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DP and porn. Lies. Then more porn. Then more lies.
64

GoT1904 · 05/08/2022 19:22

Can I start by saying I was a porn user for a long time and we watch together as a couple. Prefer independently made porn as I don't necessarily agree with what goes on within the professional industry but hey ho.

At the beginning of our relationship DP cheated on me. I managed to overcome it. Although I foolishly believed that it was not physical. I found evidence months later that proves it was physical. It was awful. But, I managed to get through it with him and we built trust back.

Some months later, I was going through some personal things and was feeling particularly low about myself. I noticed that DP was looking at a lot of porn. Not porn videos to get off to. But just pictures of women. He would look whilst I was in the room with him, whilst I was cooking his tea, when his family were round, whilst the kids were in the room (although they couldn't see).

I spoke with him about how it was hurting my self esteem a bit, like I'd be excited for him to come home from work and would make him a coffee etc, but the first thing he'd do is sit down and look at naked women? Not even interact with the kids. I wasn't saying this so as to make him stop necessarily, but to maybe tone it down a bit when I'm around and also.. I honestly wanted some reassurance. That I'm fine as I am and him looking at these women weren't a reflection of our relationship or me. (Before I'm flamed - I know I wasn't thinking rationally there).

He spent hours a day on tiktok and I looked at his history one day, because it niggled at me, and his feed and likes were like 85% women. Dancing, taking clothes off, linking to their only fans. We spoke and he removed tiktok. I didn't ask him to, but he said he didn't need it and it was just a habit.

He carried on with the googling and once again I sought some reassurance. I started to compare myself to his ex and DC's mum (who he cheated with) at the start, and found myself doing it again with these women. He said he won't look any more if it makes me feel bad, he will just look when we're together and both want to. I reassured him I wasn't asking him to stop, just that I felt fragile and kept comparing myself. I didn't want to eat really because of all these beautiful and stick thin women he likes.

Then a while after he was googling nudes, I asked him and he made it my fault. Then said it was an impulse but he closed it down before looking.

Today I was bored and used his phone to peruse MN whilst mine charged. I went to have a look at the AIBU on Reddit as well.. and whilst there I saw that he signed up to Reddit 8 days ago and 99.9% of his history was porn. I think I'm especially sensitive currently as I'm pregnant.

He is saying that he hadn't looked at a single thing. He doesn't know how it got there. He's not lying. Then he's deleted his Facebook, Reddit, Snapchat, everything??? To 'prove' to me that I can trust him. I've told him I think this is a massive over-reaction and that he doesn't need to delete things? But trust it built on truth and can he tell me the truth.

Turns out he can't tell me the truth.

Honestly I have wobbles now and again about comparing myself to these women, and I just want reassurance. If he could reassure me in a way like... "I look because I enjoy it, but I love you and X, Y, Z" that's all it would take. To make me feel better. But then he decided to stop watching... Only carried on, but lies about it.

Given that I know he's capable of cheating it makes me nervous. What do I do?

I know a lot will say "it's just a bit of porn" and that's right. But it has become a big thing because of the lies and secrecy. I don't feel as though I've made him be secret and lie, because I never said don't watch it.... I just simply wanted some reassurance as I felt he was more interested in looking at women online than me at times.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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Nanny0gg · 05/08/2022 21:21

Obvious advice - LTB

He has no respect for you, his children or his family.

What he is doing when they're around is revolting. And that's on top of cheating.

He won't change because he doesn't need to.

What is your housing situation? You need to split.

Also - can you access counselling to find out why you need reassurance when the situation is as it is? No-one would feel secure or loved with a man like that

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MumTrain · 05/08/2022 21:23

Well he’s told you time and time again who he is and he won’t change. Only you can change things.

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Duttercup · 05/08/2022 21:27

I know a lot will say "it's just a bit of porn" and that's right.

Noone's going to say that about someone looking at porn in their living room around their kids or while the tea's on. Some people may say that about a Sunday morning lie-in while the rest of the household is out at swimming.

I think somehow you've become normalised to this really abnormal and unacceptable porn use.

He's the problem, not you. I don't have any advice, just...you deserve much better than that.

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IsThePopeCatholic · 05/08/2022 21:35

He’s a porn addict and it’s controlling his life, your life, and your family’s life. I would absolutely hate it, but then I hate porn anyway. Don’t underestimate how damaging this is for your whole family. I believe porn distorts people’s perceptions of others.

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ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 05/08/2022 21:36

I think somehow you've become normalised to this really abnormal and unacceptable porn use.

I agree. It’s nowhere near normal - he sounds totally obsessed, using it in front of his children, other relatives, for hours per day. And his treatment of you is disgusting. The kindest thing I could say is that he sounds sick. But it’s not really a sickness, is it? Hejust wants to do it.

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LilacSky95 · 05/08/2022 21:37

No way I'd put up with this behaviour. Easier said than done considering you are pregnant but he does not respect you whatsoever. He is clearly the sort of man that will not stop doing this, he will just keep trying to cover his lies and doing it in secret

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Cognacsoft · 05/08/2022 21:42

He sounds horrible.
I would sooner be in my own than with a disgusting man who would sooner look at porn than interact with his family.
What's the point of him?

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GoT1904 · 05/08/2022 21:56

Thanks for you replies. I really didn't know what to expect. I've searched other threads about partners and porn use and sometimes the OP's are told they're over reacting and to calm down.

I didn't think it was normal to sit in the same room as people, his parents or kids for example, and look at things like this on your phone. He would say otherwise obviously.

He is lying to my face about this most recent time. It makes me feel like he thinks I'm stupid, for him to deny it like that when I showed him the Reddit history.

I don't know what will happen. But things aren't getting swept under the rug this time.

I'm in counselling currently so I can talk through it with my therapist.

I just went upstairs and asked him if I could look at his phone. He got annoyed at me and just held it out and was like "you've already looked today, what's it going to do?" Now he's messaging me like it's fine for me to look and I should just come look because he wants to be trusted.

I know I sound pathetic but I feel so anxious and hurt and unsure of myself. It honestly feels like the beginning of the end. And it will all be my fault, because he's 100000000% adamant he's done nothing wrong ...

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LilacSky95 · 05/08/2022 21:59

Yuck.

Why do men do this

You would never find a woman doing this sort of shit

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HMSSophia · 05/08/2022 22:03

Jesus. He's yet another utter shit of a man.

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Small80085 · 05/08/2022 22:07

I've been there before. I know almost all of it. I don't think there's a solution besides separation (temporary or permanent) because even if it stops for a while, he'll relapse again.

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Notbeinfunnehbut · 05/08/2022 22:08

I posted a similar thread during the week OP so solidarity as it’s a really big difficult issue I think a lot of couples face

although correct me if I’m wrong he cheated with his ex mother of his child?

thats a doozy as he can’t cut her completely out of your life, I’d throw him back for that tbh

big hugs sending strength xx

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Allicando · 05/08/2022 22:08

But he has he is repeatedly looking at other women having sex, viewing them a sexual objects. OP you have to ask yourself if this is what you want for your life? Living with a man with no respect for you or his family. Do you really really want to be checking his phone over and over never being able to relax? Is this man SO great you are willing to sacrifice your own self worth over? Leave him, its the only way to find peace. He is a complete sleazy twat.

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jammiewhammie65 · 05/08/2022 22:09

I think he is addicted and you will never have piece of mind with this man. He is untrustworthy You will have no self esteem while you are with him. Really sorry but I bet you are way too good for him. He is the sort of man that just thinks of his penis 24/7 it's like a sickness.

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Cas112 · 05/08/2022 22:11

He's literally taking the piss out of you

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holidayhonesty · 05/08/2022 22:17

He's a porn addict. He will lie just like he'd like if he was addicted to alcohol or drugs or gambling. You aren't responsible and you don't have to put up with it or try to fix it.

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LondonLovie · 05/08/2022 22:30

holidayhonesty · 05/08/2022 22:17

He's a porn addict. He will lie just like he'd like if he was addicted to alcohol or drugs or gambling. You aren't responsible and you don't have to put up with it or try to fix it.

This he's an addict. Completely addict to porn. He won't stop unless he gets help, and only he is responsible for that. He won't be fixed overnight and you'll go through a hell of a lot of lows until it's possibly sorted. Two options really buckle up or move on.

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Username0308 · 05/08/2022 22:35

Sometimes I read these posts and it actually hurts my heart at how awful some men are, and how much is destroys a person.

You deserve so much better. I know you're pregnant so it makes this situation more complex but please make plans to leave him. You don't need him. He is destroying your self-esteem. You're now clinging onto hope, and you're constantly looking for validation from him, and you're not going to get it.

He sounds like he's a porn addict and a compulsive liar.

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WillPowerLite · 05/08/2022 22:38

He cheated on you. Cheated on you and lied about it. That (rightly) destroyed your trust in him. It also killed your relationship, but it's taking time for you to realise that.

You say that you had rebuilt trust, but you are frequently policing his internet usage. That, right there, is not healthy. You do not trust him, again quite rightly.

So now you feel like you need to constantly ask for proof that he's not doing something that 1) destroys your confidence 2) makes you doubt him 3) makes you anxious and 4) that he explicitly promised not to do, but is doing.

You are not in charge of his behaviour. He is a liar and a cheat. His behaviour is obnoxious. He will continue to be that weather you police his Reddit habits or not.

You need to leave him.

That's what you should be talking to your therapist about.

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GoT1904 · 05/08/2022 22:43

Thank you all for your replies. I'm getting really emotional feeling your sympathy/empathy and opening my eyes to what I already know.

I am going to make plans. But I don't know what they'll look like. I know that he won't leave quietly. He has ADHD and when he feels hurt etc he blows up and I'm genuinely scared of what it will be like.

I can't leave this house really. It's rented. The car is mine. I'm unsure what to do going forwards, if anybody knows what steps I should be taking?

I have shared custody of my DC with ExH, so maybe I should leave the premises temporarily and ask him to leave whilst I'm not there. The porn is just the cherry on the top really.

I know it's not healthy checking his phone. He checks mine as I sleep, I think guilty conscience. I've no self esteem, isolated from friends, failed my final year of my degree. I know I can't go on like this.

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Aquamarine1029 · 05/08/2022 22:46

Why, why, why are you with this gutter trolling pervert? He's absolutely disgusting and pathetic.

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EarthSight · 05/08/2022 22:48

Yes - leave him. He's absolutely obsessed with porn. Maybe one of the worst cases of this I've seen on Mumsnet. You might be pregnant but you are NOT being oversensitive about this.

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TheOnlyAletheia · 05/08/2022 22:58

My ExH used porn all through our 30 year relationship. He knew it upset me and undermined myself esteem totally. He lied about about it time and time again. It killed our relationship.

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Summerfun54321 · 05/08/2022 23:12

It sounds like he has a porn addiction. Why the hell would he be looking at it in family time like that?!

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GoT1904 · 05/08/2022 23:17

He is being short and snappy with me.

I said "why are you cross?"
"Because you don't trust me"
"Can you blame me, given what I've seen?"
"You obviously didn't trust me to look"

.... He's making this all my fault? My head is so messy.

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