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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Codependancy. Good or bad thing

35 replies

Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 12:10

It has been suggested that I read about codependancy. I have done and done on online test which suggests that I am moderately codependant. Is this a bad thing based on my marriage problems

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 03/10/2022 12:15

Codependency tends to go hand in hand with abusive behaviour from your partner so no, it's not a good sign generally if you're ticking checklists.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 12:17

I need to stop it then. Why would it have been suggested to me to read about it do you think

OP posts:
Cascais · 03/10/2022 12:18

Yes

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 12:19

Has my husbands behaviour caused me to be codependant. I do feel I want to be more independant

OP posts:
Lili132 · 03/10/2022 15:08

Co - dependancy is term that refers to people in relationship with under-functioning partner. Usually someone who is addicted or immature etc. Majority of people who are in relationship with addict or abuser are not in fact co-dependant in diagnostic sense but rather adapt to unhealthy situation which can look similar as a disorder but isn't.

I think what you might be referring to is dependant personality? Although it's really hard to say without you providing any details.

But then again - adapting to troubling relationship is not necessarily a sign that someone is on a spectrum of personality disorder.

Namechanged454 · 03/10/2022 15:15

I'm not sure it's always about your partners behaviour. My boyfriend is definitely codependent and he has admitted it before. It comes from his fear of abandonment and that he feels unloveable thanks to past relationships and his childhood. I'm definitely not abusive, lower functioning or negectful..it's just who he is. He works on it and I accept him for who he is

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:21

So I have more or less adapted to this kind of unhealthy behaviour possibly?

So am I the codependant or is it him. Im totally confused. He can be rather immature and childish which is why I'm asking

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2022 15:22

So am I the codependant or is it him.

Describe your behaviours.

stickynoter · 03/10/2022 15:23

BertieBotts · 03/10/2022 12:15

Codependency tends to go hand in hand with abusive behaviour from your partner so no, it's not a good sign generally if you're ticking checklists.

Agree, It can be. Or it can stem from the individual having anxiety/insecurities of their own.

I have co-dependent in the past with a lovely DP. I was in a really bad place mentally through no fault of his own (it was trauma from childhood and previous relationships) and I became co-dependent on him.
Not healthy at all but wasn't his fault

LaTangerina · 03/10/2022 15:23

Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:21

So I have more or less adapted to this kind of unhealthy behaviour possibly?

So am I the codependant or is it him. Im totally confused. He can be rather immature and childish which is why I'm asking

Who told you to read up on it? Someone who wanted to comment on your relationship?
Sounds like it's him who is codependant from your description there.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2022 15:22

So am I the codependant or is it him.

Describe your behaviours.

I'm a people person. I like to help people if i can, i wouldn't say that I'm self centred or selfish. I don't like to say no to people if I can help it.

Is there anything else I could describe

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:30

LaTangerina · 03/10/2022 15:23

Who told you to read up on it? Someone who wanted to comment on your relationship?
Sounds like it's him who is codependant from your description there.

Show quote history

Yes. Someone in a different post i started about being controlled/cohersed

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:34

This is what they said

Its about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and in turn your children. I would read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour; his needs though are not more important than your own.

OP posts:
stickynoter · 03/10/2022 15:39

Just had a read of two of your posts from 2nd august. It's clear your partner is very controlling and you've identified you need to leave him but feel reluctant to (or that you believe it's not possible). I presume this is where the codependency comments come from

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2022 15:42

I'm a people person. I like to help people if i can, i wouldn't say that I'm self centred or selfish. I don't like to say no to people if I can help it.

I'm a people person. I like to help people if I can and it doesn't hurt me. I wouldn't say I'm self centred or selfish but I have good boundaries and don't give more than is healthy. I can say no to people if I want to.

The first can be very unhealthy, especially if you are with a controlling man. The second is healthy.

Co-dependency is an issue because you are allowing abusive or otherwise unhealthy behaviours because it feeds a need in you. Typically to be loved, needed, fill some hole inside.

Opentooffers · 03/10/2022 15:54

If you keep trying to come up with reasons not to leave a controlling abusive man, there may be an element of co-dependency to it. If it's been going on for years, you are probably conditioned to it and look for reasons it's not that bad.
If you are ticking boxes for co-dependency, then that would be exactly why it's been suddested you read about it obviously.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:58

Co-dependency is an issue because you are allowing abusive or otherwise unhealthy behaviours because it feeds a need in you. Typically to be loved, needed, fill some hole inside.

How can I figure out my need though. I know there's something holding me back

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:59

If it's been going on for years, you are probably conditioned to it and look for reasons it's not that bad.

It has been going on for years yes. We've lived together since 1994

OP posts:
LaTangerina · 03/10/2022 16:17

Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:30

Yes. Someone in a different post i started about being controlled/cohersed

Show quote history

They don't know you or your husband personally so they are only going off what you've written so couldn't accurately make a real life observation on you. I thought it might have been someone who knew you in real life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2022 16:52

Duchessisawesome · 03/10/2022 15:58

Co-dependency is an issue because you are allowing abusive or otherwise unhealthy behaviours because it feeds a need in you. Typically to be loved, needed, fill some hole inside.

How can I figure out my need though. I know there's something holding me back

In therapy is the short answer.

The longer answer is it's almost always some kind of childhood trauma with a script about your worth. Abusive, addicted or neglectful parents? Witnessing violence? That kind of thing.

FlowerArranger · 03/10/2022 16:58

How would you describe your self esteem?

Do you have problems with enforcing boundaries - not just with your partner but in general?

Laughingtherapy · 03/10/2022 17:19

I would assume cidependency is zuggested because you've vern putting up with a lot of shite from people or a partner that most(emotionally healthy) people would not.

It may be your current partner is a total shit. And whoever suggested codepenençy has seen you stay and tolerate it. Or it has be that they've seen you run around after other people and neglect your own needs.

Codepencency can form in childhood as a result of giving a narcissistic parent. Or, can be the result of being conditioned by a narcissistic partner in adulthood. Conditioned to always put them and their every little desire before even your basic human rights and needs.

So yeah...it's a bad thing. And the way to heal from it starts with removing toxic people from your life. Because otherwise you will only hear their voice telling you want they want and not be able to listen t

Laughingtherapy · 03/10/2022 17:21

To listen to your own inner voice telling you what you need.

Dery · 03/10/2022 19:34

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood may be of interest to you.

QuizzlyBears · 03/10/2022 20:29

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2022 16:52

In therapy is the short answer.

The longer answer is it's almost always some kind of childhood trauma with a script about your worth. Abusive, addicted or neglectful parents? Witnessing violence? That kind of thing.

Show quote history

This ^

My ex had a horrific childhood, manifested in attachment issues and codependency as an adult which ultimately contributed to the end of our marriage as neither of us understood it well enough to navigate through. I wish things had been different. Please seek the help you need.