Am I being harsh?

[Tatty3]

I think my relationship is ending. And he doesn't know.

We've been together for 7 years, no DC. We're both very ambitious career-wise and have lots of plans to travel etc. We're late 30s.

He was ill as a result of the pandemic and left work in 2021. I supported him through this and after a significant amoint of time, he recovered. But he never went back to work.

He's been contributing out of savings but they have now ran out. He is applying for jobs but still focusing on a very specific career path with a limited location etc.

He's talking about hating work, not wanting to go back full time, wanting to do more volunteering.

I'm struggling. I'm still ambitious, and wanting to travel and experience things. I don't love work (who does?!) but I do it because it enables me to do the fun things and I get a sense of pride from doing a job well. I don't want to pick up all the bills so he can work part time or volunteer. He doesn't pull his weight around the house so it's not like things will be easier for me there. We have a mortgage.

But I know priorities change after being ill. The things he wants to do instead of full time work would help others (support his parents (who are elderly but in good health), volunteer at a local charity that means a lot to him etc). I've also been wondering whether it's a temporary change in attitude but I think I'm kidding myself on that one now.

Would you end it?

I also don't want to 'abandon' him after him being so ill. While he's recovered physically, it's still affecting him mentally and I don't want to add to that stress

No I wouldn't end it if it were my OH. I'd try yo make it work. Perhaps asking him yo work part time, or seeing what adjustments could be made. Caring for parents could actually save a ton of money in itself. My partners happiness though is more important to me than a few extra quid

How would you feel if was the other way around and you wanted to do volunteer work, to help others, ?
if you would be okay with him saying the relationship is over because your priorities don’t match his anymore then end it, if you expect more support, from a partner then you are going to have to sit down and talk about money and life changes ( him getting an income , pulling his weight etc )

Thanks both.

I agree, in an ideal world, I'd want someone to support me in my life choices of course. I love him, and he does seem happier out of work.

On the other hand, I'm working a high pressured job 50 hours a week, getting little help at home and if he doesn't go back to work (even min wage full time, I'm not saying he needs to go back to his previous career or level or anything) I'm afraid I'd feel resentful.

Maybe I already do and that's what's fuelling this. Hmm.

It sounds like you need to be honest with him. You're annoyed, feel a bit put upon financially and definitely put upon with regards to home life. He needs to know.

In all honesty though women who want to be part time or voluntary work are usually dealing with kids or they are in a financial position where they don't need to work and partner is on board with that- it's a different set of circumstances to yours- I would feel resentful about a woman going off like this if I was a bloke too in these circumstances.

I think this is it.

If he wanted to drop hours or even leave work to look after our imaginary DC, I'd definitely be happy to have that discussion/support that decision.

But 1) it feels like a completely unilateral decision and cuts down on my options (what if I wanted to take some time out? Or go for a lower paid job etc?) and 2) I personally wouldnt be comfortable with someone else funding my decision not to work or not to work full time.

I appreciate I'm coming across as a horrible person here. I really do love him, I want him to be happy. But to me working is just something most people have to do, it's not like we're mortgage free or have savings or have won the lottery!

Then again, if that's what makes him happy and I care about him being happy, and can afford to do it (just about, with a strong tightening of our belts), maybe I should be doing that?

I keep thinking that over the course of a long term relationship, these things could even out. Maybe I need time out at some point and he could support me?

Having said that, he's not talking about this being temporary

If you used to have shared goals and ambitions and now you don't, that's enough reason for you to reasses your future.

Without kids I don't see any reason to stick around to try to make it work.

He made a unilateral decision about your life without your consent. That you would work 50 hours a week to support him and his lifestyle, so he can do whatever he feels like. And he doesn't even have the common decency to pull his weight around the house. Covid nearly killed me, I still suffer the effects of it, but I cannot give up my job because I have children to support and Id not see them go without.

I think he sounds selfish and entitled and I would draw a line under his cocklodging now. As you are married he will get half your savings as well as everything else you have worked for and he has contributed nothing towards for the past few years. Walk away and find someone more like minded, people change and if you change in fundamentally different ways there is nothing to be gained by staying together. Be interesting to see how he manages his new lifestyle decisions without you to pay for it.

@Tatty3 you most certainly are not coming across as a horrible person- quite the opposite!!

I couldn’t put up with that, it doesn’t sound like a partnership at all.

I would leave him.
He is - possibly unconsciously - using you.
Not pulling his weight around the house definitely proves it.

You’ve supported him through illness and don’t have any further obligation to him in tat regard. No wonder you’re reassessing things - not only has he changed part of his core identity (fair enough) but he’s also demonstrated himself to be a lazy, selfish arse who is happy to watch you work 50 hours a week AND do the wifework. Don’t whatever you do have children with this man unless you’d like that to be your life forever. No doubt he will be sanctimonious with his volunteering too.

He's in his 30s and he's talking like someone who's considering taking early retirement. That alone would have me out the door, let alone him expecting me to bankroll it.

If you don't at least speak to him and say you're not happy to be his personal pension fund and he needs to be contributing to the household finances, then you're going to start building up resentment and you'll end up becoming someone you don't like. You'll be snappy and contemptuous with him, you'll lose every ounce of respect towards him, and you'll probably end up having an exit affair.

I'd leave now while you can still part as friends.

Can you talk to him about the housework? Surely if he's at home he should be taking care of the house? That might make work outside the home seem more attractive.

Not harsh at all, but you need to have an honest conversation with him about how he intends to fund his life choices.

Hi

I've been married for 17 years, I have worked both pt and ft throughout (we have kids) I could have not worked but continued so we could have a better lifestyle.

In 2020 shit hit the fan so I had to go back to work ft to fund our mortgage.

Dh has opened a shop in that time to top up funds. He loves what he does in the shop, it makes him happier than he ever has been at work. But do you know what he's shutting the shop as previous business has picked up and it makes way more money. We have massively changed our lifestyle and we want more for us and our kids. It's not about being wealthy but having the best life we can. I haven't asked him to do that it's his decision for us.

Also my work makes me pretty miserable, it's not awful but I do it anyway for us.

You might not have kids but you should be a partnership. You should have a happy compromise not one making unilateral decisions and expect partner to accept it.

You need a serious conversation. If you would be happy with him working pt then make that suggestion and definitely he needs to step up in the house if he's at home more.

You can have sympathy and help him but he needs to listen and respect your needs too. I think this is your issue tbh.

No, I would end the relationship.
He hasn't developed a disability which prevents him from working, he chooses not to.
Which is fine as long as he's able to support himself.
Another option is to not end the relationship, but keep your finances separate with equal contributions. Where he sources his contribution from us up to him.

Thanks everyone.

The housework thing definitely needs to be addressed. He couldn't do it while he was unwell and its been a hangover from that I think. He is starting to pick up some bits but nothing is ever finished e.g. if I ask him, he'll put a wash on but won't put it on the line or in the dryer afterwards.

@Crikeyalmighty thank you for the kind words. It's really difficult as he was seriously ill and I was terrified I was going to lose him. To be considering leaving him just a year or two later is really confusing and difficult.

I haven't actually ever broken up with anyone in this type of circumstance so I don't even know where to start if I do get to that stage

So he doesn't want to work, but you also need to manage him at work so that even the simplest chore is completed?!

Fuck that.

You're always losing your respect for him; next you won't be able to bring yourself to have sex with someone who can't even hang out the washing. After that, what's left?

Sorry, manage him at home

This is my real fear. Either I'm

1. overreacting. His savings have only recently ran out, there's still a chance a job will come through or that he'll find something that he really loves and wants to do full time. It's only been a year or so since he fully recovered, My expectations are too high.

Or

2. if I don't act now, this will Get worse and worse until I hate him, I have no savings, I'm worse off financially and I could have saved myself heartache.

Tend to agree with this, he needs to work how to support himself and pay towards the bills / mortgage etc., but also I would assume the if the roles were reversed you would expect a partner to support your choices ?

He sounds like a cocklodger in the making.

He's talking about hating work, not wanting to go back full time, wanting to do more volunteering.

That probably applies to 80% of people. However we do not indulge ourselves and we go out and earn a wage as that is that we need to do provide for ourselves.

He sees you as a meal ticket, you need to shut that idea down pronto.