Financialy wanting to help out but NO!

[Duchessisawesome]

My husband has a fairly decent job where I don't need to work if I don't want to. We were self employed delivery drivers before he went back to this particluar line of work. I have on occasions done the delivery job on my own but this upsets him somewhat and I don't know why. Before Xmas I said I'd do some work to get him a nice pressy but he shook his head as if to say no. He sometimes has to work away which means him finding digs. Although he gets this subsidised, I just want to help out but now he's sulking because I've done a couple of hours today. Is he that proud

My husband is similar, he wants to be the provider, and he wants to have me available to take all the pressure of running the home away; no meals, no dishes, no laundry, no school picks ups. He wants to be able to work all day and relax all night and I want to provide that for him as well.

But we have agreed this, and I do work at home that does not prevent me doing the above.

This is our arrangement. You should be able to speak to him about exactly what his issue is. Is it that he fears you won't be around to do all the other stuff? Or does he feel ashamed that his wife "has to" work?

It could be either and yes, this is how many men feel, but you should have a communication with him not a shake head and then wondering what he's thinking because that's not a partnership.

How we live works because we both want it and both know what we are up to.

On here they are very much of the opinion that no matter what you need to work as much as your husband.

Is that what you want? Do you want to be working? Do you want to be working more than you want family life? This is the question.

I could split with my husband or demand I work as much as him, pay for childcare, see my child less, pay my own way, but it's not what I want. I want to be part of a unit that sees my time freed up and not have to work like I did for so many years before marriage.

What do you want?

If you do want to work full-time then get that job, arrange the childcare, and enjoy the 9-5. But you'll lose what you currently have, which is fine if you hate it, do you?

I was nearly hyperventilating reading those messages. I couldn't live like that. You know you have to leave, don't you?

So he doesn't want to let you work, controls your access to money, uses money as a threat hanging over you (the thing about taking you off the joint account), and you have to ask permission even just to visit a friend?

He's a controlling piece of shit. Please, find a way to get independent of this man.

I assume the reason that your eldest is looking after your savings is because you aren't allowed to have them?

Oh okay, those messages. He seems very strange. Keep that message, move out, claim abuse, use the joint account to pay a temporary rent, claim UC, living apart, use that to get legal aid for a solicitor due to coercive control and abuse, and go for the house.

If you do want to work full-time then get that job, arrange the childcare, and enjoy the 9-5. But you'll lose what you currently have, which is fine if you hate it, do you?

I don't necessarily want to work full time no. I like the flexibility to do it when I want to. But he doesn't seem to want me to do it. I also think it is about the shame of his wife working. I just want to pass a few hours on and know I'm helping out

I assume the reason that your eldest is looking after your savings is because you aren't allowed to have them

He would just say I've been sneaky and deceitful

Okay, well you are helping out if you are taking all that other stress away from him.

He does sound "old fashioned" but you need to think about the alternative which is being totally self-sufficient and possibly living off very little?

But when I first replied I hadn't seen that you are generally unhappy.

My relationship is NOT MN approved. He is just the same earning wise, and I earn but I do it around every single aspect of feeding and tidying after him, which I actually don't mind as it's preferable to having to work full-time. I like seeing my child every day at 3pm and getting her ready every morning and to do that means I can't work full-time.

So I do freelance work and all that money goes on what I want it to, which is family stuff and personal stuff, but I'm not looking to leave my situation, it's something we are both happy with.

My husband WOULD feel shame if I HAD TO work and he could not provide as "a man should".

And that's old fashioned as all hell, but it's what WE BOTH want and we are HAPPY.

He seems very short with you and twattish talking about you leaving, THIS is the real issue, not any work arrangements.

What work did you do? Did it prevent you making his dinner, is that the issue?

My husband has told me the same; do not be going out to work instead of being here to cook my food, which is fine for ME because that's what I would rather be doing.

Can you speak to him? Do you WANT to leave and fend totally for yourself?

It was only a couple of hours a day delivering for amazon prime. I did it while he was at work so it didn't interfere with anything else really. Just a gap filler in my day really. I still did everything else around the house. We did it together once but I could feel the tension if I spoke to another driver and I think that's his problem. Me talking to people

Well that's absolutely unacceptable then.

Can you sit him down and ask him specifically what his problem is with you driving? Just focus on the one question and get an answer, calmly?

Do you want to leave and work full-time and live alone etc? It's important to consider whether you leaving is the best thing for you.

If you don't want to work full-time I suggest you remain there, as long as there's no physical abuse, and simply take advantage of the situation and look for some freelance work to amas some savings.

He sounds like he just wants to focus on work and has little ability to converse about much else 'you take the car, you're paying' with what? Just leave him to it maybe?

I've been able to develop skills and seek out stuff that pays a nice amount from home, such as copy writing. You can too. You just need to decide what situation you want for yourself.

Sounds like the controlling type. How would he react if you told him you've joined a pub quiz team and you're going to do a pub quiz every Thursday night? (with men and women in your team) Would he try to stop you or have a massive sulk.

And what about this working away? In digs? Are you sure he is alone when he is doing that?

Probably sulk or want to come to keep an eye on me. I'm not me when I'm around him. My family have noticed that more since we lost our dad last over a year ago and we had allsorts to sort out as we lost mum nealry 10 years ago so probate was involved etc

@fleurdelee no. I'm not. Most of the time he shares with someone else at work but he prefers to be alone. He doesn't even phone me when he's away. It's always texts

Doesn't sound like he's very bothersome and you get to not work.
Start doing something to amas income when he's not there. There's plenty available.

But Op wants to work?!?

No, she's said she doesn't want to work full-time.
She should work, she should do things from home and get some money for herself and not have to beg hubby who sounds like a complete bore.

If I had to work full time then yes I would. I'm sure my kids would help if needed. While I'm in this situation I'm in I'm happy to work when I want to.

@mrsjohnnylawrence can you please check out my other threads as this is not my only issue with my husband

I didn't realize you have multiple threads, but here is one active one:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4647049-codependancy-good-or-bad-thing

I can see that there are lots of issues......... none of them healthy.

I hope you can set yourself free, @Duchessisawesome 💐

He has checked out.

Honestly, he doesn't want you on his driving route in case you find something out I reckon.