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Original poster

I'm pregnant and unmarried - should I sign a deed of trust on our new house

103 replies

Bonnie2023 · 05/08/2022 13:50

Hello,

I'm in a bit of a pickle and wondered if anyone is able to offer any advice.

I bought a house with my boyfriend a few months ago. We have moved in and it's perfect. Given he put a fair whack down as a deposit, I signed a deed of trust. I think it's only fair that he gets that back if we break up and sell the house.

However, I have fallen pregnant. It wasn't the plan, I wanted to get married before we started to think about babies but sometimes, life happens. We are both really happy and feel really lucky. When I found out, the deed of trust was on my mind. He didn't offer to scrap it, even when I raised concerns

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 05/08/2022 16:47

Why is her earning power about to take a hit?
it doesnthave to
my earning power didnt when i had children, in fact it increased and continued to
this MN notion that a woman with a child is always disadvantaged is nonsense

whst £ did he put down as deposit ?

Fireflygal · 05/08/2022 17:04

@millymollymoomoo, Glad it wasn't the case for you but that's not the common experience, shown by gender pay gap analysis.

Original poster
Bonnie2023 · 05/08/2022 17:51

Why's the Deed of trust invalid now? You said you signed it. Having a baby doesn't over ride it. Getting married does.
He will pay child maintenance if you split and the child would get inheritance(half the house and his deposit) if he dies.
I had a Deed of trust because I put the deposit down from our first flat and my ex put nothing. He asked me to marry him, I stupidly said yes, we got married, he then decided he wanted to move so we sold our flat. 3 years later he asked for a divorce, I never got my deposit back and he walked away with half of it. My solicitor said I couldn't get it back as we were married and had sold the flat. Lesson learnt.
I'm all for people protecting their money, deposits and inheritance now.

Its not invalid because I'm pregnant. It's invalid because we didn't have an independent witness.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I am also pro people protecting their money. I just think it can get tricky when a baby is involved. Thanks for your input, as I said, all really helpful

OP posts:
MrsPinkCock · 05/08/2022 17:56

If you didn’t contribute to the deposit then I think the deed of trust is fair. It is his money, after all. Even if you split (unmarried) he’d have to contribute to the child. Not having the deed wouldn’t mean any money went to the child anyway.

personally I would only scrap my deed of trust on marriage, but even that wouldn’t make much difference as I would leave the majority of my estate to my DC in my will anyway.

ArcticSkewer · 05/08/2022 19:29

I'm sure he'll take it really well if you refuse to sort out the paperwork on something you agreed to and signed up to (what happened with the witness, wasn't it done via solicitor?) only a few months ago, before your unplanned pregnancy, and won't feel at all stitched up!

GreenQueen80 · 05/08/2022 19:39

writergirl007 · 05/08/2022 15:03

If he won't get married before the baby is born, tell him it will have your surname. He might never marry you - do you want your child to have a different name to you? It will focus his mind maybe...

Yes. Him saying he doesn't want to get married as none of his friends are makes him sound v immature imo, and therefore not mature enough for the brutal reality of becoming a parent. If it was me I don't think I'd be having a baby with him.

If you're saying he's a decent guy though, and the pregnancy was an accident for which you are BOTH responsible, then he needs to accept his responsibility and STEP UP. You're willing to risk your life, wreck your body and sacrifice your career and earning power to have this child. Why don't he marry? What's he bringing to the table?

Original poster
Bonnie2023 · 05/08/2022 19:48

I'm sure he'll take it really well if you refuse to sort out the paperwork on something you agreed to and signed up to (what happened with the witness, wasn't it done via solicitor?) only a few months ago, before your unplanned pregnancy, and won't feel at all stitched up! You know what, most of the comments on here have been really helpful. I really appreciate how many people have taken the time to respond on something I have just felt a little bit confused and unsure about. But you have actually been quite unpleasant in both your comments and your tone. I'm not 'refusing' anything. I am trying to work out the best thing to do and thought people on here might have some helpful advice. Yes I agreed, but that's before I got pregnant. Had I got pregnant before we bought the house, I'm not sure I would have made the same decision. And yes the deed of trust was all done via solicitor, but no it wasn't physically signed in front of the solicitor. We did it in his parents' home and sent it off. And guess what - he managed the whole thing and I did exactly what he wanted me to do, because I understood he wanted to protect his money. So it's really crappy to sit and see you write this. But hey ho, I guess it's what you sign up for when you use forums like this. Shitty comments from people who only want to see the worst in others. Lesson learned. Thanks to those who have commented (even those who have said the deed of trust is fair) but I will no longer be engaging with this chat.

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 05/08/2022 20:13

Good luck to you, and him

layladomino · 05/08/2022 21:12

When you and he first discussed the deed of trust, did you tell him that you only wanted it to apply until you had children?

I think it's fair that it still stands. Once you're married it's another matter.

User135792468 · 05/08/2022 21:27

I don’t know why you’re so offended Op, @ArcticSkewer was spot on. You are breaking an agreement you had made before an unplanned pregnancy. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to marry you. It sounds like you’re out for his money under the guise of doing “what’s best for the baby”.

mindutopia · 05/08/2022 23:14

If the deed of trust is invalid because not properly witnessed, then why all the fuss? It’s meaningless anyway.

That said, if Dh and I were to split, I think it’s fair that we both get back what we put into our house (even though we’re married). I put in a larger part of the deposit but Dh pays more per month of the mortgage as he’s the higher earner (no, my career didn’t take a hit due to children, but Dh works in an industry that is just higher paid). It would be hard to work out who is owed what but I wouldn’t want more money from the investment just because we have children. I’d expect Dh to generally do his bit to support his dc, just as I would.

GreenQueen80 · 06/08/2022 08:48

User135792468 · 05/08/2022 21:27

I don’t know why you’re so offended Op, @ArcticSkewer was spot on. You are breaking an agreement you had made before an unplanned pregnancy. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to marry you. It sounds like you’re out for his money under the guise of doing “what’s best for the baby”.

That's rubbish. The boyfriend is also responsible for the pregnancy!! FFS Hmm

Aprilx · 06/08/2022 09:12

Bonnie2023 · 05/08/2022 14:04

'It’s fine for him to keep the deed of trust as child support is a different thing. However DONT give up your job or go part time until you’re married, or you will screw your self over!' - Thanks, good advice.

Why would he scrap it now you are pregnant? What's your reasoning there? - Well he doesn't want to. But is it okay for him to swan off with his money while I'm in some awful place with primary care of the baby? I almost feel like half of it belongs to the baby now (not me, the baby).

I almost feel like half of it belongs to the baby now (not me, the baby)

Well that isn’t true for a start, we do not share ownership with everything our parents own. But even if that is true, you are not asking him to share his deposit with the baby, you are very definitely expecting him to share it with you, which is what you are doing by refusing to sign the deed of trust that you had previously agreed to.

I think you are using “for the baby” sneakily here. If I were him, I would end the relationship with you because trust would be gone.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/08/2022 09:26

Baby should have your surname

Start to plan now for what you will do about mat leave

You say you pay 50-50. Just wondering if you earn the same? If not, why aren’t you paying bills on a proportion of income basis. And are you doing 50-50 on cooking and housework??? Establish that right now and make sure it continues when baby arrives

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 06/08/2022 09:28

Re marriage, that's what my parents said. If he wants to marry you, why wait? But he doesn't want to do it in a hurry....

And there you have it!

He doesn't want to marry you at all OP. The "in a hurry" but is just his excuse for now. In a few years time it'll be a different excuse.
Be aware, very aware.

ApplesandBunions · 06/08/2022 10:13

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 06/08/2022 09:28

Re marriage, that's what my parents said. If he wants to marry you, why wait? But he doesn't want to do it in a hurry....

And there you have it!

He doesn't want to marry you at all OP. The "in a hurry" but is just his excuse for now. In a few years time it'll be a different excuse.
Be aware, very aware.

Yep. And absolutely ensure the baby has your surname and yours only. As an unmarried mother the choice is yours.

frazzledasarock · 06/08/2022 10:37

Get married, just get legally married in a registry office, if he wants a big party you guys can save up for that at a later date.

otherwise give your baby your own surname, and pay only in line with the percentage of your own earning and put away as much as possible in savings for yourself. So you also have a despair to match his in the event you split.

because currently if you split up you could end up with nothing, if he chooses to be belligerent or with a very small amount of money after he is paid his deposit back and the mortgage is settled. Keep in mind you will need to house yourself and your child in the event of a split.

you’re also looking at taking a hit income wise when you go on maternity leave, and you’ll lose out on job progression during that time.

also ensure all child related expenses are split down the middle and discuss right now how childcare emergencies will be dealt with.

frazzledasarock · 06/08/2022 10:37

Deposit not despair

Tippexy · 06/08/2022 11:02

Some posters are getting confused as it wasn't made clear in the OP - the OP did sign the deed of trust but it was invalid. So now she's asking - should she re-sign it? Or is it better for her and the baby if she doesn't?

Haffiana · 06/08/2022 13:38

User135792468 · 05/08/2022 21:27

I don’t know why you’re so offended Op, @ArcticSkewer was spot on. You are breaking an agreement you had made before an unplanned pregnancy. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to marry you. It sounds like you’re out for his money under the guise of doing “what’s best for the baby”.

This exactly. I am baffled why anyone on this thread thinks differently. You cannot change a legal contract between two people just because one person has changed their mind. It needs both to change the contract.

If in fact the Deed was not witnessed, then it makes no difference - you agreed it. He put down a 'fair whack' of the deposit. You are not married. It is still his money. Even if it was completely unsigned - it is still his money.

Honestly, you sound incredibly entitled.

Truuuueeeedat · 06/08/2022 14:22

Be very careful after your baby is born and your career is out on hold. I was very naive, moved in with my partner, had children and gave up my well paid job, sold my house and spent the equity and my savings on furniture, living, etc, and once my money was gone he presented me with a cohabitation agreement that he and his family tried to force me to sign that I would be entitled to nothing if the relationship ended and I needed to move out within 6 weeks. I was silly to think that he would look after me and I regret not returning to work, saving my equity and not spending my savings. I was financially ruined.

chilliesandspices · 06/08/2022 14:43

Does the deed ring fence his deposit only or does it give him a larger share of the house? If it's the latter I'd sign but expect him to pay the mortgage and maintenance proportionally so if he owns 70% then he'd pay 70% of the mortgage and upkeep. If it's just his deposit protected then I'd sign it and not worry about getting my hands on his money.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/08/2022 21:16

Alarm bells would be ringing for me if he is putting off getting married

You and me both - especially as they seem to have been together a long time ("all these years")

Since OP hasn't mentioned any solid reason for this, it may be that he just doesn't want to, in which case the only sensible advice is to protect herself financially by not giving up work, making sure her own pension's secure and so on

Original poster
Bonnie2023 · 08/08/2022 10:07

Haha wow! This is the first time I have ever used a forum like this and boy have I learned a lot! Some people are nice (even if they disagree with you) but some people are just awful.

And before you get on your high horse User135792468 and say something shitty like 'oh, you just dont want to listen to people who aren't siding with you', that's total rubbish. I am more than happy to hear the other side of the argument - that's why I posted in the first place!! To try and get other views on the situation and see if I am just being unreasonable.

Believe it or not, I'm a very reasonable, fair person and more than happy to be told I'm wrong. You are just judgemental and nasty and to say I am entitled is really awful. I wish you knew me, I am so far the other way. Just a young woman who has found herself in a situation and wanted some advice from other parents. I am smart, have a great job and pay half of everything - and am not the money grabber you are making me out to be.

As I say, lesson learned. I have no idea how to disengage with this so will probably just deactivate my account and seek advice elsewhere going forward. I can't be dealing with such awfulness as I become a mother.

Thanks to those who have offered advice. I have made my decision and we've had a very positive conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bonnie2023 · 08/08/2022 10:10

Let me just add - I pay half of everything even though he earns quite a lot more than me. Because guess what? I'm not an asshole and like to pay my way.

OP posts: