look elsewhere!

are the older children from an entirely different relationship?

I would say that the situation here has red flags all over it too. He is still thoroughly enmeshed with his ex and their 3 year old. Even if he were the most incredible man in the universe, it wouldn’t be worth it. He’s clearly not in a place to have a proper relationship with anyone right now.

You are looking for a proper relationship. So I’d say it’s time to throw this one back.

@Lostmyway86 again, thank you so much for that. I'm sorry to hear you have felt this way and been dealt such a hard hand of step parenting. Family life is certainly no fairytale. Thank you again.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters I feel you are right in your post. And yes, older children are from his previous relationship.

I feel perhaps I would make all the emotional sacrifices, and be overlooked in the meantime.

Thank you.

In which case, I’d say that he irrefutably has not sufficiently moved on. They might have separated 18 months ago, but they are still operating like a standard family part-time. That’s fine if that’s what they want to do.

But I would walk away. You will be making all the sacrifices. And being made to feel unreasonable for feeling upset. You’re likely to feel like the OW in very real ways - even though you aren’t.

There are plenty of men who are genuinely single out there.

And, even when they do decide to fully separate and he has an actual contact schedule, my money would be on any SM position in that set up being extremely difficult. This doesn’t sound like the sort of mother who would be easy to deal with as a stepfamily. I might be wrong there - but it doesn’t sound like she’d be comfortable with another woman living PT with her child. Does it?

I agree.
Your worries sound as though they aren’t actually about his (very small) child, but about him spending time with an ex ? Are you suspicious that he wants to get back together with her ? If not then I don’t see the problem. They have a child together who is still very little, too little for forced overnights without her Mum by the sound of it. Lots of children this age are clingy with their mother, and this little girl has also been though her parental relationship breaking down. It is natural, and a very different situation from the one with his older children.
It will no doubt change over time, but it will be a while before his dd is old enough do be a bit more independent. If you can’t cope with that and feel threatened by his ex, if you have constant worries about them reuniting, then maybe this isn’t the set up for you . It is a new relationship, so either step back a bit and understand that children need time to adjust, or work out if your worries are valid and if he really is the right man for you.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters No it doesn't. I do understand letting any other woman or man figure into a family, is frightening and difficult to say the least. But you are absolutely right, if she won't allow him to be a full on dad, what hope has any woman got of accepting and welcoming the child into their unit. Thank you.

What gets me about this is does youngest have any relationship with her older siblings? If she only sees Daddy when Mommy is there, presumably that isn't happening when the older kids are there? So she's restricting the relationship with actual siblings, so seems unlikely she'd be ok with her binding with step kids?

Otherwise not only are they continuing to enact happy families with the toddler but also with the teens. So they have time with Mom, Dad's ex and then come over and Step Mom is there with sibling and then Dad's new gf comes over Inbetween .

Probably time to move on Op

@SirVixofVixHall Yes, I did state that I'm not comfortable in my post.
Yes, I do feel perhaps there may be more to the relationship that is meeting my eye, as I don't know any other separated SM, that wants to spend time with their ex partner three times a week for sometimes 6 hours at a time.
LO was around 20 months old when they separated, so probably doesn't really recall them separating or actually being together. Personally, I feel that LO will never fully adjust to living in two separate households If she is in a situation where mum wants to be with her every time she is with dad, but that is not something I would chip in with as it's not my place to do so.

I have stated that it may be best for me to leave them to it as a unit, as I don't feel it's my place to say anything, but don't like being made to feel uncomfortable with not being able to say how I feel.

I'd be interested to know if there's any SMs out there that think this is OK. OP I wouldn't listen to any non-SMs that tell you you're acting odd or in any way unreasonable. But I just wonder if any SMs would actually have been OK with this in the early days. I know I wouldn't!

Look: it’s absolutely lovely if they want to do all that you describe @SirVixofVixHall. But it does mean that they’re not properly separated and, frankly, any woman would be nuts to get herself embroiled in this.

Its not petty jealousy or failure to understand the child matters. It’s actually having the self esteem and clear boundaries to say this part-relationship offering is not good enough for me and to walk away.

Absolutely no one is advising her to try to stop him doing any of this.

@SleepingStandingUp they have very little time together as siblings.

The last time they seen her was over a month ago, when he text me saying that they were all having lunch together at his, as his ex had come round with LO.

Obviously I said nothing, but I can't say I don't feel a little worried. You're right. Time to call it a day.

@Lostmyway86 I take no notice of comments that condem and only offer criticism. Each entitled to an opinion, but if it's not helpful, I don't take it onboard. Thank you.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters Your point about boundaries, exactly that!

Everyone is entitled to an opinion. I do have enough awareness however, to know when people are pointing a finger, instead of offering guidance.

Every helpful comment is extremely appreciated, and I'm grateful to those for posting.

They may have been seperated for 18 months, but one, or both are hoping for reconciliation to keep the family unit together.

Does she know about you?

@Tiredandfedup22 I feel you are right; I did ask if that was the case but he said no.

As far as I know she is aware someone is seeing him, don't know if she knows who exactly.

But yes, most certainly the vibe I am starting to get.

My sister had the same issue with a fella she was seeing child was much older 8 i think. He use to do overnights. Even tho they were seperated they were not emotionally seperated.
Same story nights getting cancelled etc.
She ran for the hills.
You should too

@Kimbo180 8, wow! No hope of the children adjusting to parents being separated.

Yes you're right. Thank you.

Yes, I wonder if she knows about you.
Also, why did they split up? It doesn't sound like they are antagonistic, so why did they split when their child was so young? Too young really for them to have tried properly to work it out, to weather the difficulties that come with having a baby.
I may be old fashioned, but I would be suspicious of a man who was living apart from the mother of his young child unless something really bad had happened between them .Especially when this is the second time it has happened.

Mainly because of the parents never gave him to chance to tbh.
My sister was like you easy going laid back let them do there thing. But about a year or more into the relationship she just got sick of it and called it a day

@DelphiniumBlue his ex ended the relationship, as she became a SAHM, but resented him for then working so much to make a good income. So argues began, I imagine with the stresses of having a very little one around, and so on, she asked him to leave.

His first partner began an affair not long after they were married.

@Mimimama37 I don’t really have much advice but you’ve been given a lot of crap here when it wasn’t justified. That’s a reflection of the posters, not you (they’re probably disgruntled ex’s whose partners have new girlfriends) You are justified in your feelings and it is a strange situation where the ex is always present. I would stick with it for now and see how things play out after summer and try and bring it up then, in the most democratic way you can so he doesn’t feel you’re attacking his relationship with his ex. If you don’t think you can do that, or don’t want to stick around to see, bow out as you say x

@MumofAlf people love a good moan don't they 😂. They are all entitled to post what they wish on this network however, only themselves that they show up.

Thank you for that take on things, I really appreciate your comment. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who finds it odd. Thank you again.

Does she even know about you? Could she be hoping for a reconciliation? Is he happy to let her think there is? Ego boost? All sorts of reasons...

What does he actually say when you ask him why all meet ups are with the ex? If you don't feel able.to ask him, or you don't get a clear response, it doesn't sound like there is good communication already.