If you can’t afford IVF/childcare is an accident better?

[Teips]

Reading all these threads as a late 30s woman I am at my wits end as to what to do. I considered IVF but it’s not just the cost of that it’s the cost of childcare etc later on. My closest friend admitted to me she had been lax with contraception and now is paid 945 a month although the ex isn’t around she is happy for him to see her child and doesn’t stop it. She says it’s enabled her to carry on her career as all childcare is covered and she likes the fact her child has a dad she can identity when they’re older even if he’s not around. She said she knew the maintenance was a risk but her ex was fundamentally focused on work and kept talking about kids but not doing it…she then spent 6 months tiptoeing round him (her words) while he got ready for promotion and she had just had enough of her side of things being on the back burner.

I know I’m feeling desperate so I’m grasping at anything but I too am in a similar relationship. Being fed similar lines, we often don’t have eve together as he’s back so late, it’s all about him and his job. Yet I’m 39 in December and waited for what? I’ve considered Ivf and told him that and he just shrugs it off like I’m not serious. I have money for it but it’s all my savings pretty much. Just so low.

Why would you want to bring a precious child into this situation where you feel so low about yourself. why do you think having a baby is going to make everything else feel different or go away? Having a child is mentally and physically gruelling. you have to be at your best to cope and you arent. sorry but I think you need to a) sort yourself out and b) sort your relationship out before you consider having a baby.

What 'lines' are you being fed?

You need to sit him down for a face to face no nonsense conversation.

If the upshot is that he's not ready for kids, leave him and move on.

I think you can say to him: DP, I want a baby now. Therefore I will not use contraception. And he can respond however he wants to. He might leave. But he won't be able to keep pushing the problem back, or he will end up in a sexless relationship. He knows that to continue having an intimate relationship with you he needs to commit.

But no you absolutely cannot pretend you're taking it and trick him into having a baby, that is madness.

I'm not going to give you grief for wondering about an "accident". I think a lot of people who feel desperate for a baby have thought about similar even if they wouldn't go ahead with it.

What I would do though is bin off your partner if he's not showing any signs of changing his mind about children. It's a huge thing to give up for someone else especially a bloke who is not on a time limit the way you are. Be upfront with him about how your feeling and that if this is not something he is willing or happy to do now then you will need to reconsider the relationship.

This.

Think of the human you'd be creating. Why saddle someone with such awful circumstances.

Your friend is a selfish, duplicitous asshole, not someone to emulate.

I think it’s a dreadful thing what your friend did!

i can’t believe such a decision is not decided with both parties consenting to such a big life commitment

I bet your friend is quite delighted with her £800 a month maintenance

Why are you talking about ivf if you are considering getting pregnant 'by accident'. And no guarantee about the maintenance, and there's a heck of a lot more to do with raising a kid than paying for childcare.
Ditch the guy. If you want a baby that bad figure out how you can afford one without any outside help.
What your friend did was awful.

Do you mean ivf with a donor if you split? Or that you might need it if you leave it too late to conceive without it? Look up the stats on ivf with your own eggs at 39, they’re not inspiring.

What contraception are you using at the moment?

I can totally understand why you’re head is allowing these ideas to creep in…but they’re batshit, and you need to face up to the reality of your situation and take some control.

A man who isn’t ready to commit to children with a 39 yr old woman needs to go. You would be so much better off planning how you can do this on your own and doing it NOW.

Forget the fantasies that this guy will change, and please don’t ‘accidentally’ get pregnant. It could go SO horribly wrong.

Can I just clarify that you don't need ivf for fertility but because you want a child but partner doesn't?

What happens if you conceive by accident and DP never actually wanted a baby, hardly fair either way to trick him into having to fork out maintenance for the next 18 years.
If you must have a baby go for IVF but make sure you can provide for them otherwise you'll be bringing it into a life of self made poverty.

To answer the question asked - No definitely not if what you are really asking is "I want to have a baby but haven't found a consenting partner to do this with and can't afford to go it alone with IVF or pay for childcare so I can continue working. Should I have an "accident" with some random and trap them into paying for my choice? That's pretty much what you are asking isn't it?

What a ridiculous view. OP doesn’t need to sort herself out. She knows exactly what she wants. She wants a baby. And now she’s in the stressful situation of running out of time. As soon as she gets pregnant (or perhaps as soon as the baby is born) all that stress of worrying whether or not she will be able to become a mother will evaporate.
People react to the situation they find themselves in. Someone who is anxious because their job is stressful may well find that anxiety evaporates once they change jobs. Someone who is depressed because their relationship is disintegrating may well find that depression lifts once they leave their partner.
Mental health does not exist in a vacuum.
OP, stop taking contraception and tell your partner you’re doing it. He’ll either let a pregnancy happen, or he’ll start wanting to use condoms at which point in your place I would start on the IVF.

But why? Why stop taking contraception and tell him? This is so sad. He doesn’t want children, or he would be taking steps to have a family.It seems such a desperate act, basically drained to get maintenance.

Much better to look realistically at finances, go it alone through a donor and take charge of her life. She’s a grown woman.

So many of these threads recently 🤨

OP, you need to be honest with your partner. If he’s not up for a baby, the next option is the sperm bank. This doesn’t need to be done by ivf if you have normal fertility. This obviously doesn’t solve your childcare issue but is a better option than tricking your partner.

Drained = aimed at

Being ‘desperate’ is not an excuse. The truth is you’ve prioritised staying in a relationship with a man that doesn’t share your ambitions. That gamble hasn’t paid off.

The ends do not justify the means.

Leaving aside any moral aspect you'd be foolish to rely on any potential maintenance let alone almost £1k a month! So many women don't get paid any or a pitiful amount. Some men, especially high earners, can syphon a lot of their earnings into pensions etc which massively reduces any maintenance due. It's easy to get out of paying any if you're self- employed too.

And what if he steps up and goes for 50/50 custody? No maintenance would be owed then either.

If you want a child, then start prioritising one and that doesn’t start by lying.

You wouldn’t be the first woman who gambled by staying in a relationship that was incompatible with their wants. The solution isn’t to double down on that error by being dishonest.

Don’t get pregnant ‘by accident’ with anyone who has clearly told you that they do not want children. That would be wrong and you’d be playing a dangerous game.
you need to ditch your partner and move on, unless you want to risk raising a child in poverty when he refuses to provide the money.
You’d be better off going back to the dating pool, so you can try to get pregnant quickly with some other mug who actually wants children and is happy to subsidise your lifestyle.

It’s not though. For every frequent thread by woman panicking in her late 30s because she hoped her boyfriend would agree to having a baby there are handfuls - especially the last couple of weeks - from women who got pregnant by accident, “by accident” and sometimes with a previously enthusiastic boyfriend wondering if he’ll come back even though he dumped her, wondering why he won’t see his baby, won’t tell anyone about the baby, won’t pay a penny, wondering what to tell the child about why dad doesn’t care and isn’t around.

Children matter too, knowingly conceiving one by deception or with someone you know isn’t keen does a disservice to them. Of course loads of couples break and dad goes awol but that’s not the same as knowingly giving your kid a waster or a total random as a father.

Plenty of women struggle with much wanted and planned pregnancies and babies even with good support. People post on here every week about how hard it is, how they had no idea what to expect.

There is a minute chance a man who’s still unsure when his partner is 39 will step up and embrace the life changing event that a baby is. He might pay without too much fuss but he might not and he might meet someone else who has 5 kids and get a massive discount on what he owes OP. He might get sacked, skip the country, die. Banking on him to fund years on end of childcare is foolhardy.

I personally think quite a few women esp in the past have done this.However it doesnt make it right .He will be resentful of you, and a baby who has done nothing wrong! Have a good old chat with him .let him know how you are feeling.Also consider how you may feel as a SP .Its certainly not a walk in the park.You are 100% responsible for a baby he may not want!

Exactly.

This is why I don't think men should have to pay maintenance if they've disavowed wanting children and the woman nevertheless chooses not to abort an "accidental" pregnancy.

Stopping contraception and telling him you’re doing it is a good idea in these situations because a lot of men do actually want kids but have trouble with the idea of action pulling the plug and doing it. The same way you can want to travel but struggle to actually book the tickets and go, or you love water slides or bungy jumping but actually jumping in/off is hard. Stopping contraception and telling him means having a baby becomes a case of not acting, rather than acting. A man who truly does not want a baby will act and take over contraception (condoms) himself. A man who does want kids but who is having trouble saying yes and going for it will have kids.
OP is not planning to get pregnant with a one night stand. She’s in a longterm relationship with someone who’s saying ´not yet’ rather than no.

"This is why I don't think men should have to pay maintenance if they've disavowed wanting children and the woman nevertheless chooses not to abort an "accidental" pregnancy"

While I somewhat agree with this a man can also use condoms to prevent accidents.

I just never understand why any woman would want to be so sly as to trap a man into having children with them when they clearly know it's not what the man wants.
Move on and find someone that does.