Partner's Ex Needing To Be Present

[Mimimama37]

I've been seeing someone for nearly 5 months. We both have children from previous relationships, I have two children by my ex and he has three, two with his ex of nine years and one with his ex of six years.
We have taken things slowly, wanting to get to know each other well before being introduced to offspring. We have begun speaking about meeting his older children, but never mentions meeting his youngest daughter.
I have gone with this, as it is not my place to push, but what makes me uncomfortable is, he has been separated from her mum for nearly 18 months and LO is now nearly 4 years olds, but whenever he sees her, his ex is usually always present. He will go to her house to see her, or she will come to his with the LO. I don't recall a time where his ex hasn't been present, except when he took LO to his family party at Easter.
I understand every family dynamic is different, and don't feel it is my place to say I'm not comfortable with him being with his ex during every visit while their daughter just runs around the house. I'm sure there are people who will disagree, but I feel surely the time has come for him to spend time without her there at every visit. He is a very capable dad, and has shared custody of his other children, so there is no safety concerns.
Moving forward, when we speak about things in the future with the children, he always says his youngest probably won't come because of mum not being there, which makes me feel awful the thought of leaving her out. However, I suppose the other alternative is that we take his ex on every holiday or days out. It is making me question our relationship, and if there isn't maybe more going on. I have asked him if they're over it, to which he said yes, but it makes me uneasy and I can't help that. He's laid back and let's his ex basically say what he can and can't do with LO, but I do feel like eventually, I will need to say, 'I'm sorry but this makes me uneasy', and just pray I'm not made out to be some crazy woman. I understand and appreciate there's times they'll spend together, of course I do, but it's the thing with every visit.
Would this make anyone else a little uncomfortable, and if you have been in this situation, how have you handled it?

Do you know why his previous relationships ended? obviously the first one is long finished but this one not so sure.

@StarlingsInTheRoof he says LO gets upset without mum. He says she cries and takes a while to settle. I don't repeatedly question it though. Partly because I don't feel it's my place to ask too many questions just yet.

@Fancydancer1934 mum was a stay at home mum and grew resentful of him going out (he was mostly working at the time), so yes, perhaps time has moved on and she or both, are hoping to rekindle.

You keep saying you want to be in a relationship where your feelings matter too, but it doesn't sound like you've actually talked to him about how you feel?

if you want your feelings hear & respected you need to talk to him!

but frankly, he either wants to get back with her or he's a spineless teat who won't say no to her, either way I think you're asking for a LOT of misery if you stay with him.

@WinterMusings I have avoided it so far as I don't want to seem intrusive or pushy. As some have accused me of here. I try to remain respectful of their relationship as parents.

I appreciate your utter honesty. Thank you.

Well, they've hardly given her much of a chance to settle with her Dad have they. She needs the consistency of being alone with her Dad to feel secure & safe, if they fly mummy in everytine she simpers then she won't learn to trust that Daddy can look after her just as well as mummy & that mummy will be at home when she goes back. I mean she copes just fine when it's an event mummy can't be arsed to go to.

but if he's too lazy to want to develop a relationship with his daughter, I wouldn't hang around.

this one screams to be thrown back in the pond!!

@WinterMusings I couldn't agree with you more!

And yes you're right, I think I've come to that conclusion with the help of the lovely posters on here this evening. Thank you.

A few options:

1 he's using you both as convenient f*CK buddies

2 one or both of them are hoping for a reconciliation

3 he's just not ready to move on

4 he's a lazy dad

5 everything hes told you is a lie and they are a couple bit living separately so she can claim UC as a single parent

None of this is worth it imo.

I am coming to the conclusion that I would be better off bowing out of the relationship and letting the three of them continue as they are.

I think if they wanted to be together they’d be together.
They’re adults and share a child, there’s literally nothing stopping them from being together if they want to.

I get that you don’t want to waste your time but honestly I think you’re overthinking things.

It’s great you’ve been raking things slow and I think you should continue to do so.

I wouldn’t make any plans to meet each other’s kids right now as I think you need time to decide how you feel first and I think that will come in time.

You say he shares custody of his other children.
So I assume that means they have different mothers?

Do the older ones ever get to see the younger one?

I think this is actually a good point. And advice I’d go back in time and give myself. Then I wouldn’t have found myself rushing back to my mum’s to get out of a dreadful situation with a husband who was not merely unsupportive but actively hostile (largely because he cannot cope if he’s not the centre of attention and has a huge sense of entitlement). With hindsight, I don’t believe he’s ever been a helpful co-parent to anyone.

Adjusting to a newborn is hard. The first couple of years are really tough on a relationship. Two women ending the relationship with him with very young children is interesting.

The fact it happened over a decade apart might mean the pattern is coincidental though - or that he has never learned to be a present and supportive husband/partner when it really counts. Tbh, the account he’s given you of what happened with this ex wouldn’t fill me with confidence. Especially when it’s combined with the fact that his ex has care of the 3 year old 100% of the time and he very rarely even sees the child alone. The extra information suggests it may not entirely be her being controlling or trying to get him back - it might be how she’s keeping him involved with a young child (who will be much harder work than two late teens, and less ‘fun’ for a not entirely enthusiastic father).

Lots of reasons to just move on.

I would call it a day.

They clearly have unfinished business of some sort.

You might be considering this very new relationship as a future, but they are clearly still coming to the realisation of what separating actually is (i.e. very difficult with small children and lots of emotions involved).

Save yourself the bother and tap out.

If you are uncomfortable with the ex being there, then that is your problem because it means your relationship is not solid. If it is solid, nothing can unglue you from your partner.

Your partner has divorced /separated himself from his ex.
However, he did not divorce himself from being the other parent.
They are still a family, because they are his child's family. You cannot make that invisible.

They have a child and their lives will be intertwined forever. There is no changing that.

Who says that a child must spend time only with parent at a time. Have you ever thought from the perspective of a young child who sees other children with both parents .

Why would you deny a young child the time to create memories that involve both parents in her lives ? To send the message to her that she also has a mum and dad, and that they both love her.

And at the end of the day, if your ex does have feelings for the child's mum, and they do get back together again to build a future. How is that a bad thing for the child ? May be when they spend time together, they realize what they lost or that they want to be a family again.

Or he could want to be with you and have a future. That your partner can spend time with his ex and his child shows he is not bitter. But have you thought may be he wants the ex to be around ? The kid is 3 and will be more attached to the mother , toilet time, food etc.

At the end of the day, the child is lucky to be able to create memories with both parents. It is something you have to deal with and you have no say in it. A child is entitled to spend time with both parents. You are not part of their family.

May be this is your ex and his partner's routine for 18 months to spend time together with the child. You've only known him 5 months. It is a difficult situation to be in but as you know, you always come 2nd if there is n existing child involved. So take your time and think what it is you want and if you demand the ex not being there, how might he feel.