Why do so many women think cheating is the most (or only) unacceptable act?

[Cherchezlaspice]

Being cheated on is horrible, and - for most of us - it’s unforgivable. I’m not questioning that in any way.

However, there are a range of other (in my opinion) unforgivable acts and behaviours (some of which I’d actually class as worse than cheating). Years of misery and drudgery. Repeated acts of disregard, negligence, laziness and disrespect.

Based on the posts here, it often seems that many women will tolerate and accept quite a lot of abhorrent behaviour, but draw the line at cheating. He can be a racist alcoholic who gambled away your savings, but ‘at least he’s not cheating’, so you can work on it.

The flipside is that when anyone posts about their partner behaving appallingly, someone unfailingly comments ‘cherchez la femme’. As though his reported appalling behaviour is not entirely sufficient reason to leave…we must dig deeper and find infidelity. Which also seems to imply the possible infidelity is worse than whatever behaviour is already being discussed.

So, I’m asking…why?

Sometimes situation plays an important role. Our intention was not to cheat, but the circumstraint made us do that.

I do wonder if it’s just a more acceptable get out clause? If you say you’re separating because he’s cheated, it’s understood and a definite moment. However I left a marriage that was miserable and had EA/coercive control. I struggled to accept the truth for a long time - kept waiting for the nice man I fell for to come back. I’ve also struggled to explain the split succinctly. On the one hand, I don’t want to slag off my child’s father. On the other, I don’t want people to think I ended my marriage lightly. So yeah, I wonder if the whole “He cheated, there’s no going back” whereas as “He was miserable, dragged me down, controlled me, made me feel like crap” is more complicated? For me anyway.

I don’t think you’ve understood the question.

@ThisWormHasTurned I can understand that.

@ThisWormHasTurned yes I think there's a strong element of that with many women. It's more of a black and white situation than 'I no longer fancy him/ he's a controlling arse/he's got a lousy temper/I just dont enjoy being married to them/ he's forever looking at porn - etc, etc - all of which other people often judge you on for leaving- it shouldn't matter what others think- but for many women it kind of does- especially teens and adult children etc

Have almost posted this exact question myself before, OP. I find myself baffled by the amount of absolute shit women (usually) will put up with as long as the man is faithful.

I think maybe there's the idea that an infidelity kind of "externalises" the problem. It brings a third party into the marriage and It's somehow more public than other internal marital problems that can be kind of hidden. So much of our reaction to stuff is about what other people think of us, after all.

A male perspective on this...

There are some things that destroy a relationship immediately for both men and women and infidelity is definitely amongst the leading ones - as a PP said it means your partner has chosen someone else over you. Personally I have never had to confront the situation either as the one cheating or the one being cheated on. I can imagine some people may take a different view on a long term affair to a drunken one night stand but for me that would be the end.

Serious crime eg rape and domestic violence (and I know of instances by both men and women) would be others.

For me fast deal breakers would also be gambling, financial incontinence, Class A drug use and alcoholism

Some of the other stuff referenced in the OP are probably slow burners that will do things in over a longer period and generally involve emotional distress in one form or another. Some things seem to be more on the male side (laziness around the home), some on the female (nagging) and other equally distributed - moaning, verbal abuse.

👏

It’s easier to identify. The rest of it is often on a scale and difficult to describe. Things that may sound minor to others outside the relationship. I divorced my husband once I found out he was cheating on me but I was nearly there anyway. Having an affair was probably the least bad thing he did to me but it was also the most objective.

@ManAboutTown Why would you think I wanted a ‘male perspective’ on a question about women posed to women? And the majority of your comment has nothing to do with what was asked.

From a slightly different angle my experience of this is that the level of deceit a cheater indulges in is the most offensive part of this. Also the fall out isn't confined to the marriage only.

My mother was a serial cheater towards my dad and she was absolutely brazen in her behaviour, entertaining men in our house whilst my dad was at work but in front of us like we didn't exist. It was a very frightening experience as a young child to see men turn up and disappear into her bedroom. As we got older and realised what was going on we were also unwillingly drawn into her deceit and were frightened of the consequences if we told our dad. That's a huge burden on any child.

My mother wiped her feet over my dad time and time again. At one stage he was driving her to and picking her up from 'yoga' classes, only she was cheating with husband to be number two. The fall out from their divorce, which was a ruthless battle for each to be the victim, caused a major split in my family. My younger sister ended up adopted by my dad's second wife.

Roll on more years and my mother cheated on husband number two with husband to be number three, who was also one of my mother's original adultereries.

We were expected to support her, poor victim that she was but for me that was it. No more! I broke away My brother is now NC with her and because of my mother's manipulation and triangulation we are all NC with each other.

So pps saying there are worse things than cheating, in my view it hasn't been great for me. I ended up stranded in another country on a gap year because I didn't have anywhere to come home to and went to university in my thirties amongst other difficulties that I have now thankfully overcome.

No matter how miserable I was in my marriage, cheating was never an option because I would never betray my daughter the way my mother did to her children.

my ex husband cheated on me and is now married to the other woman. This was many years ago but in the most immediate aftermath of his cheating being exposed and him leaving (or me kicking him out of) the family home, it felt incredibly viceral and like a physical pain in my body.
I think it was because our children were so young and it felt very genuinely like he had "used" my body to get kids and then his leaving was like "rinse and repeat". Incredibly dehumanising for the betrayed person.

Also, as Dacquoise · Today 14:15 so eloquently explains, the repurcussions of cheating and divorce as a result of that can go only not for just years but for generations and generations after the infidelity.
My own children will never witness a healthy adult relationship growning up and so I think there is a good chance they will really struggle to form relationships when they are adults.
Also my ex husband's own childhood involved his own mother cheating on and leaving his father and so when my ex husband left me neither of his parents in any way whatsoever condemned his behaviour - if anything my ex MIL almost endorsed his actions if not outright approved of what he had done. Its like there is an entire void of morality or human decency.

Dacquoise

fuck me . That’s industrial nuclear level cheating there
horrific
I’m so sorry you had to live through that

Thank you @bubblesbubbles11 . That's an interesting point about intergenerational cheating. My grandmother (mother's side) was abandoned by her cheating husband leaving her with three children to support in the days when men walked away with everything. My mother was brought up in poverty. Yet her and both her siblings are all serial cheaters, with two of them in multiple marriages, with estranged children and the other one bullying her husband whom she has also repeatedly cheated on.

So adultery is not always a benign act of 'star crossed lovers'. It can be learned, abusive behaviour in the same way that domestic violence can be taught in childhood. My mother and her siblings actively condoned, colluded with and supported each other's adulteries like it's normal in a marriage.

Thank you, that's made me laugh. If you ever met my mother you'd think butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She denies most of it, of course, because "children have vivid imaginations". Yeah, whatever!🤔

"My mother and her siblings actively condoned, colluded with and supported each other's adulteries like it's normal in a marriage."
Yes it really is a very unique type of entitlement and selfishness and cheaters do seem to gravitate towards other people who cheat, I would agree.

Dacquoise

honestly I’m one of the ‘cheating isn’t black and white school’

but what your mother did has appalled me
And ill stop there x

I often think it is interesting how cheaters often cheat with other cheaters (i.e. both parties who are cheating are betraying their own spouse/long term partner). Not always but I have seen it often.

It makes more sense. Both are invested in secrecy and 'not rocking the boat'. You'd be mad/foolish/secretly looking for a way out to choose an unmarried affair partner. They'd soon want more.

Why are you being so aggressively rude to him?

I disagree with your premise Op because on MN LTB is handed out like sweeties and not always sarcastically.
I think putting up with gambling alcoholic is the part where you promised to be together in sickness and in health. There is no promise to stick through infidelity. Even in some Islamic marriages where the man is allowed to marry 4 wives, there are Muslim brides who wed on the condition that he wouldn't take a second wife. As much as there are people who don't believe in monogamy, most couples believe in it still. The internet may give you the impression it's more common and normal but in reality for most couples the expectation is that you will be faithful to each other and ride out any problems including temper issues, mental illness, bad moods.

If you don't believe in monogamy you should let your partner know and they can decide whether this is a way of life for them.

I know of 3 divorces (instigated by the wives) in my friend/family circle where the man explicitly asked for the reason stated on the divorce application to be 'adultery' rather than 'unreasonable behaviour'. In 2 of those cases, the exDH took great delight after the divorce went through in bragging there was no other woman. I also know of 2 wives who wanted to leave their marriages but truly felt that 'because I want to' was too selfish, so waited to meet someone else to leave for and force the issue (one was back in the 1970s but one more recent so not driven by financial necessity).

So, the men didn't want to be on record as dumped for being a bad husband, but 'falling in love with someone else' makes them still seem the romantic hero. And women still have the hangover of being seen as a weak wife if they won't put up with an unhappy home situation. So, in some cases, infidelity is still seen from both sides as the only acceptable way to end a relationship.

when anyone posts about their partner behaving appallingly, someone unfailingly comments ‘cherchez la femme’. As though his reported appalling behaviour is not entirely sufficient reason to leave…we must dig deeper and find infidelity. Which also seems to imply the possible infidelity is worse than whatever behaviour is already being discussed.
I came on years ago asking what to do about my ex's sudden alien behaviour and was told exactly those words. I didn't even realise what it meant at first; I had no clue that the behaviour was typical of a cheating man, so the tip was invaluable. The behaviour was not something worse than or better than cheating - it was the cheating. Knowing what was going on put me in a stronger position; he'd been playing mind games and training me so well that I felt like a bitch for even questioning his behaviour.

I couldn't give a shit about the fact he slept with other women behind my back (apart from the fact that I could have caught something). The cheating was when he left me and the kids waiting for hours or didn't turn up because he was with someone else. The cheating was when he spread lies about me behind my back so that people would think the poor lamb had no other option than to seek comfort elsewhere. The cheating was when he told his other women that he did not want his own children (I "made him have them") through some twisted belief that they would then not judge him for persistently lying to his family.

Arguments about whether human beings are naturally monogamous are totally off the mark and show that people have no understanding of what cheating is.