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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and family holiday

123 replies

Jane798 · 05/08/2022 21:22

Hi all, I posted on here back in January about a holiday abroad and how my husband didn't want to go with my family. I really did want to go so I booked to go with my 2 children and we go in 10 days. Things with my husband haven't been the same since and he uses every opertunity to 'get one back' on me! I feel like it's really driven a massive wedge between us and I am not sure if things will ever get back to normal.
Would anyone on else here even think about doing a holiday with their family without their spouse or am I in a toxic relationship. X

OP posts:
Namenic · 08/08/2022 08:06

I have planned and been on holidays with ILs - including one without DH.

TheTeenageYears · 08/08/2022 08:15

In the 5 day period if you weren't going away how much time would DH actually spend with the DC? There is absolutely nothing wrong with him deciding he doesn't want to go away with your extended family but also nothing wrong with you and the DC still going, especially as it's not even as though it's financially disadvantaging your family of 4.

ThePomegranateClause · 08/08/2022 08:19

I've booked and paid for a family holiday next year to celebrate my 60th. Both of my children, their partners and my grandchildren are coming. There's a very slim chance my son in law might need to back out due to work. I can't imagine in a million years he would then have a strop about my daughter and the children coming without him, because he's not an arsehole. He wouldn't want them to miss out.

Your husband is entitled to hate extended family holidays, he's entitled to decide he won't go on any, he's not entitled to make that decision for all of you.

I hope you have a lovely holiday, while he's home sucking lemons, the twat.

Original poster
Jane798 · 08/08/2022 08:32

TheTeenageYears · 08/08/2022 08:15

In the 5 day period if you weren't going away how much time would DH actually spend with the DC? There is absolutely nothing wrong with him deciding he doesn't want to go away with your extended family but also nothing wrong with you and the DC still going, especially as it's not even as though it's financially disadvantaging your family of 4.

He is at work 3 of the days we are away and then would be at football without us on the Saturday so honestly not missing much time anyway. He has said in passing that he is saving some of his annual leave days to potentially go to the world Cup in Qatar!!! Which would obviously be without me and the kids.
Not really speaking to him this morning. I am worried he will make some plans for the kids without telling me.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 08/08/2022 08:37

Well if he keeps this up, he'll see a hell of a lot less of his children because he'll be away from them at least 50% of the time. If he were genuinely sad about being awsy from them for 5 days and expressed it in a wistful - I'll miss ye so much - sort of way it wouldn't be too bad. I mean a bit pathetic and possibly passive aggressive but this crap? Another thing entirely.

Namenic · 08/08/2022 09:49

He sounds awful and selfish OP. Why does he think him going to football is ok but not this? I hope you manage to block out his negativity and have a lovely holiday with your kids and family.

DeadbeatYoda · 08/08/2022 16:20

His tactics are pretty unpleasant OP, it sounds like this is his usual MO too so perhaps some time apart to reflect might do you good.
I'm not saying LTB but you are not 'his' to manipulate and coerce as he pleases, nor are the DC. His attitudes are really unhealthy and definitely yell 'ted flags' to me.

theonlygirl · 08/08/2022 16:59

No problem DH doesn't want to go.
No problem you and kids going, especially as it's a special birthday for your mum and it's not depriving him of a holiday.
Massive problem him being a dick about it.

Holly60 · 08/08/2022 17:04

mindutopia · 05/08/2022 22:09

Dh and I often go on holidays alone with the dc without the other. We enjoy that time with them and it just doesn’t always work that all of us go.

That said, I think going on holiday with the in laws is something most people would give a big ole swerve! I definitely wouldn’t want to go with dh’s family and frankly neither of us would go with mine.

I don’t blame him at all for not wanting to go, but it’s weird to get all worked up that you decided to go without him.

I don't think I know anyone who HASN'T been on holiday with their extended families/in-laws.

It's a very common way of holidaying.

Holly60 · 08/08/2022 17:08

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2022 01:12

How many on here would go on holiday with their MIL?

I've been many times. So has my DH. My SIL comes away with us, my BIL and SIL come away with my PILs. Many friends go away with ILs and extended family.

I'm shocked that some people don't think it's perfectly normal.

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2022 17:11

@Holly60 do you ever go on holiday without extended family?

I don't mind the odd holiday with extended family but prefer most holidays with just DH and DC

Holly60 · 08/08/2022 17:11

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2022 17:11

@Holly60 do you ever go on holiday without extended family?

I don't mind the odd holiday with extended family but prefer most holidays with just DH and DC

Yup Smile

Holly60 · 08/08/2022 17:12

Also - eye to the future - it's good for DC to see it's totally normal so they still want to do it as adults 😂

Holly60 · 08/08/2022 17:14

Quite often we'll do a portion of the holiday all together then go off in separate family units for the second week, say.

KosherDill · 08/08/2022 17:16

DeadbeatYoda · 08/08/2022 16:20

His tactics are pretty unpleasant OP, it sounds like this is his usual MO too so perhaps some time apart to reflect might do you good.
I'm not saying LTB but you are not 'his' to manipulate and coerce as he pleases, nor are the DC. His attitudes are really unhealthy and definitely yell 'ted flags' to me.

This.

He's a hypocrite and an asshole. Digging at you & the kids, trying to ruin your anticipation of a nice time. What a waste of space. Use your time away to reflect; this is your one life.

Onthegrid · 08/08/2022 17:20

As I think you realise, your DH is being a dick.
We have holidayed with family since my now adult DC were babies, we also holiday alone with (and without the DC). We have different interests and different work schedules. I don't ski, DH and both DC do, he books a ski week and takes whoever wants to go. I like city breaks as does 1 of my DC, we pop off together. My family do a big get together holiday every summer, up until they were 18 the DC went every year, I go most years, DH has never been.

I remember as a child going on holidays just with my mum and my grandparents as dad had to work, it is not a new thing.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 02:45

MintJulia · 06/08/2022 01:42

Ten days for three of you is quite a lot, just to celebrate a birthday.

Maybe he thinks it's excessive, maybe he missed his kids or is a creature of habit and disliked the disruption to normal life. Maybe he thinks your parents overindulge the dcs.

Quite a lot of people would be in no rush to spend 10 days with the in-laws.

You are entirely missing the point.

He is punishing OP for not cancelling the holiday, because HE doesn't want to go. He felt OP should have kowtowed to his wishes. It's got nothing to do with whether he goes or not - & everything to do with his coercive behaviour about it for 7 months.

OP - well done on not backing down.
If he continues to use this as a stick to beat you with when you get back ... have a think about how long you are prepared to live like this for, & act accordingly.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/08/2022 02:51

Jane798 · 07/08/2022 18:11

Hello everyone. My 8 year old daughter has just told me he has told her that it's illegal for me to be taking the kids away without his permission. I am so angry but also does anyone know if this is true?

Jeeze, OP.

Sorry I have only just caught up with this. So sorry he is such a contemptible prick he will use his own child as a pawn. I hope she is not too upset. Will you be reading him the riot act about this appalling behaviour? - or will he just refuse to see any point of view but his own self-serving, controlling one?

If you ever decide to LTB you will have your work cut out with this one.
Please confide in your mum, tell her what tactics he has already stooped to. Get the support of your family, & don;t keep his abuse (it is very abusive, don't doubt this) secret from your trusted family members.

WTF475878237NC · 09/08/2022 03:03

This is such an unhealthy relationship OP. You should not be repeatedly asking him if you shouldn't have agreed to go etc. What are you hoping to achieve? You know his feelings on the issue already. It seems quite a toxic way of relating and he is punishing you for not doing as he wanted. I couldn't be with him.

Biscuitandacuppa · 09/08/2022 03:26

Honestly I would take the time over the 5 days away to think what life might be like without a bullying, petulant, manipulative prick as a husband. He is not just making you unhappy he is messing with your kids and causing them anxiety too. At 8 years old there is no way your dd should be worrying that her father might stop her going on holiday. He is pissed off because he the MAN of the house and you aren’t kowtowing to him.

Think about your relationship in general. Is he an equal partner? Does he share parenting and housework? Does he expect you to meet his needs but rarely do anything nice for you? Does he often sulk or become moody if he doesn’t get his own way? Does he use the children in disagreements to manipulate you? Do you have full access to your finances? Does he try to limit your contact with friends and family? Does he always complain about people you are close to? Is he lazy around the house and expect you to do everything?

Thats a massive list I know 😂 but that is what my ex was like. Best thing I ever did was leave him. I am far happier, less anxious and life is much calmer not walking on eggshells all the time. If any of the above is familiar then you need to start planning to leave before he does any more damage to you and your dc’s mental and emotional health.

Enjoy your holiday, and have a good chat with your mum about how you are feeling and what is going on at home.

Original poster
Jane798 · 09/08/2022 04:48

I've said it isn't acceptable to be saying things like that to the children and anything he has to say he needs to come to me.
He has said tonight he feels like this is the first time the kids are going abroad to a resort (we are just going to Spain in a normal hotel) and this is what they will remeber forever. He just wanted this year to be the 4 of us doing things together. We have just come back from a cruise in July the 4 of us and we are also going away the 4 of us in October. Also not the first time the kids have been on a plane or anything, not sure if this is just another tactic to make me feel guilty.
I really feel like it shouldn't be this hard, all the guilt triping is draining at a time when me and the kids should be allowed to be excited!

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 09/08/2022 05:15

toomuchlaundry · 07/08/2022 01:12

How many on here would go on holiday with their MIL?

Me!

When DC were small we went away with DH's parents regularly.

I have also been away with DC and my parents without DH.

OP your husband had the offer to come with you but chose not to so that is his issue. As PPs have asked, does he usually expect to dictate what you all do?

autienotnaughty · 09/08/2022 06:31

If he wants to go he should go. If he doesn't it's a bit off but fair enough. He shouldn't decide you shouldn't go or make you feel bad for going. I'd be really annoyed with him.

olympicsrock · 09/08/2022 06:39

Husband is completely out of order

DillyDilly · 09/08/2022 06:41

I would ignore your DH's behaviour for the next few days, don't engage in any talks about this holiday with him.

He is sulking, he didn't want to go on this holiday, didn't want you or your children going either and is now sulking because he's feeling left out. His own fault.

He's being horrible and is trying and possibly succeeding in ruining it for you. Don't let him, ignore as much as possible.