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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I really that weird?

55 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 05/08/2022 23:02

Row with DH tonight. Currently in couples counselling due to lots of issues. This came up today and caused a row when we got home. My head is spinning. Its such a silly thing.

Basically DH gets up very early 7 days a week. Think 5/6am very latest. Even at weekends, when he doesnt have to. His work has always dictated his wake up time, he says his body clock is set and he cant change it. Fair enough no one wants to lay in bed wide awake.

Due to these early starts, he is in bed by 8pm most weeknights. Weekends maybe 9pm but that extra hour is only because he has a nap in the afternoons, sometimes 2/3 hours. When the kids were young this bothered me. Id be alone every evening, 7 nights a week and wake up alone 7 mornings a week. Also dealing with them alone all the time and trying to keep them quiet when he had a daytime nap.

Now the kids are older i dont really care but he is constantly on my case about MY sleeping habits. How i am not normal. How it is me with the problem.

Maybe it is. During the week, i get up at 8 for the school runs. Awake all day, no naps (!) and go to bed late, say 11pm to midnight. Always have been a night owl. I like the alone time too. Weekend mornings i will rot! I will sleep in as long as i can get away with usually getting up around 11am to make food and start the household/family. Kids are teens now so can grab cereal etc while waiting for me, they dont starve!

DH says this is weird. That i should get up with him at the crack of dawn. I hate early mornings!!!

Its a constant issue. He will always say "dont stay up too late " as he trots off to bed or will be deliberately loud in the mornings to wake me up.

I let him get on with his sleep patterns, why am i being made to feel so guilty for mine??

Am i wrong? Is he?

OP posts:
mycatisannoying · 05/08/2022 23:08

I am a night owl, ex husband wasn't.
Note the word ex Grin
Flippancy aside, I think it's hard when a couple's sleep schedules don't coincide. it didn't end well in my experience
Do you work? I wouldn't be able to sleep until 11, and I love my kip. Work has got me out of the way of lie-ins.
In conclusion, I don't think either of you are massively unreasonable, but being kind to each other and not harping on is key here.

Topgub · 05/08/2022 23:09

Its him

Sleeping for 2 to 3 hours a day as an adult and going to bed at 8 is not normal

Mistystar99 · 05/08/2022 23:09

He's weird, not you.

SpacePotato · 05/08/2022 23:12

I'm like you but I don't get the weekend lie ins😭

He can get up early all he wants but he's being an arse deliberately being loud to wake you.

goldfinchonthelawn · 05/08/2022 23:13

He is seriously weird. DH is a night owl - often not in bed before 1am. I am (usually) not and am asleep by 10pm, up at 5.30, like your DH. We have never had rows about this. We both agree it can be tricky sometimes, but generally we both enjoy that quiet house-to-myself time we get - him at night and me in the morning. There's no right or wrong about it, it's just different wiring./ Your DH is BVU to judge you simply for being different from him in your sleep cycles!

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/08/2022 23:15

What's weird is to not grasp the concept that another person might not want to mirror your rather fixed habits and that there is a whole bunch of 'normals'. If a person is getting enough sleep they don't have a problem. If the two sleep habits are causing a bit of a 'ships in the night' situation it isn't all down to one half of the duo to make all the changes.

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 05/08/2022 23:18

I'm very much live and let live but he wants me to be just like him. When i asked him why he just said he wants to "be with me'. I find it suffocating but when he puts it like that I'm just made to feel really bad.

I do work yeah, from home though and it is not particularly demanding!

OP posts:
Comedycook · 05/08/2022 23:19

It's very weird for an adult to routinely go to bed at 8pm and nap for 2-3 hours..unless they work very odd hours.

Your sleeping pattern sounds pretty standard.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2022 23:19

Currently in couples counselling due to lots of issues.

That's definitely clear. You are not suited for each other, on so many levels. What, exactly, are you trying to save here?

Retirement would be an absolute nightmare with this man. You will drive each other insane.

Christin3 · 05/08/2022 23:24

During the week, i get up at 8 for the school runs. Awake all day, no naps (!) and go to bed late, say 11pm to midnight.

This is my exact schedule and I would say this is very typical.

I'd say bed between 10- midnight and then wake maybe 7-8 would be typical. ESP for people working a 9/5 job or a SAHM.

Going to bed at 8pm is fine as a one off, if I'll, pregnant, small kids, upset etc.

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 05/08/2022 23:24

He has an ace up his sleeve too in that, shock horror, i smoke. Never ever in the house, ever. So, in the evening when i want to relax and scroll the internet or read i tend to come outside to the little outhouse we have in the garden. Its nice. I can drink my tea and enjoy my alone time and yes smoke my cigarettes.

This is used to constantly batter me. Im not just "sitting up late' im sitting up late SMOKING. I feel i have no defence when he does this. He makes me feel such shame. Obviously i understand cigarettes are bad for me, but that is my choice surely and it doesnt define me!

So i am made to feel like a junkie or something, sitting up late etc. But its not like that! I never drop the ball at home or work, lots of responsibility, kids not late for school, everything is normal and fine so why cant i stay up late! And sleep in on a weekend?

OP posts:
Topgub · 05/08/2022 23:25

He doesn't want to be with you enough to not go for a 3 hour nap or to stay up though.

Its got fuck all to do with wanting to be with you

Christin3 · 05/08/2022 23:32

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 05/08/2022 23:24

He has an ace up his sleeve too in that, shock horror, i smoke. Never ever in the house, ever. So, in the evening when i want to relax and scroll the internet or read i tend to come outside to the little outhouse we have in the garden. Its nice. I can drink my tea and enjoy my alone time and yes smoke my cigarettes.

This is used to constantly batter me. Im not just "sitting up late' im sitting up late SMOKING. I feel i have no defence when he does this. He makes me feel such shame. Obviously i understand cigarettes are bad for me, but that is my choice surely and it doesnt define me!

So i am made to feel like a junkie or something, sitting up late etc. But its not like that! I never drop the ball at home or work, lots of responsibility, kids not late for school, everything is normal and fine so why cant i stay up late! And sleep in on a weekend?

Did you smoke when you guys got together?

Is he one of those people who thinks getting up at 5am is some form of virtue and everyone else is being lazy staying in bed until 8?

rainbowandglitter · 05/08/2022 23:35

I actually think both your sleep patterns are unusual. Getting up at 5/6am surely does not need an 8pm bedtime (plus naps). That's 9/10 hours without naps. Does he do a very manual job?
I also couldn't lay in until 11am like you do and I go to bed late.
I think you're both getting a large amount of sleep but at different times.

ThanksAntsThants · 05/08/2022 23:37

He sounds like he’d be fun at a party.

your sleeping habits sound relatively normal. His on the other hand sound rather odd. Who as an adult needs that much sleep? if I slept that much I’d feel like shit.

jetadore · 05/08/2022 23:37

Your sleep pattern is more normal than his I’d say. I’m a night owl and dh is an early bird, neither of us has ever expected the other to fit with their way of doing things.

Rowthatboat · 05/08/2022 23:40

He's the weird one. I have a friend who gets up at 5am every day for no reason. When she wants her husband to get up early too she makes him fresh coffee and good quality bacon sandwiches. She says the cooking smell tempts him out of bed. Maybe your husband could try that instead of nagging unpleasantly if he wants to spend more time with you?

It's still too early to be a regular thing though - surely if he stayed up until 10pm he'd be able to stay in bed longer in the morning? Can he have a coffee at 7pm each day for a few weeks and see if he can form a more normal sleep pattern? It's a jerk move to head off to bed at 8/9pm and tell you not to stay up too late.

Opentooffers · 05/08/2022 23:44

You are fine as you are, he is fine as he is, but needs to accept that there is no right and wrong, you are sleeping when your body and mind want to, it's just that you are different, and maybe that's the crux of why you're in counselling. TBH, I veer towards the night owl side, not a morning person at all, but get up for shifts regularly at 6.30 - still only in bed for midnight usually. I think it's what you like doing with your time that dictates what you do. I'd find someone going to bed before 11 quite dull as that is leisure time to me - going out, watching gigs etc. (Do you never have evenings out?). If you're a morning person, you might get enthused by what morning people do - I don't know, probably house cleaning or food shopping while it's quiet (neither of which are top of my list to enjoy tbh). I think people at opposite ends of a sleep pattern, basically enjoy doing different things, so fundamentally, probably are not that compatible.

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 05/08/2022 23:46

Reassuring, thank you.

Even if he stayed up late, he still gets up crazy early. 7am is a lie in for him and it happens once in a blue moon.

He doesnt do anything useful to us in that early morning time though. He gets a coffee, walks the dogs then works for a few hours until i wake up to feed everyone and open the house up etc.

OP posts:
TaffyToffee · 05/08/2022 23:47

rainbowandglitter · 05/08/2022 23:35

I actually think both your sleep patterns are unusual. Getting up at 5/6am surely does not need an 8pm bedtime (plus naps). That's 9/10 hours without naps. Does he do a very manual job?
I also couldn't lay in until 11am like you do and I go to bed late.
I think you're both getting a large amount of sleep but at different times.

I also think you’re both unusual - but that doesn’t help I realise.

It just doesn’t sound like you’re compatible.

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 05/08/2022 23:48

Note... he doesn't HAVE to work at weekends, he owns the company. All purely his choice to do this. He works or talks about work 24/7.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 05/08/2022 23:51

Come to think of it, if bars and music and gigs were open only in the morning, I'd perhaps become a morning person. However the longest lie in I've had since last Saturday was 7.30 - out of necessity, had to be up, so I did it. Now I've got the weekend off, no alarm ( might sleep till 10 if I'm lucky tomorrow).

Deadringer · 05/08/2022 23:54

He has the sleep pattern of a toddler. That would drive me nuts.

Cw122 · 05/08/2022 23:54

He actually has the same sleep pattern as my DH. He has a very stressful busy and often manual job so he is up before 6 every morning then would have a quick nap after work and then go back to bed for the night around 9/9.30. I'm more like you night owl who loves a lie in. But we just accept that it's due to different working patterns and we make a point to get quality time together at the weekends when he works less hours.

Pqpqpqpq · 05/08/2022 23:58

He's the weirdo not you and seemingly trying to control your sleeping hours and whether you smoke. Can understand sticking to the same hours as better for your body clock but ffs he shouldn't push his ideas onto you. Gaslighting you so that you think you're in the wrong! My dh tried that as he is an early riser whereas I'm a night owl. When we first met he stayed up late. Separate beds soon sorted that one out. Put that in your pipe and smoke it I say! (Pun intended)