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Original poster

Is no sex a deal breaker?

55 replies

Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 10:02

It’s been 7 years since we’ve had sex.
no medical problems, I just don’t want to. I really really don’t want to. I’ve spoken to DH about it and he just says sex isn’t that important when you’ve got children and he isn’t that bothered.
I thought maybe I was asexual but then I met someone at work who made me think differently. I didn’t act on it but I wanted to.
It has awoken something in me and I’m struggling to just accept that I will never have sex again. DH and I have had marriage counselling and we did split up two years ago for a short time but then got back together.
I am not attracted to dh, I think for various reasons over the years I have checked out and now I just can’t see him in that way. I’ve really really tried.
I know that really only I can decide if it’s a deal breaker, it doesn’t seem to be for DH.
Would I be throwing away everything for no reason?

OP posts:
Pibbley · 05/08/2022 10:09

So you spent 7 years just really really not wanting to have sex and your DH stood by you and said your relationship and children were more important.

But now you've had your head turned by someone else and that's caused you to get the horn again, but you don't want to sleep with your husband so your considering leaving him after being the one that's not wanted sex in years?

Lovely.

Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 10:11

No… it’s more that I didn’t think it mattered to me either.
I don’t want anything to happen with this person from work - it is more that I’ve realised actually I’m not asexual.

OP posts:
yougotthelook · 05/08/2022 10:13

Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 10:02

It’s been 7 years since we’ve had sex.
no medical problems, I just don’t want to. I really really don’t want to. I’ve spoken to DH about it and he just says sex isn’t that important when you’ve got children and he isn’t that bothered.
I thought maybe I was asexual but then I met someone at work who made me think differently. I didn’t act on it but I wanted to.
It has awoken something in me and I’m struggling to just accept that I will never have sex again. DH and I have had marriage counselling and we did split up two years ago for a short time but then got back together.
I am not attracted to dh, I think for various reasons over the years I have checked out and now I just can’t see him in that way. I’ve really really tried.
I know that really only I can decide if it’s a deal breaker, it doesn’t seem to be for DH.
Would I be throwing away everything for no reason?

May I ask how old you are?
I'm 54 and the thought of never having sex again would fill me with horror!
If you're not having sex with your DH then you are best friends not lovers and that's great, but most people would want more and please don't let anyone let you feel bad about that!
Hopefully people will be kind but don't bet on it on here!
X

Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 10:14

I am 40.

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 05/08/2022 10:19

While you can’t help you feel how you feel, I do understand the previous poster who said your husband has stood by you for all of these years and now you’re second guessing it all. But it is what it is, he didn’t have to stay with you. To answer your question, as with everything else in life, it is only a deal breaker if you’re not on the same page. You say that your husband said sex wasn’t a big deal to him either, so it sounds like you felt the same and now you’ve decided perhaps you don’t and that the problem is there is no attraction to your husband specifically. That is hurtful and I’d want to know if I was your husband, because he does deserve better.

ManAboutTown · 05/08/2022 10:19

Working backwards that means you were 33 last time you had sex. That is way too young for most people. Kids do take up your time and energy but a healthy sex life is still something most people would want.

I think deep down you know the marriage is over - focus on what you want and take the necessary steps however painful they may be in the short term

Oopsiedaisyy · 05/08/2022 10:22

Leave your marriage because both of you are missing out on a healthy relationship

yougotthelook · 05/08/2022 10:23

Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 10:14

I am 40.

40!!!!
Good god woman you might live another 40 years at least!!!
If I was you I'd be having a long talk with your husband - who sounds lovely btw - splitting up doesn't have to be hell on earth if that's what you both decide you want.

Pinkbonbon · 05/08/2022 10:24

Well it's not for 'no reason' if it's important to you.

You could have another 50 years left. Why would you settle for something that isn't enough for you?

I suspect if you stay, you'll regret it when you're older. You'll always wonder, 'what if'. Life is too short for that.

So long as you can continue to co-parent effectively, then that's the main thing.

I mean, you could discus an open relationship. But imo, thats too messy. Just call it a day, it's run its course and maybe if you are straight up about it, you could part ways but remain friends.

TaffyToffee · 05/08/2022 10:27

Would going back to marriage counselling be an option for you?

Hiddenvoice · 05/08/2022 10:30

I think you might need to take a deeper look at your marriage. I say this from a caring point of view but you’re not happy. I know you have children together but he also doesn’t deserve a life of just holding on. He clearly loves you, he’s stood by you but you’re not attracted to him and it seems like your feelings are fading. Its not your fault for feeling the way you do but out of kindness for yourself and your husband I think you need to speak honestly about your feelings for each other.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/08/2022 10:30

Oopsiedaisyy · 05/08/2022 10:22

Leave your marriage because both of you are missing out on a healthy relationship

I agree with this. You could live another 50 years. Sex is amazing.

joojitzoo · 05/08/2022 10:34

Look, if you're willing to go through divorce why not ask him first if he'd be willing to open up the marriage?

girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 10:34

I think you should leave him.

It's clear this isn't what you want for the rest of your life.
It doesn't matter if he was ok to forego it - you're not.

hewouldwouldnthe · 05/08/2022 10:38

You don't love him and aren't attracted to him and have checked out of the marriage. I suggest you talk to him about divorcing and putting you both out of this misery. Joint custody and make better lives for yourselves.

AnuSTart · 05/08/2022 10:42

Be honest with him and leave so that he can start and have a fulfilling and loving relationship with someone who actually wants him.

You sound just like my ex-husband and I lost years of my life to his bullshit.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 05/08/2022 10:43

I suppose the other question you need to answer is what happens if your DH decides he would like a sex life, then what - if not with you ? What does he do then do you split or open the relationship?

StillHappy · 05/08/2022 10:50

Your poor husband. Hopefully you’ll be honest with him now, and encourage him to explore options away from you now for that side of things.

Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 11:03

If my husband wanted a sex life id totally understand. I’ve told him before that I can’t give him that and that’s when he said there were more important things.
I have been honest with him.
I think it comes back in part to when we first got together and he gave me an STI. It left me with a load of physical problems, although they are gone now obviously, and I’ve never really been able to forget that, although he didn’t do it on purpose. We probably shouldn’t have got married after that as we were already not having sex at that point.

OP posts:
SareBear87 · 05/08/2022 11:09

I'm pretty sure if you haven't had sex during the marriage that is grounds for an annulment in the UK.
It sounds like an awful situation, but if you've mentally checked out I don't see a way of reconciliation 🙁

You need to have a conversation with your DH

Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 11:10

We have had sex - but very infrequently and mainly when ttc.
Aside from that hardly ever.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 05/08/2022 11:15

You don’t love or fancy him. The marriage is over, it’s just a good friendship at this point. You both need to find somebody who desires you.

And practically, I don’t think it’s surprising that he says there are “more important things” when divorce is the alternative and the reality after divorce for most men is getting the shitty end of the housing and financial settlement stick and seeing the DC a handful of days a month? I’d imagine he’s sticking his head in the sand and getting in with things rather than actually happy and fulfilled in a sexless marriage.

Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 11:18

We’d split the dc 50/50 and I will take the bare minimum financially.
I feel like this is my fault and I have no desire to make anything harder than it needs to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 11:19

And he would keep the house.

OP posts:
StillHappy · 05/08/2022 11:21

@Rhubarbandcustardcat

If my husband wanted a sex life id totally understand.

But of course he does. He was saying otherwise because he loves you.