Partner accused of flirting with local married barmaid by her mother in law who owns the pub....

[Hawthorne1990]

My partner drinks at the local pub it's 5 mins walk from where we live and he goes few times a week after work with his male friends. He has told me yesterday while on a walk that he was talking to the barmaid and the barmaids mother in law who owns the pub came out of the back and said along the lines of "are you finished flirting or when you're done flirting etc" all I heard at the time was flirting now this might to all sound silly as a lot of men flirt with barmaids I get that. But I asked him what he had been talking about and he said this

"It was the day after we went to place name and I went to the pub and she asked what I had been up too, she then suggest place name and said it looks like abroad on a nice day"

He claims this was the conversation that warranted that comment off her mother in law??

Now I'm not upset that he was chatting with her and I don't for a second believe he has cheated on me ever. I just hate that this sounds very unbelievable.

He claims the woman that said it doesn't really like him and it was an unusual comment. What the fuck do I do? I left it yesterday when he told me and didn't react it was a bit of a shock. He said he wanted to tell me the day it happened but felt like he couldn't because I would over react. Not long after the walk he was being very loving and telling me he's lucky to have me etc and kissing me on the forehead.

I feel sick inside like there is more to this than he is telling me. If it was 100% innocent why has he even felt the need to tell me the comment was made????

What do I do? Can I ask him for more details or should I just let it go. I can't stop thinking about it now. But don't want to push him to a point he can't tell me anything in the future from fear of a bad reaction

He's spending 4 evenings a week in this pub and has mentionitis. I think he's been flirting and it's been noticed. He's getting in with his spin before you hear from someone else!
Not saying he's cheated but I think he's been conducting himself in a way that he knows isn't entirely okay for someone who has a partner.
Time he spent more time at home and less in the pub imo.

If you believe your partner why are so upset by the actions of this other person?

But when people flirt with me I don't go home and tell my partner. I don't need to know he's been flirting. Was he bringing it up to cover his own back? Did he feel guilty? Like he was admitting it to me before anyone else said anything.

There's a bit of a difference between a one off flirt with someone you'll never see again and regular flirting with a person you see multiple times per week!
The first is harmless fun, the second has potential to tip into the beginning of an affair.
So if this was my dp I'd want to know just how much flirting has been going on. How much time is he spending with his mates in the pub and how much is he propping up the bar chatting to the barmaid?

He might not want to stop going to this pub because it's local, he grew up there etc, but if he's not quite telling you the whole truth, then he (and you) have some choices to make!

If the mil is making barbed comments and making her dislike of a paying customer clear (and that is spilling over into her being off with you too), then it sounds like he's been shitting in his own nest and it's been noticed and he's being warned. Which is why he's getting in with you now and laying the groundwork in case you hear gossip.

It probably hasn't gone too far yet and he sounds like mil has put the wind up him, but in your shoes I'd still want to know more.

Does your partner usually regale you with the minutia of his utterly unremarkable conversations with barmaids? Tell you how outgoing & friendly other women are?

Because either you are overly invested in policing his day to day conversations - OR, he is winding you up & undermining you by deliberately making you feel insecure.

I would wonder why my partner needed to tell me about a barmaid's MiL's commentary. Whether the word flirting was used or not. I'd want to work out what his agenda was in highlighting the fact that he finds this woman attractive. Is it Mentionitis, do you think OP?

Maybe the MIL was sick of watching her chatting (not just with your partner but other regulars too) and wanted her to get back to work.

I wouldn't overthink it, my husband is an extremely chatty bloke and I would say similar to him to shut him up.

I would take that comment as saying to the DIL, get back to work. Unless there is more he isn't telling you, that's how I'd take it.

I always think, trust your gut.
I also think it’s very interesting that the MIL has been a bit off with you. I wonder why, maybe she thinks they are being over friendly and now finds it awkward when interacting with you or there is something more.
I don’t think you are over-reacting. I would be highly suspicious he keeps mentioning the barmaid and had warmed you up to what MIL apparently said.
I would say their behaviour is being public ally noticed and MIL is trying to mark their card.
I think you need a very open and honest conversation with your husband. If he is engaging the lady that much that it’s being noticed then that’s humiliating for you (again perhaps why he prewarned you).

Thanks for all the replies both for an against how I feel as it's what I wanted and I appreciate all the comments. I had a lot to think about and came home from work we discussed the issue, I believe him it was innocent. He thinks the mother in law may have a strange sense of humour where she is awkward at making conversations and interacting with people and like a lot of you said it was her way of trying to get the daughter in law to work.

I love my partner and he has been open and honest during our chat and I genuinely believe he wouldn't cheat (which I did say the whole time through this forum) . My issue wasn't the flirting as such but the fact he told me half a story which led me to overthink and fill gaps. I thought if he has been flirting and he's too scared to tell me exactly what he said then it must have been really bad.

I don't know what was said still as he's sticking to that story but he has said she's a really nice woman and friendly but he is not attracted to her and it would be stupid for him to try flirt with a married woman with kids. (But married people with kids cheat all the time so really that's a silly thing to claim) anyway..... he has sincerely said to me that he will never cheat on me and I need to just give him the trust. We have agreed going forward what we both want from the relationship and I feel so much calmer.

I should stop waiting for bad things to happen and just let go. I have told him though to please keep things like that to himself he said he struggles as he has no filter and he says silly things. Which he has in the past probably where some of my insecurities have come from. I don't want to push him away so for now I will drop all of this and see how it goes.

Thanks again you're all awesome and it felt so much better when people agreed with me but also was good to read it from people on his side. 👌🏻

Okay. But he did say that the mil seems to dislike him. And she has been off with you. I don't want to upset you but this sounds like he's going to continue doing whatever he has been doing and expecting you to trust him no questions asked. And you've basically given that the green light in asking not to be told. You obviously know him better than me but I still think he needs to be spending less time propping up the bar and more at home.
He might be totally innocent but I'd still keep an eye on this.

I've said this to him as well in the past the pub thing is stressful for me because he sometimes can't handle his drink and he will stay there for hours. But when I asked him last time he said I was trying to control him and he's an adult and doesn't need permission. His mum and dad live next door to me and his mum is on my side with his drinking but he says "you sound like mum" when I address the issue. So now I just let him go and he's been coming home at decent times so he's listening to me

I should also mention my partner is a farmer and we live quite rural so it's not out of the ordinary for them to all congregate after a days work at the pub. I've been a few times with him after work and it's mainly men from farming and building back grounds.

Don't get me wrong I've agreed to relax and give him the benefit of the doubt but I'm a natural over thinker and I will always be on my toes when it comes to looking for signs something isn't adding up lol

Quite a bit going on then. Be careful. Drinking a lot and calling any concern over that controlling, isn't a good sign. If his mum is worried too, that indicates he really is drinking a fair bit. It's coming across that he is going to do what he wants regardless of how you feel and that's a problem. I don't know if you are planning on marrying him or having children but I'd advise caution right now.

Do you really think so? I have had these doubts for ages but been told I'm controlling if I mention them but I'm not. I do struggle with his constant need for independence but again I just feel controlling if I mention it, he's not abusive but he likes to do his thing. The drink has calmed down a lot since I met him 4yrs ago but it's not to a level I feel good about.

If I talk about breaking up he tells me he's not going to fight for it. He says he loves me but free will ect. It's so hard for me to understand because he wants freedom but calls me needy when I want some us time

You are massively, hugely over-thinking this.

I wouldn't say you are overthinking it.
Sounds like he knows exactly what to say to shut you down - 'you sound like mum' 'controlling', says he wouldn't fight to keep the relationship , or even just go to the pub less!
Nothing you want seems to be a priority for him.
Basically he's living his life, doing what he wants, you can take it or leave it so far as he's concerned. Where do your needs fit in?
And that's before we get to whether he's chatting up the barmaid while he's in the pub 4 nights a week!
You aren't coming across as happy. You don't just want to fit around the edges of his life - you deserve to be the priority in your partner's life.

I do feel that way. So many times I've felt exactly like you described. I feel like a shell of myself most days but he says it's all in my head and I am free to do whatever I want as well. Told me I need to get friends and spend time with them. I have friends I just chose to want to spend my time with him.

I'm not calling him out he's been amazing at times to me. But even I thought what you said in the past. Only this last year I've started to give up fighting for anything else as he says I'm good when I'm not being "crazy" if I kick off over something he tells me "why now things were good" it's like how I feel inside Doesn't matter as long as I'm quiet about it

I really don't like it when a man says a woman is crazy. It's another way to make you doubt yourself and put your own feelings last. To keep you quiet.
He doesn't seem to be on the same page as you regarding what you want from a relationship. For you, he's the most important person, the one you want to see more than anyone else. But for him, you are a lovely option but not his number one, most important priority. And anytime you push for more he shuts you up.
Im not saying he's a terrible person, or that he doesn't care about you at all, but the impression I'm getting is of someone who doesn't quite want what you want. And that he's quite selfish. You have to decide whether you are going to wait for him to grow up/change/love you as much as you love him or not.

I appreciate that I don't know him and I'm sure he can be totally lovely, but I suspect he's mostly totally lovely when he's getting all his own way!

I feel like I've been quite harsh and other posters seem to think his behaviour is no big deal, but it would be a big deal to me and I wouldn't be happy about a lot of this if it was my relationship.

I've said this to him as well in the past the pub thing is stressful for me because he sometimes can't handle his drink and he will stay there for hours. But when I asked him last time he said I was trying to control him and he's an adult and doesn't need permission.

Why are you with this absolute melt OP?
He props up the bar, drinking too much, having inappropriate conversations, is prone to saying "silly things" & can't handle the excessive alcohol he is consuming.

he says "you sound like mum" when I address the issue.
Is he 14?
And telling you that you are controlling for disliking his barfly antics is ... the mark of a controller.

You have essentially just told him that, so long as he stops reporting his flirtatious/stupid conversations with you, it's fine for him to keep going to the pub every night. You have agreed to trust him, because the alternative is being called controlling. You are not comfortable with the amount he drinks, but instead of facing that fact, you are avoiding dealing with sad issue that your man prefers being in the pub than with you, enjoys making you uncomfortable by reporting the "silly things" he says at the pub, & who is controlling you by making you back down on your instincts & preferences.

How much happier would you be with a man who prefers your company to the pub? Or solo - living an authentic life without the need to twist your own dislike of your man's boozing & flirting into something that - somehow - is YOUR fault for disliking?
This man is not going to magically turn into a sober partner who prefers coming home to you, to having yet another boozy & boring evening in the pub. Shutting down your own preferences on the matter is not going to solve it either.

You are incompatible.
He has very clearly spelled it out to you - if it comes to a choice between his "freedom" to be a barfly, or being with you - he will choose the pub.

When are you going to stop pretending all is well, & set yourself free to have a relationship with a man who genuinely wants to be with you OP?

I'm not calling him out he's been amazing at times to me. But even I thought what you said in the past. Only this last year I've started to give up fighting for anything else as he says I'm good when I'm not being "crazy" if I kick off over something he tells me "why now things were good" it's like how I feel inside Doesn't matter as long as I'm quiet about it

He is abusive OP. And selfish, & probably an alcoholic.
You are actively contorting yourself to fit into a mould that is acceptable to him.
Meanwhile, he does nothing to make himself more acceptable to you, & demands that you silence yourself as the price of remaining in a relationship with him.

Can you see how fucked up this is?

I'm sorry I have been to blunt OP, but you get ONE life. Don't waste it tying yourself in knots for a controlling alkie.

Er it sounds like the MIL was joking with her DIL more than anything else and your partner told you because he thought it was amusing? I don’t know, he didn’t have to tell you this so I don’t think he actually was flirting with her.

So he's had mentionitus for a while and now he's either telling you the bits he wants you to know before someone else does or, actually, could be quite pleased someone has noticed their "relationship". It gives him a warm feeling to have it recognised iyswim.

It's probably not too late for him to rein this back, but he definitely needs to change his pub and see less of her. It sounds like he could do with spending less time in the pub if his relationship with you is important to him anyway.

I would take it as a get back to work. It doesn't matter that it was her MIL. It doesn't matter who it was. It doesn't sound like flirting and they probably weren't it was a joke. If they were flirting it shouldn't matter, there's no harm in flirting. I think you're reading too much in to it because of past issues in this relationship or a previous one.