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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s left me and our 2 year old

66 replies

LottiePa · 30/07/2022 13:56

DH and I haven’t had the best few years of our relationship, through having a premature baby who nearly died and who has some health issues, then covid, lockdown etc. we’ve been going through stages of bickering and arguing and then being ok and then it starting again.

We had a disagreement on Wednesday evening and he came home on Thursday said he didn’t want to do this anymore and packed a bag and left.

He’s blocked me on everything. He didn’t pick DS (almost 3) up from nursery yesterday like he always does and didn’t contact me to say he wasn’t go to.

I haven’t heard from him at all.

I don’t know where he is. Or when or if he plans on getting in touch to see DS and I’m just finding it really hard to not break down in front of our Son.

I’m so cross that he just gets to walk away without a thought for me or DS. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone and am just struggling through Saturday without falling apart until my Son goes to bed this evening.

OP posts:
mackthepony · 30/07/2022 14:00

Who owns the house?

He sounds like a total shit so I'd be starting divorce proceedings, pronto.

ncedforthisquestion · 30/07/2022 14:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. We recently had a preemie and the stress definitely takes a toll on the relationship. However, leaving like that is not on. I don't have experience in any of this, but just in case I would start a log on moments he lets your son down, like not picking him up, just in case it comes in handy in a potential custody battle. Whatever ha

ncedforthisquestion · 30/07/2022 14:02

sorry, sausage fingers! Whatever happens, you are strong enough to get through this.

Original poster
LottiePa · 30/07/2022 14:06

House is in both our names. I could probably afford to stay here without him, or financial support from him.

it sounds really silly but do I report him missing? I don’t know where he is and I know he’s more than likely gone to a hotel / friends house, I haven’t heard from him for 3 days and can’t get hold of him.

OP posts:
courtrai · 30/07/2022 14:09

He's either a massive shit or having a crisis. Neither of which are within your gift to solve. Is he using bank account? Can you ask family?

AliceW89 · 30/07/2022 14:10

Oh OP that sounds so horribly stressful Flowers completely failing to pick your DS up from nursery is a bit of a red flag. Could you contact any of his friends/family to see if they have heard from him? If they haven’t, I think reporting him missing is probably for the best.

Original poster
LottiePa · 30/07/2022 14:12

courtrai · 30/07/2022 14:09

He's either a massive shit or having a crisis. Neither of which are within your gift to solve. Is he using bank account? Can you ask family?

Nothing has been taken from the joint account (we use it for bills & savings mainly) but each have our own bank accounts too so I can’t see what he’s spent and where.

I don’t think he’s with his parents (his car was there when I drove past earlier) and I almost don’t want to tell family or friends in case he’s not there and I’m just advertising our business.

OP posts:
songlesgl · 30/07/2022 14:13

This reply has been deleted

The OP is a previously banned troll.

MrsR87 · 30/07/2022 14:14

Oh that sounds so stressful! I’d be the most angry about him not picking up your son without any indication of this!

In the first instance, I’d be contacting his family and close friends to see if they have any ideas!

Purplehonesty2 · 30/07/2022 14:16

What did you argue about on Wednesday, was it a major fight or just the latest in a long string of little arguments?

I would be contacting his parents firstly to see if he is there or if they have heard from him. At least if you know he is ok, you can be angry rather than concerned if you see what I mean.

So sorry you are going through this, it's such a selfish and thoughtless thing for him to have done.

Stay strong and distract yourself with a good box set on tv tonight if you can and some nice food. X

GrimDamnFanjo · 30/07/2022 14:21

You need to contact his parents. Is there anywhere he could have gone to? Has he been to work?

puddingandsun · 30/07/2022 14:23

I would definitely be telling my family, closest friend and his parents.

Are you keeping it to yourself because part of you is hoping he'll come back and say sorry? ...he probably will. But I don't think you should have him back. Having a partner you can't rely on is a sure way of living an unhappy life.

Speak to people in real life. Get all the support you need. Good luck!

Original poster
LottiePa · 30/07/2022 14:23

This reply has been deleted

The OP is a previously banned troll.

I’m sorry your going through this too.

it’s been a rough few years and we’ve had our ups and downs in that time and just taken life’s stresses out on each other and our relationship has just been put on the back burner.

He can be quite selfish and lazy around the house but is normally a very good Dad to DS and childcare is 50/50. DH will often take him out for a few hours to the park or swimming or softplay etc to give me a break and spend time with DS. So him not showing up yesterday or calling to see how he is/ask to have him, is really out of character.

I think he just hates me and doesn’t want to deal with me. Or there’s an OW.

I'm just finding it hard to be a good Mum and cope with DS today when I’m so angry and upset. I’ve not done anything fun with him today and told him off when he was being naughty and feel horrible and guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
LottiePa · 30/07/2022 14:27

Purplehonesty2 · 30/07/2022 14:16

What did you argue about on Wednesday, was it a major fight or just the latest in a long string of little arguments?

I would be contacting his parents firstly to see if he is there or if they have heard from him. At least if you know he is ok, you can be angry rather than concerned if you see what I mean.

So sorry you are going through this, it's such a selfish and thoughtless thing for him to have done.

Stay strong and distract yourself with a good box set on tv tonight if you can and some nice food. X

He’s due to go on a Stag do next weekend and I thought it was Saturday and Sunday with Saturday being an overnight. Although it turns out that it’s Thursday - Tuesday. He said he told me but he didn’t and I was a bit annoyed about it being unfair that he goes off and does what he wants for 6 days leaving me to pick up everything.

He didn’t see an issue with it as he said he wouldn’t care if it was the other way around and I’m welcome to have the same time away too. That was it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
LottiePa · 30/07/2022 14:29

puddingandsun · 30/07/2022 14:23

I would definitely be telling my family, closest friend and his parents.

Are you keeping it to yourself because part of you is hoping he'll come back and say sorry? ...he probably will. But I don't think you should have him back. Having a partner you can't rely on is a sure way of living an unhappy life.

Speak to people in real life. Get all the support you need. Good luck!

No - I don’t know if I even want him back tbh. I’m so angry and annoyed with him.

I just don’t want to bring everyone else into it until I know what’s happening 100% and we had chance to talk.

Also, I don’t want to chase after him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LottiePa · 30/07/2022 14:30

GrimDamnFanjo · 30/07/2022 14:21

You need to contact his parents. Is there anywhere he could have gone to? Has he been to work?

he Was due at work yesterday. I presume he went but don’t know for sure.

OP posts:
IR230622 · 30/07/2022 14:34

I would call his parents tbh. More out of concern than anything. By all accounts he sounds like a good dad so for him to just leave your son at nursery without even letting you know he wasn't going to collect him is a bit worrying. Either something bad has happened or he is being a complete arse. I hope it's the latter but obviously that's still not great. Sending hugs OP. One step at a time ❤️

Sapphirensteel · 30/07/2022 14:35

Sorry you’re dealing with this but he sounds very selfish.
I can’t quite understand the stag do bit but I’d wait until that’s over and if he’s not been in touch call the police (101) and tell them the facts. He’s probably whinging to his mates or a relative but you’ve done your bit then.
Next speak to a solicitor and sort out financial support. Claim every penny possible, stay in the house. If he doesn’t want to see DS you’re better off without him—- a can’t be arsed parent isn’t worth the headspace.

SuperNoodle87 · 30/07/2022 14:37

Bet my last quid he comes crawling back after the 6 day stag do!

Original poster
LottiePa · 30/07/2022 14:41

Sapphirensteel · 30/07/2022 14:35

Sorry you’re dealing with this but he sounds very selfish.
I can’t quite understand the stag do bit but I’d wait until that’s over and if he’s not been in touch call the police (101) and tell them the facts. He’s probably whinging to his mates or a relative but you’ve done your bit then.
Next speak to a solicitor and sort out financial support. Claim every penny possible, stay in the house. If he doesn’t want to see DS you’re better off without him—- a can’t be arsed parent isn’t worth the headspace.

Sorry, the stag do is next weekend.

He is normally a great Dad and I think that’s why I’m so shocked that he didn’t collect him yesterday or hasn’t even called to see how he is.

I think he’s just mad at me and punishing me now.

OP posts:
ImRunningUpThatHill · 30/07/2022 14:44

Please be prepared for an OW. Especially now the stag do has increased to 5 days!
I’d contact his parents to check in on him and so they are aware of what a complete shit he is.

Original poster
LottiePa · 30/07/2022 14:45

ImRunningUpThatHill · 30/07/2022 14:44

Please be prepared for an OW. Especially now the stag do has increased to 5 days!
I’d contact his parents to check in on him and so they are aware of what a complete shit he is.

I am. He’s not the type of man to cheat (he’s been cheated on in previous relationships and always says how cowardly it is and he never do that) but it wouldn’t surprised me if another women popped up at this point.

OP posts:
swanfake · 30/07/2022 14:48

My ex said the same thing about cheating (having been cheated on in the past).

He cheated on me. Twice it turned out.

IR230622 · 30/07/2022 14:50

Every single person is capable of cheating. Even if they're against it. Sometimes morals go out the window when they meet someone new. Prepare your heart for the possibility Flowers

MrsR87 · 30/07/2022 14:52

I don’t think it’s chasing him if you contact his family to find out if he is okay as he didn’t pick up your son from nursery and you are worried.

You don’t have to give any indication that he’s missed (which it sounds like he isn’t at this moment in time, rightly so).