Am I really that weird?

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Row with DH tonight. Currently in couples counselling due to lots of issues. This came up today and caused a row when we got home. My head is spinning. Its such a silly thing.

Basically DH gets up very early 7 days a week. Think 5/6am very latest. Even at weekends, when he doesnt have to. His work has always dictated his wake up time, he says his body clock is set and he cant change it. Fair enough no one wants to lay in bed wide awake.

Due to these early starts, he is in bed by 8pm most weeknights. Weekends maybe 9pm but that extra hour is only because he has a nap in the afternoons, sometimes 2/3 hours. When the kids were young this bothered me. Id be alone every evening, 7 nights a week and wake up alone 7 mornings a week. Also dealing with them alone all the time and trying to keep them quiet when he had a daytime nap.

Now the kids are older i dont really care but he is constantly on my case about MY sleeping habits. How i am not normal. How it is me with the problem.

Maybe it is. During the week, i get up at 8 for the school runs. Awake all day, no naps (!) and go to bed late, say 11pm to midnight. Always have been a night owl. I like the alone time too. Weekend mornings i will rot! I will sleep in as long as i can get away with usually getting up around 11am to make food and start the household/family. Kids are teens now so can grab cereal etc while waiting for me, they dont starve!

DH says this is weird. That i should get up with him at the crack of dawn. I hate early mornings!!!

Its a constant issue. He will always say "dont stay up too late " as he trots off to bed or will be deliberately loud in the mornings to wake me up.

I let him get on with his sleep patterns, why am i being made to feel so guilty for mine??

Am i wrong? Is he?

[billy1966]

@RandomMess

He's being selfish and controlling.

You are opposite ends you're a night owl and he's a morning lark - this are inherent things and you can no more change than him.

The whinging at you, deliberately try to wake you is arsehole behaviour. He gets more sleep than you it seems too. Somehow all the house duties bar the dog are yours?

Do you really want to remain married to him if he is refusing to compromise on anything?

I couldn't be with a smoker but me being a non-smoker doesn't make be a better person in the "right".

This.

He sounds so awful and selfish.

He works or sleeps and has used sleep to avoid family life.

Did he do ANYTHING for his children growing up?

Napping for hours and you trying to keep your children quiet.

I think you have been in an abusive relationship.

Smoking isn't great but no judgement here as it is your comfort and crutch for living with a nasty selfish prick.

Is this really what you want life?

[GreyCarpet]

Neither of you are 'weird' you just have different sleep patterns.

My natural pattern, is wake around 5am, sleep between 3-5pm, go to bed sometime between 9-11pm.

I obviously can't do this when I'm working but I have a nap every day when I get in from work - between around 5 and 7. I can't function otherwise. And then go to bed between around 9 and 11pm.

If I go to bed at 2am, I still wake around 5 or 6 am but then I'll need a mid morning nap too.

[SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain]

He is an early morning cunt.

[Summerhasbeenandgone]

Christ in a bike it's no wonder you smoke op!
Ltb.

[Mossstitch]

My ex did exactly the same and I bet you, like I, are very careful/quiet going to bed so as not to disturb him! Unfortunately the same consideration not given back as he crashed around early in the morning trying to wake me (no young children by this stage I hasten to say all grown up/teenagers) but I was shattered from working full time and needed to catch up at weekends. I've always had this pattern of sleep after midnight, no matter how tired I can't sleep early or nap, he did both...... How I'll never know but boy is it good having a double bed to myself and sleep when I want😁try it, I'm sure it will suit you better😂💐

[TurquoisePterodactyl]

Also going to bed at 8pm, as an adult?! Unless you're getting up at 3am to catch a flight or something that is not normal at all. My young children won't even go to sleep that early!

[TurquoisePterodactyl]

You sound like the normal one OP. Mornings suck. Especially in winter, it's not natural to wake before it is light! I wouldn't class going to bed at 11pm/ midnight as being a night owl really, that's a normal bedtime. Weekend lie ins are amazing so of course you indulge in that when you can!

If he is wired to get up at the crack of dawn then that's up to him, but to moan at you that you don't want to when it's not necessary is really weird.

[RiojaRose]

He sleeps far more than most adults, and it’s really unusual to go to bed so early. Maybe he should start smoking - it might keep him awake in the evenings.

[Comedycook]

you are an owl

I don't think she necessarily is. Going to bed between 11-12 is a fairly standard time for an adult.

[forlornlorna1]

Christ I'm up at 6am everyday. My body clocks stuck that way after all these years of early mornings with the kids/work. I enjoy that couple of hours quiet before the school run etc. I'm in bed weekdays at 9pm but I do stay up later at weekends to watch a movie or whatever with dh. Dh is a terrible sleep and comes up about 1am. He says he enjoys a few hours after the teens hit the sack to wind down, smoke his vape, play his PlayStation. There's nothing wired about it at all. Works for us as we both get some wind down time in between working and parenting.

Your dh is being picky imo

[TooHotToTangoToo]

You're not weird at all op.

Neither of you are! What I do find weird is that he thinks you are weird because you don't have the same sleeping habits as him.

If my dh woke me up just because he was up, he'd be an ex dp! Would he be happy if you woke him up from his afternoon nap, or disturbed his sleep on an evening because you were awake?

[BitOutOfPractice]

That’s him not you op who needs to see a doctor.

[BitOutOfPractice]

he lost any sympathy from me when you said he tries to wake you.

also, any adult needing 12 hours sleep a day needs to go and see a doctor on my opinion.

[EmmaH2022]

@GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok

He's a wanker

This

[CrunchyCarrot]

Neither of you are right/wrong here. One of you (him) is a lark, you are an owl. Neither of you will be able to change that, it's just how you are, biologically.

I am a lark, my DP is an owl. We do however, overlap in the evenings as although I am usually up at 6-6.30 a.m., I don't go to bed super early. I tend to nap in the afternoon. However, we don't have kids.

There's really no point in the blame game, here - more tolerance is needed. However if you really cannot have enough 'we' time as a result, then maybe you are not compatible enough to stay together, but you both need to have a frank and honest discussion about what you need from the relationship.

[layladomino]

It isn't fair to say either of your sleep patterns are 'weird'. His is very unusual (he is getting a LOT of sleep, but then some people need more). Yours is more 'normal' although I don't know anyone (other than teens) who stay in bed beyond about 9am on a day off, and a normal working day 'get up' is more like 6/6.30. But that's beside the point - you manage your life on that routine and it works for you. You get everythng done, you get the sleep you need. All good.

What isn't OK is him calling you weird, and thinking you should change your habits to fit in with his, and guilt-tripping you. If he wants to use the word 'weird', his sleep patters are more weird than yours! Most people could go to bed at 10 and be up at 5 or 6 I think.

[Paslaptis]

His nagging, guilt-tripping, and disturbing you when you're asleep is problem behaviour standing in the way of finding compromises that make you both more comfortable. It sounds like a campaign to get you to do things his way. If adjusting your sleeping patterns to be more in sync doesn't work for either of you, it's time to agree to live with them as well as you both can.

I realise we're only hearing your perspective, but if there are things he needs you to change - perhaps you wake him up coming to bed late, or he dislikes the smell of smoke on you - he doesn't seem to be clear enough about them. Have you tried talking about this behaviour specifically in your counseling sessions? Having someone neutral say "everybody's reasonable, just different" and lead you both through brainstorming ways to compromise and identify and fix specific "pain points" could help.

If he wants to spend more time with you, would it help to set aside blocks of scheduled time you'll spend together doing something specific, even if it's just watching a film/television together at home, making dinner together, or going on a weekend hike? (I'd rather have one hour of intense interaction with my partner than an evening of sitting in the same room doing different things, but some people do like just "being together"; the two of you may just have different needs and preferences here too.)

[Strugglingtodomybest]

He is trying to control you using coercion. I wonder what your therapist has/will have to say about him trying to shame you into doing what he wants?

[Hobele]

@Mamato3boysand2dogs

Reassuring, thank you.

Even if he stayed up late, he still gets up crazy early. 7am is a lie in for him and it happens once in a blue moon.

He doesnt do anything useful to us in that early morning time though. He gets a coffee, walks the dogs then works for a few hours until i wake up to feed everyone and open the house up etc.

I disagree with you saying he doesn't do anything useful. Working, waling the dog are useful.

[RandomMess]

He's being selfish and controlling.

You are opposite ends you're a night owl and he's a morning lark - this are inherent things and you can no more change than him.

The whinging at you, deliberately try to wake you is arsehole behaviour. He gets more sleep than you it seems too. Somehow all the house duties bar the dog are yours?

Do you really want to remain married to him if he is refusing to compromise on anything?

I couldn't be with a smoker but me being a non-smoker doesn't make be a better person in the "right".

[Snowraingain]

I get up for work at 5.30am but I go to bed around 10 during the week. At the weekend I get up a bit later and go to bed later. I definitely don’t nap - that’s odd.

[fallfallfall]

you’re both individuals with different sleep patterns. I agree the difference will continue to grow into a bigger problem as you age/enter retirement.
i don’t get the impression you respect each other.

[GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok]

He's a wanker

[Twillow]

Neither of you are weird, You have different body clocks that are unfortunately somewhat incompatible. I don't know what the solution is but I know it's not telling each other to change.
I hate it when people have daytime naps, it seems such a waste of the day!

[Ladywiddio]

I had an ex like this,always up at 5am,fell asleep in front of the TV about 7pm,then was in bed about 9pm.I was a Nurse and worked nights,I have always been a night owl.

He was forever passing comments about how late I got up,I got rid of him.He was also very boring,think it went with his sleep pattern.

Luckily I was not married to this man,I was widowed and when my husband was alive we both respected each other’s sleeping habits.How it should be.

So no you are not weird.