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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Financialy wanting to help out but NO!

71 replies

Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 22:09

My husband has a fairly decent job where I don't need to work if I don't want to. We were self employed delivery drivers before he went back to this particluar line of work. I have on occasions done the delivery job on my own but this upsets him somewhat and I don't know why. Before Xmas I said I'd do some work to get him a nice pressy but he shook his head as if to say no. He sometimes has to work away which means him finding digs. Although he gets this subsidised, I just want to help out but now he's sulking because I've done a couple of hours today. Is he that proud

OP posts:

Thread gallery

TheTeenageYears · 03/08/2022 11:35

Any chance he's projecting? He goes away sometimes and is trying to trap you at home. Could he be playing away and thinking you are doing the same at any given opportunity?

TibetanTerrah · 03/08/2022 11:49

The ages of your children reminded me that I've seen you before - just yesterday. You're clearly starting to realise he is controlling and abusive. Keep getting support here, many posters have experienced the same as you and can help you to leave

KettrickenSmiled · 03/08/2022 11:58

I visited an old friend before Xmas and just told him I was going, he wasn't impressed and said I should have asked if he minded

Have you any idea how abnormal & sinister this is OP?
Or has it been going on for so long that you are no longer spooked by it?

How do you feel about your H? What help do you need in order to re-establish your financial independence & personal autonomy?

Pinkdelight3 · 03/08/2022 12:09

He says it's because he wants to be the breadwinner etc

What about what you want? Are you not a person too? Christ, this is stone age stuff. You are an adult with equal say in everything and you make your own choices. Never mind shaking his bloody head. Nod your head and show him - and yourself - that you are a fully functioning independent human being with something to contribute not only to your family, but to your own well-being and to the world at large.

SIUUU · 03/08/2022 12:12

My sister in laws fiance is like this. He is a monumental prick and as a result of his nagging, she no longer works and has to ask him for money. She is due to go to London, this weekend, with my wife and how she will pay her way, I have no idea.

Anyway, this is all to do with control. He has a very fragile ego AND I suspect your DH is doing the same. I can see your future, it does not look good. What you do next is up to you but I would try to regain some control back, for yourself

IncompleteSenten · 03/08/2022 12:12

He is controlling and fears you having money.

It's vital that you work and have access to your own money.

You should think carefully about whether this relationship is one you really want to be in.

FlowerArranger · 03/08/2022 12:26

So he is currently the breadwinner. Do you have access to the money he earns and do you know about his investments, pensions etc. To what extent is all this in joint accounts?

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 12:58

Hill1991 · 03/08/2022 11:08

He's controlling you and probably financially abusing you so you have to ask anytime you have to go see a someone, do you have access to the money without asking him

It's usually me that spends the money to be honest. He earns. I spend it lol. I sort all the bills out too. I would discuss some expenditure though with him. But in that respect he usually let's me have what I want within reason

OP posts:

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 13:07

FlowerArranger · 03/08/2022 12:26

So he is currently the breadwinner. Do you have access to the money he earns and do you know about his investments, pensions etc. To what extent is all this in joint accounts?

Yes. We do have a joint account but he has threatened to take me off before. I did call his bluff once and made the appointment but he changed his mind about the whole thing when i asked how I was to pay for shopping and sorting out a standing order to pay for the bills

OP posts:

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 14:12

TheTeenageYears · 03/08/2022 11:35

Any chance he's projecting? He goes away sometimes and is trying to trap you at home. Could he be playing away and thinking you are doing the same at any given opportunity?

I have thought about that myself if I'm honest. He doesn't work away that much anymore but used to. About 7 years ago he was in Europe for around 3 weeks and I found out he'd had been chatting with some tart about having cybersex on Skype so I banned it and all other forms of social media. I don't trust him. He cheated on me years ago. Went on a lads night out got off his head.and came home by police half dressed. Not to mention another occasion where he'd got drunk and had a woman all over him.

OP posts:

TheTeenageYears · 03/08/2022 14:30

@Duchessisawesome it sounds like he is absolutely judging you by his own standards then.

Spohn · 03/08/2022 14:35

It’s not ok to make your kids live in an abusive household, they’ll think this is normal, which is horrific. They’ve already pointed out to you this mans financial and emotional abuse, how depressing. Get employment urgently and divorce this piece of shit.

Spohn · 03/08/2022 14:38

Eight, do you get regular STD checks, knowing your husband himself is a ‘tart’? Why are your standards so low? Have you had therapy?

Spohn · 03/08/2022 14:38

*eugh

FlowerArranger · 03/08/2022 15:38

Seeing that you are not working and he insists on being the 'breadwinner'....... does he fund a pension for you? Contribute to an ISA in your name? If not, why not...

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 16:01

Spohn · 03/08/2022 14:38

Eight, do you get regular STD checks, knowing your husband himself is a ‘tart’? Why are your standards so low? Have you had therapy?

I have been checked yes and to be perfectly honest I don't know why I'm still with him and why my standards are this low. I know there is a saying "love is blind" he showers me with compliments and affection and I know in his heart he does love me. But he is still being an arsehole

OP posts:

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 16:02

FlowerArranger · 03/08/2022 15:38

Seeing that you are not working and he insists on being the 'breadwinner'....... does he fund a pension for you? Contribute to an ISA in your name? If not, why not...

No he doesn't and that's a fair point. Thankyou

OP posts:

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 10:51

Had these messages this morning. I only want to use the car

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/10/2022 11:35

Clearly you are in a controlling toxic relationship.

He sounds like a creep and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Take 50% of the joint account and get back to work asap.

Don't trust him.

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 11:38

billy1966 · 04/10/2022 11:35

Clearly you are in a controlling toxic relationship.

He sounds like a creep and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Take 50% of the joint account and get back to work asap.

Don't trust him.

I can't take it. He's started having his wages paid into his own account from last week.

I've had an apology since and saying that he doesn't want this to go this way. I've basically replied with "I don't know what to do any more. Were making each other miserable"

OP posts:

Aprilx · 04/10/2022 11:47

I couldn’t follow that text exchange. I noticed you both put xxx on the end of each post though, which I thought was weird.

billy1966 · 04/10/2022 11:59

Actions not words.

Words are cheap.

He is making a decision regarding his salary.

You need to protect yourself.

It really is that simply.

Original poster

Duchessisawesome · 04/10/2022 11:59

Aprilx · 04/10/2022 11:47

I couldn’t follow that text exchange. I noticed you both put xxx on the end of each post though, which I thought was weird.

The xxx is something we've always done. I do it to friends too. One he wrote didn't have any though. The one that said. What about the van

I basically wanted to use the car for some delivery work, one minute he says if that's what you want etc then next minute he says your not using the car

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 04/10/2022 12:26

Get copies of old bank statements and see a bloody solicitor. Your kids shouldn’t need to defend their mother.

AccountDeactivated · 04/10/2022 12:33

Still not prioritising your poor kids, then? No need to analyse the abuser.

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