Can I start by saying I was a porn user for a long time and we watch together as a couple. Prefer independently made porn as I don't necessarily agree with what goes on within the professional industry but hey ho.
At the beginning of our relationship DP cheated on me. I managed to overcome it. Although I foolishly believed that it was not physical. I found evidence months later that proves it was physical. It was awful. But, I managed to get through it with him and we built trust back.
Some months later, I was going through some personal things and was feeling particularly low about myself. I noticed that DP was looking at a lot of porn. Not porn videos to get off to. But just pictures of women. He would look whilst I was in the room with him, whilst I was cooking his tea, when his family were round, whilst the kids were in the room (although they couldn't see).
I spoke with him about how it was hurting my self esteem a bit, like I'd be excited for him to come home from work and would make him a coffee etc, but the first thing he'd do is sit down and look at naked women? Not even interact with the kids. I wasn't saying this so as to make him stop necessarily, but to maybe tone it down a bit when I'm around and also.. I honestly wanted some reassurance. That I'm fine as I am and him looking at these women weren't a reflection of our relationship or me. (Before I'm flamed - I know I wasn't thinking rationally there).
He spent hours a day on tiktok and I looked at his history one day, because it niggled at me, and his feed and likes were like 85% women. Dancing, taking clothes off, linking to their only fans. We spoke and he removed tiktok. I didn't ask him to, but he said he didn't need it and it was just a habit.
He carried on with the googling and once again I sought some reassurance. I started to compare myself to his ex and DC's mum (who he cheated with) at the start, and found myself doing it again with these women. He said he won't look any more if it makes me feel bad, he will just look when we're together and both want to. I reassured him I wasn't asking him to stop, just that I felt fragile and kept comparing myself. I didn't want to eat really because of all these beautiful and stick thin women he likes.
Then a while after he was googling nudes, I asked him and he made it my fault. Then said it was an impulse but he closed it down before looking.
Today I was bored and used his phone to peruse MN whilst mine charged. I went to have a look at the AIBU on Reddit as well.. and whilst there I saw that he signed up to Reddit 8 days ago and 99.9% of his history was porn. I think I'm especially sensitive currently as I'm pregnant.
He is saying that he hadn't looked at a single thing. He doesn't know how it got there. He's not lying. Then he's deleted his Facebook, Reddit, Snapchat, everything??? To 'prove' to me that I can trust him. I've told him I think this is a massive over-reaction and that he doesn't need to delete things? But trust it built on truth and can he tell me the truth.
Turns out he can't tell me the truth.
Honestly I have wobbles now and again about comparing myself to these women, and I just want reassurance. If he could reassure me in a way like... "I look because I enjoy it, but I love you and X, Y, Z" that's all it would take. To make me feel better. But then he decided to stop watching... Only carried on, but lies about it.
Given that I know he's capable of cheating it makes me nervous. What do I do?
I know a lot will say "it's just a bit of porn" and that's right. But it has become a big thing because of the lies and secrecy. I don't feel as though I've made him be secret and lie, because I never said don't watch it.... I just simply wanted some reassurance as I felt he was more interested in looking at women online than me at times.
Any advice would be appreciated.