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Original poster

Partner accused of flirting with local married barmaid by her mother in law who owns the pub....

75 replies

Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 06:19

My partner drinks at the local pub it's 5 mins walk from where we live and he goes few times a week after work with his male friends. He has told me yesterday while on a walk that he was talking to the barmaid and the barmaids mother in law who owns the pub came out of the back and said along the lines of "are you finished flirting or when you're done flirting etc" all I heard at the time was flirting Angry now this might to all sound silly as a lot of men flirt with barmaids I get that. But I asked him what he had been talking about and he said this

"It was the day after we went to place name and I went to the pub and she asked what I had been up too, she then suggest place name and said it looks like abroad on a nice day"

He claims this was the conversation that warranted that comment off her mother in law??

Now I'm not upset that he was chatting with her and I don't for a second believe he has cheated on me ever. I just hate that this sounds very unbelievable.

He claims the woman that said it doesn't really like him and it was an unusual comment. What the fuck do I do? I left it yesterday when he told me and didn't react it was a bit of a shock. He said he wanted to tell me the day it happened but felt like he couldn't because I would over react. Not long after the walk he was being very loving and telling me he's lucky to have me etc and kissing me on the forehead.

I feel sick inside like there is more to this than he is telling me. If it was 100% innocent why has he even felt the need to tell me the comment was made????

What do I do? Can I ask him for more details or should I just let it go. I can't stop thinking about it now. But don't want to push him to a point he can't tell me anything in the future from fear of a bad reaction

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 01/08/2022 06:24

He’s given you this piece of information, no one can know whether it’s because he wants to be open with you or because there is something more to this.

why do you think there is a possibility of there being more to this?

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 06:32

ivykaty44 · 01/08/2022 06:24

He’s given you this piece of information, no one can know whether it’s because he wants to be open with you or because there is something more to this.

why do you think there is a possibility of there being more to this?

I think there might be more to it because he has previously told me how much he likes this woman and how outgoing and friendly she is (and I know her as well and she actually is) but he makes this comment a lot.

I also think it's a strange comment for a mother in law to make about her own sons wife. Even as a joke.

The mother in law is the land lady and last time I saw her in the pub with a few others drinking she seemed off with me. Not as chatty or friendly. I told me partner this after and he tried to make out she's not a nice woman or that she doesn't like him but he's never told me she doesn't like him before

OP posts:
ConfusedGin · 01/08/2022 07:00

I read the "when you're done flirting" comment as being aimed towards the DiL eg "when you've finished, can you do xyz job?"

Without the context it's hard to know if that might have been an in joke between them or bad feeling in their relationship.

Camesawconquered · 01/08/2022 07:02

I would read that as her using a jokey way to tell the barmaid to get back to work.

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:04

Thank you I never saw it from that perspective. I can see how that would be said as "get back to work" just find it unusual for someone to say it to their sons wife though?

OP posts:
BillLius · 01/08/2022 07:05

Go to a different pub.

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:06

BillLius · 01/08/2022 07:05

Go to a different pub.

It's the only pub in the village. My partner grew up here so he knows everyone I'm new to the area.

OP posts:
FurAndFeathers · 01/08/2022 07:07

It sounds like she doesn’t like her DIL very much

saraclara · 01/08/2022 07:09

In that context did he mention this? Were you already talking about the pub/these people, it did he bring it up out of nowhere?

And yes, normally it'd be a 'get on with your work'comment from the landlord and nothing to give a second thought to.

SparklingLime · 01/08/2022 07:11

Agree that it is odd that he mentioned it to you. Trust your instincts.

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:13

saraclara · 01/08/2022 07:09

In that context did he mention this? Were you already talking about the pub/these people, it did he bring it up out of nowhere?

And yes, normally it'd be a 'get on with your work'comment from the landlord and nothing to give a second thought to.

We had gone on a walk yesterday just down to the beach so we sat on the beach for half an hour and I can't remember exactly how it came up but we had been talking about the place we visited as we did a boat ride there and then I said we should also go to place as on a sunny day you genuinely feel like you're in another country and he said barmaids name suggested we try another place she has been to and said it looked like abroad then he told me that's when the comment was made as the Mother in law had come from the back (the kitchen door is behind the bar) he said he wanted to tell me the day it was said. But why tell me now? What does it matter if it was a joke

OP posts:
Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:15

SparklingLime · 01/08/2022 07:11

Agree that it is odd that he mentioned it to you. Trust your instincts.

Thank you my insides are churning. I know it's never going to be a cheating case but I also feel he's holding something back. So either tell me all of it or don't tell me at all

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 01/08/2022 07:15

Honestly I would take it that her m’n’law thinks the barmaid likes your husband or that she thinks the barmaid is a flirt in general.

JasmineVioletRose · 01/08/2022 07:15

Sounds like he wanted to tell you in case it was misconstrued later.

How old are you?

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:16

JasmineVioletRose · 01/08/2022 07:15

Sounds like he wanted to tell you in case it was misconstrued later.

How old are you?

I'm. 32 he's 41 the barmaid is closer to his age

OP posts:
WinterMusings · 01/08/2022 07:19

I think the weirdest part is him bothering to tell you. It just sounds like a 'stop chatting & do some work' type comment. Was he trying to make you jealous?

Even if he was flirting, it's not exactly shagging her on the bar is it?

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:22

ittakes2 · 01/08/2022 07:15

Honestly I would take it that her m’n’law thinks the barmaid likes your husband or that she thinks the barmaid is a flirt in general.

This is what I thought because he has told me a few times how nice she is and how chatty and he likes her as a barmaid etc

OP posts:
PinaColadaSunset · 01/08/2022 07:25

I’d see it as a jokey comment aimed at the DiL rather than an accusation: “When you’ve finished chatting / gossiping / flirting, can you get back to work”. However unless you know the relationship between MiL and DiL it is impossible to know whether the comment was barbed.

Sounds like your DP has taken it very literally although again if he often talks to this barmaid then perhaps MiL has picked up on it.

Not sure why he chose to tell you. I’d let it go because as you say there is no evidence of him lying or being inappropriate. However if he continues to mention this woman (barmaid) in his conversations with you I would be a bit more suspicious. I don’t tell my DP of every conversation I have unless significant and if I kept mentioning one person in particular I think it would raise alarm bells.

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:25

WinterMusings · 01/08/2022 07:19

I think the weirdest part is him bothering to tell you. It just sounds like a 'stop chatting & do some work' type comment. Was he trying to make you jealous?

Even if he was flirting, it's not exactly shagging her on the bar is it?

That's my point though. No he's not shagging her on the bar but this is my local now too and how embarrassing to spend time with them both in future at this pub if they are sneakily having these interactions in front of people in public. If they fancy each other or if they are beginning something. Now the mother in law knows (if there is anything to know as I said I don't believe he's cheating) so already it's making me feel uneasy

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 01/08/2022 07:28

Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:22

This is what I thought because he has told me a few times how nice she is and how chatty and he likes her as a barmaid etc

Show quote history

Yeah he possibly followed it up with some flirty banter he's neglecting to mention. Eg: ok you take me there then wink wink ... you can do the suncream wink wink ..

That is 100% pure speculation btw. I'm just trying to think of how a flirty but innocent conversation could be taken as very flirty plus I agree the MIL was telling DIL to do some bloody work 😂

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:28

PinaColadaSunset · 01/08/2022 07:25

I’d see it as a jokey comment aimed at the DiL rather than an accusation: “When you’ve finished chatting / gossiping / flirting, can you get back to work”. However unless you know the relationship between MiL and DiL it is impossible to know whether the comment was barbed.

Sounds like your DP has taken it very literally although again if he often talks to this barmaid then perhaps MiL has picked up on it.

Not sure why he chose to tell you. I’d let it go because as you say there is no evidence of him lying or being inappropriate. However if he continues to mention this woman (barmaid) in his conversations with you I would be a bit more suspicious. I don’t tell my DP of every conversation I have unless significant and if I kept mentioning one person in particular I think it would raise alarm bells.

Well this is another reason I'm concerned. Why did he feel the need to tell me at all? Unless he honestly thought himself it was a strange comment for such an innocent conversation? I love him and I am new to the area he has lived here his whole life I just don't want to look like an idiot if he's playing this game behind my back and others know about it. He's not cheating I can pretty much guarantee that we see each other every day I have no reasons to believe he's got time for that but I just fail to see how that comment can be made on a suggestion of where to visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:30

Squirrel that went through my head too. That he had made a flirty comment afterwards towards her. Trust me my head has been over EVERY scenario lol

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/08/2022 07:31

I reckon MIL was joking and he was a little flattered.

MontanaMountains · 01/08/2022 07:33

Sounds like he has a crush on the barmaid - the mentionitis, and now this strange "confession". I suspect there's more that he hasn't told you, but he's getting his version in first incase you hear different from someone else.

ShirleyJackson · 01/08/2022 07:33

You’re going to have to talk to him. Tell him everything you’ve said on here.

It does sound like he’s got mentionitis. Maybe he fancies her a bit (it’s allowed, he’s partnered up, not dead), then the MIL’s comment made him feel a bit busted, so he felt he had to tell you about it?

If so, it’s not the end of the world. Maybe it was the bucket of cold water he needed.

Then again, that could be total nonsense - so talk to him!