Am I really that weird?

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Row with DH tonight. Currently in couples counselling due to lots of issues. This came up today and caused a row when we got home. My head is spinning. Its such a silly thing.

Basically DH gets up very early 7 days a week. Think 5/6am very latest. Even at weekends, when he doesnt have to. His work has always dictated his wake up time, he says his body clock is set and he cant change it. Fair enough no one wants to lay in bed wide awake.

Due to these early starts, he is in bed by 8pm most weeknights. Weekends maybe 9pm but that extra hour is only because he has a nap in the afternoons, sometimes 2/3 hours. When the kids were young this bothered me. Id be alone every evening, 7 nights a week and wake up alone 7 mornings a week. Also dealing with them alone all the time and trying to keep them quiet when he had a daytime nap.

Now the kids are older i dont really care but he is constantly on my case about MY sleeping habits. How i am not normal. How it is me with the problem.

Maybe it is. During the week, i get up at 8 for the school runs. Awake all day, no naps (!) and go to bed late, say 11pm to midnight. Always have been a night owl. I like the alone time too. Weekend mornings i will rot! I will sleep in as long as i can get away with usually getting up around 11am to make food and start the household/family. Kids are teens now so can grab cereal etc while waiting for me, they dont starve!

DH says this is weird. That i should get up with him at the crack of dawn. I hate early mornings!!!

Its a constant issue. He will always say "dont stay up too late " as he trots off to bed or will be deliberately loud in the mornings to wake me up.

I let him get on with his sleep patterns, why am i being made to feel so guilty for mine??

Am i wrong? Is he?

He sounds dull, if you love work a bit too much, you probably don't seek out other experiences. I'd be bored by him. I'd be also unimpressed if he does nothing useful around the house so it's left to you when you get up. If your DC are independent, you should be out in the evenings on dates, at least once a week, that's how to connect.

I think everyone has their own personal sleep window. If you don’t synch then it’s not necessarily the end if you’re both willing to compromise. If one person is insisting theirs is the right and only way then it’s not good. No one should feel dictated to in a relationship.

Your sleep pattern is more normal to me than his. I don't think you are weird at all. I don't think his sleeping pattern is abnormal though, he's up early for work, and he'll be tired and waking up early at the weekends is dictated by his body clock and sleeping pattern, however, his attitude to your sleeping pattern is weird. We are all different. My DP's sleeping pattern is similar to yours, and if he was being noisy at the weekend, in an attempt to wake me up, I'd be down the stairs and he'd get a right telling off, before storming back off to my lovely bed 😁

I hate it when morning people are sanctimonious about evening people. It's common sense to understand that for a large part of humans development having some of the tribe alert in the morning and some of the tribe alert in the evening was far safer than having everyone alert at the same time. Yet some morning people act like they are morally superior because they get up early. Its such a baffling thing to be superior about.

The smoking thing isn't an ace up his sleeve at all, it's another instance of him being judgemental and on the attack. It doesn't make you bad or unlikable.

I think your sleep patterns are normal and your partner's aren't.

I need much less sleep than DP and he usually lies in when I don't but I don't begrudge it. I mean, I'm not saying I've never crashed around the room in a strop to deliberately disturb him, but definitely not since the kids were tiny (and I was doing constant night feeds combined with early toddler breakfast & playtime after a week home alone.)

People do have different sleep patterns and needs. Agree with pp that morning people tend to be more smug and conflate it with superiority. I definitely feel more snug on the days i get up early

I had an ex like this,always up at 5am,fell asleep in front of the TV about 7pm,then was in bed about 9pm.I was a Nurse and worked nights,I have always been a night owl.

He was forever passing comments about how late I got up,I got rid of him.He was also very boring,think it went with his sleep pattern.

Luckily I was not married to this man,I was widowed and when my husband was alive we both respected each other’s sleeping habits.How it should be.

So no you are not weird.

Neither of you are weird, You have different body clocks that are unfortunately somewhat incompatible. I don't know what the solution is but I know it's not telling each other to change.
I hate it when people have daytime naps, it seems such a waste of the day!

He's a wanker

you’re both individuals with different sleep patterns. I agree the difference will continue to grow into a bigger problem as you age/enter retirement.
i don’t get the impression you respect each other.

I get up for work at 5.30am but I go to bed around 10 during the week. At the weekend I get up a bit later and go to bed later. I definitely don’t nap - that’s odd.

He's being selfish and controlling.

You are opposite ends you're a night owl and he's a morning lark - this are inherent things and you can no more change than him.

The whinging at you, deliberately try to wake you is arsehole behaviour. He gets more sleep than you it seems too. Somehow all the house duties bar the dog are yours?

Do you really want to remain married to him if he is refusing to compromise on anything?

I couldn't be with a smoker but me being a non-smoker doesn't make be a better person in the "right".

I disagree with you saying he doesn't do anything useful. Working, waling the dog are useful.

He is trying to control you using coercion. I wonder what your therapist has/will have to say about him trying to shame you into doing what he wants?

His nagging, guilt-tripping, and disturbing you when you're asleep is problem behaviour standing in the way of finding compromises that make you both more comfortable. It sounds like a campaign to get you to do things his way. If adjusting your sleeping patterns to be more in sync doesn't work for either of you, it's time to agree to live with them as well as you both can.

I realise we're only hearing your perspective, but if there are things he needs you to change - perhaps you wake him up coming to bed late, or he dislikes the smell of smoke on you - he doesn't seem to be clear enough about them. Have you tried talking about this behaviour specifically in your counseling sessions? Having someone neutral say "everybody's reasonable, just different" and lead you both through brainstorming ways to compromise and identify and fix specific "pain points" could help.

If he wants to spend more time with you, would it help to set aside blocks of scheduled time you'll spend together doing something specific, even if it's just watching a film/television together at home, making dinner together, or going on a weekend hike? (I'd rather have one hour of intense interaction with my partner than an evening of sitting in the same room doing different things, but some people do like just "being together"; the two of you may just have different needs and preferences here too.)

It isn't fair to say either of your sleep patterns are 'weird'. His is very unusual (he is getting a LOT of sleep, but then some people need more). Yours is more 'normal' although I don't know anyone (other than teens) who stay in bed beyond about 9am on a day off, and a normal working day 'get up' is more like 6/6.30. But that's beside the point - you manage your life on that routine and it works for you. You get everythng done, you get the sleep you need. All good.

What isn't OK is him calling you weird, and thinking you should change your habits to fit in with his, and guilt-tripping you. If he wants to use the word 'weird', his sleep patters are more weird than yours! Most people could go to bed at 10 and be up at 5 or 6 I think.

Neither of you are right/wrong here. One of you (him) is a lark, you are an owl. Neither of you will be able to change that, it's just how you are, biologically.

I am a lark, my DP is an owl. We do however, overlap in the evenings as although I am usually up at 6-6.30 a.m., I don't go to bed super early. I tend to nap in the afternoon. However, we don't have kids.

There's really no point in the blame game, here - more tolerance is needed. However if you really cannot have enough 'we' time as a result, then maybe you are not compatible enough to stay together, but you both need to have a frank and honest discussion about what you need from the relationship.

This

he lost any sympathy from me when you said he tries to wake you.

also, any adult needing 12 hours sleep a day needs to go and see a doctor on my opinion.

That’s him not you op who needs to see a doctor.

You're not weird at all op.

Neither of you are! What I do find weird is that he thinks you are weird because you don't have the same sleeping habits as him.

If my dh woke me up just because he was up, he'd be an ex dp! Would he be happy if you woke him up from his afternoon nap, or disturbed his sleep on an evening because you were awake?

Christ I'm up at 6am everyday. My body clocks stuck that way after all these years of early mornings with the kids/work. I enjoy that couple of hours quiet before the school run etc. I'm in bed weekdays at 9pm but I do stay up later at weekends to watch a movie or whatever with dh. Dh is a terrible sleep and comes up about 1am. He says he enjoys a few hours after the teens hit the sack to wind down, smoke his vape, play his PlayStation. There's nothing wired about it at all. Works for us as we both get some wind down time in between working and parenting.

Your dh is being picky imo

you are an owl

I don't think she necessarily is. Going to bed between 11-12 is a fairly standard time for an adult.

He sleeps far more than most adults, and it’s really unusual to go to bed so early. Maybe he should start smoking - it might keep him awake in the evenings.

You sound like the normal one OP. Mornings suck. Especially in winter, it's not natural to wake before it is light! I wouldn't class going to bed at 11pm/ midnight as being a night owl really, that's a normal bedtime. Weekend lie ins are amazing so of course you indulge in that when you can!

If he is wired to get up at the crack of dawn then that's up to him, but to moan at you that you don't want to when it's not necessary is really weird.

Also going to bed at 8pm, as an adult?! Unless you're getting up at 3am to catch a flight or something that is not normal at all. My young children won't even go to sleep that early!