Husband and family holiday

[Jane798]

Hi all, I posted on here back in January about a holiday abroad and how my husband didn't want to go with my family. I really did want to go so I booked to go with my 2 children and we go in 10 days. Things with my husband haven't been the same since and he uses every opertunity to 'get one back' on me! I feel like it's really driven a massive wedge between us and I am not sure if things will ever get back to normal.
Would anyone on else here even think about doing a holiday with their family without their spouse or am I in a toxic relationship. X

I remember your thread and the consensus on it was you should go. He sounded selfish and controlling, and now enraged because you're not obeying his word for the entire family. I had one of those, he would sulk and make life difficult and up tension levels for all the months leading up to any arrangements I made that he didn't like. Go on the holiday and then rethink your marriage and if you should be in it when you return.

It’s just a 5 day holiday for you & your kids to celebrate your mums 60th. Sound great to me - go and enjoy it.

he was invited but refused to go. That’s not your fault. It’s his problem and shouldn’t make you feel bad. Unless there’s more history of him being controlling/physically abusive towards you, I would tell him to stop being a dickhead and grow up. But if he is nasty normally, I’d just keep him sweet, go on hols but quietly plan your exit.

sendong love OP💐

Sending!

I had an ex like this, too. He would refuse to go anywhere where all the attention wouldn't be on him. Your DH is determined to ruin the holiday for you by making sure you're anxious every day you're away, because you know you'll be coming back to his shit mood and sulks.

What is his behaviour usually like, OP? Does he try to stop you doing other things that you might enjoy, too?

You have not done anything wrong OP, so don't let him guilt trip you. Maybe he decided to not come in January and is now regretting that decision. Could he come along for a couple of days so he doesn't feel he's missing out? Assuming it's not too late to get a flight/ transport
Or maybe he thought you wouldn't go if he didn't come along, which is a bit more sinister and mean.

The fact he refused to go is really bad imo. I'd be really mad at him for refusing and would 100% go with the kids.

I'm going skiing next year with my DS and DD without my DH.
When I booked it I thought he would be away with work, but he wouldn't want to go anyway as he doesn't ski. I'm spending a crazy amount of money on it, which he doesn't really think its a good use of money, but that's all. No issue with going on holiday without him (my parents and my sister will be there). I think he will quite like the peace.

"Ten days for three of you is quite a lot, just to celebrate a birthday"

Says who? A 10 day summer holiday is pretty standard. Anyway, OP didn't say she was going for 10 days

Go let him get over it, he didn't want to go it's his loss, he's just trying to make you not go. X

I think he's actually the unreasonable one. Fair enough if he doesn't fancy it but that's his choice. Totally unfair to expect you and DC to miss out just cos he doesn't feel like it.

He was invited on a holiday which your mum was offering to pay for so I'd actually be quite annoyed if my DH was this rude in return. Very least I'd expect is "sorry I can't make it but hope you all have a great time"

I've just got back from 2 weeks with my family without dh.
He would never expect me not to spend time with my family just because he didn't want to go.
You're not doing anything wrong and your dh is in the wrong for being so malicious and petty. Disgusting behaviour.
Carry on and enjoy time with people who love you

He likes holidays, said he doesn't want to do extended family holidays this year. It's for my Mums 60th birthday.

Your husband is a world class prick. I can't even imagine a person who would begrudge their spouse going to their mum's 60th birthday celebration. Red flags everywhere.

My husband doesn't mind me going on holiday with my Mum or my friend if/when he doesn't want to go on holiday abroad.

This year was the 1st time he didn't want to go. Hopefully next year he will.

Some families get on really well and are happy to go on holiday together in this way. Some can put up with it but would prefer not to, and some absolutely hate the idea. It’s much easier to tolerate in-laws that you find hard work for a day or weekend, than it is for a holiday, and if you’re working, sometimes the thought of using a substantial part of your annual leave with in-laws is miserable.

I went away once with my MIL and wouldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t go away with my SIL and family (she’s alright but her husband and children are difficult company). The thought of wasting precious holiday (time and money) in their company when I could be having a holiday I actually enjoy rather than grit my teeth through, is also miserable.

I think it is perfectly reasonable of your husband to choose not to go on holiday with your family.

Whether it’s OK for you and the children to go without him, I’m more ambivalent about. It is quite a big deal. I think he probably feels that you’ve chosen your family over him. This may not be entirely rational or reasonable but it does seem this may be a watershed moment in your marriage.

He may feel that you always prioritise your family over the marriage. Or he may be controlling and resent you having a support network/life outside your relationship with him. Or it may be something in between the two.

You should talk about this. Not in a confrontational way. Ask him why he’s so upset/angry about it and try and listen to what he says without getting defensive. Then take some time to think about whether he has a point or whether he’s just being a dick.

How many on here would go on holiday with their MIL?

Not many, but equally I'd hope no one here would expect their dp to not go on a holiday to celebrate a parent's significant birthday just because they had decided they didn't want to go.

If my family were paying for a nice holiday for my mums bday and my Dh didn’t want to go he wouldn’t dream of stopping us, and I’d think he’s being pathetic (given we have no serious issues with the in laws on either side)

Hello everyone. My 8 year old daughter has just told me he has told her that it's illegal for me to be taking the kids away without his permission. I am so angry but also does anyone know if this is true?

In theory yes this is true if outside the UK although I'm sure for less than 28 days you don't need anything formal in writing.

He's not being serious though is he? Why would he say that to an 8 year old?

He sounds appalling.

Me and my child's Dad are separated and I've never been asked if i have his permission when I've taken her abroad. Never been asked for anything in writing or challenged in any way. She doesn't share my surname.

Exactly what I thought why say that to a child! I'm so angry! She was so sad.

He sounds so angry about it. Has he actually spoken to you about it properly or just all passive aggressive? So out of order saying that to your daughter, implying he could prevent her from going? Just mean. He sounds mean.

He thinks because he just didn't fancy it you shouldn't want to go on a short, free holiday to celebrate your mum's 60th? And this is how he's behaving about it?

He sounds horrendous.

And how does he even know that about consent? Has he been googling, reading up? Why would he do that?

Sounds controlling, bit manipulative.

Make sure you have control of the passports, OP, where he can’t get them. If he’s spiteful enough to suggest he can prevent you from taking them, he might try other things.