Long story short, I am very recently married after a whirlwind relationship (been together just under 2 years). For me, he is all I have ever wanted. I was married before for a very long time to a narcissist and it feels great to be with someone who doesn't play games. We have 5 kids between us and he is a great dad to his kids and a great stepdad to mine. He works hard and had 3 jobs before we met. I earn a lot more than him from my job (I am self employed) and have encouraged him to dial down his working hours as he is constantly knackered and he doesn't need to work as much any more. I pay all the bills (my house, my ex-marital home, he is not on mortgage) including food. He pays the car loan, his own expenses (credit card, catalogue, child maintenance) and any discretionary spending such as holidays. I still pay for things like meals out and cinema etc. Tbh I probably pay for way more than I should but that is another story.
The issue I have is sex. Or lack of it. When we first met it was instant attraction for me, we seemed very compatible that way. I told him he was the best I ever hard, which is true. He has never said anything like that to me. When asked he said the sex was "good". He is almost 10 years younger than me (I am in my late 40s) and has been with a lot more sexual partners. When we lived apart I would see him most nights and we always had sex. Since he moved in last year, this has dwindled and I put it down to the kids always being around (mine are teenagers, his are too but don't live with him) and to the hours he worked. However over the last couple of months, there has been a drastic change. When we do have sex, it is very "samey", it doesn't last long and he seems to be just going through the motions. When I try to instigate it, he isn't interested. A few times he has woken me out of a sleep for sex (he has woken me and I have been up for it, he hasn't "preyed" on me whilst I am sleeping before anyone asks). The thing is, we haven't had sex for nearly 3 weeks now. We still cuddle and he tells me he loves me every day and is affectionate but there has been no sexual contact. I go to bed naked every night and I am wrapped around him and nothing. He would rather watch TV. I tried sexting yesterday and sent him some naughty pics at his work and he responded that he couldn't wait to get me into bed but when last night came there was no action again. He took me out for dinner and we had a nice night and he did say when we went to bed that he felt very stuffed but it was almost like he said it to let me know not to expect anything.
I am now convinced he just isn't attracted to me anymore. He tells me I look "nice" sometimes but has never looked at me like he couldn't wait to get his hands on me. I have gone from wearing the frumpiest jammies I could find and avoiding going to bed when I was with my ex so as to avoid his advances to practically throwing myself at my now DH and getting nowhere. It is eating away at my self esteem and after being rejected again last night, I feel very low and dejected this morning. I have asked him in the past about his lack of interest and he just keeps saying when he is tired he just doesn't feel horny. I kind of get this but when I think back to the start of our relationship, I would often see him after 11pm when he has finished his 3rd job and he was up for it then. Also if he isn't too tired to watch TV in bed then how can he be too tired for sex?
He stopped working his 3rd job when he moved in and has changed his main job but he hates it. He is going to cut back on his hours next month so that he doesn't have to work Saturday mornings and he can get his weekends back. We are exploring the possibility of him coming to work with me eventually so we can both have a better work life balance as we can share the load. He has always been the main breadwinner in previous relationships, sometimes the only breadwinner and has always put in the hours to provide for his kids. He doesn't need to do that now and I have encouraged him to slow down with work and actually have a life. He is now going to do that but will be swapping to a different shift and will be working til midnight every night and will be out working his 2nd job for a good few hours every day. So although there will be no weekend working I will see less of him - and there will be less chance of sex too due to the time he will get home at night. He does an early shift just now and is up at 4am every day so I get that he is tired at night but he often doesn't go to bed til after 10 or 11 and will just watch TV or be asleep after 10 mins. I work from the house. I get up with him every morning and prep his lunch and make him coffee and he does say thank you to me regularly for this, telling me he appreciates it as I don't need to do it. Sometimes I go back to bed once he is gone and sometimes I just start work.
I just don't know what to do - or what to think. Is it a case of marry in haste, repent at leisure? Does he see me as a meal ticket? He pays no rent, gets all meals provided, has been able to cut down on his working hours and is managing to put some savings aside for the first time in his adult life. I foot the bill for everything but then I offered this as the way I see it, the bills would need paying anyway whether he was here or not. And he did get car finance for me (ex destroyed my credit record but that is another story) and pays for it. Am I being needy and insecure to want to feel attractive and desired? He is not one for talking about his feelings. He is not one for romantic gestures although he brings me flowers randomly because "he loves to see me smile". He helps around the house and is great with the kids. I just can't shake the feeling that he is "settling" for what he sees as a good thing. The passion just isn't there. I see posts with MNers complaining that their other halves are constantly at them for sex and that was my experience with all my exes (all 4 of them) and I just feel something is missing with my DH. Marriage was my idea. He wasn't keen as didn't think it necessary and had been married before and it didn't end well (she cheated) but they had married as teenagers because she was pregnant. The serious relationships he has had since sound very toxic and the most recent serious one ended when she cheated. That was 4 years before we met. He had several short term and casual hook ups between that and meeting me, some of them he described as torrid. I wanted to be married as I feel it is a commitment that shows that you are "it" for someone and it is the 2 of you against the world. I had a very unhappy marriage before but still believe in marriage, obviously. I now think he only did it to keep me quiet. It feels like I forced my desire for the commitment on to him and maybe he is now regretting it so is starting towards withdraw.
I have been crying all morning since he left. He asked me before he left for work if I was OK and I said I was fine. How do you tell your DH that you feel fat, ugly and frumpy because there does not seem to be a morsel of desire coming your way? I know if I bring it up he will say he has been tired cos of work and then he will instigate something but that will just be to shut me up. Or that is what it will feel like. I just don't know what to do. Do I stop trying to instigate it? Do I refuse his advances next time he makes them (I have never refused him because to me the sex is incredible and I am always in the mood)? Do I stop being accessible to him? At the minute my life revolves around his working hours. I haven't seen much of my friends and I make sure we have a kid free weekend at least once a month where we go somewhere. The last twice we have done this, there has been no sex. I feel like he only has sex when he needs to because he needs the physical release. I am now obsessing over his exes and whether he had better/constant sex with them (he did tell me a while back that he has never had sex so little in any relationship than he has in this one and when I questioned why he said because he is always tired but he has always worked long hours so that doesn't make sense).
In the cold light of day, if it was a friend of mine going through this I know I would be thinking she was being taken for a fool but I genuinely think he does love me and if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't be. Or is that naive? I do know I cannot continue living this half life with poor sleep, no sex and no self esteem.