Why do so many women think cheating is the most (or only) unacceptable act?

[Cherchezlaspice]

Being cheated on is horrible, and - for most of us - it’s unforgivable. I’m not questioning that in any way.

However, there are a range of other (in my opinion) unforgivable acts and behaviours (some of which I’d actually class as worse than cheating). Years of misery and drudgery. Repeated acts of disregard, negligence, laziness and disrespect.

Based on the posts here, it often seems that many women will tolerate and accept quite a lot of abhorrent behaviour, but draw the line at cheating. He can be a racist alcoholic who gambled away your savings, but ‘at least he’s not cheating’, so you can work on it.

The flipside is that when anyone posts about their partner behaving appallingly, someone unfailingly comments ‘cherchez la femme’. As though his reported appalling behaviour is not entirely sufficient reason to leave…we must dig deeper and find infidelity. Which also seems to imply the possible infidelity is worse than whatever behaviour is already being discussed.

So, I’m asking…why?

Because despite all the gambling, shitty behaviour, abusive crap and usefulness AT LEAST he didn’t pick another woman over you.

We’re taught to be in competition with other females from a small age. Being cheated on is the ultimate slap in the face. It’s the same reason women obsess about what the other woman looks like, what she did, how she lured him in instead of blaming the prick she’s with.

We’re taught to fight over mens gaze, affection, love. That’s why cheating hurts so much isn’t it? He’s “picked” another woman over you.

I mean it’s fucking nonsense. I don’t think men or women are hardwired to be monogamous. Twas ever thus. It’s just cultural shit mixed with low self esteem on womens behalf

@Byronalso That’s pretty much it, isn’t it?

It’s so depressing.

Back in my nans day (certainly from her neck of the woods in Ireland) my grandad was a good catch because he never laid a hand on her which was unusual amongst her acquaintances at the time.

I think some women have always set the bar low unfortunately.

I used to feel that their had to be an unforgivable act to end a relationship, especially if you had kids. Either physical violence, sexual violence, child abuse or infidelity. But now I think all that does is delay the ending, when there were lots of opportunities to leave sooner and without so much damage. Actually having kids should be a motivator to move sooner, staying together for the kids is bullshit. Single-hood, and single parenthood especially, carries this stigma, that it is your fault for not making it work when actually by the time it escalates to cheating or actual violence it's usually gone way past the point of no return for that relationship.

If your partner makes you feel like a piece of shit, that's enough. Whatever methodology. If you're feeling your sense of self, your self esteem and confidence seeping out of you, it's enough. There doesn't have to be a cataclysmic event. You can just call it quits because a relationship is not worth destroying yourself over. It's only worth being in if it is to the benefit of both parties. Otherwise it's just sadomasochistic

And staying together for the kids is just a recipe for misery for the parents and the kids.

Totally agree OP. Often wondered this
myself

I think the Cherchez La Femme posts aren’t necessarily saying “and then you’ll have reason to leave” they’re saying that this behaviour is usually part of a bigger picture and that the confusing and headfucking nonsense he’s coming out with by way of an excuse doesn’t need to make sense because it’s lies, he’s cheating! The Script is real and it’s painfully predictable, so when MNers see the start of it they are quick to point out where it inevitably leads.

I also see plenty of LTBs for dirty unhygienic lazy men, disrespectful men, gamblers and alcoholics etc. Every one of them has a “been there, done that, note that’s he’s an EX” poster.

I personally left my XH of 12 years for disrespecting and emotionally neglecting me, and then left my DP of 9 years for an outburst of anger and repeated misogyny, neither cheated (as far as I’m aware!) and I would advise anyone in my situation to leave.

However there is always a nagging doubt that he could have done better if I’d given him another chance, that I could have behaved differently so as not to drive him to behaving aggressively etc whereas with cheating (although many women ask what they were lacking to make him cheat) it’s more clearly a HIM problem.

However there is always a nagging doubt that he could have done better if I’d given him another chance, that I could have behaved differently so as not to drive him to behaving aggressively etc whereas with cheating (although many women ask what they were lacking to make him cheat) it’s more clearly a HIM problem.

Can I ask why you feel that cheating is more clearly a HIM problem than the rest of the poor behaviour you’ve described?

And you, op? What do you think - or are you just interested in gathering opinions?

I agree with @Byronalso. There isn’t really any other explanation that I can see, but I’m happy to learn otherwise.

I think the “for better it worse” part of the marriage vows make it difficult to quantify when “worse” is actually not good enough and not going to be good enough. Cheating is a pretty blatant breach of marriage vows, but I would argue so is living in a sexless marriage, lazy, disrespectful partners, gambling, addiction, abuse etc.

I think there’s a lingering stigma around the end of a marriage/long term relationship especially where kids are involved and questions about whether you just didn’t work hard enough - for better or worse, in sickness and health, that means it’s much easier to say “he/she cheated”. If you have a Christian faith adultery is given in the bible as a permissible reason to end a marriage and the church’s influence lingers on in much of the language around marriage.

I reckon it's biological. The animal part of you doesn't want him spreading his seed and potentially fathering more children as it will take him away from your children, and some deep animal part of your brain thinks that means they'll get eaten by predators or something.

(That's a general 'you', not aimed at anyone in particular.)

@Jellycatspyjamas That's a really interesting perspective. It’s easy to disregard just how much of an impact religion still has on the way we live our lives.

I suppose this could apply to unmarried couples, as well. As it’s a mindset, more than anything else.

The bit about predators made me giggle. 😂

It's certainly the most colourful explanation, so far!

Cherchez la femme is different - it means, as another poster explains, that The Script is in operation. A type of gaslighting where the man becomes unexplainably awful and suddenly starts going on about things from years ago, blaming the wife for all kinds, to explain and excuse his behaviour to himself.

I agree with you OP.

Some people are treated like shit by their partners, but at least they're loyal 🥲 its depressing.

I'd actually rather be cheated on in an otherwise happy marriage than be unhappy 90 percent of the time and be disrespected in so many other ways. But I've not been cheated on (as far as I know) so might be easier said than done.

It does seem like the cardinal sin of relationships. I think there's worse a partner can do, like financial or sexual abuse, or just never supporting you with sharing life admin, house work, your kids etc.

Yep. I vehemently join in the chorus of LTBs on a lot of threads (and rarely see an LTB I strongly disagree with tbh), but the cheats are not the ones which have me most enraged or sad on the OP's behalf. So many women seem to put up with so many years of truly awful treatment at the hands of the men who supposedly love them.

I think that’s a fair point, but I’ve also seen it trotted out on posts where the OP’s DH/DP is clearly just a nasty piece of work and always has been. As opposed to ‘flee now’, there’s always several ‘do you suspect he might be cheating?’ comments.

I remember when I split with my first husband at age of 28 and my grandmother said to me 'I don't get it, he doesn't hit you or keep you short of money' -- and thinking how low the bar was set for some women ,no wonder a lot of couples in their 70s and 80's walk around looking like they hate each other if they stayed together based on this criteria !!

@Cloud16 and @Fairislefandango Yes to all of that.

@JosephineGH I just informed DH that, should it come up, he may comfort Angelina in a thunderstorm and he’s asked if it can be Beyoncé, instead. 🤣

People kid themselves that deep down he actually does like them. Until he cheats. Then the truth hits them in the face.

It’s odd and I agree that cheating seems to be the most painful crime (on here especially )

but if we look at it logically , monogamy and 100% fidelity is very hard to sustain for years and years

also (as a female ) I think men can fuck another woman and not really have emotions for her

and , I’ve not knowingly been cheated on in the context of a monogamous relationship so I haven't experienced that pain
and I can imagine it’s ducking horrible

it’s hard to wrap my head around

and I do agree that good people
can and do cheat

and I do agree that good people can and do cheat

Most of us could cheat if we wanted to (unless we look like complete ogres , with bad breath or something.)

People who are otherwise fairly decent people sometimes cheat. But they'd be better people if they chose not to.