How to leave a wonderful man

[ValancyRedfern]

Has anyone worked up the courage to leave a wonderful man who they're just not in love with? I should have split up with him years ago (in fact I tried many times and always either bottled out or was persuaded out of it), but here we are with an 8yo dd and about to buy a house. I've never felt like there's enough of a reason to split, but equally I get so sad for bouts of about 4 months at a time (once or twice a year) where I am just devastated that I've let my life slip away like this.

It's occurred to me that we could sell our current flat but pull out of buying the house and go our separate ways this summer. Cue total panic and not sleeping with the anxiety that I might actually do this. But how can I do it without destroying him? And how can we find homes close enough together to have 50/50 care of dd (we have both been equal carers from day 1)? It just all seems impossible and I wonder if I should wait 10 years till dd leaves home. We get on well and when I'm in a good phase we have decent, although not that frequent, sex. I just feel so desperately sad about it all.

Valancy "It's dispiriting to go back to counselling again but maybe it's needed"

or maybe, crack on with life, enjoy what you have. Don't keep chasing something that might not be there.

i'm on medication for life but I definitely think mine is clinical. My life is good. Alas, if I stop taking the pills, I don't see it that way.

I'm not making a judgement, if you think you need to leave, you are the best judge. But think carefully. You sound all over the shop atm.

You have a family with a good man who stands by you when you're struggling.

But what you want is to be in love.

Being in love is sometimes great, sometimes not and not a good indicator of whether the relationship is going to be a positive one in the long term.

You state he doesn't make you happy. The reality is no one can make you happy, you have to do this yourself. It doesn't sound like you were happy before him and I'd predict if you leave to look for someone else to make you happy you'll continue to be unhappy.

Because your unhappiness is rooted in you and the feelings you have and the fantasies you are attached to.

Love can be a choice. It's also an action. You could choose to work on enjoying the life you have: a good man and a child. How wonderful. Or chasing a passing emotional experience you are relying on to solve your issues.

You seem to want a romantic story: realising finally what a wonderful man you have and how lucky you are, and finally falling in love with him and letting go of the fantasy, and becoming happy, that would be a romantic story.

Don't throw away something good for a fantasy.

It sounds a lot like your depression is preventing you feel love or sexual desire and always has done.

I strongly suspect that you would be unable to feel this with anyone else either.

I don’t think splitting up will make you happier, probably the opposite.

That in love feeling only lasts about 18 months. I started off all set to say just tell him you want to leave.

But got side-tracked by all the couples so convinced that you must be depressed not to want a good man.

But then I thought, part of the depression is that you haven't had a chance to be yourself, please yourself, tune in to yourself. I think all of that is easier when you're on your own.

I'm a single parent and it's been hard at times but easier than being with my awufl x. Obviously you wouldn't have that comparison but being the single parent to one eight year old who has a ''wonderful man'' for a father is not going to be a descent to poverty is it?

I would advise the polar opposite. Someone can be the nicest person in the world, but if the spark isn’t there, it just isn’t there. I know I personally would rather be single for the rest of my life than in a loveless companionship that I felt was denying me the opportunity to meet someone I did have fireworks with. For me it would lead to resentment and actively disliking the person even if they’d done absolutely nothing wrong. I’ve ended relationships with people who were lovely because I stopped fancying them and I don’t regret it.

If you know you’ve never loved or fancied him OP then you know deep down splitting is best for both of you. You both deserve a chance to meet someone you do love and fancy (and who reciprocates it) and even if that never happens and you say single at least you’ll have freedom from this dynamic that sounds like it’s becoming more oppressive as time goes on.

I don’t think anyone can guarantee they’ll love and fancy someone forever - but that’s why I’d never get married. If I start feeling like that I want to be able to leave easily. I don’t believe a forever relationship where the passion and love has gone, but bumbles along on the basis of convenience, familiarity and platonic friendship is desirable or something to aim for.

Also I would add that if he keeps talking you out of breaking up with him he isn’t respectful of your feelings. Breaking up isn’t a democracy. It’s quite manipulative to talk someone mentally vulnerable into staying with you.

OP didn't say that
she said "he chooses to stay". Maybe you and I interpreted it differently though.

In earlier posts she said she’d tried to break up with him after only dating him for a few weeks, and that she’d tried several times again later but “bottled it” or was talked round.

OP I'm in a very similar situation! One DD, eight years in, we even had a civil partnership last year despite me knowing deep down I don't love him.

Have you explored the idea that he, as an attachment figure, is "safe" and therefore = boring, unloveable, due to your childhood trauma? Perhaps your unconcious idea of love is flawed? Why do you not love him, do you think?

However sometimes you just don't fancy someone! You could try doing adrenaline high activities together that could kick start a chemical bond to him.. Or some new dates/sex stuff? The dating world is full of weirdos.

This is a really good point, and I guess you must have been over some of this in counselling? do you know what your attachment style is?
Is there any fondness/ affection/ friendship there at all? are there qualities that you like/ admire about him? I'm a big believer that love can be a slow burner and needs to be worked on - but this isn't the fairy tale we're sold.

I’m not convinced that a man who knows you aren’t happy, and ‘persuaded’ you to stay when you tried to end it is all that wonderful.

Love doesn't "make you happy". New love can give you an endorphin buzz that papers over depression for a year or two. Then it inevitably wears off, and there you still are, except now you blame the relationship for failing to lift a load that no relationship can.

i was all ready to say leave, life is too short to settle. But I also suspect that this has a lot to do with your mental health.

Well I guess the differing viewpoints on this thread have at least reassured this is a difficult decision! To those who've asked how I got into this situation. I went out with him initially aged 23 because I thought it was about time I had a boyfriend and he seemed nice enough. I never planned to stay but through various upheavals I got more and more reliant on him, although I also managed to avoid living in the same city as him for 6 years, so I was always pulling g in both directions. Every time I saw evidence I didn't love or fancy him it upset me, but I put so much effort into quashing that feeling. I really don't know why. I also spent hours with therapists and friends discussing whether or not I should stay with him, almost from day 1. I also did a couple of mumsnet posts e.g. one entitled 'is settling always a bad thing?' The consensus was yes but I did it anyway.... I've basically been 'making' this decision for 18 years.

We did split up for a bit but this was after dd so we spent so much time together with her it seemed a bit pointless. (Sorry this is a dripfeed. I should have mentioned earlier). I thought it would be different after some time apart but it's the same. Dp's argument is I came back so I'm no happier separate. I do have OCD around decisions (actually diagnosed, not metaphorical) so I always think I've made the wrong decisions and 'remake' it obsessively. Which abviouy hasn't helped this situation! Most decisions reach a time limit eventually, but this could go on until death as dp will never break up with me. I think if I were to split up again we'd need to be really strict about no time together at all, just handing over dd. We'd need to be really strict with ourselves.

He gave everything to his marriage, everything - but do what she did and you are playing with people's lives, and that has consequences, sometimes tragically. And she did it without consideration for anybody else.

Why did you go back? Spending time with someone is not the same as being in a relationship with them and you didn't actually need to spend time all together as a family.

There's a lot going on here but it's going on with you rather than in the relationship. In it or out of it, I don't think you're going to get anywhere unless and until you get your own head straighter.

What treatment for your mental health are you having at the moment?

This sounds like a miserable way to live.

You could choose gratitude for a good man, aim to love him and relish the lovely family unit you have together to provide for your child.

But I think it sounds like the chances of you doing that are zero.

You've been prevaricating for 18years, talking endlessly about it, torturing him with your indecision while you ponder your own emotional state endlessly for years.

Leave him. Be miserable and self absorbed on your own.

Or choose to actively love what you have. Not what you wished for, but the reality of the good things life has brought you. Put this good man and your child above your own endless emotional temperature taking and devote yourself to the people in life who love you and need you.

Shifting focus outside yourself to a greater purpose is one of the best things for depression. I

But it sounds like you won't choose that. After 18 years you're still wondering about how you feel and all your own personality quirks that mean you just can't commit.

If only you'd got just what you wanted, instead of just a wonderful man and a child, what to do??

So leave. Spend the next 20 years experimenting with dating to find your true love, and discussing it endlessly with a therapist. But go and live out your self absorbtion on your own instead of painfully playing with this 'wonderful' man.

Well said BeatricePortinari beautifully put.

Wow your ex is brutal