Am I being harsh?

[Tatty3]

I think my relationship is ending. And he doesn't know.

We've been together for 7 years, no DC. We're both very ambitious career-wise and have lots of plans to travel etc. We're late 30s.

He was ill as a result of the pandemic and left work in 2021. I supported him through this and after a significant amoint of time, he recovered. But he never went back to work.

He's been contributing out of savings but they have now ran out. He is applying for jobs but still focusing on a very specific career path with a limited location etc.

He's talking about hating work, not wanting to go back full time, wanting to do more volunteering.

I'm struggling. I'm still ambitious, and wanting to travel and experience things. I don't love work (who does?!) but I do it because it enables me to do the fun things and I get a sense of pride from doing a job well. I don't want to pick up all the bills so he can work part time or volunteer. He doesn't pull his weight around the house so it's not like things will be easier for me there. We have a mortgage.

But I know priorities change after being ill. The things he wants to do instead of full time work would help others (support his parents (who are elderly but in good health), volunteer at a local charity that means a lot to him etc). I've also been wondering whether it's a temporary change in attitude but I think I'm kidding myself on that one now.

Would you end it?

You're not overreacting, the danger of option 2) is very real unless something drastic changes very quickly. You are funding and emotionally supporting his lifestyle and indecision about the future, what incentive does he had to change?

Are you sure you really want to try at the relationship (though it may already be too late frankly). If so then it's time for a very honest, blunt conversation that sets out how you are feeling, as you have here, agree what needs to change, and get his committent to concrete steps like getting a job and contributing fully around the house. (It doesn't take much thinking power to follow through from putting the washing on to hanging it out so that's him being lazy, not forgetful or not recovered enough). If he cannot also commit to the relationship then that is probably the sign it's come to an end. And remember, only he can make the decisions and take the actions that will make him happy, that is not on you to pay for or to sacrifice your own life choices for him.

And it's hardly confusing about how you feel - there is a massive difference between being afraid you might lose someone as they may die, to simply ending a relationship that has run it's course, if that's where you are now.

Thanks @Gerwurtztraminer this is my fear. That he doesn't see an issue in any of this.

And if I asked him, I'm sure he'd say that I would work whether he was there or not and what does it matter. But him not contributing anything at all (financially or practically around the house) bothers me. I'm beginning to feel like his parent which I've always said is the death knell for relationships for others

Surviving Covid may have changed his priorities but it does not give him a free pass out of doing anything he does not enjoy. Most survivors go back to their old lives, which generally include doing their share of housework and making a meaningful contribution to the household income.

“Surviving Covid may have changed his priorities but it does not give him a free pass out of doing anything he does not enjoy. Most survivors go back to their old lives, which generally include doing their share of housework and making a meaningful contribution to the household income.”

This. As to people talking about supporting a partner’s choices - you’re under no obligation to support choices which are wrong for you and the relationship. Millions of people combine caring responsibilities and/or volunteering with working (millions of working parents for a start). It’s what adults do. It would be different if you had young children and he was proposing to be a stay at home parent but that’s not the situation. You’re not wrong to mind this and I would say the same if you were make and your partner female.

I don't even know how to start the conversation.

How do you say to someone you've been with for so long that their change in attitude to life doesn't match yours anymore? I'm really sad about the whole situation and I think I will be regardless of the outcome.

I've just got home from work and he'd stripped the bed, not re-made it, and left the dirty bedding on the floor? He hasn't done any of his dishes from last night or today and despite the weather being nice, hasn't thought about getting the lawn mower out.

But look, he's found a new course 2 evenings a week that he thinks would be great for him.

This.

OP,
Have you posted about this before?
It is familiar.

Are you married?
I think not?

I 100% think you need to end this relationship asap.

He's retired effectively and is lazy to boot.

You have zero responsibility to be his parent, which is what you have become.

The sheer entitlement of not doing anything in the house properly would give me the ICK.

Your dynamic has changed and he has made you mummy to him.

Do not give up your plans and dreams for a man who wants to retire.

Sure as hell don't have children with one.

Do not allow guilt to keep you.

See the house or buy him out, but don't waste any more time.

You do not owe him your future.

Be brave, bite the bullet and move on.

I don’t think you are in love with this guy,,or that you even love him. If you did, you wouldn’t need to ask a bunch of total strangers with nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon than surf Mumsnet for their opinion!

you aren’t married, you haven’t children or shared dependants, there’s nothing stopping you from going off and having a more interesting or exciting life than a vague sense of duty. I think it sounds as if you’ve done your duty. Continuing along this path is just lumbering yourself with a not very contributing ‘partner’ for the foreseeable future. Because he’s into a good thing….unlike you

@billy1966 not posted before, no. But sad to hear there's someone else in a similar position! Will try another search and see if I can find it for any extra advice. Thanks

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen I don't think seeking an external, independent view means I don't love him but thanks for your thoughts.

Of course you are sad - you had hopes and expectations of a life together which was full of plans and travel. His illness might have changed that somewhat, but now he is fundamentally ending those dreams and plans. I assume that you cannot pay for the travel and adventure on your salary alone.

That is sad. But don't let your sadness cloud your judgement.

You are not only funding his lifestyle choices now, you are funding them for EVER. He has used up his savings and, in his 30s, I doubt he has amassed much in the way of pension - either private pension or state pension. You are paying for his lifestyle now, and maybe for the next 60 years.

One of the great benefits of being a two income household is that it helps protect you against some of the unforseen in life. When dp and I got together I earned more than him, I supported him. I was made redundant, unexpectedly, and became self-employed - he supported me. My business thrived and I created our savings. He has a steady pension which is 3 times more than mine.

If something happened to you, or your employment, your dp would not be in a position to offer any kind of support (except emotional). Even if they had a part-time minimum wage job, they would have some money coming in, some opportunity to increase hours, some kind of recent work and employment record which might lead to a better paid job.

Regardless of the financial situation, I think you will respect him less and less over time, and that in itself will destroy your relationship. Although to be honest, I think he has already destroyed the relationship by not pulling his weight domestically AND by making a selfish decision with regards to any future employment.

He can volunteer/retire and do no housework if he likes, but only if he doesn't expect someone else (I.E. you) to facilitate that financially and run round after him.

What kind of adult needs explaining that "doing a wash" also involves drying the clothes, ironing and putting away, not just turning the washing machine on 🙄

I think you need to tell him that your relationship has run its course, you both want different things and it's time to sell up and go your separate ways.

I can't imagine where he thinks he will live with someone else paying for everything and cleaning up after him; will he move back to his parents? Would they be supportive of that?

Yes, illness can change your perspective on life but the bills still need to be paid. You're not married, you've made no promises to stick with him in sickness and in health (& even if you had you could still divorce) his behaviour is piss-taking.

You're doing 50hours a week at work and he can't even empty the washing machine??

He should be doing 100% at home if he’s not contributing.
Once you lose respect for someone it’s hard to get it back.

It was uncannily similar and the advice was to end things and to not settle for this.

If you were a man I would say the exact same thing.

This is not reasonable.

You have supported him through his illness.

He has changed his priorities and expects you to pay for his decisions while he can't hang a wash out.

He's lazy, disrespectful and selfish.
You are working 50 hours and he can't do the minimum in the house.

You are not harsh, but neither are you a fool.

There is no way you should continue this relationship.

Oh and life as the main earner and him as house husband would be more of the same, except even harder, paying for it all and coming home to do it all.

If you were my daughter I would be helping you you to pack up the house to put it on the market asap if you are not buying him out.

Get it priced up to see if you can.
Otherwise just sell up.

I can't tell from your posts if he is genuinely recovered and lazy, or suffering long term illness amounting to disability (which includes trauma). Recovering from life-threatening illness is more complex than most people choose to believe.

My perspective being someone who's had a major surgery with a year recovery just to feel like yourself again, then lingering impairment and trauma. It took a very long time to not feel overloaded by everyday life.

I didn't have a partner so different scenario, but it would have been pretty devastating to be dumped by someone who had previously said they loved me because they found the length / complexity of my recovery inconvenient.

Nobody has to stay in a relationship, but equally I don't personally feel it's right to ditch someone because their disability didn't fit into our life plans - nobody plans or chooses to be in that position. I struggle to understand the view that it is normal to end a relationship because someone loses their health BUT I am not you and am not living your life.

Yes, to pp, most people (around 80%) who experience trauma fully recover (and your life being threatened by illness absolutely is a trauma), but others develop PTSD that takes longer to resolve. If you were the one dealing with that, would you hope your partner was your partner for the tough times as well as the good or wave them off? Were you planning to leave once old age took its toll or was this a life partnership? (I don't expect you to post answers).

His behaviour sounds entirely compatible with someone dealing with unhealed trauma. I'm only working from your posts though.

Clearly other posters see things differently and you are entitled to disagree with me too. I don't think you're a horrible person for questioning, I just have a different thought process and perhaps different depth of knowledge of serious illness and trauma which influences my view.

He doesn't pull his weight around the house? And he doesn't want to go back to work??

Who is he expecting to fund his Volunteering lifestyle? Oh, that will be you, op.

I'd cut my losses. He sounds selfish. At the very least he should be doing the vast majority of household chores, shopping etc. I'd be resentful that he wasn't.

And he's late 30s! How does he plan to fund his retirement, pension etc if he doesn't go back to work?!

How would you feel if was the other way around and you wanted to do volunteer work, to help others, ?

Volunteering doesn't pay the bills, does it?

Op, what your partner learned from being ill is that it's a lot more fun to have someone else pay the bills. He has turned into a world class cocklodger and he is trying to guilt you into bank rolling his lifestyle. I'd be dumping him faster than you could turn around.

@Tatty3 I’ve been the inadvertent breadwinner for a spouse with MH issues and I really hear what you’re saying. We (eventually) had children and he was a SAHD, which supported me in my career. That at least gave us a structure, and him a role; if he hadn’t done that (and 70% of housework), I honestly couldn’t have coped with the low level resentment I felt all the time. The pressure and responsibility on me, the feeling I was never going to be able to put myself first because he’d already claimed that space on a permanent basis - it was horrible.

I stayed in large part because I understood the process he had to go through and I had faith (somewhat wobbly at times) that he would come out the other side. He also contributed significantly to our home in terms of DIY / housework. Nobody can tell you what to do, but I think you’ve already made the decision, perhaps subconsciously, that you need more from your partner than this - and that’s ok. It’s horribly sad, and you are grieving the life you thought you would have together, but neither of those are reasons to feel like you should stay and fold yourself and your dreams into a tiny box that he has created for you.

“He sounds like a cocklodger in the making.”

Exactly what I was thinking.

Its fine to change what you want to do with with your life, but you need to make plans and invest in your future. We’d all like to spend our lives doing our hobbies, etc but life doesn’t work like that. You can’t coast through life and expect others to pick up the pieces.

If you haven’t already done so, you need to sit down with him and make a life plan. Explain how you’re unable to be the breadwinner and he needs to contribute. Ask how he’s going fund his lifestyle. Also, as you’re at work all day, he needs to step up at home. I would mentally give a timeframe, and think if things don’t improve within 3-6 months then leave, I wouldn’t necessarily give him an ultimatum, to see what he does.

“Your dynamic has changed and he has made you mummy to him.”

A good summary.

Thank you for sharing, I hope you are feeling better

This is not a balanced, healthy, equal, respectful relationship. He’s using you. It’s only going to get worse.

Decide what you want - and talk to him. Tell him you feel there is an uneven division of labour and point out he either makes a financial contribution or he takes on the domestic chores. And give him detailed information on what that looks like - using examples like the bed making debacle so he understands. Make it clear this is a real issue for you and you have been more than accommodating and it is now his turn. You have the right to pursue happiness too. If nothing changes then you will become more and more resentful, It's no way to live.

Thanks everyone, avoiding resentment is really the big thing here I think

Personally I would really struggle with my partner making a unilateral decision not to return to paid work while expecting me to take on the financial burden. Your household income has substantially reduced and with it your quality of life. You obviously still care for this man but I would be having a serious chat insofar as spelling out your fears and articulating your resentment that you are now essentially funding his early retirement while abandoning your future plans (travel etc). I can just about understand the volunteer roles being used as a stepping stone into eventual full time paid role but that expectation needs to be spelled out with a timeline for paid work established. To be honest if he is unwilling to put in place a an to start pulling his weight financially I would be making plans to split. You are still young and you still have time to realise your plans rather then spend the next ten years enabling his selfish plans.

I strongly do not agree that you tell him that he does housework or contributes financially.

He does NOT get to choose either/or when you have been doing both.

OP, you need to get your head straight first.

Do you, in your late 30's wish to be financially responsible for a man you are not married to who has chosen to retire?

That is the question.
Everything you want to do will be down to you.

Travelling, children, house improvements, mat leave, pensions etc.

Every single thing.

You will never take ANY time off if you chose to have children because you are the work horse who will birth a child and then hand it over as you will need to return to work.

If you think you would be ok with that, then fine.

But many is the woman on MN who bitterly resented not being able to stay home for an extended time, or work less hours as they were the sole earner.

They were often the parent who was up at night with baby too.

Has he EVER done his fair share of housework....because if he hasn't then he is just someone who is living off you.

You really need to know what you want for your future and how you want it to look BEFORE you talk to him.