Ignored at gatherings

[TwoBulletsFiveZombies]

My DP is very loving and attentive most of the time, but when we go out to gatherings or events he pretty much ignores me in favour of talking crap to his mates/people he knows.

I'm 20w pregnant and we went out to an event at a pub last night. Lots of people we both knew so wasn't too bothered when he went off drinking with others, but it was the full time we we're there. After a few hours I got really tired and was ready to leave, asked him a couple of times but he kept ordering more drinks. In the end I left to walk home, thankfully a family member walked me back but he didn't know that and I could have been walking home alone in the dark and the rain. He turned up home about an hour later, I pretended to be asleep although I was awake and worked up about it.

It wouldn't be too bad if it was a one off but it seems to be everything we do at the moment, we went to a show where he stood talking to a mate for 2 hours drinking, I didn't know anyone there so I was just stood like a spare part. I asked if we could sit down and he said fine, but didn't want to sit down with me. I didn't want to sit on my own while everyone else was stood so I just wandered off on my own in the end. I'd been on my feet for about 8 hours at that point.

Another recent one was at a wedding where I also didn't know anyone, and he left me sat entertaining his kids for the night while he wandered off socialising without a care in the world. Again, had to ask him eventually to leave as the kids were getting tired and fed up and had started to play me up.

I'm very much an introvert, and he is the opposite. I find social situations quite difficult, especially with people I don't know. Added to the fact that I'm pregnant and feeling a bit extra vulnerable, and can't have a drink to relax and get on the same level as others, I'm starting to dread these occasions.

He also does it at home to an extent, if friends or family visit he gets to engage fully in adult conversations with them, and I'm normally left with the kids hounding me, as he's largely ignoring them and their needs.

What I'm trying to figure out is, am i being a bit needy and should I be able to hold my own more in these situations as an adult? Or should he be a bit more supportive and attentive to my needs whilst we're out? I don't want to ruin his fun, and there's definitely an element of male bravado and not wanting to appear "whipped" on his part. I don't know if this has become worse since my pregnancy or if I'm just more bothered by it since. It was a planned pregnancy on both our parts.

I just don't feel very looked after at the moment, and I spend most of my life looking after him and his kids, sacrificing a lot of my time and energy. It doesn't feel reciprocated.

Is the solution simply to stop accompanying him to things and enjoy the peace and quiet of my own home?

i would start to build your own circle of friend if you haven't already, so you don't have to waste your time going to events involving his friends, who you have nothing in common with. Weddings where you don't know any guests are an absolute bore unless you're the B+G and their families.

Dont fall into the trap of looking after his children letting him off the hook to go drinking with his mates, he's massively taking you for granted. If he was involved as well and pulling his weight, that's one thing, but him opting out of his responsibility for his children is not on!

I do think you're your own worst enemy here. Be a little more confident and social.

Do you do things in your own or do you rely on him for all your social interactions?

He's not talking "crap", he's just talking. Could you not find anyone to talk to? If you're at a social event, it's quite normal to chat with other people? You after all can chat at home the whole time, or if you go out just the two of you. Also no need to walk home alone if he wasn't ready to leave, get a taxi? If you've gone to the effort of babysitters, then enjoy the full night.

Do you go out with your own friends?

Thanks @girlmom21 and @daisychain01 .

I do have my own circle of friends (a small circle but friends of over 15 years) I meet up with them approx once a month but we all have busy lives and just organising a time we're all available is difficult. I'm close to my own family. He has A LOT of friends and acquaintances and a large family. Conversations are normally very related to the industry he's in, and I can't really insert myself and get involved if i tried too.

I've been going to a weekly yoga class to try and have something of my own. I honestly don't have loads of time for a social life, I work ft and am studying for my final accounting exams, plus all the usual home responsibilities. I'm finding it very full on with no chill time from waking up to going to bed, and he's not really taken any responsibility off me I.e when I've got home late and exhausted I've asked him to walk the dogs and he's just not done it, various excuses. His children, certainly his eldest, is well old enough to be helping out more but they're just not encouraged to by him, and I'm fed up of being the nag.

I think it boils down to me feeling abandoned and not very supported and its exacerbated when we go out.

Thanks @girlmom21 and @daisychain01 .

I do have my own circle of friends (a small circle but friends of over 15 years) I meet up with them approx once a month but we all have busy lives and just organising a time we're all available is difficult. I'm close to my own family. He has A LOT of friends and acquaintances and a large family. Conversations are normally very related to the industry he's in, and I can't really insert myself and get involved if i tried too.

I've been going to a weekly yoga class to try and have something of my own. I honestly don't have loads of time for a social life, I work ft and am studying for my final accounting exams, plus all the usual home responsibilities. I'm finding it very full on with no chill time from waking up to going to bed, and he's not really taken any responsibility off me I.e when I've got home late and exhausted I've asked him to walk the dogs and he's just not done it, various excuses. His children, certainly his eldest, is well old enough to be helping out more but they're just not encouraged to by him, and I'm fed up of being the nag.

I think it boils down to me feeling abandoned and not very supported and its exacerbated when we go out.

I suspect the issue is you’re an introvert and he isn’t so he wants to spend time chatting not sitting “looking after” you. It’s a bit dull to be honest. And yes quite needy. He shouldn’t ignore you but you can’t expect him to sit at your side looking after you, you’re a grown up

Is there maybe a happy medium? It sounds like you want him to be by your side the whole time shepherding you, which isn’t really reasonable, but it’s also not nice to feel totally abandoned. Could you ask him to try to be better at introducing you to people maybe? Would that help?

Yes he is taking you for granted and largely ignoring you at events is a red flag that he doesn't see you as a couple or a big enough part of his life to include you. He sounds like an arrogant arsehole who doesn't care about you. Letting you walk home alone is unforgivable. I honestly think you'd be better off without him, so a) you're no longer subject to this neglect, b) you won't be his unpaid childminder and most importantly c) your child won't learn his bad behaviour as you will be the main parent because he can not be arsed to bring up his own children.

Jesus that’s going too far she even says he is loving and attentive most of the time.

I relate to this except that in my case I’m more like your dh and my dh is you.
He feels abandoned if I talk to other people when we’re out…people I haven’t seen in a while or even just those I don’t see every day like dh. I don’t want to chaperone him I’m afraid. It has caused tension here.
We’ve been together a very long time and quite sadly, it’s now the case that dh rarely attends social stuff, if ever. It’s a shame he can’t hold his own but I got fed up with checking in on him and having to be aware of his feelings all night when really I just want a change of scene, some adult conversation and a bit of a laugh. 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like he treats you like you’re his mum. He does what he wants, you look after his kids, he won’t walk the dog, he won’t encourage his children to help out around the house.

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you have to be treated like this. And he doesn’t notice when you’re not there. How did you end up with a child for a partner?

Whatever about him finding it hard ‘babysitting’ you at events because he is a social butterfly, leaving a pregnant woman to walk home alone is not on.

If you didn't go out with him, who would look after HIS children?

I think you need to focus on your needs. Why go to an event where you don't know anyone and you know he will ignore you? Make a decision on each event, assume he will ignore you and decide if that works for you.

Also start living a life that works for you. Priortise study, instead of housework to get your qualification as studying with a baby will be x10 harder.

He is putting his needs first with little consideration for you - has your relationship always been unbalanced? Are you a "carer" type?

It's hard to know if he is being unreasonable. You do make yourself sound a bit wet if I'm honest, with the introversion and the feeling vulnerable because you're pregnant and the wanting him to be "attentive" and the walking sadly home in the rain and dark, hoping he would be filled with remorse at your plight of being outdoors! At night!

On the one hand if you go to an event together he should not ditch you - as my mother says, "you dance with who bring you". But...he is not your career, and I wonder if you are making a real effort to socialise and enjoy yourself? Or just waiting until you can get him out and home, where you feel more comfortable.

Bloody hell!

He doesn't sound great at all.

Leaving you, pregnant to get home alone is awful.

But help yourself here OP.

Why have you gotten pregnant with someone who is selfish and lazy?

He is using you as an au pair and and a house skivvy.

Why are you allowing this.

Now you are pregand he thinks you are stuck.

Is this really what you wanted from your life?

MN is full of stories like yours.
Young women getting pregnant by men who are using them as au pairs and house skivvys to avoid parenting their own children.

Why would you sign up for such misery?

If you think it is hard now, wait till the baby arrives and you are expected to look after HIS children, skivvy the house and a newborn?

Now THAT'S misery.

You will have zero time to enjoy your own new baby because you are expected to skivvy for the house.

Silly wo.an settling for so little.

If you have an ounce of sense and were my daughter, I would pack a bag and go stay with family for some hard thinking time.

Let HIM sort HIS children and home out.

I am an introvert too so I get where you are coming from. I always struggle to do small talk with people I am not really familiar with and I often find myself sitting/standing alone in a corner observing everyone around me. I hate big social gatherings and I avoid them like the plague as much as possible.

Have you talked about this with him, explaining how you feel? If he is a loving and caring partner he will try and work things with you.

Unfortunately, it sounds that you are incompatible especially if neither of you is going to try and make any changes to meet in the middle.

As for him leaving you to parent his kids, I would say put your foot down and wherever you can stop picking up his slack. Anything the kids want direct them to him.

Why aren't you joining in the conversations? My DH sounds similar, knows lots of people, whrn we go to weddings etc then if i'm with him i stand with them and join the conversation, it sounds like you just want him to sitvwith you for the whole event?

“Very loving and attentive”?

OP, you need to raise your standard. Sharpish.

This.

this is about way more than him ignoring you when you go out:

“I'm finding it very full on with no chill time from waking up to going to bed, and he's not really taken any responsibility off me I.e when I've got home late and exhausted I've asked him to walk the dogs and he's just not done it, various excuses. His children, certainly his eldest, is well old enough to be helping out more but they're just not encouraged to by him, and I'm fed up of being the nag.”

… and now you are pregnant? If you are exhausted now, how is this going to play out when the baby arrives? What’s the plan for him to step up and finally take responsibility for his share of housekeeping and childcare?

Bloody hell, there’s some powerful projecting going here. Where do you get off on telling a stranger, on the slightest of information and with almost comical certainty, to leave her ‘loving’ partner. It’s preposterous.

I guarantee you will be starting a thread on the stepparent thread in a year or so time about how you have to do everything when your SC stay over and you just want to be alone with your DC

You do sound like you are being a bit needy and difficult, why are you going if you don't want to talk to anybody apart from your husband, and get annoyed when he wants to be social at a social event?

OP you don’t sound wet. He sounds like he’s not good at holding an inclusive conversation, how can he not notice you haven’t said a word for a few hours. Not wanting to seem ‘whipped’ makes him sound incredibly primitive. I just don’t understand how women are attracted to men like this. Anyway, there are probably a few things at play. He’s a macho man, in other words a misogynist. He’s already had kids so this latest one with you the excitement and magic of it has obviously worn off for him. You’re looking for the first time mum care and attention and he’s just going through the motions again. As pps have said you’re socially incompatible. And he sees you as the childminder without anything particularly valuable to add to his very important and engaging conversations. His kids are not your responsibility, that seems to be the place to start in figuring out whether it will work long term. His reaction to you extracting yourself from his childcare and household responsibilities will tell you a lot.

He sounds like a bit of a dick tbh. But I remember being pregnant and walking on my own- even in the dark!- at 40 weeks. Hormones can make you feel vulnerable for sure, but do not get into the habit of needing him for basic stuff like walking home.