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Original poster

Partner accused of flirting with local married barmaid by her mother in law who owns the pub....

75 replies

Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 06:19

My partner drinks at the local pub it's 5 mins walk from where we live and he goes few times a week after work with his male friends. He has told me yesterday while on a walk that he was talking to the barmaid and the barmaids mother in law who owns the pub came out of the back and said along the lines of "are you finished flirting or when you're done flirting etc" all I heard at the time was flirting Angry now this might to all sound silly as a lot of men flirt with barmaids I get that. But I asked him what he had been talking about and he said this

"It was the day after we went to place name and I went to the pub and she asked what I had been up too, she then suggest place name and said it looks like abroad on a nice day"

He claims this was the conversation that warranted that comment off her mother in law??

Now I'm not upset that he was chatting with her and I don't for a second believe he has cheated on me ever. I just hate that this sounds very unbelievable.

He claims the woman that said it doesn't really like him and it was an unusual comment. What the fuck do I do? I left it yesterday when he told me and didn't react it was a bit of a shock. He said he wanted to tell me the day it happened but felt like he couldn't because I would over react. Not long after the walk he was being very loving and telling me he's lucky to have me etc and kissing me on the forehead.

I feel sick inside like there is more to this than he is telling me. If it was 100% innocent why has he even felt the need to tell me the comment was made????

What do I do? Can I ask him for more details or should I just let it go. I can't stop thinking about it now. But don't want to push him to a point he can't tell me anything in the future from fear of a bad reaction

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 01/08/2022 07:35

I would think that is typical pub banter and wouldn't worry about it. Maybe your husband was just worried that the word flirting was going to bite him later even though he was just chatting?

ittakes2 · 01/08/2022 07:35

I think he is telling you because he wants to be honest with you. He is maybe thinking the barmaid likes him and thinks you should know now so if it comes out later it doesn’t look like he was hiding that.

RozaPoza · 01/08/2022 07:35

I think it's odd he mentioned it because if there was nothing to it: I wasn't flirting and there is never any flirting and I have no feelings towards this person, then that comment wouldn't have even stuck in my head and I'd have forgotten about it. It sounds like he feels guilty perhaps there is some flirting either way.
MIL saying it could be:


  • get back to work you harlot

  • she knows her DIL is a flirt maybe even cheated on her son

  • she's annoyed at your husband for holding her hostage in a conversation

But none of it matters it's the fact he mentioned it the next day.
Maybe he was flattered and actually does fancy her or the idea of her being into him or maybe he was indeed flirting.
I imagine he knew there would be a day where you go in the pub and was pre anticipating any awkwardness or stares or comments from the barmaid or the MIL.

notacooldad · 01/08/2022 07:36

I read the "when you're done flirting" comment as being aimed towards the DiL eg "when you've finished, can you do xyz job?"
That's exactly how I read it was well! I thought you were making a mountain out of a mole hill tbh.

It's a common enough expeessionwhere I live. Eg ' oi! When youve finished chatting her up can you......' usually said by some disgruntled boss!🤣

Flowersintheattic57 · 01/08/2022 07:42

Isn’t a friendly, chatty barmaid an asset to a pub though? Surely it’s part of a good pub to have friendly staff, and if you’re local the staff may well be people you know anyway, or get to know.
The mother in law sounds like she has less than optimal management skills as that is not a respectful way to speak to a member of staff regardless of family connection.
I think he told you because the mother in law was so off, he likes going to his local , he likes seeing the friendly staff and his mates, and the mother in law just spoiled his enjoyment with her unpleasant talk.

moistmingemist · 01/08/2022 07:56

Next time you go to the pub together see how they interact. Also check his phone. He's got mentionitus.

Thinkingblonde · 01/08/2022 08:10

I think the MIL was telling the barmaid to get back to work, she might flirt with a lot of men, not doing her job and the glasses are piling up and MIL is letting her know she’s on to it.
If your bloke keeps mentioning the barmaid a lot say “You keep mentioning her a lot, anyone would think you fancied her. Do you? “
If he does fancy her he’ll know you’ve noticed.
If he doesn’t, it’ll make him think of what it could look like to others.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 01/08/2022 08:10

Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 07:04

Thank you I never saw it from that perspective. I can see how that would be said as "get back to work" just find it unusual for someone to say it to their sons wife though?

She maybe doesn't like her son's wife. 😂And potentially, if she was flirting, doesn't like seeing her son's wife flirting with other men, it's a betrayal in her eyes to her son.

MaxOverTheMoon · 01/08/2022 08:14

Honestly OP I think you're MASSIVELY overthinking this. So what if he was flirting or having a bit of banter with the barmaid? If you think he's shagging her then that's one thing, but you keep saying you don't think that.. he's allowed to chat to people and have a laugh. You can't police his every words or conversations, you'll drive yourself crazy doing that.

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 08:31

MaxOverTheMoon · 01/08/2022 08:14

Honestly OP I think you're MASSIVELY overthinking this. So what if he was flirting or having a bit of banter with the barmaid? If you think he's shagging her then that's one thing, but you keep saying you don't think that.. he's allowed to chat to people and have a laugh. You can't police his every words or conversations, you'll drive yourself crazy doing that.

This is my point though I'm ok with him being at the pub and having whatever conversations he has but why come home and tell me? If I don't know then I can't overthink it. Why wait a few weeks then tell me? I know all guys flirt I was a barmaid for 5 years and had my friendly "job related" persona taken out of context. But her own mother in law?

OP posts:
Aly2577 · 01/08/2022 08:55

The mother-in-law may have a very jokey relationship with the barmaid. I worked in a shop with regular male customers and used to laugh and flirt with them, and this is something my manager would say to me as a joke. Also at times there were customers who would monopolise my time and this kind of comment would hurry them along. You should be open with him and ask to discuss it further.

Hiddenvoice · 01/08/2022 09:05

I think the mother In law was having a joke with her and pretty much telling her to get back to work. Everyone has different relationships and that might be theirs to joke about things.
i think he told you incase it ever came up in the pub and you’d be blindsided.
He may have some Flirty banter with her but it might not actually mean anything. It’s bothering you so you need to talk to him about it. Just simply ask why he told you and honestly say it’s been on your mind.

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 01/08/2022 09:14

How long have you been together OP?

baileys6904 · 01/08/2022 09:20

I'm also on the ' massively overthinking this' opinion.

Also we slam blokes for not telling us stuff and saying it's suspicious, and then slamming them for telling us. Can't do right for doing wrong.

Incidentally I used to get accused of flirting from people all the time. I wasn't. I was having the audicty for talking to blokes and laughing. I think it was the laughing that did it. Flirting is subjective. If you trust your partner, then don't let some random incident ruin your relationship

IfIHadAHeart · 01/08/2022 09:22

I mean this in the nicest way OP, but I think the problem here is you.

its not normal to obsess over something so insignificant to this degree. Even though you’ve wasted a ridiculous amount of time thinking about it you’ve not managed to come up with one shred of evidence that there’s anything untoward going on. I think you need to let this go.

i feel a bit sorry for your partner, it must be exhausting being in a relationship with you if this is what you’re like over every little thing. Have you thought about getting help for your anxiety before you push him away completely?

CharlotteOH · 01/08/2022 09:27

Well that was a very bitchy thing for the mother in law to say to her employee, sounds like she was deliberately humiliating the barmaid, and the impact on your DH is incidental to the messed up relationship between two women who don’t like each other and shouldn’t be working together.

I wouldn’t give it another thought. Given how you’re worrying and analysing it on this thread, I can see why your DH didn’t mention it straight away, he probably didn’t want drama.

The only thing you know for certain is that the mother in law deliberately humiliated her employee in public. So she’s obviously a dick and I wouldn’t give her anymore space in your head.

girlmom21 · 01/08/2022 09:31

I know all guys flirt I was a barmaid for 5 years and had my friendly "job related" persona taken out of context. But her own mother in law

Mother in laws can have banter too. It's only on MN where their DILs all hate them.

Alternatively, maybe her MIL is fed up with her 'job related persona' because she finds it disrespectful to her son.

Either way your DP is just the bloke who was there at the time.

CuriositysCat · 01/08/2022 09:33

I think you’re overreacting. MIL was using a put-down to get barmaid to do more work. Unless you’ve got other reasons to suspect your partner, I’d forget about it.

TheCatterall · 01/08/2022 09:34

Honestly think you are blowing this out of proportion. I work on a bar. I have spent many years behind a bar. This is banter. This is what we’d say to each other if someone was chatting - innocently etc to someone after a while to gee them on. I have used this comment and generally zero flirting is occurring.

i mean he told her where you’d been. She suggested somewhere else. How awful.

id tell my chap if I liked a member of staff make or female. Like they were nice and friendly and made me feel welcome rather than poe faced and miserable. Being made to feel welcome is a big thing in your local. It’s part of the reason I go to ours. The staff are amazing and create a friendly atmosphere.

are you sure you aren’t looking for problems where non exist. Maybe the mil was having a bad day when you went in before. Maybe she was tired etc.

Danoo · 01/08/2022 09:37

I think it's odd he told you this. Sounds like he could be preparing a story for later. depending on what you hear. Depending on what ''defence'' he needs.

Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 09:53

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 01/08/2022 09:14

How long have you been together OP?

4yrs

OP posts:
Original poster
Hawthorne1990 · 01/08/2022 09:56

Danoo · 01/08/2022 09:37

I think it's odd he told you this. Sounds like he could be preparing a story for later. depending on what you hear. Depending on what ''defence'' he needs.

I thought this too as the mother in law knows me as his partner so she's made that comment to two adults in committed relationships. Seems highly unusual they aren't two teens.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 01/08/2022 09:56

I think the barmaid has a MIL problem.

AgentJohnson · 01/08/2022 10:09

Your reaction is quite extreme, especially for someone who proclaims that this couldn’t be a cheating issue.

I think you think he was flirting with the barmaid (given his past mentionitus). He’s told you what was said because he fears it will get back to you and he casually got in there first. The MIL has called out her DIL for spending too much time with your bf and not enough time doing her job.

You can’t move forward until you acknowledge where you currently are, which is deep down you don’t trust your bf.

SummerIsComingNowish · 01/08/2022 10:45

If you are in a small village he was probably worried about someone else who over heard them telling you about it, info in a small village can grow arms and legs very quickly so he was probably just making sure.
I think if MIL had heard a man and woman having a laugh together someone of her generation would refer to that as flirting, I don't hear my mum or gran referring to anything as banter like we would, I can imagine my gran asking if a man was 'chatting me up' if I was having an innocent conversation with him iyswim