Am I wrong to feel unsettled?

[finalchance]

Long story short, I am very recently married after a whirlwind relationship (been together just under 2 years). For me, he is all I have ever wanted. I was married before for a very long time to a narcissist and it feels great to be with someone who doesn't play games. We have 5 kids between us and he is a great dad to his kids and a great stepdad to mine. He works hard and had 3 jobs before we met. I earn a lot more than him from my job (I am self employed) and have encouraged him to dial down his working hours as he is constantly knackered and he doesn't need to work as much any more. I pay all the bills (my house, my ex-marital home, he is not on mortgage) including food. He pays the car loan, his own expenses (credit card, catalogue, child maintenance) and any discretionary spending such as holidays. I still pay for things like meals out and cinema etc. Tbh I probably pay for way more than I should but that is another story.

The issue I have is sex. Or lack of it. When we first met it was instant attraction for me, we seemed very compatible that way. I told him he was the best I ever hard, which is true. He has never said anything like that to me. When asked he said the sex was "good". He is almost 10 years younger than me (I am in my late 40s) and has been with a lot more sexual partners. When we lived apart I would see him most nights and we always had sex. Since he moved in last year, this has dwindled and I put it down to the kids always being around (mine are teenagers, his are too but don't live with him) and to the hours he worked. However over the last couple of months, there has been a drastic change. When we do have sex, it is very "samey", it doesn't last long and he seems to be just going through the motions. When I try to instigate it, he isn't interested. A few times he has woken me out of a sleep for sex (he has woken me and I have been up for it, he hasn't "preyed" on me whilst I am sleeping before anyone asks). The thing is, we haven't had sex for nearly 3 weeks now. We still cuddle and he tells me he loves me every day and is affectionate but there has been no sexual contact. I go to bed naked every night and I am wrapped around him and nothing. He would rather watch TV. I tried sexting yesterday and sent him some naughty pics at his work and he responded that he couldn't wait to get me into bed but when last night came there was no action again. He took me out for dinner and we had a nice night and he did say when we went to bed that he felt very stuffed but it was almost like he said it to let me know not to expect anything.

I am now convinced he just isn't attracted to me anymore. He tells me I look "nice" sometimes but has never looked at me like he couldn't wait to get his hands on me. I have gone from wearing the frumpiest jammies I could find and avoiding going to bed when I was with my ex so as to avoid his advances to practically throwing myself at my now DH and getting nowhere. It is eating away at my self esteem and after being rejected again last night, I feel very low and dejected this morning. I have asked him in the past about his lack of interest and he just keeps saying when he is tired he just doesn't feel horny. I kind of get this but when I think back to the start of our relationship, I would often see him after 11pm when he has finished his 3rd job and he was up for it then. Also if he isn't too tired to watch TV in bed then how can he be too tired for sex?

He stopped working his 3rd job when he moved in and has changed his main job but he hates it. He is going to cut back on his hours next month so that he doesn't have to work Saturday mornings and he can get his weekends back. We are exploring the possibility of him coming to work with me eventually so we can both have a better work life balance as we can share the load. He has always been the main breadwinner in previous relationships, sometimes the only breadwinner and has always put in the hours to provide for his kids. He doesn't need to do that now and I have encouraged him to slow down with work and actually have a life. He is now going to do that but will be swapping to a different shift and will be working til midnight every night and will be out working his 2nd job for a good few hours every day. So although there will be no weekend working I will see less of him - and there will be less chance of sex too due to the time he will get home at night. He does an early shift just now and is up at 4am every day so I get that he is tired at night but he often doesn't go to bed til after 10 or 11 and will just watch TV or be asleep after 10 mins. I work from the house. I get up with him every morning and prep his lunch and make him coffee and he does say thank you to me regularly for this, telling me he appreciates it as I don't need to do it. Sometimes I go back to bed once he is gone and sometimes I just start work.

I just don't know what to do - or what to think. Is it a case of marry in haste, repent at leisure? Does he see me as a meal ticket? He pays no rent, gets all meals provided, has been able to cut down on his working hours and is managing to put some savings aside for the first time in his adult life. I foot the bill for everything but then I offered this as the way I see it, the bills would need paying anyway whether he was here or not. And he did get car finance for me (ex destroyed my credit record but that is another story) and pays for it. Am I being needy and insecure to want to feel attractive and desired? He is not one for talking about his feelings. He is not one for romantic gestures although he brings me flowers randomly because "he loves to see me smile". He helps around the house and is great with the kids. I just can't shake the feeling that he is "settling" for what he sees as a good thing. The passion just isn't there. I see posts with MNers complaining that their other halves are constantly at them for sex and that was my experience with all my exes (all 4 of them) and I just feel something is missing with my DH. Marriage was my idea. He wasn't keen as didn't think it necessary and had been married before and it didn't end well (she cheated) but they had married as teenagers because she was pregnant. The serious relationships he has had since sound very toxic and the most recent serious one ended when she cheated. That was 4 years before we met. He had several short term and casual hook ups between that and meeting me, some of them he described as torrid. I wanted to be married as I feel it is a commitment that shows that you are "it" for someone and it is the 2 of you against the world. I had a very unhappy marriage before but still believe in marriage, obviously. I now think he only did it to keep me quiet. It feels like I forced my desire for the commitment on to him and maybe he is now regretting it so is starting towards withdraw.

I have been crying all morning since he left. He asked me before he left for work if I was OK and I said I was fine. How do you tell your DH that you feel fat, ugly and frumpy because there does not seem to be a morsel of desire coming your way? I know if I bring it up he will say he has been tired cos of work and then he will instigate something but that will just be to shut me up. Or that is what it will feel like. I just don't know what to do. Do I stop trying to instigate it? Do I refuse his advances next time he makes them (I have never refused him because to me the sex is incredible and I am always in the mood)? Do I stop being accessible to him? At the minute my life revolves around his working hours. I haven't seen much of my friends and I make sure we have a kid free weekend at least once a month where we go somewhere. The last twice we have done this, there has been no sex. I feel like he only has sex when he needs to because he needs the physical release. I am now obsessing over his exes and whether he had better/constant sex with them (he did tell me a while back that he has never had sex so little in any relationship than he has in this one and when I questioned why he said because he is always tired but he has always worked long hours so that doesn't make sense).

In the cold light of day, if it was a friend of mine going through this I know I would be thinking she was being taken for a fool but I genuinely think he does love me and if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't be. Or is that naive? I do know I cannot continue living this half life with poor sleep, no sex and no self esteem.

Do less. Less is more in this case as looks like he is taking you for granted. Give him more opportunities to contribute financially and to "chase" you again romantically/sexually.

In the meantime, try to focus on yourself, get busy with your own stuff, lift yourself up, stay nice but put some slight distance between you two, and see if that changes his attitude and appreciation for you.

If it does not, maybe it is time to reassess this marriage.

You sound as if you have low self esteem issues and need your husband to almost over compensate. You might need to work on yourself in this regard as there is always going to be a limit to what another person can do. He may not realise you have this issue. He also may be relaxing into things, so being more himself, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

I’d imagine he might be a bit emasculated by the finances thing too. It’s easy enough to accept a free ride but in the longer term it probably isn’t doing all that much for his self esteem and the bedroom is where such issues can be most obvious.

I do think you need to revisit the finances. Not necessarily because he sees you as a meal ticket, but because this kind of situation can feel unbalanced, which may affect other areas of the relationship. It's possible that he is feeling emasculated as a pp mentioned. I definitely don't think it's a good idea for him to come and work with you and I would put the brakes on that idea.

Remember, it is possible that he just has a relatively low sex drive and that's the only issue here. Would that be a big problem for you?

Actually I think you would be good candidates for couples counselling or a marriage course. Because the main thing here is that you need to improve your communication. Would you both consider that?

I think it is a combination of things.

He doesn’t like his job and he works long hours. Despite this he may still be feeling emasculated because you pay the bills. But he may feel shit about feeling like that because he knows that we live in modern times.

But you also need to have a life, spend time with friends and not be hanging about for him all the time. He may also need some space and relax time.

if I’m tired I’m more likely to want to relax and watch the than have sex.

Most people have more sex at the beginning of a relationship than when living together.

He didn’t marry you for a meal ticket because you’re the one who wanted to get married.

I think you need to talk to him. Maybe discuss him changing jobs? I’d be a bit wary of having him work for you as some people don’t work well together and you would be his boss. Unless he’s very good at what he does and would be an asset and you wouldn’t need to be his boss. What does he do?

It could be you are over thinking this op and this is a specifically a sex related thing rather than an overall relationship isdue. Maybe it's that you are too available and always up for it, I don't mean this as a criticism and I don't pretend to be an expert , but many men ike a bit of a chase.

Esther Perel, the pyschologist, talks a lot about the tension between the need for security (love, belonging and closeness) and the need for freedom (erotic desire, adventure and distance) in human relationships.

She says that eroticism comes from us as individuals rather than it being a shared state between two people. So maybe you could be focusing too much on your DH ATM and you need to focus on yourself a bit more? Or maybe he is not feeling as desirable as he once did in his own mind because you are doing so much for him?

From Esther Perel's website:
"I turn myself off when…I check email before bed; when I worry about the kids; when I stress about work or the state of my finances; when I overeat or don't exercise; when I don't take care of myself.” (This could apply to your dh.) Notice that, in this list, there is very little that is specifically sexual. What turns us off are the things that sap the energy and liveliness out of us."

"We turn ourselves on when we energize ourselves, when we are embodied and focused, this doesn't mean necessarily sexually, but when we feel fulfilled, curious, open, interested in the world around us and feel we deserve some self care."

He's moved in. You have five kids between you. It's not surprising that the sex is not the same as when you were dating! Also of course, the fact that you are married !ay be playing sub-consciously on his mind given that his ex cheated. I don't know why you or other posters would think that he is taking you for a ride when it was your idea to get married in the first place and he was reluctant to do so. That seems a bit of an unfair assumption!

I would take the pressure of him a bit op. Go out and start a new hobby. Stop the analysis. Focus your mind on other things you enjoy. Don't over crowd him. Or over analyse, jyou have already said he is constantly knackered, just do some things that make you feel good! I wouldn't personally talk to him about this ATM as it will make him feel more pressured. Go and see your friends. And on that weekend a month when you are kid free , go out and don't tell him where and don't be so available! And see what happens!

Sorry my long waffly post could be summarised in one sentence really "go out and get your self esteem from a source other than your husband". Sorry if that sounds harsh. You are obviously very upset and disappointed by your current situation. But maybe that's bc you are putting too much in to it and you subconsciously expect too much "payback". The pp is spot on! Do less! Please yourself more!

I've just re read your OP and picked up on the fact that you get up at 4am to make him coffee and lunch. Is that really true? And that you've stopped seeing much of your friends. It sounds like you're turning yourself into a bit of a doormat in your desperation to please him and to make this work. I think you need to work on your self esteem OP and find ways of valuing yourself that don't relate to him finding you sexually attractive.

I think you should tell him you're unhappy and go see a counsellor / therapist together. Much easier to sort out emotive topics like sex with a third person (who's heard it all before professionally) in the room

Also, saying "if he's not to tired to watch TV in bed then how can he be too tired for sex" is a strange thing for you to say. It takes much less energy (both physical and mental) to watch TV than have sex.

Maybe the problem is that he hates his main job and it's just making him miserable and not in the mood? It might be the stress of it making him feel constantly exhausted. Could he go back to his old job or look for something new? When your job makes you miserable it affects all areas of your life I'd say.

I think you’ve got into an unhelpful pattern where you’re trying to make his life easier by paying for everything and allowing him to reduce his huge numbers of work hours, with the idea (possibly entirely unconsciously) that he will naturally use the extra time and leisure to have sex with you, if that makes sense. And for whatever reason it’s not turning out like that, and it’s making you resent him financially. I agree with others that there’s an imbalance in the relationship, and that you should revisit finances etc to redress things. I’d actually rethink him working for you, too — I think that’s more of the same impulse.

Jesus @Endlesslypatient82 - nominative determinism didn't pay a visit to your house, did it? What are you getting out of needling an already distressed poster, for no fucking reason at all?

If you're married to him, then surely he has a right to all your assets (even if he isn't on the mortgage and these assets are from a previous marriage, etc.)? Don't let him leave jobs or whatever- in the event of marital breakdown, he'll be seen as the financially needy party and may be awarded maintenance from you. Get your ducks in a row as they say.

We are exploring the possibility of him coming to work with me eventually so we can both have a better work life balance as we can share the load.

DO NOT DO THIS.

You have already mummied this man to within an inch of his life.

You have moved him in to your gaff, allowed him to live off you, facilitated him working less, get up at stupid o'clock to pack a lunch for him ... FFS you have even married him, so now he is shackled to your assets & it could cost you a great deal of money if you wanted to separate.

In all your long post you have not mentioned TALKING to him about the sexual incompatibility. Why not? It might uncover solid reasons for his recent reluctance.
However - it also might not.
And I don't think it's this issue - I think it's the thing you are hanging your worries on, because you are too busy being enmeshed & codependent to have a look at what the real problems are.

You didn't need to marry this man. What you needed was therapy - to discover why your self esteem is so lacking that your approach to having a relationship with this man is to baby him & provide for him.

I do know I cannot continue living this half life with poor sleep, no sex and no self esteem.
Well done.
It is unacceptable - probably for him too. He may well feel emasculated by the current set-up. I suspect that you have some deep rooted issues stemming from your early life which have caused you to devalue yourself & thus offer far, far too much in relationships. Do you feel insecure unless you are totally needed - are you maybe a 'rescuer'?
The best thing you can do for yourself int he short term is to stop thinking about your husband's needs, stop pandering to him at your own expense, & start thinking about your own needs for a change. Get a therapist, have an initial session with several if the first one doesn't feel right to you, & start exploring why you have tteated your husband like a child. It reads like you are massively insecure - & this is hardly your fault, but it has led to a messed up marital dynamic which clearly isn;t making either of you happy.

One of the unfortunate legacies of being in a long term abusive relationship is that when you find yourself with a decent man the sense of relief is so enormous that there is a temptation to jump in feet first without finding out if you are truly compatible.

I'm thinking of the sentence in your OP that he's all you've ever wanted. That's a lot of pressure to put on a person.

Your DH may seem to be in an enviable position, with you providing for his every need, but I wonder if he feels the weight of your need for this relationship to be perfect, and that is affecting his sexual desire.

I agree with @KettrickenSmiled that you would benefit from therapy.

Some questions to help you clarify your own thoughts:

What is your emotional relationship with sex?
What were your first encounters with sex? What did you learn from that?
How does the abundance of sex or lack of it affect how you see/value yourself as a person?

If the sex were on point, would you be generally happy with the relationship?
If the sex remained as it is now, once every three weeks or so, could you be content in the relationship?
Would you be with someone who gave you more sex, but wasn’t as good in other areas?

Are you generally happy with needing the amount of sex you need? Has this caused problems in the past? If it did, is that something you’d thought about resolving with a therapist or otherwise?

To the poster who says he now owns half the house as they are married no he doesn’t, and after a short marriage it’s likely both would leave with that rhey entered with

op I actually wonder if your neediness is unattractive to him? It seems you’ve changed somewhat..

you now don’t see friends, you just hang around waiting for him and have little to no independent life other than your work, which even that you’re thinking of including him
you pretty much pay for him, house him and are even considering giving him a job
you never say no to sex and get into bed naked every night and wind yourself round him.

that sort of clingy ness and neediness can be a right turn off , if my husband acted like this I would feel suffocated which is a normal reaction

I think you need to get back to you. The whole neediness and clingy thing is what could be killing it.

Don’t feed the troll x

Her tone was disrespectful and added to my feelings of low self worth. Our kids are absolutely fine and are, in fact, thriving in a very safe, peaceful home where they can be themselves without fear of humiliation which is what my ex did to them.

I asked for opinions and the majority have been worded kindly and even if I don't like what is being said, at least I don't feel judged and disrespected.

How old are your kids? As I think this would have an impact on what I think the best next steps could be.

OP, with the greatest respect you sound very co-dependant, insecure and rather needy and suffocating and this could well be driving your DH away.

Two years isn’t actually that long to have got to know someone and marry them, especially if you’re managing 5 kids lives and FT work during that time frame.

Why are you doing so much to ‘make his life easier’? Being supportive doesn’t mean you need to pay for everything, get up at 4am, make all his meals, do all this future ‘thinking’ for him.

It sounds to me like you need to engage with some therapy and start spending more time seeing friends, having other hobbies and working on your self esteem and not waiting for him to validate your every move.

Thank you, I appreciate your input.

He has no claim on the house at all, other than a very small % of any rise in value since he moved in. A legal agreement was drawn up and sorted before we married. Similarly my Will ensures my kids get all of what is rightfully theirs if I die before him. I love him but I am not blinded by it.

Thank you 💕

The prospect of having sex with his mother is apt to put a man off - and that's what you've enabled yourself to become to him.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply to my post. I have had a sleep, gotten some nice food and been for a swim and am now feeling more on an even keel.

I have had therapy. Truckloads of it spanning over decades and lots of different types. I know what my issues are and where they come from. The biggest problem I have is feeling that if I mention being unhappy with something I am worried it will end badly for me. I won't go into it but an abusive childhood has left me pretty damaged. And yes, I am a "rescuer". And I have been told I am co-dependent by more than one therapist.

I didn't suddenly stop seeing friends when we married or when we met. Covid restrictions changed a lot for a lot of people and I actually don't live close to my friends. Most have kids and the ones who don't have stressful jobs and travel a lot so getting diaries matched up to meet is difficult.

My work life balance is awful and I have stopped taking care of myself. I need to take some steps to sort that and schedule my time better. Exercise, healthy eating and regular massages and time spent in the outdoors have always made me feel better but I currently do none of these so that needs to change.

I am going to talk with my husband properly about things. I will ask if he feels emasculated and ask if he would feel better if he contributed more to the household. I will also ask if he wants me to stop "mothering" him in the mornings but, to be fair, I am up at that time 90% of the time anyway and always have been, it isn't something I have just started doing since meeting him.

I feel better prepared to have a talk to him (even though it will take me way out of my comfort zone) after reading all your responses, so thank you.