How to leave a wonderful man

[ValancyRedfern]

Has anyone worked up the courage to leave a wonderful man who they're just not in love with? I should have split up with him years ago (in fact I tried many times and always either bottled out or was persuaded out of it), but here we are with an 8yo dd and about to buy a house. I've never felt like there's enough of a reason to split, but equally I get so sad for bouts of about 4 months at a time (once or twice a year) where I am just devastated that I've let my life slip away like this.

It's occurred to me that we could sell our current flat but pull out of buying the house and go our separate ways this summer. Cue total panic and not sleeping with the anxiety that I might actually do this. But how can I do it without destroying him? And how can we find homes close enough together to have 50/50 care of dd (we have both been equal carers from day 1)? It just all seems impossible and I wonder if I should wait 10 years till dd leaves home. We get on well and when I'm in a good phase we have decent, although not that frequent, sex. I just feel so desperately sad about it all.

God, I’ve made an almost identical post to this!

I don’t have the answers, but you aren’t alone with it. I also wonder if I should wait another 12 years for my youngest to be 18. Long time though.

It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one to have got myself into this situation! My only current solution is a time machine...

Oh yes. Right there with you.
I’d also like a time machine.
I am very depressed.

I genuinely think one of the reasons I stayed with him was because I couldn't cope with hurting his feelings. Even when I tried to break up only a few weeks in. I have serious people pleasing issues! And yet here I am considering up- ending up entire life. He know how I'm feeling as well as I can't stop crying. So the avoiding hurting his feelings thing was a spectacular own goal! does your partner know how you're feeling?

This is exactly what has happened to me. Childhood abuse has made me a massive people pleaser so I have been unable to face it as despite being miserable.

Gosh this is so hard. But I’m in the same situation too.
I’ma massive people pleaser and tried a few times to leave (even way before children etc) but was persuaded to stay.

I keep imagining/pretending in my head that I’m 10 years older and feeling the exact same. Gosh I don’t want to waste another 10 years feeling this way, as I’ll be quite old then 😔

It's going to be really hard but ultimately better in the long run than you bring absolutely miserable for long bouts.

Try to turn it around - if you truly want him to be happy he needs to not be with you, he needs to be with someone who loves the bones of him and he can have a truly fulfilling relationship with. You also deserve this opportunity, if that's what you want for yourself.

I think you need some really honest conversations, be prepared for things to be shit for a while, try to find some individual counselling to help deal with your issues, and ride it out. If he's a decent man and a good dad, once the storm has died down you will hopefully have managed to salvage a good working coparenting relationship.

Ditto. It's reassuring to see I'm not the only one in this boat.

I'm going to throw a curveball here and that if your lives are practically working well and you get on why leave ? Just a thought but think how much extra pressure you will put on yourselves, childcare , financial , possible loneliness , emotional , life admin etc etc . The grass isn't always greener and a life ' friend ' could be better than no one to support you .
However if you hate your partner or he's abusive then obviously make moves to leave but for just one aspect of a ' sadness ' I'm not sure I'd disrupt everyone's lives .

Thanks everyone for posting. It's great not to feel so alone. Thanks for your advice dangerous I think you're right. I just can't face up to it.

I did this. I left him and it destroyed him. But he's happily remarried now apparently.

I did assume we'd have a friendly relationship afterwards for the children but, in actual fact, he was so upset that he never saw the children again and cut off all contact. They were only toddlers at the time, adults now, and they've never seen him.

You do have a time machine. It only works forward though.

It means your future hasn’t been written yet. No one’s has! Your future is whatever you make it. So make it a good one!

I stayed for the kids when I had a cast iron reason to end it. Now I’ve got no reason to go (yes, I know I don’t need a reason).
So I’d say don’t wait, or you might end up staying and wish you’d gone.

Perhaps it's the way you've worded it but what is causing your terrible sadness?

we get on well, have decent sex when I'm in a good phase, he's a wonderful man..
Am I missing something? What is a "good phase"? Do you think you might have bouts of cyclical depression?

What do you imagine love to look like in a long term relationship?

Do you think that moving out and sharing custody will solve your low mood?

That's a tough situation. But I think if you're unhappy, you should do something about it and maybe really break up and work together to find a way to make it work for your DD. Sorry you're going through this...

It's interesting that you haven't said, in your OP, why you think the issue is the relationship.

What is it about being with him that you think is leading to the bouts of sadness?

I thought this too. OP, have you spoken to a doctor? Are you positive it’s this relationship that’s making you so sad?

@ValancyRedfern Can you list the reasons you are not getting what you want from this relationship?
Are the problems within you or with him?
What is fixable? Baby - bathwater and all that.
Is there something you need that if you only asked you might be able to change in your relationship - are there issues you just haven't raised with him that he is completely unaware of - or unmet needs that he just doesn't appreciate are so important to you that it's making you unhappy and causing you to consider ending the relationship?
Is it that you think the grass is greener elsewhere - have you got unrealistic expectations - how much relationship experience do you have?
Are you a down to earth pragmatic realist or something of a detached dreamer?
If you can't define the exact nature of the problem - I'd be asking why have you come to the conclusion that you splitting is the only or best solution?
Have you had a chance to talk this through in detail with anyone - would a counsellor help? You may well know and understand the reasons you want to split - but you here to talk about it but AFAICT just haven't explained anything in your OP.

Thank you for all the really interesting questions. Fundentally what's wrong is that I don't fancy him and have never been in love with him. I do also have depression, and always have, so I think that muddles things. When we met I was very low and he didn't make me happy and I blamed it on the depression, but now I think he just didn't make me happy. Generally my bouts of sadness are prompted by something to do with love or sex. E.g. this one started after watching a Nowegian drama where a young woman realised she didn't want to marry the man she was engaged to and called it off at the last minute. I have a real visceral desire to be that woman! I also can't cope with weddings or anything about romantic love as they upset me so much. I guess I feel like it's this club most adults are in, having been in (requited) love, and I have only ever been somewhere between mildly sad and extremely depressed. If I want even the slightest opportunity to experience love I feel I need to split up.

I think Dangerous is giving good advice. If you have never loved him as you say you should really set him free. Your life is built on a fiction from what you are saying and you have 2 options: 1) play your roles of 'happily united couple raising child together' for a good solid chunk of your life until you deem the time right to give up the facade (perhaps when dd is older). Or 2) do it now. I suppose there is 3) Live the lie until one of you dies.
If you decide to hold on until your dd is an adult or whatever please don't ever tell him his whole life has been a lie. 😥
If he loves you and has made serious life choices based on the fact he believed you freely returned that love, it really isn't right to keep on letting him keep doing that, if someone did that to your dd you would rightly not be happy.
If this is a mutually created situation in that he was aware his feelings weren't reciprocated but was so afraid to lose you he persuaded you to stick with him and in your vulnerable state you didn't push back against this enough, then at least, in part, he has orchestrated this situation, so it's not all on you.
Either way though, it seems unrealistic to keep up the pretence.
Surely an honest conversation should be had at the very least, so he can understand his position and start making choices based on honest truth.

I think it's very easy to say why not stay- but unfortunately if you don't actually fancy them particularly , then the chances are sex at some points will be an expected part of being married and feeling you've got to have sex with someone you don't feel 100% about is somewhat soul destroying.

You're not being fair to him. You don't fancy him and have never been in love with him. He deserves someone who feels both those things for him. You should leave.

I think you should have some counselling first to explore your feelings a bit more. You sound depressed and are you sure leaving your husband and only having your dc half the time + the impact on them will make you happier? It doesn’t sound like it to me. Why did you marry him?

I guess it depends what your understanding and expectations of love are. This will be different for everyone.

Personally, I think it's rare to meet someone you fancy, who's funny, smart, attentive, patient, adventurous, wants the same things as you at the same time as you etc. Then grow older with them, have children with them, and keep that level of attraction, love and unity. In films maybe but not in real life. I think over time love normally changes to friendship, albeit with occasional sex and cuddles. I think trust, reliability, laughter, honesty, openness and shared history are so much more important in a life partner. But that's me of course.

Have you had therapy OP? Before throwing away a fairly successful marriage (albeit it doesn't feel like one to you), I would have some time to explore your history. What you value. Where you want your life to lead.

You owe it to your daughter, before turning her world upside down, to be sure of your decision either way. And to tackle your depression the best you can. Then, if you are still sure you want things to end, you'll be in a stronger position to do it.

If you end things now, with doubt still looming, you may regret it. And with children involved, it's not a great mistake to make.

Perhaps be honest with him. Tell him that you're having doubts about the relationship but you're not sure if it's the relationship or depression speaking and would like some therapy before buying a place. Sell your flat, rent and see how you get in over the course of 6 months.

I've done it.
Or in the process of.
We don't hate each other but everything he does drives me absolutely mad and I can't imagine being 40/50/60 sat listening to him wittering on and on.
I've read a lot about Co parenting and how it can or can't work. I've looked at bird nesting I think it's called as well as other scenarios. Due to the current climate we probably can't live apart right now but I've made this decision now where we are still amicable and can do the best for our children rather than 2 or 3 years down the line where we hate each other's guts.
The boundaries are hard as we still have to eat, sleep, do laundry in the same space but daily conversations and activities are based on the children only. You have to decide what you want long term and take the step in the right direction.
You might find he feels the same and is just figuring out how to tell you...... with men I find the relationship is convenient though and they don't like to rock the boat whilst their needs are being met- even if yours aren't.
DM me if you want to chat.
I'm figuring it out too.