If you can’t afford IVF/childcare is an accident better?

[Teips]

Reading all these threads as a late 30s woman I am at my wits end as to what to do. I considered IVF but it’s not just the cost of that it’s the cost of childcare etc later on. My closest friend admitted to me she had been lax with contraception and now is paid 945 a month although the ex isn’t around she is happy for him to see her child and doesn’t stop it. She says it’s enabled her to carry on her career as all childcare is covered and she likes the fact her child has a dad she can identity when they’re older even if he’s not around. She said she knew the maintenance was a risk but her ex was fundamentally focused on work and kept talking about kids but not doing it…she then spent 6 months tiptoeing round him (her words) while he got ready for promotion and she had just had enough of her side of things being on the back burner.

I know I’m feeling desperate so I’m grasping at anything but I too am in a similar relationship. Being fed similar lines, we often don’t have eve together as he’s back so late, it’s all about him and his job. Yet I’m 39 in December and waited for what? I’ve considered Ivf and told him that and he just shrugs it off like I’m not serious. I have money for it but it’s all my savings pretty much. Just so low.

I have friends who have done what your friend did, and it has worked out very well for them whether they stayed together or not.

Personally I couldn't live with the risk of custody battles with an angry ex partner, or the reality of everyone knowing I'd faked an accident (because everyone does know in this situation).

“OP is not planning to get pregnant with a one night stand. She’s in a longterm relationship with someone who’s saying ´not yet’ rather than no”

Saying ‘not yet’ is risky and often too late for women in their late thirties.

Ivf isn't a walk in the park either - its taken me 5 years, 3 operations and 3 cycled of ivf, resulting in 5 transfer to finally fall pregnant.
I've gained 3 stone from ivf/pregnancy, my mental health has suffered and no way could I have done this on my own.

As others have said ref conception and telling DP. But don't force a life long commitment on someone as a stable home life is the one thing a baby needs.

Whatever you decide to do - I’d not wait. At 39 it’s getting to be late and might not work.
Plenty of women just went for it and it worked out OK.
In your place - I’ll just get pregnant with the bf as it’s the easiest way. And if he is around for the kid - it’s a positive. If not - it’ll be fine too.
Get fertility monitor sticks and make sure to track your most fertile days.
Buy if it doesn’t happen after trying for 3-4 cycles at the high fertility dates - go straight to the IVF. He can chose to fall in-line or leave.
At this point you need to decide if having kids is important or not. If it is - then you can’t wait and do nothing anymore.

At 38/39 I'd try to have an accident with the current partner. I was in a similar situation with a husband who kept saying "not yet" with no end date in sight at 35. I tried telling him I was stopping contraception and it was now his responsibility - and he developed impotence for the first time in our relationship. So I got a divorce and a new husband. I had my DC at 38 and 41. I think 38/39 is too late to try for a new relationship that will lead to children with a decent probability of success. It was a real rush at 35 (poor fertility, miscarriages etc).

People say it's dishonest or immoral to "trap" a man by "accidentally" falling pregnant, but they never seem concerned about a 39yo woman being trapped by a man with a constant "not yet" that eventually turns into never and can then end in him leaving and having children with a younger woman. This has happened to two of my friends. It's a very lonely moral high ground to be on not to have "trapped" him.

If you fall pregnant I wouldn't expect any help with childcare or financial support from your partner whether he stays or goes. But, you would still have your savings to help tide you over with childcare (rather than spending them on fertility treatments) and if he leaves you might be eligible for UC type benefits. Parenting is incredibly hard, particularly so alone. But if it's what you want I'd go for it now. You don't have the time left to muck about with the best option or the most moral option, just go with what works asap.

This. If you don't see a future with your partner once the baby arrives, consider how you'd feel about a 50/50 custody split. In that situation a donor may be preferable. There are cheaper methods than IVF if you don't need it for fertility purposes. Of course, you'd need to consider how to fund childcare etc.

I’m confused. Do you mean an accident vs sperm donation?

There is no need for IVF unless you have fertility issues.

I think every child deserves to be wanted 100% by both its parents at least at the point of conception. I know that isn't the case for many situations and no judgement x

Reprehensible.

No one is "trapped" in a relationship. Every single day it's a choice to remain.

"Accidental" pregnancy fraud involves an innocent third party, for one thing, as well as creating a lifelong obligation for a partner who supposedly trusts one. How immoral can one be?

And how selfish to put one's own desire for "a baby" ahead of the welfare of the poor new human being who would be born into such a shit show.

There are worse things in life than ending up childfree.

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus One of my friends did this - her DH was dithering and she said she was stopping contraception, but he could stop having sex, use condoms, get a vasectomy, pull out etc. She was very honest about it and very blunt "as of X date, I am not using contraception and any sex will be unprotected".

They have 2 kids now.

You can’t guarantee IVF will even work, two rounds, one missed miscarriage later we have no baby - it’s not like you just decide IVF and you get pregnant, that’s incredibly naive unfortunately.

Well for starters if I was you, your friend wouldn't be a friend anymore. Her behaviour is absolutely disgraceful.

Being brutally honest, in your situation I’d probably also consider having an ‘accident’ because he hasn’t said no, he never wants to have a child.

That's disgusting.

Do you mean an accident vs sperm donation?
This

Accidents are as old as time, which is more than can be said for the extemely dubious world of IVF. I'd give it a go.

£945 is a huge maintenance payment. My ex earns nigh on £100k and I get half that

And an accident is one thing - but tricking someone to get their maintenance is another thing entirely. If you orchestrate ‘an accident’ it’s your responsibility

@Bigchezemakeme i think you may be shortchanged if you put that into the child maintenance calculator then?!

I agree with all the views here, it’s just very very hard at this age when you’ve been promised a family and you invest but get strung along.

Yes, was just about to say the same. So many of these threads where the OP is talking about a “friend” who has done this. Not sure I believe it to be honest. I doubt anyone willing to do this would openly admit to getting pregnant accidentally on purpose 🤔

Why do you see IVF as “dubious” but not “accidentally” getting pregnant as you are suggesting?

I don’t personally think it is fair to lie to a man about contraception and force him to pay maintenance for the next 18 years.

It’s also not fair to string someone along but in that case, she can leave. In her position I would choose IVF alone.

@RainbowsMoonbeams it came up when I confided in her that I was worried about missing the boat. I doubt she would have volunteered it.

@Mistystar99 my worry with ivf is no known father but perhaps that is better than the risk of an absent one.

wish I had met someone at uni!

Go for it! He'll either step up and be involved and may love being a Dad or you'll split up and you can claim childcare costs back through Universal Credit. Win win! He should also pay maintance (although as other posters have said, don't relie on this as some men weasel out). Bottom line... don't wait... you haven't time! Good luck!

I did it. I was 37 my clock was ticking and I really wanted a child. I was having regular sex with a casual partner and thought it was now or never. Luckily I got pregnant very quickly and am now the mum of a lovely 10 year old dd. Luckily the dad wanted to stick around and they adore each other she is a proper daddies girl. He doesn't live with us but is part of our lives. She is autistic and it isn't always easy but I don't regret it for one moment. I didn't like the thought of a donor and my child not knowing who their dad is. Go for it and ignore the negative and judgmental comments here.

I’m still confused about your ivf reference. If you have fertility problems you are unlikely to have a successful ‘accident’.

if you don’t have any fertility issues you won’t be using ivf? Just a sperm donor and iiI or similar (around £1,000 a cycle). Have you looked into this at all or is it just a whim?