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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Reported H to Social services...now what?

670 replies

sleepingwiththeenemy · 19/01/2008 16:24

Hi, I have other threads about what has led up to this, but now I am away from Ex H. have moved counties and started new life with the children following years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Because of his history of mental health problems, long stays in psych hospitals and suicidal tendencies I have pretty much 'disappeared' - he has no idea we've left or where we are.
On xmas eve DD disclosed some things to me relating to the time H used to take her into the bath with him...things which sound very much like he masturbated in front of her...she described an erect penis, he told her not to tell Mummy etc. I asked NSPCC for advice and they said in their opinion it is hughly likely that sexual abuse has taken place; that she is using sexualised language and behaviour far beyond her years and said I had to report it as if I tried to use it later to prevent contact my motives would be questioned.
So I phoned social services and they immediately informed the police. So now I have to wait to hear from the police.
What happens now? Has anyone any experience of this? I am terrified as he will be furious, absolutely livid when he is questioned. But I feel that children should always be believed and I have no reason to think she would or could make it up. Previosuly I caught him looking at porn with her - pretty hard core stuff (anal, oral, lesbian and group images).
I really do believe he will come after me - the NSPCC have told me that there is unlikely to be a conviction because of DDs age - the courts wouldn't put her through the ordeal so he'll be free to come after me. He has threatened many times to snatch her, and told me I'll never see her again.
Any advice?

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Kezza7779 · 25/01/2008 14:08

Thats all good news, im so pleased that DD1 escaped your ex's abuse to a certain extent. I would say that from the swimming incident it seems he is interested in young children but at the very least she hasnt suffered any physical abuse. My cousin married / and is still married to a sick pedo, he sexually abused my step cousin who spoke out finally at the age of 16, she came to live with me for several yrs after, my whole family turned on us defending him, he then went onto abuse my other step cousin (the sister), he got away with it as both girls just wated to move on and forget about it - what an injustice!!!!! he has 2 girls himself, ones now a teenager, imagine all the little friends that go round to their house and sleep there etc, they are so vulnerable and it pains me to know that others could be at risk. Ive reported him so have others and his kids are on the at risk register but still hes still out there. Bastard!!
Im glad the council are supporting you thats realy good news. keep us posted x x x

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DoubleBluff · 26/01/2008 14:13

Sleep just catching up wit all that has happened. You are doing so well. You shoud be really proud of yourself.
Agree with Kezza - you should tell the Police everything they can decide wheter it is useful or not.
And please don't feel embarrased they have prob heard it all ( and worse ) before.
Good Luck.
I have this thread on watch and check in when I can!

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sleepingwiththeenemy · 26/01/2008 18:02

Hi. I know I should tell all, but the thought of perhaps having to go to court, and go through the 'intimate'details of my marriage just fills me with horror. I can't even begin to contemplate having to face him...I feel so sick at the thought of it.
Kezza...hard to believe about your cousin - and yet so many women stick by men like this.
DD2 was drawing pictures today. I had Robbie Williams on the CD player, and she drew a picture and said 'this is Wobbly Williams' (I know.,..so sweet), and this is his willy'. I looked at the picture and she'd drawn a very large 'penis'..I aksed what the picture was of next to him and she said 'his child'. Strange pics for a 3 year old to be drawing. She talks about willys an awful lot.

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Kezza7779 · 26/01/2008 22:47

Of course it does, noone wants to aire their dirty washing in public but sometimes needs must and this is one of those times. It may well never get that far where you have to stand up in court and say it but you should give the case your best shot.
Your daughter does appear to know alot about willys etc and no doubt where it has come from. keep the picture and a record of what she said.......
xxx

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mumof2fabkids · 26/01/2008 23:08

Hi, hope you are OK? Totally agree with Kezza too, the police will need to know everything as they need your help to build a case against this crazy b@@@*. Believe me, he'll be doing the same, although no-one in their right mind would believe him. Also, keep the picture your DD drew and show it to the police officer working on this, may not be used, but just show him anyway. Don't let that Social Worker make you feel like a crap mother, seriously, who the hell would tell their 3 yr old about things like that? Forget about what she said, I'd love to see how many mums on here would discuss this with their 3 yr olds, show her their responses! You're doing great and are such an inspiration, I can't tell you. You will have bad days, but you're doing the right thing for your family. Wishing you strength, peace and a good nights sleep, thinking of you all, take care xxx

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mamasara82 · 06/02/2008 16:55

Hi sleepingwiththeenemy, how have you been?

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sleepingwiththeenemy · 10/02/2008 18:27

Hi all. Sorry I haven't been back on for a while; my head is in a mess with all of this. It's much much worse than I originally thought and to be honest I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with. Ok...the detective who's investigating came to take my statement the other day. He had said he needed the ins and outs of my marriage, warts and all, so to help me I typed up some notes; I only meant to put a few notes down but in the end there were 7 pages. Some of it was very difficult sexual stuff, but in the end I thought WTF...I have to disclose everything if I am to protect my baby. Some of it I had put to the back of my mind, preferring not to think about it. Anyway, the DC read through it and said 'didn't I tell you this won't have been the first time he's offended?' I asked what he meant and he showed me the notes on which he'd written RAPE twice, and underlined it on the page. He told me that the 2 instances he was referring to constituted rape against me. And sorry if it's too much information but one of those instances was anal rape (which I had shut away in my mind).
Then and much much worse, my little one started talking to him about a picture she'd drawn. She explained that it was Daddy with his penis, and her with her vagina (not those words obviously), and the det asked her what the thing in between them was and she said it was the cream Daddy used when his willy got long. She then said that Daddy used to touch her vagina with his penis. She has since told me that when he did that it made her vagina all sticky. Anyway, the det explained to me that even if there is no penetration as such, as soon as the penis tip touches the vagina, it constitutes rape. So they want to charge him with 2 counts of rape against me,and one against my baby. I have to go and give a video statement on Tuesday, and the police want my 2 older children to do the same later in the week. He said he doesn't need to do that with the LO as she has already told him what he needs to know. He asked her to draw a picture of himself, and she did minus the penis...this he said proved her innocence and honesty as it shows she isn't aware that all men have willies, only her father.
Once the video interviews have been taken, they will send the whole lot to my old hometown where he still lives, for them to take up the investigation. It's a nightmare. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the fact that a) I was the victim of rape and b) and much much worse my baby was too. It's inconceivable to believe I married a man capable of this. How could I not have known? It all took place whilst I was there from what I can gather...it feels like I let it go on.
I am petrified of what the future holds. If he gets away with it he will come after me, I'm sure. He'll feel he has nothing to lose...you know when you read about a man shooting his estranged wife and then turning the gun on himself? That's truly what I can see happening. He places no value on life,(he's suicidal at the best of times) so wouldn't think twice about ending his own and mine. Remember he's mentally ill and unstable.
I even want to start a martial arts class so I'm at least better equipped but I came here with nothing to get away from the situation and I'm on benefits and can't afford the fees. I feel like my life is just crumbling around my ears.

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Littlefish · 10/02/2008 18:37

SWTE - I'm just so, so sorry to read your update. I really don't know what to say to you, but wanted you to know that you're being listened to.

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McDreamy · 10/02/2008 18:43

oh sleeping I too have no advice but just want you to know that you have friends here. I am so sorry for your situation, I don't know what to say.

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HansieMom · 10/02/2008 19:44

Do you have a PayPal account? I'd be happy to put some money in it to help pay for martial arts class. I don't want to collect the money as I live in another country.

It would be a good, positive thing for you to do. You could kick and punch and get out a lot of anger.

I'm so glad the detective is doing such a good job of investigating.

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eandh · 10/02/2008 20:26

SWTE - have just read the whole thread and you are sobrave and doing exactly the right thing. I ended up at the police station weekend before xmas with my brothers fiancee as her ex had phoned and said he was coming to kill her and snatch her son (he is the bio father) thankfully she had record on her phone and called the police, they caught him half way to their house (she made a big move away from her family and friemds to be with my brother) she has taken a injunction out against him, and like you, the polic managed to persuade her to give lots of details of their relationship to help secure a convinction (he had held a blade to her throat when her ds was 6 weeks old - that is when she left). She is only 21 and was so scared and frightened but she has done it now, supervied contact was offered but to date he has not seen ds since November. She agreed his parents could see her ds on his birthday at a mutual place and that has been it.

Well done for doing what you are doing and please let us know if anyone can do anything to help

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trulymadlydeeply · 10/02/2008 20:33

Appalling to read this. You are incredibly brave and MUST see it through as you are doing. None of this is your fault. How could you have known? Of course you trusted your H with your daughter. Why would you not?

The main thing is for you to feel safe. Do whatever you have to in order for that to happen.

Please keep posting - we are all here for you.

Lots of love,

xxx

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dittany · 10/02/2008 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sleepingwiththeenemy · 10/02/2008 20:58

Hansie...that is so kind of you, but I couldn't possibly accept. Your words have touched me though,and that in itself has been a great help.
I am going to have to seek help in dealing with this I think. I have 2 seperate issues going on simultaneously...one about me (and even that makes me feel stupid,not labelling it as rape even though it was me it happened to...my only justification is that the longer you spend with an abuser the more blurred thelines become between acceptable behaviour and unacceptable). The other, and much worse, is what happened to my baby. There are so many emotions going on within me...guilt, shame, embarrassment, horror, repulsion, anger...and then fear of what is to come. It makes my skin crawl to think that I spent time with this man, had sex with him, slept next to him...
The detective in charge is lovely. He spent a lot of time putting me at ease before the statement began, and warned me how blunt he was going to be so it wasn't too big a shock. It's a shame that the whole case will be passed onto another constabulary as I guess that means he will no longer be dealing with it and I've come to trust him. I will be detailing how scared I am, and what my fears are when I do the interview on Tuesday...today for instance I walked down to the local shop with DD2...for the first time since I got here I felt really nervous. Then on the way back there were some lads playing football and there was the sound of smashing glass and I almost myself...I couldn't get back to the house fast enough. I need to get on top of this before I start having panic attacks I think.

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dizietsma · 10/02/2008 21:03

SWTE, you might remember that earlier in this thread I put up a link to rape crisis after you described a horrible incident in Gibraltar? Now's the time to call them and arrange counselling, it sounds as though you will be going through some really difficult emotions right now and you need support.

My stepdad was emotionally and physically abusive. I remember how my mother became completely bound up in this normalised world of violence. She lived it day to day and it just became routine, this is what has happened to you. Now you've left the situation you are able to see it for what it is, and I bet you feel stunned that you hadn't seen it earlier. It's not your fault, this is what abusers do. When your little girl told you what happened you protected her and acted on it immediately- sadly a vanishingly rare response in these situations, you were very brave.

If you are afraid of reprisals from your ex there are a number of precautions you can take, I suggest you call women's aid to discuss them and alert the police to your concerns. I believe that if you pre-warn them they can flag up any calls from your number to receive a quick response.

I'm sure it must feel pretty dark where you are right now, this is when you need your loving friends and family to rally around, please contact them for emotional support.

Keep posting here for support too, if it helps you. There are lots of women here who have been in similar situations and lots of us here who are rooting for you.

When it all gets too much try to remember that there will be a time when all this is a distant memory and you will feel safe.

(((HUGS)))

diz x

p.s. I think doing martial arts or some kind of self-defence course is a great idea.

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onebatmother · 10/02/2008 21:06

Oh God swte I don't know what to say. How brave you are, even though you are, I know, terrified.

I'll be thinking of you. I'll go in with Hansie for a bit of cash if you change your mind about the lessons.

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MissyTheFlouncer · 10/02/2008 21:14

me too pls let us help put towards it.

i have not followed this until now and i am so sorry for your situation.

you and your dd are in my thoughts

xx

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sleepingwiththeenemy · 10/02/2008 21:17

dizietsma...the number is already flagged to the police station for a rapid response. They are taking my fears seriously I am pleased to say. I am due to move into a house of my own here soon and I'm going to ask for a panic alarm etc.
Sadly I don't have family to rally around.My mother won't be any help so I've not even told her the whole story. From bitter past experience I know her reaction would be one of horror...at ME for reporting or 'washing my dirty linen in public', or misreading the signs etc...if you recall in an earlier post when 2 men tried to abduct me fromthe street when I was a little girl she came out of the shop and belted me across the face for encouraging them!No help there I'm afraid. Similarly my brother...despite me trying to re establish contact with him several times over the years he has consistently refused to take the bait. And I can't take the rejection again should he do the same. Friends all fell by the wayside when I married XP...he was hated by everyone so no one would come near. Luckily I have friends here whom he knows nothing about, so I have a small but trusted network around me.

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mamasara82 · 10/02/2008 21:35

Hi sleepingwiththeenemy, you have no idea how strong you are. You are a fantastic mother. You need to be reminded of this at least everyday because I know you feel guilty inside but there was nothing you could do when it happened.

I haven't stopped thinking about you and so glad you have decided to started coming on mumsnet because it will do you good.

I too will put some money on your paypal account for you to have a little bit of normality in your life and just to escape.

If I can help in any way just let me know.

You and your 3 babies are in my heart and have been watching out for you everyday just hoping you are doing ok.

Thinking of you lots. Mamasara

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mamasara82 · 10/02/2008 21:38

I live in brighton so if you are any where near me we could meet for a cuppa or drink. My email address is [email protected]

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cinnamontam · 10/02/2008 21:46

Sleepingwiththeenemy - I have no experience of what you are going through but couldn't not post anything after your update today.

I just wanted to say that you are an incredible woman and your little DD is blessed to have you as her Mum.

I think doing some self defence classes would be great and would also love to 'chip in' if you let us.

Will be thinking of you both and praying for safety and some calm as you get through this...and you will xx

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sleepingwiththeenemy · 10/02/2008 21:47

Thankyou so much, all of you. The offers of money are so very kind, but I couldn't accept. But thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
Mamasara...despite the feelings of guilt I am getting stronger by the day, and the absolute hatred I feel for this man is growing...and although I dislike the word hate it's what I need to give me the courage to see this through. In order to stand up in court and have my sex life exposed, and examined, and questioned will be horrific so I need that hate to propel me forwards. Does that make sense?
I am well aware that this will ruin his life; I have had moments of doubt...not of DD2 and what she has told me because I have never doubted her for a second, but more doubt as to whether I can be responsible for 'ruining' his life. Don't think I feel sorry for him becuase I don't, but it's a massive responsibility to do this knowing what the consequences are. There is a very real chance that he will top himself over this due to his ever present suicidal thoughts, and that's a heavy cross for anyone to bear. What I wanted, before all of this came out, was to just take the children and run far away, never to be found. But when she started telling me what she did I couldn't ignore it, I had to take the steps I took.
I live in constant fear of what she'll tell me next...each time she tells me a little bit more and it gets worse.

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mamasara82 · 10/02/2008 21:50

Don't you think it will make your life so much easier if he does kill himself. There will be no more fear and that would be amazing.

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sleepingwiththeenemy · 10/02/2008 21:51

Mamasara...I've moved up North so sadly am nowhere near you. The problem I have now is that I am wary of forging new friendships here in case somehow, no matter how remote the chance, my whereabouts get back to him. I know that sounds irrational but sadly there is a very real chance that my life will be in danger should he find me and I can't risk that. And yet I need friends around me.

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sleepingwiththeenemy · 10/02/2008 21:53

Yes,in lots of ways it would make it easier of course, and I have known him long enough to know that it would not be my fault. However, that's the rational part of me! I know I would get recriminations...hate messages fromhis (highly dysfunctional) family...and worse I would have to somehow explain to DD2 when she's older what happened. That would be hard as kids blame themselves for so much.

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