What made you separate or divorce?

[Blossom4538]

And are you happier now or do you regret it?

He was abusive and selfish although I didnt see it at the time.

He refused to get help for depression over the course of 2 years even though I pleaded with him and I had to suffer at the ends of his mood swings and being constantly ignored in favour of playing his xbox with his friends.

He controlled all the money after we had DD, while I was on maternity leave I basically had to campaign for any purchase other than groceries, and I was made to feel nervous everytime I needed to ask him for his card to pay for something - because of course he refused to set up a joint account.

I went back to work and started earning and gaining my financial independence and then told him I wanted a divorce.

It took him a month to realise I meant it when I said it was not OK for him to climb into the same bed as me, and then 6 months to move out to his parents. When I was clearing out his stuff I found evidence that he'd been having emotional affairs at the very least since our DD was born.

We're still arguing through solicitors over the shares in the house 12 months later as all he cares about is money.

He upped and left to go live with his new girlfriend at the other end of the country, completely abandoned our DD and the contact he did have with her. Attempted to financially blackmail me with child maintenance when I dared to disagree with him about why DD should have a regular contact schedule if he wants to see her (he thought he'd just flit in and out as and when he saw fit) , and has since described me as pure evil to a mutual friend because I'm 'stealing his money' through CMS. He hasn't seen DD for 5 months now.

I don't regret having her but I do regret saddling her with such a shitty father.

I found out she was cheating with someone she worked with,
it was a really difficult period as for a while I couldn’t work why I wasn’t good enough for her and what more I could have done , but I’m over that, I saw her at my son’s graduation recently, she looked fat middle aged and grumpy, so no regrets after all.

His drinking (and I found out later drug taking), and all the associated shit and abuse which comes with that! We had separated because the plan was for him to get clean/sober/work on getting his shit sorted so that our marriage actually had a chance of working. That didn’t work as it turned out he’d been seeing OW (who also like drinking/drugs) on the sly, and they moved in together pretty soon after. They broke up about 4 months later and since then he’s been wanting to come back, but I pressed on with divorce.

Re: divorce. It broke my heart but I also felt relief that I’d never have to suffer all the abuse and shit that came with his drinking/drug taking etc.

i don’t regret the divorce, given the circumstances. I should have done it sooner, but had been trying anything and everything to get things to work, help him etc. I do feel sad that the marriage didn’t work out because of his drinking etc. He still says he loves me, wants to get back with me etc. I love the person he used to be, before drink/drugs turned him into a monster.

I don’t ever want to live with a man again. I don’t want a relationship and I never want to put my heart in the firing line again. I’m happy now, my kids are happy and settled, I have a peaceful and calm home. I can plan things and not worry all the time about what will happen next and that is priceless.

You see, my H and I have been together for a long time, from quite a young age, married and have children. Life isn’t easy due to various pressures so that has probably put a slight strain on things but we generally get in well, are perhaps more snappy and irritable with each other. He’s a thoroughly good man and his family are lovely, we’re quite close.

BUT, we have no sex life and haven’t for years. I crave more love and affection. We always hug which is lovely and tell each other we love each other - kiss, just very small pecks occasionally. I feel no desire at all to have sex or be more intimate in that way. But in the past I had a high sex drive, always higher than his. He was a virgin when we met.

I feel like I miss out but can’t imagine being without him. It feels like very affectionate, caring friends. He is a super Dad most of the time, but has become a lot more grumpy and irritable with age. I sometimes feel as though I’m not good enough at keeping the house clean and tidy etc and he gets frustrated, but he never says anything outright or is mean or anything. He just gets stressed and can be quite intense about clutter and tidiness etc.

I have started having feelings for someone else, someone who nothing can really ever happen with and of course, I am married. He has been totally cautious and not done anything, not sure if he feels the same way, but we’ve had some heavy, intense atmospheres when we’ve been together and lots of deep eye contact. Sometimes he doesn’t stop and is really lovely and others he tends to pull away. All I want to do is grab him for a huge hug and stare deeply into his gorgeous eyes! Im so awful.

I can’t imagine things changing, being without H and his family, losing our lovely home (I don’t currently work, he is the breadwinner) although I am lucky enough to be possibly being gifted around 50k soon, from family, which H and I will share.
However, I miss excitement, intimacy, sex, deep love. I do catch my H checking me out, he compliments me lots, even more so recently.

im just not sure what to do really

Like others, I too was left out of being told he'd been unhappy for 10 years! Basically he was having an affair and then came out as a transvestite.

I'm sad that he never gave us the opportunity to talk things through due to his embarrassment ... and just like that, he was gone.

25 years of being 'happy' with him...

OP be careful, sounds like you're going to risk destroying the confidence and well-being of a good person who loves you. Don't get involved with the other behind your H's back-it's hurtful and damaging.

I have said this before on here - Briefly, the final straw was when he killed my dog's tiny puppies and left them for me to find and deal with when I get home. He also hit my son. That was it, he was out that day and never set foot in my home, or the same room as ds ever again.

I realised his problems were not my problems and the DC and I would be much happier without him. That was two years ago last month. He still tries to entangle me in his emotional and psychological traps (we are coparents but in reality I do about 75% of it) but I am wise to it now. I am now in a very happy and healthy relationship with someone who knows how to love and it is like night and day compared to my marriage. Zero regrets!

Firstly, you need to get a job, because if it ends you need to be able to support yourself.

Never did I think I would ever say it but yes a million times over I am so much happier. Spilt 4 years ago and just finalising the divorce. Only started that process 7 months ago. I wish I had done it all sooner. It's made me a stronger person and set firm boundaries. I am now with my soulmate who enriches the life I already have and loves me for who I am. Life is too short.

He cheated. I thought I was happily married but am so, so much happier now.

Honestly? A sexless marriage with a pompous man made me check out emotionally. Met someone else. Knew I wanted to be with him. Left H. Blissfully happy now.

No regrets at all.

He cheated over and over. Much happier without him.

24 years of jealousy, possessiveness and just out right anger. 12 years in counselling made little difference. Constantly accused of liaisons with other women yet it was her infidelity that caused a rift. So much happier on the other side, had a few subsequent brief relationships but been with the same lady nearly 7 years.

A thousand reasons, I have never felt more lonely than I did in that marriage. Not for one second since the words came out of my mouth have I regretted it. Not that it's not been difficult, divorcing him was hell and I thought the stress was going to kill me at times but there's not ben a moment's regret about the divorce. The marriage? That's a different story! 😉

His alcohol addiction and the behaviour that came from it, specifically his negativity towards our DDs. If you heard him talk about them, you'd think they were off the rails, doing drugs, failing school, getting pregnant, in trouble all round. Their only actual crime? They occasionally said 'fuck'.

The split itself was incredibly traumatic and he died before the nisi was pronounced, but the only thing I regret is that I didn't take action much sooner.

I realise this was posted a month ago, but we're in a similar place. Decent man, good dad to our kids (still primary aged), he cooks, earns plenty, nice family, we even still have sex. No one's been abusive, neither of us have cheated. However he's often very critical, sometimes sarcastic, short tempered, tense, generally more cynical and pessimistic than me. I don't feel emotionally supported, we don't see life in the same way. After a rough patch a couple of years ago he said maybe we should divorce - I was horrified at first but have since thought maybe some aspects of life would be easier apart. We're doing counseling. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision and so is he... Obviously I'm grateful not to be in the position some have been in, where it's a total breakdown. The fact it's not clear cut makes the decision doubly difficult though

I finally stopped pretending and accepted that he didn’t have my back and I didn’t respect him. Since I called it in May 2015 I’ve had not one regret, only joy and peace

Completely moved apart as people. We no longer had any common interests, it was difficult just to keep a simple conversation going, and our sex life was totally non-existent. I don't regret separating one iota, although I do still miss the person my ex was for the first 10 years or so we were together.

Emotional abuse

Yes I am happier now

His adultery over and over and sheer selfishness. Him putting his momma first before his own kids. I could write a book. I was sad at first but then realised I had become codependent and he was abusive. I don't regret it but am sad at the impact on the kids and implosion of the family. It still hurts at times the way someone can treat their wife of 2 decades and the mother of their children so callously. But I have moved on and realised it was all one sided.

I couldn't take the constant criticism about my food, my car, my home. Whatever I did, he wanted me to spend more and it became joyless.
It was absolutely the right thing to end it. I'm much happier. He's tried to come back a couple of times but I'm not interested.

I’m so worried as my soon to be ex husband has refused my 50/50 offer of out assets and is going for 60%. How likely is it that he will win? I am terrified to go to court. We earned the same amount of money full time but he’s gone down to three days a week since we split saying he earns less so should get 60% and he’s 5 years older than me and I will earn more money for this reason before I retire. I’m unsure if I should just accept the 40% but feel it is massively unfair. I’m a very emotional person and if I go to court I’ll just cry all the way through it. Opinions please.

Domestic abuse/violence.

I don't regret getting divorced!