How to leave a wonderful man

[ValancyRedfern]

Has anyone worked up the courage to leave a wonderful man who they're just not in love with? I should have split up with him years ago (in fact I tried many times and always either bottled out or was persuaded out of it), but here we are with an 8yo dd and about to buy a house. I've never felt like there's enough of a reason to split, but equally I get so sad for bouts of about 4 months at a time (once or twice a year) where I am just devastated that I've let my life slip away like this.

It's occurred to me that we could sell our current flat but pull out of buying the house and go our separate ways this summer. Cue total panic and not sleeping with the anxiety that I might actually do this. But how can I do it without destroying him? And how can we find homes close enough together to have 50/50 care of dd (we have both been equal carers from day 1)? It just all seems impossible and I wonder if I should wait 10 years till dd leaves home. We get on well and when I'm in a good phase we have decent, although not that frequent, sex. I just feel so desperately sad about it all.

I was thinking this too.

I have had A&D for years. One of the key parts of depression is wanting to change your job, your home, your partner. It can take some unravelling to work out if something internal or external is making you unhappy.

If you had no sense of being in love or fancying him, then the good times wouldn't happen? Only you know if you are doing a hell of a job deceiving yourself in those times.

You then go on to mention love depicted on TV. How realistic are you being?
Are you confusing the dopamine of infatuation with love?

@MissFlimpkin if you don’t mind me asking, how do the living arrangements work? Who sleeps where? I’ve been looking into bird nesting too but it seems to have its disadvantages. It’s all very difficult.

Very difficult I know. Luckily we have a spare room - so we usually take it in turns to have the 'comfy' bed depending on who's working/ most tired/ Ill. But honestly even if we didn't - were at a stage where bed is for sleeping. End of.
As I said I think this is going to be easier because we don't yet hate each other, for example if we swap beds I'm not desperate to clean the covers in between but had we got to hating each other obv that makes it different.
I'd rather have just my own space, that's clean, with just me but who can change a bed everyday or 2 - nope.

I'd give myself a time limited chance to try therapy and then reassess at that point. That's to say, for six months - agree a 'separation' which means no sex, no couple stuff (or even move out if that is feasible). In that time, have weekly therapy to get to the bottom of the depression. When the 6 months are up, have a very honest appraisal of my feelings. With luck, you'll be clearer.

If I was advising my daughter or best friend I would tell her to get help or more help with her mental health because it sounds like it might be bipolar with these regular once or twice a year 4 months stretches of despair and I would tell her that love is not enough to make a relationship successful. Plenty love each other but are toxic to one another and don't parent well. I would tell her that marriage is a commitment and being "in love" is not necessary for a successful partnership and a solid marriage. I would tell her that having a good man is worth his weight in diamonds and gold and that the grass isn't really greener.

I just don't think separation is going to give you that peace and happiness you seek. It's not a magic wand to fix your feelings about how your life turned out because it's something that should come from within you and I suspect your mental health isn't helping. I can imagine a future post saying how OLD is terrible, how this new partner has messed you around, how you feel low with bills to pay and how you ended up a single parent and this is not how you wanted your life to be like and how your ex has moved on meanwhile you're struggling.... etc.

My point is that if you have these half glass full / it's not fair patterns of thinking, self pity and poor me and this isn't how my life was meant to be (entitlement) then you will still find something to be unhappy about only then you will have definite reasons for them such as money worries, blended family dramas and single parenthood of a child who will soon be a teen.

Appreciate what you have, Life rarely turns out as planned and just because it's different it doesn't necessarily make it terrible.

I'm not sure choosing him and staying is because you are a people pleaser. It might have been out of fear and insecurity. In any case, I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do.

Crikey! A bit dramatic from him but maybe that reaffirms he wasn't the person for you if he couldn't even bother to raise his children.

Every day you don't leave him because you don't want to hurt him/up end his life, it will hurt more and be more disruptive when you finally do it, which you should, and you will.

Fundentally what's wrong is that I don't fancy him and have never been in love with him
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You have my sympathy, op. This was exactly how I felt in my first relationship, I got out after just under 2 years together, he was planning to propose which still makes me shudder today, 12 years later.
I know you want to stay together for your daughter but ultimately if you do, It's unfair on both of you. You really need to leave, as once you get the house, it'll be ten times harder and more complicated. Your daughter also needs a mum who is happy, not unhappy a good portion of the year. Of course it'll be difficult at first, it was for me too, but I got through it, enjoyed the short time single then met a man I did fancy and love 6 months later, we're still together today.

Sit down with him, tell him the truth, and leave him.
He deserves to be with someone who loves him and fancies him.

@OldTinHat Awful. No excuse for not seeing his poor children.

Mind you @OldTinHat , if he's that much of a twat maybe they're better off without him.

If you're talking about the film The Worst Person In The World, I'd defy anyone who watches this not to feel some connection with the main character, or want to be her...It had a huge impact on me, It resonates because we see us getting older and wondering if we met our expectations of life...which we generally don't (imho). What do you want from life? It doesn't' sound as though you've found the big love affair - and this sounds important to you.. it could be found somewhere, and it could be out there, but you never know....At the end of the film what did you want the main character to do?

So many thoughtful and kind responses. Thank you. No time for more now but I really appreciate all of your thoughts.

I also would also suggest that you might be underestimating the effects of depression having seen the positive effect from a relatively short period of time that my daughter was on a low dose of a mild antidepressant.

Difficult isn't it? - life - all these decisions.

I'm already on anti- depressants and I've had more counselling than hot dinners (probably literally since I also have an eating disorder). It's dispiriting to go back to counselling again but maybe it's needed. Just so sick of spending a fortune to get someone to tell me I'm sad because because my mum was sad and my dad was sexually inappropriate.

I guess all I want is to be normal. Fall in love, get married, have babies, live happily ever after. Unfortunately the choices I've made (to stay with a man I don't love) have precluded that, so I need to decide if I want safety or freedom with the attendant risks and rewards.

(Dp is and always has been fully aware of my feelings. He always chooses to stay. A triumph of hope over experience...)

I feel sympathy for your situation.

I would be worried in your that you leave to chase romance, upskittle your family, then not find the dream romance and wish you had stayed put, at least in the short term.

Marriage can be a drudge at times, but if you still get on well and he's a good Dad maybe it's not for the best in the long run? I do understand all the life's too short comments too though.

It would be different if you had fallen for someone else, there would be "an excuse", but chasing a romantic dream could end up in heartache for all concerned.

Could you fill your head/time with a new focus or job?

I think Op in all honesty- only leave if you genuinely would be happy on your own and not rushing to have another relationship quickly- or if ever. I'm in that position , but I know many women who wouldn't be

What’s in your life other than your DP and DD? Do you have a good circle of friends, a job that you enjoy and hobbies? If the answer to any of those questions is No, I would be working there first before ending your relationship. I think your idea of marriage, babies and happily ever after is quite naive if I’m being honest. I unquestionably love my DH but goodness, the day-in-day-out of married life with jobs, commutes, mortgages, bills, ageing parents and DC can be really difficult and stale. I think going in too any relationship with the expectations you have will lead to disappointment.

Exactly the same as my brother.

It damn near destroyed him too. Eventually, we had to step in and he spent a year on the family farm in Dorset. Thankfully, with a lot of fresh air, care, and attention he was able to rejoin the human race. But he wasn't the same person. He put all his time and effort into rebuilding his business, and with remarkable commercial success.

Resolutely solo, and no longer resident in this country, he never saw his ex-wife or kids again. They must be teenagers by now.

I too felt like this and split with my husband and lived to regret it. I have had great passion with others but always ended up in abusive relationships and both myself and tbf my kids have suffered. All for chasing a dream. I'm nearly 60 and alone and wish I'd have worked through it. The grass isn't always greener.

Personally, I think it's rare to meet someone you fancy, who's funny, smart, attentive, patient, adventurous, wants the same things as you at the same time as you etc. Then grow older with them, have children with them, and keep that level of attraction, love and unity

Yep. I think women (especially with children) need to be realistic that nice, kind, funny, attractive, charming, successful men are about 5-10% of the population and it’s not always going to be easy to lock down one of those. The question is are you happier with this man than you would be alone? Because the dating world is not full of eligible men to be truthful.

Resolutely solo, and no longer resident in this country, he never saw his ex-wife or kids again. They must be teenagers by now

So he’s a deadbeat Dad? It’s those poor kids I feel sorry for not the grown man upset over a break up.

OP - like many others ok here said already - I do think your depression is one of the main causes of your feelings.
And I also do think you have this very naive and unrealistic idea of romantic love - it being a fairy tale sort of feeling that would magically make you feel better.
In reality - if you were single right now - your life will actually be a lot harder - emotionally and financially. Your child will suffer. And you will not be any closer to finding that dream of yours.
Chasing love isn’t a known cure to depression. It doesn’t work this way.

Even if your MH as OK - leaving in hope of finding that illusion of great love is never a good idea. I know a couple of women who left OK relationships in their early 40s - to look for for love they felt they missed out on. Now - it’s 10+ years later and the Prince didn’t arrive. Or rather - many fake Princes arrived and left,

So - OP - please - take care of yourself first. Do seek counselling again - not to be told that your depressed mother passed on her genes - but to figure out a healthier outlook on life and relationships for you.

And ironically a lot of these men are jaded thanks to the likes of the OP. Avoidants etc.

I was married to a man with anxiety and depression for years. It wasn't much fun. He spent a couple of years trying to tell me he didn't think he loved me, then left for someone else. It was bloody painful. Especially when he told me he wasn't sure he had ever loved me. It invalidated my whole life with him.

Please do your husband a favour and leave him now. Let him find someone who adores him and will make him happy. Do NOT EVER tell him you're not sure you ever loved him. Tell him you need to be on your own. Tell him you're dragging him down and you want him to be free to find happiness. Whatever version of the truth you can think of that's not going to destroy his memories. Then go.