Why do so many women think cheating is the most (or only) unacceptable act?

[Cherchezlaspice]

Being cheated on is horrible, and - for most of us - it’s unforgivable. I’m not questioning that in any way.

However, there are a range of other (in my opinion) unforgivable acts and behaviours (some of which I’d actually class as worse than cheating). Years of misery and drudgery. Repeated acts of disregard, negligence, laziness and disrespect.

Based on the posts here, it often seems that many women will tolerate and accept quite a lot of abhorrent behaviour, but draw the line at cheating. He can be a racist alcoholic who gambled away your savings, but ‘at least he’s not cheating’, so you can work on it.

The flipside is that when anyone posts about their partner behaving appallingly, someone unfailingly comments ‘cherchez la femme’. As though his reported appalling behaviour is not entirely sufficient reason to leave…we must dig deeper and find infidelity. Which also seems to imply the possible infidelity is worse than whatever behaviour is already being discussed.

So, I’m asking…why?

I think it’s the boiled frog effect.

Most other forms of shitty behaviour build up gradually. So for the women it’s standard behaviour, they don’t like it but it’s always been like this, so there isn’t a sudden moment that makes them re evaluate, no moment that demands a decision. Like the frog being slowly boiled who doesn’t jump out of the pot.

Whereas discovering cheating is a sudden moment. There’s no build up, no drip drip drip, it’s just wham this has happened. And you have to make a decision, the cheating demands a decision, do you try to forgive/carry on or not.

What women think that cheating is the only unacceptable act? I've never met these women.

unacceptable act......

Is getting Pregnant, I did it three times.

Cheating isn't one unacceptable act, it's a package of them that usually also includes at least some of:
lies, neglect, emotional and physical absence, misuse of family finances, diversion of time and energy from responsibilities, disdain, irritation, changes to sex life, poor parenting, reckless behaviour...
So when cheating is seen as a deal breaker its not a single piece of behaviour that's intolerable, it's a whole range bundled together.

I think it’s because the other stuff that might be awful but you put up with is just between the two of you, but cheating brings in someone else and the aggregated party always tells other people so it becomes public knowledge. That makes it harder to backtrack. I actually said to my ex (father of my 2 younger kids) the other month that I could have easily forgiven an affair -
well not easily, but a lot easier than what he did. Which was to deliberately stop speaking to my then 16yr old son to hurt me as he was insecure about how I felt about him. I can’t even put into words how this ended up hurting me, it led to my son leaving at 16, years before he would have, and soon after the kids and I left too. Thankfully I’m still close to my eldest child but I’ll never forgive that. An affair I think would have been far easier to forgive. Ex seems aggrieved still over a decade later that I didn’t forgive and forget when he sent me a letter apologising (only apologising as he wanted me back).

There are so many worse things than cheating if you are in a shit relationship but I sometimes read posts from women who were genuinely happy and in love and then bam there’s the reveal of who he really is and I feel that pain. It’s horrendous.
Personally, I couldn’t care less if I’m my case it happened- I care that little - but who wants to get to that stage?

@ManAboutTown
’Some things seem to be more on the male side (laziness around the home), some on the female (nagging) and other equally distributed - moaning, verbal abuse.’

oh I see ‘ nagging ‘ is something ‘more on the woman’s side , but ‘ moaning , is something more equally distributed 😂

I guess that’s settled then , men don’t ‘nag’ then only ‘moan ‘

you had ‘nagging’ as one for the women and ‘ laziness around the house for men ‘ but you forgot so many others for men, like compulsive porn use gambling , alcoholism and violence that are all also swayed very heavily towards men

This !!!!! 👌🏾👌🏾

My mum was one.

I haven't spoken to her in many years. She dated some increasingly poor quality men (racists, emotional abusers, feckless fathers...) since splitting up with my dad but the final one was awful.

I tried talking to her once about him because i was so concerned about some of the ways he was treating her. She cried and told me I had no idea of the sacrifices she'd had to make so that she wasn't single.

Long story short, we eventually learnt what those 'sacrifices' were. SS were briefly involved and we cut contact with her for the safety of my children.

In the last conversation I had with her, she was more concerned with the language I'd used to describe what he'd done than what he'd actually done.

I asked what it would take for her to actually walk away from a man and she told me if he cheated on her.

She hasn't seen either of her children or her grandchildren in over a decade because nothing short of cheating is worth leaving a man over.

So women like that do exist.

It's the lying.

Hi There:

I do love my Husband..... but some how, I end up with other men.

First time, I was with another man, I got Pregnant. I told my Boyfriend
that I was Pregnant, He said to me "Let's get Married", so we did.

I never said, to him, that he was NOT the father.

Anna

Hi There:

I try not to cheat, and when I do, I do not tell, anyone.

Anna

Trust.

You've literally proved you can't be trusted.

There is no relationship after that.

Lots of things are unforgivable for me. X

I don't think either men or women are saints in relationships I guess it comes down to what people choose to put up with or not from the other, men and women cheat and can be abusive, mean, unfair, difficult, unfair or whatever

People can come up with a list of behaviour that others can say 'that's ok' or 'no way would I tolerate that'

Or 'your partner should not act that way' but if people put up with why would it change?

Saying 'yeah but that behaviour is not acceptable' is not going to make it stop like magic

I've pondered this very question, OP.

Of all the marriage vows why is, 'be faithful to each other' the only one that is the only one that will land you in divorce court should it that vow be broken ?

To the point that is there really any point making the other vows ? They seem to be, 'nice to have.' If the only marriage ending vow, if broken, is the 'be faithful unto each other'

Some wives take the piss with their behaviour and attitude, some husbands take the piss the same way.

Especially as 'no fault' divorces became law this year. So, pretty much every divorce is, 'no fault' just to speed up the process and get it done.

Hi There:

No saints, in most relationships.

Anna

Infidelity is pretty black and white, but clearly there are a host of other valid reasons to dump.