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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Financialy wanting to help out but NO!

71 replies

Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 22:09

My husband has a fairly decent job where I don't need to work if I don't want to. We were self employed delivery drivers before he went back to this particluar line of work. I have on occasions done the delivery job on my own but this upsets him somewhat and I don't know why. Before Xmas I said I'd do some work to get him a nice pressy but he shook his head as if to say no. He sometimes has to work away which means him finding digs. Although he gets this subsidised, I just want to help out but now he's sulking because I've done a couple of hours today. Is he that proud

OP posts:
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TeeBee · 02/08/2022 22:19

Err, not sure that's the actions of a proud man...more a controlling man.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 22:26

TeeBee · 02/08/2022 22:19

Err, not sure that's the actions of a proud man...more a controlling man.

In more ways than i thought by sounds if it. He says it's because he wants to be the breadwinner etc

OP posts:
TeeBee · 02/08/2022 22:29

Then definitely don't leave yourself vulnerable. Get as much work as you can and get some savings together. Tell him the 1950s is over 🙄

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 22:32

TeeBee · 02/08/2022 22:29

Then definitely don't leave yourself vulnerable. Get as much work as you can and get some savings together. Tell him the 1950s is over 🙄

Thankyou. I won't. I already have some money that my eldest is looking after for me. I've said its my emergency fund and hubby doesn't know about it

OP posts:
Kona84 · 02/08/2022 22:42

Doesn’t breadwinner just mean you are bringing in more money Than the other person.
surely a couple of hours of driving isn’t going to knock his breadwinner ego.
this is controlling.
does he let you do other things without his permission?
do you have to ask him for money to go for a coffee with friends for example?
he doesn’t want you having your own cash

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 22:49

Kona84 · 02/08/2022 22:42

Doesn’t breadwinner just mean you are bringing in more money Than the other person.
surely a couple of hours of driving isn’t going to knock his breadwinner ego.
this is controlling.
does he let you do other things without his permission?
do you have to ask him for money to go for a coffee with friends for example?
he doesn’t want you having your own cash

Not really no. But he puts it as telling him what I'm doing as opposed to asking. I went to visit my niece recently but it was like I was asking instead of telling him. I visited an old friend before Xmas and just told him I was going, he wasn't impressed and said I should have asked if he minded

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feelingfree17 · 02/08/2022 22:51

Why are you even putting yourself in such a vulnerable position. Don’t ever let anyone write the story of your life! You need to get a job.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 02/08/2022 22:53

So he's trying to isolate and control you? Leave him. Work as much as you want. If he's not likely to be dangerous you could simply sit him down and tell him you won't be having it anymore.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 23:02

TheWayoftheLeaf · 02/08/2022 22:53

So he's trying to isolate and control you? Leave him. Work as much as you want. If he's not likely to be dangerous you could simply sit him down and tell him you won't be having it anymore.

I'm not too sure on that one. He isnt the easiest to talk to about anything really. Regarding the delivering its because he's concerned about my safety from what he's said before

OP posts:
Aprilx · 03/08/2022 07:29

Duchessisawesome · 02/08/2022 22:49

Not really no. But he puts it as telling him what I'm doing as opposed to asking. I went to visit my niece recently but it was like I was asking instead of telling him. I visited an old friend before Xmas and just told him I was going, he wasn't impressed and said I should have asked if he minded

Show quote history

And you are an adult. You are allowed to tell your husband that you are planning to work (or whatever), you don’t need to ask. Does he ask you? I think I know the answer to that.

You shouldn’t need an emergency fund, I certainly don’t feel that I need one, but he same token I am glad you have one, but that you feel you need it in itself points to something not right here. When is the plan to use the emergency fund?

WeAreTheHeroes · 03/08/2022 07:32

You clearly think something is off if you've got a secret emergency fund. And it sounds as though it is. He sounds controlling. Run and keep running.

skilpadde · 03/08/2022 07:38

You post a question about him, get defensive at criticism of him, yet admit you have a fund you keep secret from him. It doesn't make much sense.

You don't his permission to get a job. His objection to you working is not pride; it's to keep you vulnerable.

Get a job. Observe his reaction... make your next life choices from that.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 08:11

skilpadde · 03/08/2022 07:38

You post a question about him, get defensive at criticism of him, yet admit you have a fund you keep secret from him. It doesn't make much sense.

You don't his permission to get a job. His objection to you working is not pride; it's to keep you vulnerable.

Get a job. Observe his reaction... make your next life choices from that.

I wasn't aware I was being defensive of him. I did do a couple of hours yesterday and he's gone all sulky on me now. The fund I have didn't start out as that. I was just saving for a rainy day, but my eyes are starting to open and people on here are opening them even more for me

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 03/08/2022 09:48

Do you have DC together, is that why you should have checked if he minded when you visited your niece.

AgentJohnson · 03/08/2022 09:56

You know this isn’t good. He wants to control you. The less controlling and abusive, yes abusive because the sulking is designed to manipulate you, version of him isn’t waiting around the corner.

Stick around only if you want this man to dismantle your self worth one chip at a time. Get out, now!!!!

jalapenita · 03/08/2022 10:10

Not being funny but how are your eyes just now starting to open? You're an adult you don't need to ask to do anything and you haven't needed to since you left your parents house. Don't leave yourself so vulnerable, get a job and see what his reaction his. If it's at all negative and not supportive you need a divorce to put it bluntly

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 10:17

Bananalanacake · 03/08/2022 09:48

Do you have DC together, is that why you should have checked if he minded when you visited your niece.

Hi. Sorry but I'm new to all this. What's DC lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 10:26

jalapenita · 03/08/2022 10:10

Not being funny but how are your eyes just now starting to open? You're an adult you don't need to ask to do anything and you haven't needed to since you left your parents house. Don't leave yourself so vulnerable, get a job and see what his reaction his. If it's at all negative and not supportive you need a divorce to put it bluntly

I think I've been blind to be honest🙄 its only when the kids started commenting about his behaviour I began to think seriously

OP posts:
twoandcooplease · 03/08/2022 10:42

DC is children. Do you have any kids with him?

lOPAS · 03/08/2022 10:46

Your husband is abusive and controlling. Sulking is a controlling act to try and get you to conform.

It's sad you can't even talk to your husband - says it all really.

Bananalanacake · 03/08/2022 10:48

DC means children but I see you've answered that. How old are they. If they are school age you can get a part time job. The only reason you need to check before going away is due to childcare.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2022 10:53

Children can and do notice far more than parents care to realise.

Growing up, did you see similar behaviour at home from dad towards mum?.

Abuse like you've had from your husband (and make no mistake, controlling behaviour is abusive) is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares over time. His sulking behaviour now is an example of emotional abuse designed to "punish" you for some transgression that he thinks you've done. Your children have noticed what he is like towards you which has prompted a degree of realisation from you.

How else can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. I would consider seeking legal advice here as knowledge too is power. These types of relationships go one way also; downhill. This is who he really is. I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Original poster
Duchessisawesome · 03/08/2022 10:54

Thank you for clarifying that. 2 kids. Ones 22 the other is 13, so no. It's not due to childcare. I've told him I'm going to see my nice again and he sounds happy for me. But on another note. I've just told him im going to see my brother and the kisses have stopped on his reply 🙄

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FictionalCharacter · 03/08/2022 10:54

This is awful. He controls you financially, wants you to ask his permission to visit a friend or relative, sulks when you do a couple of hours paid work, and won’t talk?
This isn’t concern about your safety, it’s a need to control you.

Hill1991 · 03/08/2022 11:08

He's controlling you and probably financially abusing you so you have to ask anytime you have to go see a someone, do you have access to the money without asking him