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Original poster

Ignored at gatherings

59 replies

TwoBulletsFiveZombies · 31/07/2022 07:02

My DP is very loving and attentive most of the time, but when we go out to gatherings or events he pretty much ignores me in favour of talking crap to his mates/people he knows.

I'm 20w pregnant and we went out to an event at a pub last night. Lots of people we both knew so wasn't too bothered when he went off drinking with others, but it was the full time we we're there. After a few hours I got really tired and was ready to leave, asked him a couple of times but he kept ordering more drinks. In the end I left to walk home, thankfully a family member walked me back but he didn't know that and I could have been walking home alone in the dark and the rain. He turned up home about an hour later, I pretended to be asleep although I was awake and worked up about it.

It wouldn't be too bad if it was a one off but it seems to be everything we do at the moment, we went to a show where he stood talking to a mate for 2 hours drinking, I didn't know anyone there so I was just stood like a spare part. I asked if we could sit down and he said fine, but didn't want to sit down with me. I didn't want to sit on my own while everyone else was stood so I just wandered off on my own in the end. I'd been on my feet for about 8 hours at that point.

Another recent one was at a wedding where I also didn't know anyone, and he left me sat entertaining his kids for the night while he wandered off socialising without a care in the world. Again, had to ask him eventually to leave as the kids were getting tired and fed up and had started to play me up.

I'm very much an introvert, and he is the opposite. I find social situations quite difficult, especially with people I don't know. Added to the fact that I'm pregnant and feeling a bit extra vulnerable, and can't have a drink to relax and get on the same level as others, I'm starting to dread these occasions.

He also does it at home to an extent, if friends or family visit he gets to engage fully in adult conversations with them, and I'm normally left with the kids hounding me, as he's largely ignoring them and their needs.

What I'm trying to figure out is, am i being a bit needy and should I be able to hold my own more in these situations as an adult? Or should he be a bit more supportive and attentive to my needs whilst we're out? I don't want to ruin his fun, and there's definitely an element of male bravado and not wanting to appear "whipped" on his part. I don't know if this has become worse since my pregnancy or if I'm just more bothered by it since. It was a planned pregnancy on both our parts.

I just don't feel very looked after at the moment, and I spend most of my life looking after him and his kids, sacrificing a lot of my time and energy. It doesn't feel reciprocated.

Is the solution simply to stop accompanying him to things and enjoy the peace and quiet of my own home?

OP posts:
Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:03

Howappropriate · 31/07/2022 10:58

He sounds like a bit of a dick tbh. But I remember being pregnant and walking on my own- even in the dark!- at 40 weeks. Hormones can make you feel vulnerable for sure, but do not get into the habit of needing him for basic stuff like walking home.

Surely recent stories have demonstrated that walking alone at night for a lone woman is not always safe

billy1966 · 31/07/2022 11:03

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 10:50

I guarantee you will be starting a thread on the stepparent thread in a year or so time about how you have to do everything when your SC stay over and you just want to be alone with your DC

100% guaranteed.

He won't parent his children now, that certainly won't change with a new baby.

Ignoring his children's needs and leaving his skivvy aupair to sort them out is the hallmark of this type of waster.

Unless you cop yourself on big time, your life is going to be so hard.

Get that study finished asap because the liklihood of you needing to be financially independent with your new baby is very high.

Your standards are very low if this is what you think a healthy relationship looks like.

Move out, rest, have a hard think and get your qualifications before the baby.

Stay where you are, continue being skivvy aupair, no study, new baby....you will not be getting those qualifications that could be your lifeline.

Help yourself OP and get your head out of the sand before it is too late.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/07/2022 11:05

It’s a compromise I think. You’re an introvert and he’s an extrovert. You can’t expect him to stick by your side all night when you both know people in the room but he should be coming over to check and chat for 5 minutes periodically.

If you don’t know anyone there then he ought to be introducing you to people. It’s fair enough he go off to chat when you’ve got talking to someone, but he should be talking to you as part of a group also.

Now you are pregnant he should certainly be keeping an eye on when you might need to go home.

As to the bigger picture… I am sorry to say this but it sounds like you have a Neanderthal, the ‘whipped’ comment is concerning as is the fact he’s using you to look after his kids.

You are really going to have to stand up for yourself when the baby arrives.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:07

I am going to take a punt OP

You fell pregnant very soon after getting together with him?

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/07/2022 11:07

.. try and get your qualifications before the baby arrives. I’m really not sure this is a bloke you want around for life

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:09

@billy1966

thought the OP’s name rang a bell.

She started multiple threads in the Step parenting chat room

what a surprise

billy1966 · 31/07/2022 11:16

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:09

@billy1966

thought the OP’s name rang a bell.

She started multiple threads in the Step parenting chat room

what a surprise

So sad.

It's a script that is on here so regularly.🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:17

The difference to this one is she could change the script as baby not born yet.

she won’t though

ecuse · 31/07/2022 11:21

If you're an introvert and don't like small talk is there any reason you need to go with him if it's an event where there's nobody you'd be genuinely happy to sit and chat with without him?

You're clearly just not having fun. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to hurl yourself into conversation with a bunch of people who are his friends not yours. Life's too short. Stay home and watch a movie. Meet up with your friends instead. There's no law that says you have to travel as a pair.

Especially if - as it sounds - he's going to be a bit of an inconsiderate twat about it. He does sound inconsiderate. The wedding example particularly as there's more pressure to come as a pair there

But at informal Saturday nights out - just don't go? I'd be a bit frustrated if I went to meet friends and my OH wanted me to sit and chat to them all night

Begoniasforever · 31/07/2022 11:23

Am I missing something. I don’t understand all the hysteria and ltb. She says he only does this when socialising and nothing in her other threads indicates otherwise?

and she wasn’t left to walk home alone she had someone with her.

LindaEllen · 31/07/2022 11:23

girlmom21 · 31/07/2022 07:33

I do think you're your own worst enemy here. Be a little more confident and social.

Do you do things in your own or do you rely on him for all your social interactions?

You do realise that telling someone to be more confident and social doesn't immediately flick a switch, right?

I'm similar with my DP. He can speak to anyone so easily, whereas I literally can never think of anything to say to anyone (unless I know them well, of course, in which case I'm fine).

I'd love there to be a magic wand I could wave, but there isn't.

Catlover1970 · 31/07/2022 11:23

SummerWhisper · 31/07/2022 10:16

Yes he is taking you for granted and largely ignoring you at events is a red flag that he doesn't see you as a couple or a big enough part of his life to include you. He sounds like an arrogant arsehole who doesn't care about you. Letting you walk home alone is unforgivable. I honestly think you'd be better off without him, so a) you're no longer subject to this neglect, b) you won't be his unpaid childminder and most importantly c) your child won't learn his bad behaviour as you will be the main parent because he can not be arsed to bring up his own children.

An arrogant arsehole for being a social extrovert?!!!!!!!

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:24

Begoniasforever · 31/07/2022 11:23

Am I missing something. I don’t understand all the hysteria and ltb. She says he only does this when socialising and nothing in her other threads indicates otherwise?

and she wasn’t left to walk home alone she had someone with her.

Because so clearly fits the script of resentful SM in about a year’s time.

and when you see the OP’s history - it’s already starting

Catlover1970 · 31/07/2022 11:26

pictish · 31/07/2022 10:21

I relate to this except that in my case I’m more like your dh and my dh is you.
He feels abandoned if I talk to other people when we’re out…people I haven’t seen in a while or even just those I don’t see every day like dh. I don’t want to chaperone him I’m afraid. It has caused tension here.
We’ve been together a very long time and quite sadly, it’s now the case that dh rarely attends social stuff, if ever. It’s a shame he can’t hold his own but I got fed up with checking in on him and having to be aware of his feelings all night when really I just want a change of scene, some adult conversation and a bit of a laugh. 🤷‍♀️

This.

Begoniasforever · 31/07/2022 11:29

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:24

Because so clearly fits the script of resentful SM in about a year’s time.

and when you see the OP’s history - it’s already starting

Show quote history

So it’s projection? I read her history there is nothing to validate the whole ltb to a pregnant woman who says her partner is loving and attentive but doesn’t pay her. Much attention when socialising.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:35

Begoniasforever · 31/07/2022 11:29

So it’s projection? I read her history there is nothing to validate the whole ltb to a pregnant woman who says her partner is loving and attentive but doesn’t pay her. Much attention when socialising.

Show quote history

I suppose we just have different standards

After a few hours I got really tired and was ready to leave, asked him a couple of times but he kept ordering more drinks.

not a chance that I would want to be with a man who when I was pregnant and had been there for a few hours and really tired wanted to go home, would ignore me.

nor would I want my partner using me as a babysitter whilst he went off for hours

but you’d be ok with that….

FiveDollarMilkshake · 31/07/2022 11:36

I can’t believe the people defending him here. He sounds like an immature selfish arsehole, not a caring parent or partner.

leaves you to get walked home by someone else whilst pregnant and doesn’t ask how you were

leaves you standing up all day when you needed a seat whilst pregnant

leaves you with his kids whist he socialises

He sounds like an arsehole who isn’t going to get any better when your baby arrives.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:38

I'm just at the end of my tether with her. She's almost as big as me so I'm concerned that if we don't tackle this now, it could result in physical violence directed at myself as she gets older, or at least a loss of even more control over her behaviour.

the OP is talking about an 11 year old here

Doesn’t Exactly scream happy families in a years time to me

pictish · 31/07/2022 11:41

Not cool to quote from another separate post and thread.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:43

pictish · 31/07/2022 11:41

Not cool to quote from another separate post and thread.

“Not cool”?

thankfully I’m not going for “cool” in my mumsnet posts.

myself and others are trying to get the op to see she’s at a fork. She can go down the route that dominates the step parenting forums or she can carve out a happy life for her and her baby

pictish · 31/07/2022 11:46

Or you can respectfully stick to the topic she wants to discuss rather than pinning her down with quotes from a different thread.

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:48

pictish · 31/07/2022 11:46

Or you can respectfully stick to the topic she wants to discuss rather than pinning her down with quotes from a different thread.

She mentions being by left to look after his children

so relevant

Thread police!

i missed your advice….

pictish · 31/07/2022 11:50

So what if she mentions it?
It’s not an invitation to search her up, lift text from another thread and corner her over what YOU want to discuss, is it?

Happyandyouknowit82 · 31/07/2022 11:51

Search exists
I used it
end of
fact it doesn’t fit with your policing of threads is neither here nor there

OooPourUsACupLove · 31/07/2022 11:53

Begoniasforever · 31/07/2022 11:23

Am I missing something. I don’t understand all the hysteria and ltb. She says he only does this when socialising and nothing in her other threads indicates otherwise?

and she wasn’t left to walk home alone she had someone with her.

You are missing that he sees it as HER responsibility to look after HIS kids.

You are missing that when she asks him to help with chores in THEIR hone, he doesn't.

You are missing that he is showing his kids that household chores for the SHARED home are entirely OP's job, not something they or he are also expected to do.

Without that, a mismatch in social styles would be just that.

With the above, it's part of a pattern of undervaluing the OPs time and dismissing her wants and needs, and I don't see any reason to believe he'll magically notice the unfairness and start giving a shit when the baby arrives. Not least because it's quite likely he already knows and doesn't care, because in his head how he's treating OP is fine and normal and in line with his expectations of male/female domestic relationships.