What made you separate or divorce?

[Blossom4538]

And are you happier now or do you regret it?

We argued over a kettle in John Lewis - a kettle that he wasn’t going to be using, because it was to furnish my bolt hole that I stayed in whilst working away from home; and then as a result of the argument he refused to come out to a celebration dinner with our friends. And I realised that we’d gotten to the stage in a relationship’s slow death where we were just arguing for the sake of argument, for something to do, because whatever the subject of the argument was, was a cover for all the issues we actually had which weren’t being addressed.

Yes, I’m much happier now, and so is he. I moved back to London, changed my life around entirely, am getting married next year. He gave up his job and bought a sailing boat. Selling our joint house ended up being a long and protracted affair, so we had to remain in contact for a couple of years afterwards and it gave our feelings towards each other a chance to mellow in that time. We’re now friendly enough that we meet for dinner or drinks from time to time and can have a laugh, just as we did when we first met. Breaking up was entirely the right thing to do - and I also have no regrets about having met him and having a relationship with him, either.

Just drifted apart really and in retrospect it was an accumulation of small things over the years. We also didn't really have the same view on how to approach later life. Still get on ok and like PP occasionally have drinks or a meal to sort any outstanding issues out

In the middle of separating and still hoping I am doing the right thing. In the end, it was mainly that our love life had died, and that we wanted very different things - he wants a bungalow and a quiet life in suburbia and I want to move abroad and travel the world and have adventures.

I don't regret being married as the first 10 years were great, but we were always very different people and it was always a bit of a gamble as to whether we'd end up pulling in different directions.

As to the point on whether I am happier it is mixed really. I can do what I want when I want which is liberating but I miss having someone to really talk to.

my ex was abusive, and I asked for a trial separation and for him to get some help during that period so we could try and put things back together. He didn't bother, just thought he could move back in...so I had no option other than divorce.

I am sad that the marriage didn't turn out to be what I hoped for (for me or the DC) but every day life is much, much easier without him in it. I miss the DC when they are with him, but I'm a better mum to them when they're with me because I'm much less stressed.

@uncertainalice
Exactly the same here

i couldn’t take the constant moaning, negativity & aggression any longer.

I am 100% happier & it’s been a year & ex is still being civil/amicable- although he texts every week trying to reconcile so no doubt when he accepts we’re not getting back together, the niceness might change!

I feel so much happier, calmer & relaxed.

It was never a 'good' marriage - we both married for the wrong reasons, I stayed far too long. The day I moved into my own home without him was one of the happiest of my life; we are both remarried now and I am much much happier.

I found out that he'd had a three-year relationship with another woman. I waited until both my kids had finished school, then I left him. I did it all on my own terms and I've never regretted it. He was nasty for a few months, but he quickly found another partner and moved on. I'm remarried and have never been happier.

I don't regret separating
What I regret is not having the self worth to reject someone who absolutely took the piss and was a massive walking red flag who most people wouldn't have touched with a barge pole
I regret getting married but I'm in 2 minds about saying I shouldn't have had a child with him as if I hadn't I might not have had dc at all which was the best thing I ever did

Never regret having your children

She was an alcoholic. The lies, deflection, sense of entitlement were worse than the actual constant drunkenness. I have never been happier since being apart.

Both retired.

Announced prepandemic he wanted to move from our ‘forever’ home (he’d fallen out with a couple of neighbours) I didn’t want to move, but he suggested we could move close to our married DD. I eventually agreed and she and her DH were excited.

The pandemic came, and when I started talking about it, he said ‘he had got over himself’ and he didn’t want to move anymore. Never apologised for changing his mind.

I realised this was the story of my life He has very expensive hobbies and no expense is spared. But when I wanted to spend money (I rarely do), suddenly we had to use our savings.

I asked if we could share the cooking, instead he started doing the dishwasher. But things that needed to go in the fridge overnight got left out and he put rhings away in the wrong drawers. Easy you’d think just to point these things out but my husband must NEVER be criticised or told what to do. Well not by me anyway.

I ended up seeing a therapist who told me he was treating me as a child, and I was suffering emotional abuse

His mental illness. After 30 years marriage and 20 years of him being ill
it is very sad
It was a safeguarding issue. we just can’t live together as he doesn’t want to be tied to taking medication when he “feels” well. And I can understand why he doesn’t want to take meds. It it simply wasn’t safe for me to be with him.

im still adjusting to being on my own at this stage in life. It isn’t easy and not a choice I’d have made if he’d not stopped taking meds. I am less stressed, exhausted and worn out. Less walking on egg shells. But I miss his company when he was well . He is still the best friend I ever had.

luckily our divorce was very quick, amicable and cheap - so it all happened relatively painlessly and we still speak quite often on the phone about the dc (adults) and other stuff.

I am stuck in a long marriage which gets worse year by year. We argue all the time, he is selfish and self absorbed, there is no peace in my life but he will only agree to a separation in the middle of a row but then he goes back on it.

I don't have family and I have very little money of my own. I often wish he would die. I'm having therapy and trying to build up the courage and a plan of action to separate. Thanks for posting this thread, I'm hanging on for lots of answers, it really helps seeing all the positivity post separation.

He pulled all the strings. Breakdown was my fault, I was abusive, he was unhappy. I believed him.
The reality was he was shagging someone else but after his first marriage ending the same way (not me) he wanted to look like the hurt person.

It took me a long time to realise it wasn't me. He rarely saw our son overnight, never took him away etc. Blamed me for that. Blamed me for son's anxiety despite the way DS used to cower when his dad frequently shouted.

8 years on, new job, confident with an amazing, emotionally intelligent son I realise how narcissistic he was
and how bloody abusive.
I am not looking for love now. Even now. Happy to just be me and could never go back there.

Bit of this:
Just drifted apart really and in retrospect it was an accumulation of small things over the years. We also didn't really have the same view on how to approach later life.
Combined with this:
We were always very different people and it was always a bit of a gamble as to whether we'd end up pulling in different directions.

With some death by a thousand cuts and 10 years’ worth of resentments thrown in. He’s a decent bloke but the relationship was heavily flawed from the start and we ended up on completely different paths wanting totally different things from life. He sees the kids EOW and Disney dads the fuck out of them, I do all the actual parenting - same as always. But much easier on my own. Realised after we split just how far we’d drifted and how little was left - turned out I’d been emotionally checking out for so long that i wasn’t actually upset about the split, just overwhelmingly relieved.
No regrets at all. I moved on quickly and have been with him nearly a year now and it’s utterly utterly amazing. I wish I’d known what it could have been like and the standard I should have been holding out for before I got with exH but was young and daft and thought security was the best I was going to get. Am so so much happier now, DP is totally wonderful but even if we split I’d be far better off on my own than with exH. He hates me for having the audacity to leave him and can barely bring himself to be civil but that’s fine, he mostly leaves me alone and I get on with life without his input (much like when we were married tbh!).

The answer to the question about why changes based on the day.

But I'm always glad I divorced him.

I understand from friends he's in a happy relationship with a child. I'm in a happy relationship with a child.

He doesn’t have to agree. And, in the Uk if you are there, starting point for division of assets is 50/50 especially for a long marriage.

The answer is YES I’m much happier now!! I’ve never regretted it.
I have 5 children from 2 relationships.
My first two children (now 15 & 18!) I had with my ex husband. The relationship ended when he came home from work one day and out of nowhere told me he’s not in love with me anymore and he’s leaving. Our daughter just turned 2 and I was heavily pregnant with our son. Even though it came as a huge shock and I had no idea at all, I know it was the best thing for him to leave and it made me a stronger and more independent person! I discovered he had been seeing someone else so, as painful and soul destroying as it was at the time, I’m glad he went. There was never any question of trying to work through it or even wanting to. Once you’ve been betrayed there’s no trust left and that’s no way to live.
My youngest 3 children I had in my most recent relationship that I chose to end in 2020. It had been a 10 year relationship with a controlling narcissist who was emotionally and physically abusive. It took me a long time to end it (for many reasons) but I haven’t regretted it for a second. I’m angry at myself for not throwing him out sooner lol! I haven’t cried one single tear from that day to now. I’ve never questioned my decision. It was literally like someone had flipped a switch…immediately I felt happier, more relaxed, at ease. I saw the change in my children almost immediately as well. None of us were negatively affected by him leaving the house. This showed me I’d made the right decision for me and my children!
I have one piece of advice for anyone in a similar situation who is questioning whether or not to end a relationship and that is … don’t be afraid to be alone, don’t stay in an unhappy relationship out of habit or for the sake of your children - they will be fine and they will be better off with a happy single parent than in a toxic environment with unhappy parents.
For any woman who is scared at the thought of raising children alone…don’t be!!!! You can do it! I’ve been through it twice now. I was a single mother of 2 children at the age of 23! And then again with 5 children at the age of 37!

Classic midlife crisis. One day he announced he was done and left. It took a long time to catch up as I was left out of the memo of him being unhappy for years. I think he thought I'd be supportive and he was very shocked when I wasn't. In the US it's called wife abandonment syndrome. There is a script. It's spooky how they all follow it.

On the plus side the single life is great now that I've made peace with the way he unilaterally ended the marriage. I do what I want, when I want and there is no grumpy middle aged man to factor in.

Met at 18, had a house and baby at 21. He was unreliable with money, work, he had a nasty temper and was emotional abusive. I was too afraid to leave but I did cut my self off from him so we started living separate lives. He left me to "teach me a lesson" and fully expected I would realise how lucky I was and start behaving. What happened was, I gained the confidence to realise I could live alone. I knew I would be happier alone than with him. Do I changed the locks and filed for divorce.

Negativity, gaslighting, emotional financial and physical abuse. No idea why I stayed so long, absolutely no regrets and happily moved on.

Negativity, His drinking and depression. His constant criticism and jealousy of our teenage son that culminated in him attacking our son while he was drunk . We are both so much happier. I regret I didn’t get my son out of that toxic environment sooner as he is now flourishing. I am working harder than ever but love being able to do what I want when I want without someone moaning. He did have a good sense of humour though and when he was sober we had a lot of laughs that I sometimes miss.

Drinking, controlling, grumpy, self-centred and not having my back during some major life crises. But we looked happy on the outside and had a great lifestyle.

Never, ever have I regretted leaving. I love my independence and I've never been happier or more me 😁 and I will never suffer walking on eggshells shells for a man ever again.