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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is no sex a deal breaker?

55 replies

Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 10:02

It’s been 7 years since we’ve had sex.
no medical problems, I just don’t want to. I really really don’t want to. I’ve spoken to DH about it and he just says sex isn’t that important when you’ve got children and he isn’t that bothered.
I thought maybe I was asexual but then I met someone at work who made me think differently. I didn’t act on it but I wanted to.
It has awoken something in me and I’m struggling to just accept that I will never have sex again. DH and I have had marriage counselling and we did split up two years ago for a short time but then got back together.
I am not attracted to dh, I think for various reasons over the years I have checked out and now I just can’t see him in that way. I’ve really really tried.
I know that really only I can decide if it’s a deal breaker, it doesn’t seem to be for DH.
Would I be throwing away everything for no reason?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 11:23

Ok. Well if he told me that he loved me but he wanted to have a sex life id understand.

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 05/08/2022 11:27

@Rhubarbandcustardcat - this is not just your fault you are both in this together. The biggest error you made was marrying the guy by the sound of it

I seem to dispense this advice about once a day but see a solicitor to help establish your rights - certainly don't just leave him the house

Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 11:29

We have spoken briefly about splitting up before and he has been very clear that he wouldn’t leave the house, which I fully understand.
I would have to leave and live somewhere temporarily to begin with.

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 05/08/2022 11:32

The house is a marital asset and even if you leave you are entitled to a share of the equity. It either gets sold or one of you buys the other out.

Please don't short change yourself (or your kids for that matter)

BertieBotts · 05/08/2022 11:33

I'm confused as to why if you've realised that you do like sex, why you wouldn't want to explore that with the person who is available to you first of all - your husband.

(But I think my own sex drive is a bit screwy/unusual and so I am probably missing something really obvious here.)

I think the bit I don't get is about him giving you an STI putting you off - surely that is a risk with anyone and more so with a random new partner than someone you've been married to for years and probably isn't having sex with anyone else.

Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 11:37

I’m not sure why it put me off. It’s like I associated the discomfort and physical problems it caused with having sex with him. It wasn’t a conscious choice but I’d just freeze when we had sex.
I don’t feel any attraction to him, that’s why I don’t see myself having sex with him. Mumsnet always say ‘got the ick’ which I feel is a bit simplistic for my age and length of marriage but I suppose there is an element of that.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 05/08/2022 11:38

i think you should set you both free.

DarkShade · 05/08/2022 11:40

Were you very sexually active in last relationships OP?

I think you have two options. Try to take this new feeling as a positive, and work on it with your husband. Say you would like to try things, not full on sex necessarily, and see how it goes. If you can channel it into feelings with your husband, great. Alternatively, you should leave him. It sounds like the marriage isn't there anymore.

I get that this is hard, my marriage is also a sexless sham and I don't have the courage to leave. But still, I think this is what you should do!

PermanentTemporary · 05/08/2022 11:52

I wonder if he has punished himself for the STI by shutting down sexually.

Less nicely, I wonder if he has found another way of managing his sexual needs.

Either way, I think you deserve psychosexual therapy both for yourself and as a couple. But tbh I would be extremely surprised if you end up staying together. I just think you have the right to that thinking time.

Original poster
Rhubarbandcustardcat · 05/08/2022 12:19

He’s my only sexual relationship.

OP posts:
User7866765 · 05/08/2022 17:15

To be honest it sounds like you have already decided to leave, I don't know how much good it's going to do to deconstruct the whole relationship, other than to learn from previous mistakes made? If sex is important to you in a relationship then it is important. Not sure why you got married in the first place tbh, and I'm not sure why you got back together two years ago? Do you have a history of being quite wishy-washy and going with the flow? It doesn't sound like you are in charge of any decisions about your own life?

easylisten · 05/08/2022 19:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

houseonthehill · 06/08/2022 08:20

Blimey... the sheer scale of apology one would need to make to one's spouse in this scenario! Make sure you look after him through this. It will be devastating, even to a bloke whose instinct seems to be to do the right thing.

AgentJohnson · 06/08/2022 09:27

You have been upfront about your feelings and now you’ve realised that sex isn’t the issue, it’s time to move forward. Have you had counselling? You not wanting to sleep with your H is linked to a traumatic event and maybe if you explored that with a professional, there might be a way back.

However, If you really don’t want to find your way back to a sex life with your H then you need to split. Life is too short for both you and your H. I can not see the point of you both missing out on a fulfilling life because of misplaced loyalty.

Be kind to yourself and ignore the “well he stuck by you” posts. Your H made a decision based upon the information available to you at the time. You realising that you do want sex, just not with your H, changes everything for both of you.

Good luck.

TheOGCCL · 06/08/2022 09:40

My thought would be whether this might just reoccur with someone else, since to go seven years suggests to me it’s not that important in your life. Whenever this topic comes up, some people are horrified and think sex is very important but others are quite relaxed in a platonic style relationship where there are other benefits. We are all different. My suspicion would be even if you took up with your crush, eventually you’d be back in the same position. Familiarity breeds contempt unless you are careful and as I say it just doesn’t seem like this is a deal breaker for you, or, interestingly enough, potentially your husband (easy to assume this is all men think about but ime that’s not actually true).

finalchance · 06/08/2022 21:42

yougotthelook · 05/08/2022 10:13

May I ask how old you are?
I'm 54 and the thought of never having sex again would fill me with horror!
If you're not having sex with your DH then you are best friends not lovers and that's great, but most people would want more and please don't let anyone let you feel bad about that!
Hopefully people will be kind but don't bet on it on here!
X

Show quote history

Some people on here are lovely but some of the comments I had aimed at me were just downright rude and totally unhelpful.

OP I think not having sex can work if you are both agreed that you can live like this. Many people could not. If your DH is accepting of a sexless marriage then that's great, but if he is only saying this so as not to lose you, i think it would be cruel to stay with him. If you don't love your husband and don't want to be intimate with him, it would be kinder to set him free to find someone who does. Good luck x

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 08/01/2023 21:58

well it would be a deal breaker for myself. But your situation… it’s interesting. I think you owe your relationship a proper chance because it sounds like you put yourself in this situation frankly.

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 08/01/2023 22:04

Sorry OP! I read the rest of the thread and realized with further context my comment was kind of mean. With that information though I won’t pretend to have the answers… that is really hard.

rainbowandglitter · 08/01/2023 22:08

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 08/01/2023 21:58

well it would be a deal breaker for myself. But your situation… it’s interesting. I think you owe your relationship a proper chance because it sounds like you put yourself in this situation frankly.

Are you googling sex threads? This is the second (that i've seen) old thread about sex you've resurrected tonight.

Zanatdy · 08/01/2023 22:18

Yes it would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t want to be in a sexless relationship. When you are it’s either because you have mediocre sex and can’t be bothered to make the effort when you’ve got busy and life gets in the way, or you don’t fancy your OH anymore, sometimes to the point you physically couldn’t do it. The latter I’d 100% leave. Sex is important to me, and I’d hate to think my partner didn’t desire me in that way. As I have plenty of good friends and don’t need another.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/01/2023 22:23

So you say you’ve been honest with him but have you been honest with him about your recent change of heart and why it’s changed?

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 08/01/2023 22:27

rainbowandglitter · 08/01/2023 22:08

Are you googling sex threads? This is the second (that i've seen) old thread about sex you've resurrected tonight.

Show quote history

I did not mean to resurrect. And no I’m not googling. I did not realize that such an old thread would be so high up in the sex forum. 🙁 That was my mistake. I will be more careful from now on.

Coolheadedbird · 08/01/2023 22:35

Oh God, yr poor kids. What are you actually prioritising here? 😞
Would they give a shit about yr sex life?

You can go traveling but I think you’ll find that you’ve brought yourself with you. There is some form of controlling selfishness in you and you must get quite a kick out of it. You don’t care about pleasing your husbands needs at all, zilch. And even when he stoops up being a roommate it’s not enough, you need to mop the floor with him and throw him and the kids under the bus. Just cause u thought of a few fantasist things you’re not sure about. But the real kick is punishing hubby.

If I was that colleague of yrs I think I’d run a mile.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/01/2023 22:49

Yeah I think it is to be honest x

Aussiegirl123456 · 09/01/2023 00:55

Leave. It’s the kindest thing for you both. He can meet someone and get sex and so can you. Life is far too short to stay in a relationship like this.