Page 2 | Meeting someone on a night out

Vainandjustrealised · 2022-08-05T08:37:43+00:00

35/F here Had no sucess dating online Decided to delete it and I already feel better for it I have decided to start heading out on Fridays to socialise and 'on the pull' I have not done this in years I suppose I am heading out 'on the pull' as my priority in life now is to find my life partner - I have reached the top of my career a couple of years ago, glowed up physically emotionally and mentally and put a huge amount of work into myself How do I go out as a mid thirties woman and not appear desperate? I am not going to approach guys but its been years (since I was 26/27) when I meet my LT ex at a bar and I cannot remember how it even happened? I remember he bought me a gin and tonic and I kissed him on the dance floor. I do not know if we made eyes or what 😂 I honestly think thats the last time i went on the pull Confidence boosting tips and advice please And any sucess stories of people who met their DP on a night out would be appreciated! ❤️

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/08/2022 12:09

I met my FWB in a nightclub. We just initially caught each other’s gaze and over the course of about twenty minutes began dancing closer to each other until we were dancing together and then kissing.

He’s great, but we are very different people and we’d never work together in a relationship as a couple. And that’s the main problem with meeting somebody “on the pull”, if the primary attraction is a sexual one then there’a no guarantee you’ll actually have anything in common to work with.

I’ve never been approached or chatted up in a cocktail bar (or any other bar!) and I’m pretty hot 😄 so outside of an episode of Sex and the City I’m not convinced many people really see them as places to pull in - most people are there to hang out with their friends, surely. I’d be pretty annoyed actually if somebody tried to pull me when I was busy with my friends!

jellybeanteaparty · 05/08/2022 12:37

No recent experience but I would still think doing an activity you enjoy where you meet others is the best approach - that can include cocktail bars but perhaps not the only option? Interest or exploring holidays that are geared to single travellers may also be a good shout

EBearhug · 05/08/2022 12:39

Did you know him
Before?

No - I shared a house at uni with the host. Some years later, he worked together with the host. The host held parties nearly every summer pre-covid, but as far as we could tell, we'd just never been at the same ones, but also, he wouldn't have been single then. This was the first party since covid. Anyway, it's still early days, but it's been fun so far.

EBearhug · 05/08/2022 12:44

If you choose an activity/singles holiday/ whatever thst you're interested in anyway, you should have a good time and might make new friends, even if you're still single at the end of it.

JCWildWest · 05/08/2022 12:45

I met my DH on a night out at local pub 8 years ago. However, I was not 'on the pull' just out with mates and enjoying watching a local band. We got chatting about his dog and had an instant connection.

Who are you going out with? Presumably with friends?

When we were prepping for our wedding, all the vendors/planners/dress fitters etc always ask how you met. And when I said just at the pub on a night out, they all commented how cute and traditional that was because 90% of people say on an app!

Whataretheodds · 05/08/2022 12:51

I think you're better off doing group activities that attract a mixed audience and meeting a social circle that way - not necessarily that your prospective life partner will be doing the activity but that you might meet him through your new social circle. A tennis club, a triathlon or running club, mountaineering, touch rugby, choir or orchestra. If you offer to help with the admin you'll get to know everyone.

Scepticalwotsits · 05/08/2022 12:57

ermagerdabear · 05/08/2022 10:50

Going on the pull may land you a string of hookups and the occasional BF but if you really want a life partner it’s unlikely to be found at the bar (not saying impossible)

I find this interesting because going from numerous threads on MN, I would assume you're also unlikely to meet a life partner on OLD either.

I'm mid forties, and I've been married for nearly 20 years and going out on the pull was how we used to do it. It's how I met my husband, in fact and there was none of this 'dating around' and having the 'exclusivity chat' either.

It's not meant to sound snarky, but I've been out of the game for a while and I'm genuinely interested as to how you would meet a life partner these day, if you didn't want to do OLD.

The approach I’ve always had is that you cannot force these things and just be honest and yourself and do what you enjoy and you will meet like minded people.

im not saying it’s impossible about going to the bar or old but with those approaches you have to weed out a lot time wasters and peoples who’s intentions are not as honest as you would like.

by just speaking to people while you are doing things you enjoy you often get a more honest view of the person prior to anything developing. That said if you are fishing for a mate this approach probably isn’t the quickest way as there is no guarantee you will meet someone whereas being on the pull and old you at least have a pool to chose from

Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 13:38

Annaferarri · 05/08/2022 11:30

Vainandjustrealised are you in the South East? I'm 34/F and in exactly the same position as you. OLD proving dire and all my friends are coupled up. No one to go on nights out with and would feel a bit silly asking my friends who are in relationships to wingwoman me.

If you're happy connecting feel free to DM me.

I am in Scotland

I met woman to go out with at speed dating events - they were all single and a similar age to me. I kept up with them and thats how I met like minded woman. I think half of the issue is finding woman in the same position as you.

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Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 13:44

@Mysteriousnotice how exciting!

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Sunshineona · 05/08/2022 13:44

Bit random but a friend of mine who’s into rugby took a weekend job working as a barmaid at a local rugby club and she was engaged to a rugby coach 6 months later, she was meeting a steady stream of men at the bar that I think it was just a matter of time before one was a good fit for her! But obviously there was that common interest as well.

The only woman I know who met her husband clubbing was sitting, relatively sober, at her table while her very drunk friend snoozed on her shoulder. Her future husband was at the next table with his friend passed out next to him. So they started chatting 🤣

To answer your question the on the pull thing (from memory lol) is:

look your best

sexy but not slutty clothes

look happy and drink lightly

catch someone’s eye if you can and give him a shy smile, glance away, look back and smile more then look down at your drink demurely

If he’s at all interested, he’ll approach you and offer a drink / say something friendly

Laugh at his bad jokes and admire his shirt / socks or whatever. If you can ask his opinion/advice on something eg ‘my friend and I can’t agree on x, can you give us your opinion?”

If he asks for your phone number and then suggests a date, go for a meal. Don’t sleep with him until the third date at the earliest, this helps screen out creeps and those who don’t want a relationship (although by no means is this foolproof).

Truth is, it’s gonna be so much harder in mid-thirties than at any other stage of adult life. But worth a try. And by your early forties they’ll be lots of newly divorced men around 🤷‍♀️

Kitschnsync · 05/08/2022 13:45

I’m late thirties female, happily together with my husband for 15 years, we now have a preschooler and I just gave birth to twins a couple of weeks ago, which could account for what I’m going through but not sure.
I’ve always been sentimental about the time when I was in my late teens at school, and read my teenage diaries from time to time to reminisce.

I grew up on a street with 2 other boys my age but because we were all so awkward and shy, we never ended up hanging out or even talking. I fancied both of them at various points when I was 14/15 but lost interest from lack of contact.

In the last year, one of the boys has been in my dreams countless times which I thought was pretty bizarre as I hadn’t thought about him in years. Most recently, I’ve started daydreaming about made up scenarios in which we were friends and hanging out. I embellish these daydreams each time with conversations and I feel like I’m living these out in my head constantly whilst also going through the motions of my real life- which currently involve feeding and nappy changing the twins and looking after my older child.

I’m so in the habit of daydreaming like this that I feel like I can’t switch my brain off from it, they are also bittersweet because I regret that we weren’t friends and that these scenarios aren’t real. I think of real situations that happened when I could have chatted with him or been friendlier, I feel wistful and regretful that I didn’t.

I looked him up on Facebook the other day which was a mistake, I noticed he was friends with a lot of people I was friends with at school (we went to different schools) so we could have been friends too.

I don’t want to make contact with him, he seems to be happily married with a baby and it would be the most random thing as we’ve never talked or been in touch before. If I ever get super nostalgic and feel the urge to follow him on social media, I forcefully tell myself “he’s a fantasy, he doesn’t think about you, what would be the point?”
I just want to get these daydreams out of my head and move on from the past. I don’t know if this is a hormonal reaction or an escape from the mundane repetition of looking after 2 newborns. My husband and I haven’t been intimate for a few months as I was heavily pregnant and now recovering physically. I love him so much and I love our family.

I literally have no one to talk to about this as it would come across in the wrong way.
Please tell me what to do, I’m starting to worry about myself.

Kitschnsync · 05/08/2022 13:47

Sorry please ignore, I’m new to mumsnet and meant to post this as a new topic!!

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 05/08/2022 13:47

I’d say that half of all couples I know met on a night out.

SirenSays · 05/08/2022 13:53

I met a long term partner like this. We made eyes across the bar. He came over gave me a really nice compliment, not a boring generic one. 10/10 🥰 we had a cheeky kiss in the loo and he walked me home at the end of the night. Perfect gent.

ManAboutTown · 05/08/2022 13:54

A bit of very light hearted advice from a bloke who met a few ladies in bars and clubs many years ago before marriage and family

When out on the pull we also used to position ourselves somewhere near the entrance to the Ladies - guarantees that you will see every woman in the place in 45 minutes without prowling around the room looking like a shark in dirty water.

Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 13:56

Sunshineona · 05/08/2022 13:44

Bit random but a friend of mine who’s into rugby took a weekend job working as a barmaid at a local rugby club and she was engaged to a rugby coach 6 months later, she was meeting a steady stream of men at the bar that I think it was just a matter of time before one was a good fit for her! But obviously there was that common interest as well.

The only woman I know who met her husband clubbing was sitting, relatively sober, at her table while her very drunk friend snoozed on her shoulder. Her future husband was at the next table with his friend passed out next to him. So they started chatting 🤣

To answer your question the on the pull thing (from memory lol) is:

look your best

sexy but not slutty clothes

look happy and drink lightly

catch someone’s eye if you can and give him a shy smile, glance away, look back and smile more then look down at your drink demurely

If he’s at all interested, he’ll approach you and offer a drink / say something friendly

Laugh at his bad jokes and admire his shirt / socks or whatever. If you can ask his opinion/advice on something eg ‘my friend and I can’t agree on x, can you give us your opinion?”

If he asks for your phone number and then suggests a date, go for a meal. Don’t sleep with him until the third date at the earliest, this helps screen out creeps and those who don’t want a relationship (although by no means is this foolproof).

Truth is, it’s gonna be so much harder in mid-thirties than at any other stage of adult life. But worth a try. And by your early forties they’ll be lots of newly divorced men around 🤷‍♀️

Great advice ❤️
I am under no illusion how hard it is mid thirties dating as I have expierenced it. Very tough but I have learned so much from it.

I think I am also quite excited about going out in general - I have not done it as a single woman in years. I remember when I was younger having my wine and doing my hair and fake tanning to perfection 🥹 I loved it.

I find for my age dating apps are impossible - and I am not alone. The woman I went to speed dating with doctors and lawyers and professionals - all beautiful successful woman my age had the exact same stories as me. It reassured me it was not something I was doing wrong, not sleeping with them 'too soon' and there was just an awful lot of shite to wade through. I remember when we were younger going out, a guy buying and drink, swapping numbers and if you went for dinner that being 'it'. None of this exclusive nonsense and none of the apps / instagram.

Anyway I have got recommendations of some bars in my city from my friends at coffee this morning. One of them was saying this morning she has never been chatted up as much in her life that a couple of weekends ago.

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Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 13:57

ManAboutTown · 05/08/2022 13:54

A bit of very light hearted advice from a bloke who met a few ladies in bars and clubs many years ago before marriage and family

When out on the pull we also used to position ourselves somewhere near the entrance to the Ladies - guarantees that you will see every woman in the place in 45 minutes without prowling around the room looking like a shark in dirty water.

You are giving away valuable secrets! I love it! ❤️

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Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 13:58

SirenSays · 05/08/2022 13:53

I met a long term partner like this. We made eyes across the bar. He came over gave me a really nice compliment, not a boring generic one. 10/10 🥰 we had a cheeky kiss in the loo and he walked me home at the end of the night. Perfect gent.

Its like the madonna song

'I see you through the smokey air... can't you feel the weight of my stare'... ❤️

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Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 14:01

Kitschnsync · 05/08/2022 13:45

I’m late thirties female, happily together with my husband for 15 years, we now have a preschooler and I just gave birth to twins a couple of weeks ago, which could account for what I’m going through but not sure.
I’ve always been sentimental about the time when I was in my late teens at school, and read my teenage diaries from time to time to reminisce.

I grew up on a street with 2 other boys my age but because we were all so awkward and shy, we never ended up hanging out or even talking. I fancied both of them at various points when I was 14/15 but lost interest from lack of contact.

In the last year, one of the boys has been in my dreams countless times which I thought was pretty bizarre as I hadn’t thought about him in years. Most recently, I’ve started daydreaming about made up scenarios in which we were friends and hanging out. I embellish these daydreams each time with conversations and I feel like I’m living these out in my head constantly whilst also going through the motions of my real life- which currently involve feeding and nappy changing the twins and looking after my older child.

I’m so in the habit of daydreaming like this that I feel like I can’t switch my brain off from it, they are also bittersweet because I regret that we weren’t friends and that these scenarios aren’t real. I think of real situations that happened when I could have chatted with him or been friendlier, I feel wistful and regretful that I didn’t.

I looked him up on Facebook the other day which was a mistake, I noticed he was friends with a lot of people I was friends with at school (we went to different schools) so we could have been friends too.

I don’t want to make contact with him, he seems to be happily married with a baby and it would be the most random thing as we’ve never talked or been in touch before. If I ever get super nostalgic and feel the urge to follow him on social media, I forcefully tell myself “he’s a fantasy, he doesn’t think about you, what would be the point?”
I just want to get these daydreams out of my head and move on from the past. I don’t know if this is a hormonal reaction or an escape from the mundane repetition of looking after 2 newborns. My husband and I haven’t been intimate for a few months as I was heavily pregnant and now recovering physically. I love him so much and I love our family.

I literally have no one to talk to about this as it would come across in the wrong way.
Please tell me what to do, I’m starting to worry about myself.

I would just leave it - its just a bit of nostalgia I think. I do not think it is a that unusual to wonder 'what if' but he is married with children its obviously a complete no no. 💐💐💐

Just say 'stop' whenever you start to think of him.

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excellentday · 05/08/2022 14:24

No idea if this works or not but I heard it from a bloke.

He reckons the one thing that will get a bloke chatting to you is if you ask him something like 'I could really use some help, do you mind?'
They'd be a bit of a dick to say no. Most decent blokes would jump at the chance to 'help' apparantly.
Then just ask something like, 'can you hold my jacket a second while I dig my money out for these drinks' or something normal like that.
If he is interested you've opened a window for him to start a conversation with you. If he just holds your jacket and dumps it back with you when done, move on :)

Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 14:38

Thanks for all the replies ladies and @ManAboutTown

💐

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DarkShade · 05/08/2022 14:42

Sounds good OP, but I would try pubs rather than clubs or even bars. If you're happy dating slightly older lots of men get divorced in their 40s, so it's a good time to get a partner.

ManAboutTown · 05/08/2022 14:45

@Vainandjustrealised - you are most welcome. I should probably write a piece about the stuff we used to get up to in bars and clubs when I was in my early 20s - bar diving,, minesweeping, going upstairs and pouring drinks over the balcony edge the whole lot

Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 14:57

DarkShade · 05/08/2022 14:42

Sounds good OP, but I would try pubs rather than clubs or even bars. If you're happy dating slightly older lots of men get divorced in their 40s, so it's a good time to get a partner.

We have decided on some irish pubs following chatting with two friends our age earlier today who met some really nice guys there earlier in the year! ☘️🇮🇪

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Original poster

Vainandjustrealised · 05/08/2022 14:57

DarkShade · 05/08/2022 14:42

Sounds good OP, but I would try pubs rather than clubs or even bars. If you're happy dating slightly older lots of men get divorced in their 40s, so it's a good time to get a partner.

I wouldnt mind an older divorced guy with kids etc - as long as he is kind.

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